Do you have Pantophobia?
From the very first time I heard that word on Charlie Brown Christmas and deeply identified with Mr. Brown, I knew I had Pantophobia. It is an almost crippling feeling to live in constant fear. Fear of what you ask? Fear of everything. Constantly weighing every decision and every outcome of every decision. Did I say the right thing, wear the right thing, have the right things? Should I be quiet? Should I tell the truth? What will happen now? You lose sleep, you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. You know it is irrational, but still you are afraid. Panic attacks, suddenly forgetting where you are going, physical pain when you are late or too early and getting very upset and frustrated at the smallest inconvenience. My entire life has been shrouded with fear. I have spent great quantities of time trying to figure out where this fear originated and moving past my more irrational fears. I have read books on fear and thinking too much. I wouldn't say I have OCD, but at times I have had to go back and lock the front door to my house more than once. I would say at certain times in my life when I have been stressed to the max, the fear has controlled my behavior. I simply try to push through the fear when possible.
Over the years I have tried different coping mechanisms to deal with the fear. One of the best is humor. If I can laugh at my irrational fear, then I can usually get past it. I used to truly believe I was not worthy of love. Deeply damaged as a child, I believed I had to be perfect in order for my own parents to love me let alone anyone else. Perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect skin, and many other traits like organized, leader, role model, Christian, etc to deserve love. Being perfect is stressful hard work especially when you are constantly afraid that everyone is going to discover your secret. By the age of 18 I was clinically depressed, suicidal and sexually active for all the wrong reasons. By the age of 25 I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and looking for anyone to make me happy. By the age of 34 I was in a horrible fake marriage with two little babies, depressed and looking for a way out. Now at 40, divorced, happy and two wonderful children later I can recognize that fear is the hardest thing to push through. I felt I was in danger at times in my childhood. I felt I had little control over my personal safety and no voice. I have come to realize as an adult my childhood was not horrible, but it was dysfunctional and my family is still not a safe place. I deal with it on a more mature level, but it is still contributing to my fears.
Where does this fear come from? I can remember being afraid as a small child, unable to trust, quiet, wanting to spend hours dissolving in front of the television but afraid of what? It isn't something I can say, "That's IT!" I don't spend hours worrying about a spider crawling up my leg or if I locked the door. It is just a cold horrible feeling that something is wrong. Something is going to go wrong. My life is wrong, my children are going to suffer and it is all my fault. But I don't know why I feel afraid and I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of. I am less afraid now than I have ever been in my life, but it is still there lurking. It is different from regret. I regret some things like being horridly in debt and not facing responsibilities as well as I should have financially, but I also learned a great deal from those experiences. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for any amount of money in the universe. I finished college and have a good job. I wouldn't say I had regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes. I would say that I'm afraid at least a few times during the day for no particular reason and it is bad enough to make me feel sick and I don't understand why.
Pantophobia. Lucy said the cure is involvement, but I think her advice is pretty much worth as much as she charged. I don't think there is a cure, but that I just keep working through it and try to recognize it. If I recognize my fear and can't put a name to it, then I know it is not real. Unfortunately knowing and not feeling it are two very different things. To my fellow Pantophobes, you are not alone in your fear. I will not allow my fear to take over my life. Courage is being afraid, but doing what needs to be done anyway. I always tell myself, "I will do this today and if I am still afraid, then I can crawl into bed tomorrow."
Last Saturday I watched Charlie Brown Christmas with my two boys and I neither one of them seemed to identify with any of the characters except Snoopy. My greatest fear is that I pass on this disgusting fear to my children. I don't want them to feel afraid and I go to incredible lengths to make sure the environment they live in is safe. I also tell them when they are afraid that it is normal, but letting fear control your life is not. Fear is only what you allow it to be. Whether it is a speed bump or a mountain is your choice, which would you rather climb? I was always more of a mountain person, but they seem to enjoy driving cars.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
I Don't Hate All Your Boyfriends.
I tried to move some of my holiday decorations out of the storage closet in my mother's house before Thanksgiving and also clear the air a little between us and our on-going debate over why she is always mean to my boyfriends. My argument is this, if you invite someone over to your home, be nice. Don't look at them like they just crapped on your floor, don't analyze every word out of their mouth, and do not under any circumstance make them feel like they shouldn't be there! After a lengthy conversation, my mother and I decided I would tell her when she was "doing it" at Thanksgiving and she would think about what had just happened and we would discuss it later. I have zero confidence that this will happen, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to make it stop. She has pretty much done this with all the men I've had in my life. No man is ever good enough for me. While that is so sweet in a mommy dearest kind of way, it doesn't help me in my relationships and it is not true. My friends male or female have every right to accompany me if they are invited and I really hate that my mother can be so rude and insane. I truly think she is unaware of her behavior, but it does make it awkward for me. If I had treated her company like she has treated some of mine, she would have thrown me out on my butt! She thinks I am the same way with her friends. Friends that are alcoholics and are too drunk to notice if I'm even there. Even those friends I have been cordial too. She, on the other hand, has made my boyfriends feel like never coming back on several occasions.
One incident occurred on 4th of July and she did acknowledge that she knew she had hurt his feelings, but didn't do it intentionally. She was relating a conversation that she had with my youngest son. Evidently the teacher had asked him if the boyfriend was his father and my son had said, "No, that is just Jason." While we are not married, we have discussed it and because of financial and other things have decided to decide that issue another time, but he lives with us. This is another point of contention with my mother. Not that she believes living together before marriage is wrong, just that she doesn't want any man living with me and my children. Her conscious decision to relate that story in front of him was rude. He absolutely wants to be their step-dad. He is trying very hard to fit in as a step-parent and it is not easy! He questions what he does constantly and read books about being a step-parent. For her to say that my son told her he was "just Jason" was very hurtful and she even admitted that she saw his expression and knew she had hurt his feelings. I asked her why she didn't say something and she gave me a chicken-shit answer that she really didn't think it was that big of a deal. Honestly, it wasn't but when something like this happens every time you visit it turns into a big deal. She constantly makes him feel his is easily replaced and not a part of our family.
