The Right Thing To Do

So, my Step-Dad was in an accident.  A serious accident, one that he caused and could have been avoided easily, but an accident none-the-less.  I have been posting on Facebook his recovery and talking to some of my friends that live in the same town as him.  His accident happened while he was on vacation in another state and my immediate family had to leave work, children and pay for hotels and gas to go be with him.  I stayed here helping take care of their homes, spouses, kids and yards.  I worried and waited to hear that he was recovering through ups and downs.  Since I haven't had much of a relationship with him in the last few years, many people assumed I could have cared less, told me I should be up there with my siblings and my mother, and told me how lucky I was he was still alive and that I should forgive him and go see him.

I ask you, what is the right thing to do?  Do I even want to be right?  I really could care less about what any of those people think about me.  I do love my Step-Dad and I certainly would never wish him any harm, but why should the fact that he went to another state on a motorcycle he wasn't used to riding and conditions he wasn't used to riding in, had an accident not wearing a helmet, and was severely injured make all that he has done and said over the past few years ok?  Did I mention there is some talk of him forgetting to pay his insurance before he left?  This is going to possibly ruin his life and my biological mother's because of a huge medical expense the insurance may not cover and I'm supposed to forgive him for everything and run over there to help him?  Is that the right thing to do?

I had one friend tell me, "He provided you a good childhood."  Really?  Like you have any idea how it feels to be told, "Well you aren't really MY daughter."  I wanted to do the wrong thing and tell her to take a motorcycle ride off a cliff too.  I didn't, I politely told her it was complicated and that I was thankful she had offered any help to my Step-Dad whom she barely knows.  If she knew how he really felt and had told me her whole family was a worthless bunch of drunks with no sense, she might not be offering to go make him dinner.

I am glad he is recovering and I will go help him if he needs it, but not because of him.  I will go to ease the burden on my other family members that do feel obligated to help him.  I don't feel like the fact that he was irresponsible and risked his life doing something stupid deserves a total change in my attitude.  I also refuse to feel sorry for him if his irresponsibility causes the family business to go under.  I wish people could see him and the way he has treated me before they open their mouths.  I am really angry at him for putting my brother and sister in a position to have to risk their jobs, income, time with their children, etc. so he could go live out his mid-life crisis with two of his buddies that left as soon as the helicopter life-flighted him off the mountain.  I'm angry that only two of his family members only came down for two days and spent most of their time driving my mother out of the room and undermining the relationship she had with the doctors when they weren't sleeping in the hotel.  I'm angry at his other family members that stayed here and criticized every little move we made and when it was discovered he didn't pay the insurance got angry at my mother and I for leaving the business in his hands like all of this is our fault??  Once again, I'm so angry that I really don't want to go see him or any of his family that will now swoop over in force to appear they care just in case anybody is paying attention.

How in the hell can anyone tell me what the right thing to do is when they don't know my life, my relationships, or my heart?  For all I know, he might not want me to come over there and they have no idea if he would or not.  I do know that I have asked him for help on several occasions and was told he could not help me.  The difference is he could have helped me, he chose not to.  I have helped him and will continue to help him, may not be directly, but it is still help.  I feel this is the right thing to do because it is the loving thing to do.  I love myself enough to stay in the background and not open myself up for any further pain, but I will still help my loved ones help him.  Sometimes being there isn't the right thing, but it isn't the only thing you can do.

I Try... Why Doesn't He?

Right at this moment I feel such utter and complete dispair at the total failure of my ex-husband to accept responsibility for the emotional well being, financial support, and day to day care of our children. I used to excuse it away explaining to myself that if he isn't aware, not intelligent enough, or educated enough to see his responsibility then I was in part to blame for not standing up for my kids and telling him what they needed. I started communicating thier needs and even took him back to court to more clearly define his responsibilities and mine. I would notify him of appointments and conferences, but he still was late, had an excuse or just flat forgot. He doesn't live up to his financial responsibility and now has taken on more children in a second marriage and never offers any support other than what is deducted from his paychecks. No school suppiles, no doctor co-pays and he even switched to a cheeper insurance carrier that excluded all of the doctors the children see as in-network providers while telling me I would have to just find new doctors or pay all the extra costs myself. I don't mind telling you that I have such a deep and utter disgust of this man that I once pledged til death do us part that I feel as though I may vomit if I have to talk with him again.