Another incident happened while I was still living at my mother's house. I met my current boyfriend, Jason, at that time and moved in with him after moving from her house. I would never have been able to get back on my feel as quickly without his help. He was also divorced and living with his parents to save money while getting his masters. There was over a 45 minute drive between us and he would stay over when the kids were at their dads. This made her upset, but it made her even more upset when he stayed over one evening when the kids were there. Both kids were asleep on a different floor, they didn't know he was there and never mentioned anything to me about him being there. This was almost six months after we had started dating and were going to move in together. My mother game me an ultimatum, I was 38 years old at the time, that I would not have any men over past nine on the nights the boys were there or I could move out. I told her fine. The very next night her friends one female and one male that she had slept with were in the garage, drinking and watching movies until 12 am. I know because I was trying to sleep and so were my kids and could not because they were drunk and having a great time. To this day she says she was justified with her ultimatum because I wasn't paying her half the expenses. I was divorced, raising two kids, getting 162.00 a month in child support, paying an attorney, working a minimum wage job when she begged me to co-sign on a 152,000.00 home with a pool she couldn't afford. I refused until she had a nervous breakdown and I finally agreed knowing it was a huge mistake. Needless to say she kicked me out of the house because she did not want my boyfriend over there. She claims she was so worried about the children, but denies any of her behavior was wrong. So, to say he is a little uncomfortable with my mother would be an understatement. He is always polite and respectful to her, all I was asking was for her to return the favor. I even explained to her the reason why he had slept over and that it was my fault. She claims she talked to him and explained to him that she couldn't afford for him to take a shower and live there unless he was paying rent. Let me just tell you that I moved out because her house was a party house and my ex-husband threatened to take my kids away if I stayed there any longer. She has and never will admit that she was a bad influence on them as much or more than I while living there. It was a hard time for both of us being newly divorced. I resolved to disagree with her on this incident, but I don't and never will agree that because I didn't pay her enough rent money (which by the way I paid her by buying groceries that all her friends were welcome to, free hair and nail services, all my pictures, home decor, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, cleaning, etc. that I get no credit for although she still has them all) to live there. It was a bad situation and I have moved out and moved on, but she still holds it against my boyfriend when he was possibly the least to blame and more concerned about the children that she will ever know.
I don't really understand how to get her to see my side of the equation. Let's say she hates my boyfriend. I don't really care and it isn't any of her business. I'm 40 years old and I get to run my life. If she ever found anyone she wanted to have a relationship with, trust me if they made her happy, I would be happy. I have told her repeatedly, I don't care what you think of him, but I don't want to be uncomfortable when I bring him around and if I am.... guess what? I'm going to stop coming around. She has said all my life she just wants me to be happy. How can I be happy when every time I am happy, I can't share it with my family. It isn't just my mom either, my sister is down right nasty to anybody that tries to join the family. Anything he says or does she automatically hates. Why do they have so little confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and tell men what is acceptable to me that they feel they have to defend me. I know most of you think this is what families do, but is that true? Do your siblings after three years ask you if HE is coming? He has a name and yes, he is part of my family. My sister's husband is a loving man, but not who I would have picked. I have nothing in common with him, but I can see the love he has for her and their children. He used to be addicted to cocaine, used to be jobless and homeless, and has health issues because of his hard life. I have never judged him or made him feel like a freak when he talks about hunting or fishing. I have been supportive of him when they were having rough times and she was going through post pardum depression. I don't understand how she can look at him like he just slapped me across the face every time we walk into the house. My brother has been the nicest to him of all, but he isn't around that much and has nothing in common with my boyfriend. He at least is nice though.
The only justification I can muster in a defense to my family is they don't realize they are doing it. They have always done it. Our family is dysfunctional and cold when it comes to outsiders. We don't trust easily and we are quick to exclude out of fear. We aren't touchy feely and we don't hug. Sometimes we don't even talk for weeks at a time. I know this is how we have always been, but I have been working so hard to be open and honest with people that it is easier for me to take my boyfriend to my friends houses than to my own family functions. It makes me dread the holidays. It makes me want to send the kids and stay home. I know I can't do that so I hope my family is serious that they will listen if I say, "you're doing it again." I hope they won't start a huge scene, but if they do I will handle it calmly and maturely. I will tell them their behavior is unacceptable to me and we will leave. I'm tired of having to divide up my life into what other people will accept and if you can't accept my choice of who I am in a relationship with then you can't accept me.
I'm 40 years old and I'm tired of changing who I am to fit in with my family. I'm not what they expect me to be, but I know they love me. I don't expect them to love the people I love, but they can be nice to them. So, as I go to yet another holiday like a sacrificial lamb to slaughter, I am hopeful they will see my happiness and celebrate it. If they choose to wallow in the jealous pit and spread the hate, next year it will be without us.
Happy Thanksgiving
One incident occurred on 4th of July and she did acknowledge that she knew she had hurt his feelings, but didn't do it intentionally. She was relating a conversation that she had with my youngest son. Evidently the teacher had asked him if the boyfriend was his father and my son had said, "No, that is just Jason." While we are not married, we have discussed it and because of financial and other things have decided to decide that issue another time, but he lives with us. This is another point of contention with my mother. Not that she believes living together before marriage is wrong, just that she doesn't want any man living with me and my children. Her conscious decision to relate that story in front of him was rude. He absolutely wants to be their step-dad. He is trying very hard to fit in as a step-parent and it is not easy! He questions what he does constantly and read books about being a step-parent. For her to say that my son told her he was "just Jason" was very hurtful and she even admitted that she saw his expression and knew she had hurt his feelings. I asked her why she didn't say something and she gave me a chicken-shit answer that she really didn't think it was that big of a deal. Honestly, it wasn't but when something like this happens every time you visit it turns into a big deal. She constantly makes him feel his is easily replaced and not a part of our family.
Another incident happened while I was still living at my mother's house. I met my current boyfriend, Jason, at that time and moved in with him after moving from her house. I would never have been able to get back on my feel as quickly without his help. He was also divorced and living with his parents to save money while getting his masters. There was over a 45 minute drive between us and he would stay over when the kids were at their dads. This made her upset, but it made her even more upset when he stayed over one evening when the kids were there. Both kids were asleep on a different floor, they didn't know he was there and never mentioned anything to me about him being there. This was almost six months after we had started dating and were going to move in together. My mother game me an ultimatum, I was 38 years old at the time, that I would not have any men over past nine on the nights the boys were there or I could move out. I told her fine. The very next night her friends one female and one male that she had slept with were in the garage, drinking and watching movies until 12 am. I know because I was trying to sleep and so were my kids and could not because they were drunk and having a great time. To this day she says she was justified with her ultimatum because I wasn't paying her half the expenses. I was divorced, raising two kids, getting 162.00 a month in child support, paying an attorney, working a minimum wage job when she begged me to co-sign on a 152,000.00 home with a pool she couldn't afford. I refused until she had a nervous breakdown and I finally agreed knowing it was a huge mistake. Needless to say she kicked me out of the house because she did not want my boyfriend over there. She claims she was so worried about the children, but denies any of her behavior was wrong. So, to say he is a little uncomfortable with my mother would be an understatement. He is always polite and respectful to her, all I was asking was for her to return the favor. I even explained to her the reason why he had slept over and that it was my fault. She claims she talked to him and explained to him that she couldn't afford for him to take a shower and live there unless he was paying rent. Let me just tell you that I moved out because her house was a party house and my ex-husband threatened to take my kids away if I stayed there any longer. She has and never will admit that she was a bad influence on them as much or more than I while living there. It was a hard time for both of us being newly divorced. I resolved to disagree with her on this incident, but I don't and never will agree that because I didn't pay her enough rent money (which by the way I paid her by buying groceries that all her friends were welcome to, free hair and nail services, all my pictures, home decor, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, cleaning, etc. that I get no credit for although she still has them all) to live there. It was a bad situation and I have moved out and moved on, but she still holds it against my boyfriend when he was possibly the least to blame and more concerned about the children that she will ever know.
I don't really understand how to get her to see my side of the equation. Let's say she hates my boyfriend. I don't really care and it isn't any of her business. I'm 40 years old and I get to run my life. If she ever found anyone she wanted to have a relationship with, trust me if they made her happy, I would be happy. I have told her repeatedly, I don't care what you think of him, but I don't want to be uncomfortable when I bring him around and if I am.... guess what? I'm going to stop coming around. She has said all my life she just wants me to be happy. How can I be happy when every time I am happy, I can't share it with my family. It isn't just my mom either, my sister is down right nasty to anybody that tries to join the family. Anything he says or does she automatically hates. Why do they have so little confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and tell men what is acceptable to me that they feel they have to defend me. I know most of you think this is what families do, but is that true? Do your siblings after three years ask you if HE is coming? He has a name and yes, he is part of my family. My sister's husband is a loving man, but not who I would have picked. I have nothing in common with him, but I can see the love he has for her and their children. He used to be addicted to cocaine, used to be jobless and homeless, and has health issues because of his hard life. I have never judged him or made him feel like a freak when he talks about hunting or fishing. I have been supportive of him when they were having rough times and she was going through post pardum depression. I don't understand how she can look at him like he just slapped me across the face every time we walk into the house. My brother has been the nicest to him of all, but he isn't around that much and has nothing in common with my boyfriend. He at least is nice though.
The only justification I can muster in a defense to my family is they don't realize they are doing it. They have always done it. Our family is dysfunctional and cold when it comes to outsiders. We don't trust easily and we are quick to exclude out of fear. We aren't touchy feely and we don't hug. Sometimes we don't even talk for weeks at a time. I know this is how we have always been, but I have been working so hard to be open and honest with people that it is easier for me to take my boyfriend to my friends houses than to my own family functions. It makes me dread the holidays. It makes me want to send the kids and stay home. I know I can't do that so I hope my family is serious that they will listen if I say, "you're doing it again." I hope they won't start a huge scene, but if they do I will handle it calmly and maturely. I will tell them their behavior is unacceptable to me and we will leave. I'm tired of having to divide up my life into what other people will accept and if you can't accept my choice of who I am in a relationship with then you can't accept me.
I'm 40 years old and I'm tired of changing who I am to fit in with my family. I'm not what they expect me to be, but I know they love me. I don't expect them to love the people I love, but they can be nice to them. So, as I go to yet another holiday like a sacrificial lamb to slaughter, I am hopeful they will see my happiness and celebrate it. If they choose to wallow in the jealous pit and spread the hate, next year it will be without us.
Happy Thanksgiving
Thursday, November 15, 2012
That Is Not In My Job Description....
Okay, so here I am being someone's mother again. Are men really that shallow and selfish that every time they get into a relationship they start forgetting how to pick up clothes, do laundry, make their own personal grooming appointments, dentist appointments, doctor appointments? Or is it just my fault, because I can't help myself? What ever happened to the golden rule? I do those things because I would love to have them done for me! I would love to come home to a house free of floor clutter, the dishes done, cabinets wiped down and dinner ready and I can GUARANTEE a night of good sex EVERY TIME I did, yet does this ever happen? No. Am I a little upset? Yes, hell yes! What is it about me that I end up with a man that not only wants me to make his hair appointment, but then pay for it too? Men that never get their clothes from the dryer to the closet, men that forget to flush the toilet, men that constantly overlook the overflowing trash can and leave their trash everywhere. Men that promise one thing and always let me down, men that use romance as a get out of the dog house free card, and men that I can't respect because of all of the above. Since when did being a life partner morph into being a mother? I can't seem to find the balance in my relationships and I am uncertain if it is my behavior or that I have a broken picker.
I come from a long line of broken pickers. I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves. One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five. For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink. Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too? Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?" Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice. If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either. I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up? If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation? And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex. Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime. I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time. I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache! Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy. Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me. Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom. It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent. Parents need breaks from their children. Children are not partners with their parents. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.
I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men. So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:
1. I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health. You need a doctor, call one. You need a haircut, call a stylist. You need cold medicine, go to Walmart. I am done being your mother and taking care of you. You want my opinion on your hair, no problem. I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health. When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam? NEVER! Right?
2. If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses. This is only for men that may be living with me at some point. In the past I have supported people. No more free rides. If you want to be my partner, be one. Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc. If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to. I will not be your parents and support you. I have two children to support and I do not need another.
3. I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself. My life is pretty good. I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children. I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet. I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends. If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great! If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here. If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self. Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more. Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!
4. I will not do laundry. If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.
5. I will only cook when I'm hungry. If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.
6. PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET! I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet? This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive. I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on. If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man. I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean. This can also be applied to just your general area. If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor. Do men not know what a dustpan is for?
7. This is the last one and it is huge. I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities. If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment. I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance. I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will. I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy. If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted. I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids. I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior. If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required. If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house! All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around. I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.
MAN - male form of adult human species. ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense. I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior. As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love. Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand. Do they have no self respect? Where is their pride? Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants? There is a reason that is funny! It is supposed to be a joke!! I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids. I pay my bills and then some. I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments. I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it. It is a lonely place. I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do. I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises. I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.
PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.
That is my job description.
I come from a long line of broken pickers. I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves. One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five. For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink. Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too? Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?" Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice. If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either. I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up? If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation? And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex. Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime. I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time. I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache! Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy. Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me. Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom. It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent. Parents need breaks from their children. Children are not partners with their parents. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.
I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men. So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:
1. I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health. You need a doctor, call one. You need a haircut, call a stylist. You need cold medicine, go to Walmart. I am done being your mother and taking care of you. You want my opinion on your hair, no problem. I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health. When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam? NEVER! Right?
2. If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses. This is only for men that may be living with me at some point. In the past I have supported people. No more free rides. If you want to be my partner, be one. Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc. If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to. I will not be your parents and support you. I have two children to support and I do not need another.
3. I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself. My life is pretty good. I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children. I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet. I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends. If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great! If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here. If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self. Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more. Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!
4. I will not do laundry. If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.
5. I will only cook when I'm hungry. If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.
6. PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET! I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet? This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive. I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on. If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man. I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean. This can also be applied to just your general area. If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor. Do men not know what a dustpan is for?
7. This is the last one and it is huge. I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities. If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment. I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance. I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will. I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy. If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted. I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids. I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior. If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required. If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house! All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around. I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.
MAN - male form of adult human species. ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense. I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior. As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love. Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand. Do they have no self respect? Where is their pride? Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants? There is a reason that is funny! It is supposed to be a joke!! I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids. I pay my bills and then some. I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments. I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it. It is a lonely place. I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do. I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises. I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.
PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.
That is my job description.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Good Girl vs. Bad Girl
I was getting my hair cut the other day and for some reason became incredibly convinced I needed to drastically change my style. My hairstylist just laughed and asked, "Where did that girl come from?" There she was staring me in the face with an awesome smile and a great cut! I love her and there is no way I could live without her, but SHE is a bad girl. She is unpredictable, bat-shit crazy, and cocky! Does that make me bad? Am I a wolf in sheep's clothing?
An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore." Really? I was a bad girl? I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl. Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!
Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear? The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud? Well, I do. When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name. She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner. She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends. She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her. She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion! I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.
I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married? That bad girl was a very selfish girl! I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't. I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies. I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone. Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person. What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"? Is it getting married? Is it getting older and having kids? I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage. Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother. I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times. Where is the line? When does fun cross over to the dark side?
I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose. I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties. I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive. I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times. I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore. Even bad girls grow up and evolve. I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her. I need her! She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity! All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy! I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good. I have always seen things in the gray. There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth. Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.
Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything. When you lie you risk your integrity. The worst thing I did was lie to myself. I was risking my life by fooling myself. I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret. Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions. While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good. Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices. By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to be a pirate, I was trying to be good! I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart. I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife. I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology. I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate. Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.
Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl. I keep my hair crazy. I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable. I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all). I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off. I get artificial nails. I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner. I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in. I send my fiance sexy texts. I flirt. If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences. I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed. I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads. I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on. Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is. Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.
An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore." Really? I was a bad girl? I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl. Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!
Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear? The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud? Well, I do. When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name. She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner. She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends. She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her. She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion! I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.
I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married? That bad girl was a very selfish girl! I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't. I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies. I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone. Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person. What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"? Is it getting married? Is it getting older and having kids? I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage. Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother. I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times. Where is the line? When does fun cross over to the dark side?
I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose. I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties. I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive. I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times. I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore. Even bad girls grow up and evolve. I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her. I need her! She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity! All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy! I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good. I have always seen things in the gray. There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth. Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.
Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything. When you lie you risk your integrity. The worst thing I did was lie to myself. I was risking my life by fooling myself. I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret. Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions. While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good. Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices. By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to be a pirate, I was trying to be good! I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart. I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife. I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology. I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate. Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.
Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl. I keep my hair crazy. I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable. I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all). I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off. I get artificial nails. I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner. I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in. I send my fiance sexy texts. I flirt. If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences. I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed. I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads. I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on. Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is. Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.
Friday, October 26, 2012
Reflecting On My Ah Ha's
Had some breakthroughs over the past year and wanted to jot them down so that I could come back and read them later. My breakthroughs are mine, things that I needed to work on as a parent and as a person.
1. Your life is your life and your children's life is their life. I think as a re-formed overbearing, control freak of a mom sometimes I really feel for my kids and not in a good way. I feel what I ASSUME they must be feeling, or I used to. I realized that I don't have to feel for them anymore. I choose how I feel. I don't have to rehash my horrible pain from a dysfunctional childhood and re-feel it with my kids every time they are hurt or disappointed in some way. I have learned to empathize without internalizing the feelings. For example, if my ex-husband chooses to forget to pick them up, I don't have to feel rejected. My kids might feel that way, or they might just realize that their Dad only thinks about himself and that guess what, we can walk home. They might feel like they are perfectly capable of handling a situation AND telling their Dad later how it made them feel with absolutely no actions necessary on my part and no hurt feelings. The relationship our children have with their father is totally dependent on all their actions and has nothing to do with me. My ex-husband will either swing and miss or he will connect and get a home run with our kids, but I have learned I'm not a pinch hitter. Empathy is much easier than internally feeling like HE did this to ME all over again. The truth is he didn't do anything to me except lie and he has and will keep doing that I'm sure. He is an untrustworthy selfish person, but this is not news. The boys know this and have accepted it. It was time for me to, as much as that hurts me, so I can forgive him and move forward. He will never think these little lies are important, but I guarantee the boys will and they are going to be much more honest than he ever expected them to be, because they have learned it does make a difference if you promise to be on time and show up late. It is called integrity. Once you lose it with your children, you really never get it back. I know this because my father never had any and my mother, until recently, never understood what it meant because she was always trying to protect me. My mother is learning that no matter how hard you strive to manipulate a situation and lie to protect, the end does not justify the means. Integrity is what I have with my children and trust comes from that. I am honest with them every time, even if I messed up. I don't blame work. I don't blame anybody else. I don't pretend to be there, I am. If I need time for myself, I just tell them. My life is not theirs to control just as theirs is not mine to control. We are all individual people that have our own lives happening every day. This has freed me from a huge amount of sadness and anger. I sincerely hope that my ex-husband can at some point gain some integrity with our son's, but that is out of my control and I refuse to spend another second angry at him for his choices and for the mistakes of the past, present or future.