Of course, I will have to talk to him. I will have to be a mature, caring, stable adult and try to work out my issues through the proper legal channels all the while working out soccer schedules and school functions. I will be the best influence in our children's lives. I will give them security and they will see me happy and healthy so they know what that is and they can model that behavior. However, when they don't see me I will cry. I am crying now. Huge tears that won't stop because I am so hurt that I have deal with an irresponsible, immature jerk that doesn't value his children enough to pay a 57.00 dentist bill. Who does that? Who says my children aren't worth 57.00? Who says my children aren't worth taking off work to take them to the dentist? What kind of father doesn't know you have to take kids to the dentist?

The real problem is now, he does know. He is fully aware that we must take our kids to the dentist, make them do homework, feed them, buy them clothes, talk to them about thier interests, love them no matter what and he has made the choice not to. I am left puzzeled by this. I guess I never realized it was a choice. My only choice was to become a parent. I chose that! I planned it, we discussed it, agreed on it and did it. I didn't think that if I hated changing diapers that I simply would refuse to do it, or if I was tired and the baby woke up at 3 a.m. I would just ignore it, but he did. I never knew that if potty training was too difficult I could just simply get angry and give up letting the boys wear pull-ups instead, that if I didn't feel like playing with a toddler I could shut myself in a bathroom for two hours, or that if I didn't want to watch Barney I could go golfing all day, but he did. Now as the boys get older they don't want to spend as much time with him and he doesn't understand why. He makes then cut thier hair military style and stay away from electronics. He has a new family he makes them participate in which sometimes they enjoy, but most of the time it just "feels weird".

I would never choose anything, anyone, or any life without my children being at the foremost of my thoughts. I don't understand how he can make choices that deprive his children of essential things like healthcare and blame me for being a bad mother. He makes almost three times my income and sometimes they don't eat dinner because he claims he couldn't afford it. He has two vehicles and he had three but gave his father one. I don't think he owes me a damn dime, but it is in the divorce petition that we each have an equal responsibility to pay medical expenses over what insurance does not cover. Am I supposed to take him back to court every time I take the kids to the doctor? Why can't he try to be a good father?

I have never claimed to be a perfect person or mother of the year, but I will never stand by and make my children go without basic needs. There are no "things" that I wouldn't go without to ensure our children were given access to healthcare. Even if I only saw them once a week I would guarantee they would have toothpaste, toothbrushes, clothes, food, clean shelter and medication they need at the absolute least and he chooses to ignore these needs. What kind of person can do that? How could I be so blind to have married him? I am honestly amazed at his complete and total failure as a father and my heart is obliterated. I feel nothing for this man not even an once of sympathy or compassion. My only hope is our children can look at what he does as an example of selfishness to be avoided. I have no doubt in my mind a day will come when they feel only pity for him and that is not a basis for a loving mature relationship. It makes my soul completely sad. I try so very hard to be a good mother. I don't understand why he doesn't try to be a father at all.

Home Owner Again....

Well, the planets aligned (almost) and I have signed a contract to purchase a home.  A very small home, but it has a nice charm to it and a covered patio that I can't wait to enjoy this fall.  It's literally across the street from the schools the boys will attend for the next few years and far enough away from my mother that she won't be driving by all the time.  It's also not that close to my ex-husband, but still in the same town.  I'm slightly apprehensive about being back in the same town as him, but I'm on a busier street this time, so hopefully no flat tires.  Nothing quite stirs up anxiety like spending upwards of 80,000 dollars.  Although I know in my heart this is the best move for me and my children, I have never been solely responsible for that much debt.  Since becoming debt free just a month ago, I was a little hesitant to jump right back off the deep end.  As a friend reminded me though, what exactly did you work so hard to get out of debt for then?