2. The boys are growing up and you better stop treating them like babies. :Letting go is so very difficult for me to do. One reason is I just simply don't want them to grow up. I am having a blast right now with them talking about new discoveries and plans for the weekend. I want to live in the now and savor all these times. Of course I know with each year there will be more fun times, but let's face it, how many boys spend more than a couple of hours a week with their mom past age 17? They will have jobs, girlfriends, cars, college and even if they live at home, I won't see them that much. I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is to me. Of course I will have more time to go out to lunch with friends, see movies, write, and do my personal hobbies, but just to come home and help them with homework or memorize their part in the play is so much fun for me. I am truly going to miss having them around daily. I dread it in all honesty. I am excited for them to move forward with their lives, but I catch myself all the time thinking, is that the last time they will do that? My son lost his last baby tooth the other day and I still haven't thrown it away. Unfortunately, these feelings also keep me from teaching them the necessary things they will need to progress. So, this year I just have stopped being such a mom and looked at my job more like a teacher. You want macaroni and cheese? Ok let's go into the kitchen and I'll help YOU make it. You have no clean pants, well let me show you this handy dandy thing called a washer/dryer! You need money for the bake sale at school? Well I need the lawn mowed, get on it and I'll pay you some money. I was not doing them any favors by wallowing in my pit of guilt over divorcing their father, nor was I doing them any service by keeping them little a little longer. Surprisingly, but probably only a surprise to me, they have responded well and have more confidence. They try new things, voice opinions and have better grades without me always checking to see if they are doing homework. I have no doubt they will never be the cleanest kids in the dorm, but I do think they will thrive and prosper. Hopefully I won't sit in my rocking chair and cry my eyes out every week when my boys become men, but they will always be my babies. Good thing is I don't have to treat them like babies anymore.
3. I make a difference. Plain old 40 year old mom of two from the midwest. I touch so many peoples' lives every day and I make a difference. I am closest to my children's hearts, loved my many and would be sorely missed if I just disappeared tomorrow. There is no reason for me to EVER wonder if my kids would be better off without me around, if my friends would miss me, if my family would get along better. I know deep in my heart that I matter. I also know in my heart that my positive force matters in this universe. I matter in a million different ways that may always go unnoticed, but the bottom line is I matter. I have an inner confidence that can't be broken. I still doubt my decisions sometimes and wonder if I am making the best choices, but I know I will handle whatever life my throws my way. I have seen even the weakest people overcome, the smallest things touch a heart, and the power of one word to transform. I get it now and there is no stopping me.
4. Growing up is not a lot of fun and this is why it takes people so long to do. People will avoid growing up as long as humanly possible. We blame, we hide, we lie and we refuse at times to think and act like an adult. We want to be selfish children as long as allowed. Some people are allowed to be selfish children a long long time teaching their children that its okay to be a selfish child, even as a parent. It's not okay. All the crappy parents out there, they aren't bad parents. They aren't parents at all. They are selfish children that never learned to grow up. I appeared grown up for a long time. I got married, graduated college, had two kids, got divorced but never truly grew up. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I took care of all the children's needs, did all the duties I was expected, and got more resentful of my ex-husband who did not play his part in the game of "house". I got upset, yelled, screamed for attention, blamed, lied and kept wondering why doesn't anybody love me? Ever tried to love a two year old? The only thing that saves most two year olds from being killed is they are really cute. A thirty-something two year old screaming in your living room throwing the remote at you is not cute. I went to work, made a living, got in debt by being totally irresponsible with the money I made and blamed it on my ex-husband for doing the same thing. Was I having fun? Hell no, because I wanted to be a grown up, but had no idea how to. Playing house or going to work doesn't make you an adult. Growing up is being calm even when all hell has broke loose because you know it really isn't going to mean anything next week. Growing up means accepting responsibility for your choices and actions even if no body else does. Growing up means being honest period especially with yourself. Growing up means letting go of a lot of things, people, and opportunities, because things aren't important, people don't always grow up at the same time, and what seems like something you would really like to do may not be the best decision for your children. Growing up means knowing money and love don't fix nothing! Communication fixes most things, or at least keeps the door open long enough for love or money to help. Knowing how to communicate honestly without letting emotions getting in the way is the hardest part of being a grown up. It is easy to throw a fit, but putting aside your feelings and THINKING about the other person, that is hard. Growing up is going without, budgeting, sacrifice, teaching, taking the time, thinking of others and knowing you are responsible for your own choices all the time and NOT blaming anyone but yourself. Growing up is forgiving yourself for making mistakes and forgiving other people for theirs even if it means you forgive and move on. Being a grown up is asking what can I do first before even thinking about calling anyone else, and then doing it. Being a grown up is hard work and who ever said hard work was supposed to be fun? The only consolation is when you get really old, people treat you like a baby again.
5. Never assume anything. The biggest obstacle to communication is our assumptions of what the other person is saying. IF we assume we do not fully hear!! Assumption is OUR doubt.speaking, or our judgement, but either way there will be no communication until there is no assumption. I try to start every conversation or confrontation with a clean slate. It is hard especially with a historical precedent. Assumptions affect our confidence, our attitude and even our facial expressions. Don't judge a book by it's cover is so true, but we should never assume anything before investigating, asking questions, listening and learning. Don't assume, listen.
6. Aspire to be yourself. Did you ever try to have a three course holiday dinner for your in-laws with perfect china, a pristine clean house down to the baseboards and a Christmas setting in every room complete with theme music playing on the house surround system? Yes, I did and that Christmas will live in infamy as the Christmas I became Martha Stewart on crack and guess what? Nobody appreciated my effort and even criticized me for making separate dishes for the kids. Like I was a bad mom for thinking they might like home-made mac-n-cheese instead of roasted Cornish hens? I love Martha Steward, she is my hero. She isn't however, me. I can cook, but not clean up after. It stresses me to the max to have more than five people in my house at one time. I was trying to impress my in-laws that were un-impressible and only succeeded in ruining my Christmas. My only small victory was that was the one and only time my ex-husband defended me in front of his mother when she blamed me for not making his favorite dish, ham loaf. I have tried to be many things over the years, but always trying to be what other people expect you to be never gets you anywhere, but miserable. There is really nothing wrong with making chili for Christmas dinner. I make chili really well and it is my recipe. I am not a Victoria Secret model, but I do like pretty panties and bras. Do I have to be six feet tall with long legs to look good in lacy underwear? No, I like them and I deserve to wear things I like whether or not I'm a size 6 or 16. I enjoy going to the salon. Does that make me shallow because I don't want to look my age? Probably, but damn it's who I am. Haircolor, nail polish, and a facial make me feel good. I'm not trying to be twenty again, I really love going to the salon and talking to my friends. I don't have to be a super model or a super mom! I can just be me and that is pretty damn good. I love who I am and if I don't some days, I'm not gonna cry about it much. I will change it and that will be okay too. I am going to be myself from now on and be pretty proud of it.
Anyway, those are just some of the things that have been rattling around in the old noggin as this year rapidly comes to an end. Funny how the holidays bring on bouts of reflection. Must be the Dickens in me!
1. Your life is your life and your children's life is their life. I think as a re-formed overbearing, control freak of a mom sometimes I really feel for my kids and not in a good way. I feel what I ASSUME they must be feeling, or I used to. I realized that I don't have to feel for them anymore. I choose how I feel. I don't have to rehash my horrible pain from a dysfunctional childhood and re-feel it with my kids every time they are hurt or disappointed in some way. I have learned to empathize without internalizing the feelings. For example, if my ex-husband chooses to forget to pick them up, I don't have to feel rejected. My kids might feel that way, or they might just realize that their Dad only thinks about himself and that guess what, we can walk home. They might feel like they are perfectly capable of handling a situation AND telling their Dad later how it made them feel with absolutely no actions necessary on my part and no hurt feelings. The relationship our children have with their father is totally dependent on all their actions and has nothing to do with me. My ex-husband will either swing and miss or he will connect and get a home run with our kids, but I have learned I'm not a pinch hitter. Empathy is much easier than internally feeling like HE did this to ME all over again. The truth is he didn't do anything to me except lie and he has and will keep doing that I'm sure. He is an untrustworthy selfish person, but this is not news. The boys know this and have accepted it. It was time for me to, as much as that hurts me, so I can forgive him and move forward. He will never think these little lies are important, but I guarantee the boys will and they are going to be much more honest than he ever expected them to be, because they have learned it does make a difference if you promise to be on time and show up late. It is called integrity. Once you lose it with your children, you really never get it back. I know this because my father never had any and my mother, until recently, never understood what it meant because she was always trying to protect me. My mother is learning that no matter how hard you strive to manipulate a situation and lie to protect, the end does not justify the means. Integrity is what I have with my children and trust comes from that. I am honest with them every time, even if I messed up. I don't blame work. I don't blame anybody else. I don't pretend to be there, I am. If I need time for myself, I just tell them. My life is not theirs to control just as theirs is not mine to control. We are all individual people that have our own lives happening every day. This has freed me from a huge amount of sadness and anger. I sincerely hope that my ex-husband can at some point gain some integrity with our son's, but that is out of my control and I refuse to spend another second angry at him for his choices and for the mistakes of the past, present or future.
2. The boys are growing up and you better stop treating them like babies. :Letting go is so very difficult for me to do. One reason is I just simply don't want them to grow up. I am having a blast right now with them talking about new discoveries and plans for the weekend. I want to live in the now and savor all these times. Of course I know with each year there will be more fun times, but let's face it, how many boys spend more than a couple of hours a week with their mom past age 17? They will have jobs, girlfriends, cars, college and even if they live at home, I won't see them that much. I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is to me. Of course I will have more time to go out to lunch with friends, see movies, write, and do my personal hobbies, but just to come home and help them with homework or memorize their part in the play is so much fun for me. I am truly going to miss having them around daily. I dread it in all honesty. I am excited for them to move forward with their lives, but I catch myself all the time thinking, is that the last time they will do that? My son lost his last baby tooth the other day and I still haven't thrown it away. Unfortunately, these feelings also keep me from teaching them the necessary things they will need to progress. So, this year I just have stopped being such a mom and looked at my job more like a teacher. You want macaroni and cheese? Ok let's go into the kitchen and I'll help YOU make it. You have no clean pants, well let me show you this handy dandy thing called a washer/dryer! You need money for the bake sale at school? Well I need the lawn mowed, get on it and I'll pay you some money. I was not doing them any favors by wallowing in my pit of guilt over divorcing their father, nor was I doing them any service by keeping them little a little longer. Surprisingly, but probably only a surprise to me, they have responded well and have more confidence. They try new things, voice opinions and have better grades without me always checking to see if they are doing homework. I have no doubt they will never be the cleanest kids in the dorm, but I do think they will thrive and prosper. Hopefully I won't sit in my rocking chair and cry my eyes out every week when my boys become men, but they will always be my babies. Good thing is I don't have to treat them like babies anymore.
3. I make a difference. Plain old 40 year old mom of two from the midwest. I touch so many peoples' lives every day and I make a difference. I am closest to my children's hearts, loved my many and would be sorely missed if I just disappeared tomorrow. There is no reason for me to EVER wonder if my kids would be better off without me around, if my friends would miss me, if my family would get along better. I know deep in my heart that I matter. I also know in my heart that my positive force matters in this universe. I matter in a million different ways that may always go unnoticed, but the bottom line is I matter. I have an inner confidence that can't be broken. I still doubt my decisions sometimes and wonder if I am making the best choices, but I know I will handle whatever life my throws my way. I have seen even the weakest people overcome, the smallest things touch a heart, and the power of one word to transform. I get it now and there is no stopping me.