My logical side is cheering me on with spreadsheets that show how much money I will be saving in gas and my monthly payments will be cut in half!  Logically, I can show everyone how smart a move this is, but I can't shake my nerves.  I don't know why I have such anxiety about my decisions, even when those decisions are the smart thing to do.  I suppose it is my lack of confidence in myself rearing its ugly fanged self.  I have done my pro/con sheet and nothing on the con side even compared to the pro side.  I am truly very excited about everything except I had to give up a bathroom, but I on the bright side of that I only have one left to clean!  I enjoy cleaning the bathroom about as much as going to the dentist.  I also have boys, so if all else fails they could pee outside and probably will whether I give them permission or not.  I will also be building equity and repairing my credit which is getting ahead right?  Throwing away a paycheck every month on rent when I could be building equity is craziness right?  I know logically my stomach should not be churning and the stress of packing and moving and switching my internet provider will be a thing of the past in a few months, but it doesn't seem to ease the tension I feel.

One of the biggest cons was the reaction I was receiving from my fiance.  He did not want to move.  He did not want the stress of moving and driving farther for work and school.  He did not care that I would have to get up an hour earlier, take one son into town and wait 45 minutes to drop the other son off and pay latchkey or have both kids walk almost a mile after school to my mothers or arrange someone to pick up my oldest son.  He has a nasty habit of superficially looking at a situation and not seeing how much stress I carry around.  It is hard to get up early EVERY day and add on an two hours travel time to my day and worry constantly if the people I have appointed to watch my children are going to follow instructions.  Not to mention the fact that my children HATE latchkey and don't want to be shuttled around from place to place losing homework and adding stress to their lives.  He just goes to work, goes to school and comes home.  He also forgets last year when I asked him to take the kids to late start Wednesday for me and he threw a fit like a baby!  I don't want to rely on other people to get my tweenies where they need to go.  I want them to be responsible and learn to be on time.  They are overjoyed that they can ride bikes to school and home after school.  They are elated they have a yard and more room.  They are already pestering me to get a cat.  Why do kids do that?  What is this insatiable need to keep a living thing in the house?  His anger and frustration regarding the purchase is causing me no end of anxiety.  I did finally tell him he had lots of choices.  He could move back in with his parents, he could get a one bedroom in the complex we currently rented, or he could trust me and stop being a negative, blaming jerk.  Trust has always been an issue in our relationship, but its times like these that it gets hammered home yet again, he doesn't trust me.

I do trust me to make this decision and I know it is a good decision based on the information I have available.  I can afford it, in fact, it is a good financial decision.  It is a healthy decision for my self confidence and my independence.  I feel good that I can provide a home for my kids where they can feel comfortable, safe and secure.  It will make my life easier and in the long run less stressful.  I have a good job, I know how to fix a leaky faucet and I know how to call in an expert if I can't fix something.  I have friends in the home repair and remodel business that I can count on.  I know this is a good move for me, I'm just not sure it will be a good move for us.  I hope he will come around and in a few years if he starts a PhD program, we will make other decisions.  The funny thing about not having any trust in someone you love is it erodes that person's confidence even if that isn't that person's intent.  I'm learning to accept that his lack of trust has more to do with his family experiences and his past marriages than myself, but it is difficult.  It hurts when the one person you want to spend your life with forever seems to have zero confidence in you.  Do I want to spend my life being doubted regarding every decision I make?  Life seems to short for me to live this way.  I did finally tell him that I was fine if he didn't support me in this, but it didn't change the fact that I WAS  BUYING THE HOUSE.  I have learned in my 40 years that you always have a choice.  Sometimes the choice is between shit and shit, but you always have a choice.  I wasn't forcing him to do anything and never would.  I didn't make him sign the lease, didn't tell him we were over if he didn't move with us, didn't make him feel like crap.  The only thing I was doing was buying a house.  If he wanted to think that he had to move with us or break up, then that was his choice.  I personally think with graduate school he might be better off getting a small apartment and doing his research and writing there and then coming to our house when he had free time, but he didn't see it that way.  No trust in me and no trust in us.  I am also starting to suspect no trust in himself.  I will admit I have my doubts about his ability to obtain his goals in higher education, but I don't doubt that he will try at the expense of everything and everyone else.  While I admire his passion, I hate that his personality is inherently selfish.  Whether that is due to his ADD or just his immaturity, I do not know.  For now, I guess he has jumped on board and is making plans for the "vinyl" room and his study.  He claims to trust me and complained that he just felt out of the circle of trust.  I informed him that he removes himself from the circle of trust when he displays a complete lack of faith in me and my decisions.