4. Growing up is not a lot of fun and this is why it takes people so long to do. People will avoid growing up as long as humanly possible. We blame, we hide, we lie and we refuse at times to think and act like an adult. We want to be selfish children as long as allowed. Some people are allowed to be selfish children a long long time teaching their children that its okay to be a selfish child, even as a parent. It's not okay. All the crappy parents out there, they aren't bad parents. They aren't parents at all. They are selfish children that never learned to grow up. I appeared grown up for a long time. I got married, graduated college, had two kids, got divorced but never truly grew up. When I was a stay-at-home mom, I took care of all the children's needs, did all the duties I was expected, and got more resentful of my ex-husband who did not play his part in the game of "house". I got upset, yelled, screamed for attention, blamed, lied and kept wondering why doesn't anybody love me? Ever tried to love a two year old? The only thing that saves most two year olds from being killed is they are really cute. A thirty-something two year old screaming in your living room throwing the remote at you is not cute. I went to work, made a living, got in debt by being totally irresponsible with the money I made and blamed it on my ex-husband for doing the same thing. Was I having fun? Hell no, because I wanted to be a grown up, but had no idea how to. Playing house or going to work doesn't make you an adult. Growing up is being calm even when all hell has broke loose because you know it really isn't going to mean anything next week. Growing up means accepting responsibility for your choices and actions even if no body else does. Growing up means being honest period especially with yourself. Growing up means letting go of a lot of things, people, and opportunities, because things aren't important, people don't always grow up at the same time, and what seems like something you would really like to do may not be the best decision for your children. Growing up means knowing money and love don't fix nothing! Communication fixes most things, or at least keeps the door open long enough for love or money to help. Knowing how to communicate honestly without letting emotions getting in the way is the hardest part of being a grown up. It is easy to throw a fit, but putting aside your feelings and THINKING about the other person, that is hard. Growing up is going without, budgeting, sacrifice, teaching, taking the time, thinking of others and knowing you are responsible for your own choices all the time and NOT blaming anyone but yourself. Growing up is forgiving yourself for making mistakes and forgiving other people for theirs even if it means you forgive and move on. Being a grown up is asking what can I do first before even thinking about calling anyone else, and then doing it. Being a grown up is hard work and who ever said hard work was supposed to be fun? The only consolation is when you get really old, people treat you like a baby again.
5. Never assume anything. The biggest obstacle to communication is our assumptions of what the other person is saying. IF we assume we do not fully hear!! Assumption is OUR doubt.speaking, or our judgement, but either way there will be no communication until there is no assumption. I try to start every conversation or confrontation with a clean slate. It is hard especially with a historical precedent. Assumptions affect our confidence, our attitude and even our facial expressions. Don't judge a book by it's cover is so true, but we should never assume anything before investigating, asking questions, listening and learning. Don't assume, listen.
6. Aspire to be yourself. Did you ever try to have a three course holiday dinner for your in-laws with perfect china, a pristine clean house down to the baseboards and a Christmas setting in every room complete with theme music playing on the house surround system? Yes, I did and that Christmas will live in infamy as the Christmas I became Martha Stewart on crack and guess what? Nobody appreciated my effort and even criticized me for making separate dishes for the kids. Like I was a bad mom for thinking they might like home-made mac-n-cheese instead of roasted Cornish hens? I love Martha Steward, she is my hero. She isn't however, me. I can cook, but not clean up after. It stresses me to the max to have more than five people in my house at one time. I was trying to impress my in-laws that were un-impressible and only succeeded in ruining my Christmas. My only small victory was that was the one and only time my ex-husband defended me in front of his mother when she blamed me for not making his favorite dish, ham loaf. I have tried to be many things over the years, but always trying to be what other people expect you to be never gets you anywhere, but miserable. There is really nothing wrong with making chili for Christmas dinner. I make chili really well and it is my recipe. I am not a Victoria Secret model, but I do like pretty panties and bras. Do I have to be six feet tall with long legs to look good in lacy underwear? No, I like them and I deserve to wear things I like whether or not I'm a size 6 or 16. I enjoy going to the salon. Does that make me shallow because I don't want to look my age? Probably, but damn it's who I am. Haircolor, nail polish, and a facial make me feel good. I'm not trying to be twenty again, I really love going to the salon and talking to my friends. I don't have to be a super model or a super mom! I can just be me and that is pretty damn good. I love who I am and if I don't some days, I'm not gonna cry about it much. I will change it and that will be okay too. I am going to be myself from now on and be pretty proud of it.
Anyway, those are just some of the things that have been rattling around in the old noggin as this year rapidly comes to an end. Funny how the holidays bring on bouts of reflection. Must be the Dickens in me!
Thursday, October 18, 2012
Pets Don't Live Long Enough
I really have no need to get married again. Not exactly what a person looking for a long term relationship wants to hear. I'm in a good place financially. My credit score is pretty good. My tax return is looking promising. I am done having kids. I really don't want to change my name. I could give you a million different reasons NOT to get married, but it really only comes down to one reason. I don't want to. I'm afraid. I failed. Yes, it took two people, but my marriage was a complete failure. I was a good wife and I loved my husband for most of my marriage until it became painfully clear NOTHING I did or was going to do would ever matter to my husband or change our relationship. I am successfully co-parenting with my ex-husband, but I would never want to return to that relationship. I do want a life partner.
I want to have a relationship. Why? (Insert my mother's voice here) I do believe I would be just fine if I spent the rest of my life doing my hobbies, going to my children's and/or grandchildren's activities and traveling, but I want to hold hands with someone I love. I want love! I deserve it just as much as any other human being. Yes I have friends and family that love me, but I want physical intimacy, as well as emotional. A friend recently suggested to me via Facebook that maybe women are soul mates and men are just friends to have fun with. Sadly, I just have quit believing in the notion of a soul mate. I can't however stop thinking that being a partner has to be an attainable goal. How difficult is it for another human being to be my partner?
It turns out it is pretty damned difficult. Why? Apparently, because I am fiercely independent, do not trust easily, afraid of rejection, give too much, and have boundary issues. I also really don't like confrontation, have a crazy ass family, and two wonderful kids that I don't need any help parenting. How do you find a partner with the patience and skills to navigate that baggage that doesn't have kids? Yes, I'm also not agreeing to parent anyone else's children, not because I hate other people's kids, but because I don't want to take time away from my kids that have been through enough already. Do I even have the right to ask this of another person? Am I selfish too? Maybe a little, but maybe not. Why can't I ask for what I want in a relationship without feeling like I'm asking for too much? Is a partner too much to ask for? Isn't there a yen to my yangs?
I have tried in my current relationship to "not sweat the small stuff". Like the fact that the toilet paper is always sitting on the counter and never on the roll, or that he can have all day off and when I get home from work there are dishes still in the sink, and even the fact that he gets into bed every night with the covers hopelessly balled up underneath him waiting for me to come spread them out and tuck him in like a two year old. All these things, while small, get on my nerves. I tell myself, I can handle these things and they are "part of his personality". It is the huge issues like not having his half of the bills repeatedly and telling me he will pick up the children and then failing to do so that has me perplexed. Partners don't lie. Partners ask if there are things they can do to help and then do them! I am in yet another relationship that is vastly one-sided. The physical intimacy is there, but the emotional erosion has started. I have no doubt I am in love and this relationship has potential, but a marriage certificate doesn't fix any problems. I feel like the small issues can be worked on, but the huge issues shouldn't even be there! I'm sure I talk to much when he is studying and I am too needy sometimes, but I have never told him I would give his mother a ride and then blown him off for something I wanted to do. In fact I have went above and beyond to make sure he knows things in his life that are priorities are mine also. Everyone has issues that keep them from always being good partners, but how long do you give someone to get in the game?
I guess the bottom line is I want a partner that loves me enough to value my life whatever may be happening in it. I want a partner that thinks love is a verb not just a word to say to get me to smile or forgive. I want a partner to love for life so I can walk in the Scottish Highlands with someone, dance in my bedroom to Sinatra, and pets just don't live long enough.
Monday, October 15, 2012
Lucy, I'm Home...
I have come to a conclusion about my life after my divorce. It is normal. It is a daily routine that can be boring, fun, simple, relaxing, and just plain normal. Work, kids, soccer, making dinner, grocery shopping, decorating for the holidays and just living life wonderfully normal. Now that we are moved in and all the boxes are unpacked, I am just so content. I can't even express to people how complete I feel. Part of it is this grand accomplishment of buying my own home, but there is something deeper that has happened in my life. I think for the first time in my life I am living honestly. I do the things that I enjoy and appreciate normal. There is no drama because I don't allow it or create it.
Anger is not a regular part of my daily routine. Yes, I do get angry, but it doesn't happen daily. I seem to have this calm center that I've never quite tapped until now. I also still worry, but now it is more like running into a cobweb. I acknowledge it and wipe it away vowing to clean a little better the next time, to prepare. I'm in a good place mentally and literally. My children are doing well and this feels like exactly where I was trying to be all those years ago. I'm home. I can finally say that I want to be here. I do have a wandering spirit and the call of distant horizons will always be attractive to me in some fashion, but I really have a strong sense every time I pull into my driveway that I'm coming home. Entering that peaceful zone that no one and nothing can touch.
Although I do think having my own home is a huge part of this feeling, I know that the only constant in life is change and in a few years I will have to make some choices that may take me away from this house. I'm not afraid of those changes, rather I think I can embrace them now. I feel like I can take this feeling with me even if everything changes. I know it is inevitable that my kids are growing up and getting prepared for a life that is their own. We have and will always have a connection that will hold us together over any distance, but their lives may take them on a journey that is different from my own and I will celebrate that path with no fear because they are prepared. I am prepared for the rest of my journey. I have a confidence in myself that I really am living my life.
Is it the life I pictured when I was a teenager? No, it is very different from the life I imagined as a child. With no fear or limitations, I imagined myself a marine biologist. I was swimming with dolphins and really tan. I traveled the globe and made important discoveries. However, I can read articles and watch shark week to keep my interest in that alive today. I have two boys that are sponges when it comes to information and love to investigate my ideas with me about marine biology or just the reality of global warming and how that affects us. I may not be a marine biologist, but I can inspire my kids with a love of nature and fill their minds with questions. I can give them a confidence to go forth and learn or do anything, and not because I'm there for them, but because they can. They don't need me there. They are prepared for anything and can handle life. I'm so proud they have confidence in themselves. I hope the life they are picturing now is the life they live. It is exciting for me to watch them grow now that I'm not afraid for them all the time. They will become adults solely dependent on themselves and this is a great and wonderful thing for them to accomplish!! I'm really really glad it is more than a few years away, but I am very glad I have the confidence to let it happen now. Responsibilities I have now as a parent do put some limitations on my life, but being a parent is far better than swimming with dolphins. I will encourage them to become adults before starting down a path that limits any opportunities for them, but only because it is easier to swim with dolphins when you are only paying for one plane ticket. No this isn't the life I pictured when I was a teenager, but it is my life and I love it.
There are changes and things I still want to accomplish in my life, but this feeling of being home and being centered will always be something I want to keep constant. It is such a wonderful feeling! The best part about it is I can take it anywhere I need to. I am home.
Anger is not a regular part of my daily routine. Yes, I do get angry, but it doesn't happen daily. I seem to have this calm center that I've never quite tapped until now. I also still worry, but now it is more like running into a cobweb. I acknowledge it and wipe it away vowing to clean a little better the next time, to prepare. I'm in a good place mentally and literally. My children are doing well and this feels like exactly where I was trying to be all those years ago. I'm home. I can finally say that I want to be here. I do have a wandering spirit and the call of distant horizons will always be attractive to me in some fashion, but I really have a strong sense every time I pull into my driveway that I'm coming home. Entering that peaceful zone that no one and nothing can touch.
Although I do think having my own home is a huge part of this feeling, I know that the only constant in life is change and in a few years I will have to make some choices that may take me away from this house. I'm not afraid of those changes, rather I think I can embrace them now. I feel like I can take this feeling with me even if everything changes. I know it is inevitable that my kids are growing up and getting prepared for a life that is their own. We have and will always have a connection that will hold us together over any distance, but their lives may take them on a journey that is different from my own and I will celebrate that path with no fear because they are prepared. I am prepared for the rest of my journey. I have a confidence in myself that I really am living my life.
Is it the life I pictured when I was a teenager? No, it is very different from the life I imagined as a child. With no fear or limitations, I imagined myself a marine biologist. I was swimming with dolphins and really tan. I traveled the globe and made important discoveries. However, I can read articles and watch shark week to keep my interest in that alive today. I have two boys that are sponges when it comes to information and love to investigate my ideas with me about marine biology or just the reality of global warming and how that affects us. I may not be a marine biologist, but I can inspire my kids with a love of nature and fill their minds with questions. I can give them a confidence to go forth and learn or do anything, and not because I'm there for them, but because they can. They don't need me there. They are prepared for anything and can handle life. I'm so proud they have confidence in themselves. I hope the life they are picturing now is the life they live. It is exciting for me to watch them grow now that I'm not afraid for them all the time. They will become adults solely dependent on themselves and this is a great and wonderful thing for them to accomplish!! I'm really really glad it is more than a few years away, but I am very glad I have the confidence to let it happen now. Responsibilities I have now as a parent do put some limitations on my life, but being a parent is far better than swimming with dolphins. I will encourage them to become adults before starting down a path that limits any opportunities for them, but only because it is easier to swim with dolphins when you are only paying for one plane ticket. No this isn't the life I pictured when I was a teenager, but it is my life and I love it.
There are changes and things I still want to accomplish in my life, but this feeling of being home and being centered will always be something I want to keep constant. It is such a wonderful feeling! The best part about it is I can take it anywhere I need to. I am home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)