Anxiety and excitement are often dance partners in many of my decisions, but none more than this one!  I hope in a few years when I have some savings built up, my comfort level is up and all is good that I can look back on this blog and laugh at how silly all my worries were.  I hope the air conditioner lasts at least one summer and the insulation isn't about as good as toilet paper, but if shit happens, I'll handle it.  I tell my kids a bunch, "It's cool!  Mommy's got this."  And I do, I got this and it feels pretty great!  I'm a home owner, again.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

As my sister was calling me on Father's Day for the third time, I started to feel that sinking guilty feeling creeping up on me.  I started feeling the sorrow, the pain and the anger too, but then I hung up and let it go.  I spent Father's day all by myself and loved every second of it.  I just refuse to celebrate a day that has never had an once of meaning for me.  What I needed, expected, craved in a father was never present for me, so why should I be expected to reciprocate anything to any of the men that were supposed to fulfill that role?  I've heard so many times, "It takes more than sperm donation to make a man a father."  It also takes less than a second to teach a little girl she is worthless and she should seek out men that think she is worthless, because that's what love is.

I honestly don't even know what a great dad is.  I know what he is not.  I had some friends that loved their fathers and I respected them and the relationship they had with my friends.  I have had friends that I thought were good fathers and that were very engaged with their family.  My experience was not without love, but it was confusing and dangerous.  Love came at a great cost and had many strings attached.  In the end, the cost to my self was too high and I cut the strings.  Unfortunately, I didn't come away free and clear.  Those men shaped my future.  As if trying to repair all the damage done to that little girl, I sought out men just like them to fill that empty void inside my heart.  Or maybe it was just what I knew and what was comfortable for me to be around, so I chose good providers, strong silent types, shy guys that didn't know how to communicate, or just plain jerks that everyone viewed as the tough guys.  All were emotionally unavailable, immature, selfish bullies that needed a woman that would feed their self-esteem, give them unconditional love and leave them to prove finally what an unworthy bitch she was like they had presumed all along.  A few were clinically depressed, many were alcoholic or addictive personalities, but all of them were basically the same men as my fathers had been.  All of them have had wonderful qualities about them, but the underlying traits that make it hard to have a relationship with them were there.  Selfish, immature, problems with communication, and the inability to accept responsibility seem to be hallmarks with the men I get involved with.  The trickiest part of all is they seem to hide it pretty well until after I fall in love with them.  I'm not fully convinced that this is deception on their part, as much as it is blindness on mine.  It is such a deeply rooted need to be validated and loved  by my father that will never be fulfilled and the result is a blind spot that clouds my vision when viewing potential mates.  Along with a few other 100 pounds of baggage I drag along to my dates, I take this cloudy vision and go merrily on my way in search of a drama free, loving relationship.  Simple right?

As it turns out, no.  Relationships, no matter what your baggage weighs, are hard.  That is why there are counselors, therapists, life-coaches and television shows dedicated to how people navigate through them, because they can suck in a big way.  Why do people continue to pursue them?  It's nature, we like to school, pack, herd, whatever you call it, it's just the human animal doing what it does.  I believe it is in my nature to complicate things as much as humanly possible  I think too much.   I worry too much.  I make up things to complicate a relationship before they are even an issue.  I self-preserve, make excuses, jump in head first, and then hate myself in the morning.  I also love to work a relationship to death, apparently. Even when things are going well, I'm not at peace.  So maybe it's just my nature to struggle?  What is that old saying, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for," so on I struggle.


My biggest struggle regarding my fathers was neglect.  I like to describe my biological father as driftwood that floated along in and out of my life, but essentially hollow and meaningless with a mysterious quality.  My step-father was more like a tool.  He was useful at times depending on the job, but if you weren't careful he could hurt you very badly and by the time the job was finished, he was always lost.  Another man that tried to be a father figure to me was a youth counselor at church.  As an inquisitive teen, I spent a brief and heartbreaking year in church.  Although this man was a sweet, caring and very religious person he was also seeking validation.  He didn't get what he was seeking and crushed any respect for him I would have had for all his teaching in the process.  Another male authority figure I had growing up was my high school P.E. Coach.  I still have the paper I wrote about him my freshman year of college.  I always wanted a dad like him and I suspect he always wanted a daughter like me.  The best thing he did for me was to let me know he cared and he was watching out for all of us kids.  I will say he was the closest thing to a father I have ever had, but I graduated high school and he had other kids to teach.  He is retired now and has lots of grand-kids to spoil.  He still gives me a big old bear hug whenever he sees me and he tried to set me up with his son to no avail.  Even though my teacher and my youth group leader were nice guys, they still couldn't replace the void left by my real father and I was left with the realization that all men leave.  They are not a permanent fixture, only an accent piece.  


I had no trust in men and was fairly sure this was just the way men are supposed to be.  Whether or not that belief contributed to the subsequent failure of all my future relationships or not, which I suspect it did subconsciously, it did play a huge role.  No relationship can exist without trust and the trust a little girl has in her parents will influence her future relationships.    I learned from my fathers that it was normal and okay for them to be gone for long periods of time, to not know where I was or who I was with, that I was less interesting than anything they had going on even if it was just a cigarette, and that it was perfectly acceptable to behave in any way they liked even if it included hurting me or the people around me.  My biological father took drugs, sold drugs, and placed me in dangerous situations.  He drove drunk with me in the vehicle.  He left me unattended with people that did not have my best intentions at heart.  I knew at age nine I was more emotionally mature than he would ever be and could manipulate him into doing exactly what I wanted.  I learned that they were paychecks, drivers or that if they found out what I was doing, they were dangerous.  My step-father had explosive anger that was barely under control and our household was like a volcanic hot spot.  It didn't matter what you did really, as long as you weren't standing close enough when the eruption happened.  Luckily for us, he wasn't around that much.  He was a business owner and provided for us very well monetarily, just never emotionally.  It's difficult to have a relationship with a volcano.  You can respect its power, but you can't hug it and if you choose to play within it's borders, you do so at your own risk.  So as father figures go, I got driftwood, a volcano, a teacher and a liar.  Not ideal, but I turned out okay.


Now that I'm nearing mid life, I have accepted that these men did the very best they could.  They all loved me in their own way.  Was it they way I needed them to?  Hardly, but you can't change the past only the way you let it influence your life.  I am still angry with them sometimes and I don't have any contact with any of them on a regular basis.  Mostly, I am just sad for my biological father.  He was responsible enough to realize that he didn't have the maturity to be a good father and had a vasectomy.  My step-father and biological mother gave me two siblings that I cherish beyond words.  He did provide for my basic needs growing up and we did have some fun times that he was actually present for.  I love all of them, but the pain they bring into my life is far greater than the love I receive from them.  I am available to them if they choose to open a dialogue with maturity, but when they call at what they feel are the appropriate birthday and holiday times to make small talk and invite me to this or that with one hours notice, I politely thank them and decline. It makes them feel better to have offered than it would if I actually accepted.  I have stopped seeking approval from my fathers through the relationships I have with other men and now give myself the approval and praise I deserve.  I will never get what I needed from a father, so I accept that and I get that from myself.  Incredibly, this fierce independence has served me so well in my life and I'm very proud of that personality trait.  


I'm not proud of the weak and needy person I was always trying to please men so that "daddy would love me".  I am still angry at times that they broke my heart instead of fortifying it against all the evils of the world.  My fathers didn't understand that love doesn't cost money.  It costs time.  The time you take to sit down and help with homework, to go to a volleyball game, to drive your kids to school or the doctor, or just to take a weekend off and go camping.  Time to get to know your children's friends, listen to their music, watch a movie and talk about what they think is interesting and what you think is interesting about them.  I know what not to do as a parent because of how badly they hurt me as a child.  I used this hurt and anger as an excuse for so long prohibiting myself from a real and honest relationship!  Blaming them or any man for hurting me just seems silly at this point, because I am a big girl and I allowed it.  It's pretty easy to date someone and tell if they are selfish or immature.  I love that book, "He's just not that in to you."  What the author doesn't say is you weren't important enough to those men for them to be honest with you.  They aren't mature enough to accept that you might listen to what they are really saying and accept that there isn't chemistry or whatever and just say, okay thanks for the drinks.  They only selfishly wanted your attention, but did not want to give you anything you wanted in return or an opportunity to hurt them.  I, like that author, believe all women have wonderful things about them and all women need to value those things before anyone else will.  We all self-preserve.  That is where my fathers failed miserably!  The best thing a dad can do for his child is to recognize his/her individual talents and to dote on him/her.  Is she an artist, good at sports, debate?  Is she a great communicator, social, have lots of friends?  I wish either of my fathers had taken the time to notice that I was always writing or asked to read something I had written.  I mailed a copy of that paper I wrote about my high school coach to him and he had it published in the local paper.  It still make me cry, for lots of reasons.  


I know the damage both parents can do to their children and I know first hand that adults can over come that damage with time.  I joke with my mother that parenting is only working out your childhood issues with live models.  The good thing about my dads are they were good guys trying the best they could.  The bad thing about my dads is they weren't very good a being mature, responsible people.  The ugly thing about my dads is that even with all the help available for them to change, they still chose to remain selfish, immature, addicted and alone instead of getting help and making changes that would open their hearts just a little more to having a relationship with the adult I've become.  Every child needs their father their whole life every bit as much as they need a mother.  Luckily, as you become an adult you need parents for different things.  I only need them to just be happy in their own lives at this point, and that is something I have no control over or responsibility for.  I wish them the best of luck with that.  I choose to look at the good and forget the bad and the ugly and ride off into the sunset a winner.

Remember Me?

Have you ever met someone that you just instantly knew you were going to really REALLY like?  Then after a month or two you decided you loved them so completely that the world began when they were with you and ended when they weren't?  The way they laugh, their voice, their eyes and that smile that makes you feel like the entire universe has opened up and given you the best gift.  Holding them makes you feel at peace and you never want another second to pass.  Talking to them about nothing, but laughing about everything and the more you learn about them, the more you want them?  A physical attraction bordering on hunger and a emotional connection that you can actually feel that person thinking of you and you text the same thing at the same time more than once.

Then have you had that person suddenly and horribly stolen from you?  I had a six month "relationship" with a man that I truly loved and would have done anything for, but then I learned he had never really existed at all.  Everything I had known about him was a lie. The lies kept coming and coming until the man I knew was a ghost except he was still standing there talking, telling me horrible things I did not want to ever hear.  My relationship with the fictional man I was in love with ended and a new relationship began that was twisted and wrong.  Thankfully it was short lived and no permanent damage was done.  I couldn't continue with the lies.  It only took me a little while to wake up from my nightmare, pick up my dignity, and leave.  At least that is the way I'm going to remember it.

He haunts me all the time this ghost.  I think about him when I'm doing things we liked to do, every time I get a french manicure, and when I pass places we used to meet for lunch or the bar where we first met.  I know his cologne and I smell it in the department stores.  The songs he used to play for me on his guitar still make me cry.  All these things I feel for a man that never existed.  The truth was he was a liar.  I can't believe a word he said to me, yet I want to so badly that it physically makes me sick.  I haven't spoken to the man in a long time even though I could talk to him right now, but it would be like a seance, fake and unnatural.

How do you get closure for a relationship that never really existed?  I wish I had never met this liar at all.  It's like winning a trip and then getting on a plane that crashes.  I feel so ridiculous and betrayed.  I feel cheated.  Even though I've moved on and met a wonderful real man that I also truly love, I can't help thinking about my ghost.  Remembering all the feelings and his kisses.  It wasn't real, but why do I still feel like this?  I guess it's just my memory of something so perfect that I want it to keep going even though it was over from the very first second he said hello.  It leaves me numb.  I can't even hate him.  I want the memory to go away like the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind".  I keep telling my heart to stop breaking, but he hurt me.  He hurt me!  I know I learned something from this, but I'll be damned of I can tell you exactly what.  I already appreciated honestly enough, I don't think I needed this.  This was like a kick in the teeth while I was laying on the ground covered in my own piss watching someone go through my wallet and steal my last five dollars.  Then finding out they also stole your credit cards and every once in awhile something pops up you have to fix.  Why won't he just fade away?

Relationships

To be or not to be, that is the question!  Does a forty year old divorced single mom with two active kids, a career, a crazy family, baggage of the physical and emotional kind, and bad credit even venture back into the dating scene?  Yes, she does because her friends, most of her crazy family, and Valentine's Day tells her she should.  How could anyone be happy alone for possibly another forty years?  How could you afford a house on your own?  Aren't you lonely?  Don't you need a man? Are you a lesbian?  How bad did your EX screw you up?  Funny how all these little slings and arrows pierce a woman's self-confidence and make her think she needs to be in a relationship.  However, after some soul searching, I have decided I don't need a relationship, but I want one.  I really do cherish the idea that I can grow old sharing my life with someone, helping each other, and enjoying our lives together.  I want that connection mind, body, and soul with a man.  I want a feeling of being a woman and nothing in this world makes me feel more womanly that being with a man.  However, being in a relationship and defining roles within it to build a partnership is so complicated.

I think men and women want the same basic needs fulfilled by their relationships.  Acceptance, love, honesty,  appreciation, and commitment.  I know I want these things in my relationship and I want them equally between my partner and I.  Does that mean that even though I do 90% of the cleaning that our partnership is doomed?  Surprisingly no, but if I do 90% of the cleaning and feel like my partner does 100% of the mess and never even acknowledges that I do anything but complain, then yes it is headed for Splitsville faster than a bullet train.  The evolution of a relationship, good or bad, is very tricky and often makes no sense what-so-ever.   I have read countless articles on the stages of a relationships and marriages, and yet divorce rates are higher than they have ever been.  I don't need to quote anybody's statistics for that, they have groups for kids of divorced parents in school now.  The sobering reality of our disposable society is relationships usually don't last, but yet I, like so many others, still want one to last until death do us part.  How do you make a relationship last through all of life's changes?  Some people say compromise, some say don't fight, some say fight right, some say it's impossible and all people finally just settle down into a routine and give up but stay in the marriage anyway.  I honestly think that it is just luck.  If all of us want the same basic things, then why do we have such a hard time with relationships?

Feelings are to blame.  Take for example my feelings of being taken for granted in every relationship I've ever had.  I'm a very very giving person.  It makes me feel good to give.  That saying, "It's better to give than to receive," should have been stamped on my forehead.  The down side of giving too much of your time, your heart, your money, your patience, your love is that not everyone appreciates your gifts.  Quite honestly, that never bothers me unless I'm in a relationship with the person who doesn't appreciate how special I am.  Don't misunderstand, I'm far from perfect, but if I can work two jobs, cook, clean, drive the kids to a baseball game and still be in a slinky outfit with garters, hose, and high heels with makeup at 11:00 p.m. when I have to work at 6:00 a.m. and the love of my life complains that he really just needs to get some work done when he has the entire day off the next day?  Trust me I'm going to feel taken for granted.  I have listened to many of my married man friends complain that they don't get enough attention, don't have sex enough, don't feel appreciated while their wives complain that they don't help with the dishes, never take out the trash, never buy them flowers or participate in any events, but nothing changes and then one day they are divorcing because they have just had enough.  Enough of being unappreciated on both sides and they were both right in FEE:LING that way.  Feelings aren't wrong they just are.  Unfortunately, I can't control my feelings like Spock, I am more a Captain Kirk.  Most people can't control their feelings, but they can control their behavior.  The disconnect that happens when a partner voices their feelings about a certain behavior and the other partner dismisses those feelings and neglects to change their behavior is key to feeling unappreciated.  Ignoring another person's feelings toward you is like hearing a tornado siren and running onto the porch, it doesn't make a lot of sense, but most people do it anyway.  The key is to have those feelings about the behavior and not about the person.  For example, I love my partner, but I hate it when he doesn't flush the toilet.  I don't hate my partner because he didn't flush the toilet, I just hate that he didn't flush his stinking gross shit away so I wouldn't have to see it.  He acted in a selfish way which caused me to feel badly.  However, if he continues to ignore how I feel and the behavior becomes who he is, I will start to hate him.  This is the slow erosion of a relationship.  When you finally realize the truth about that person and the value they place on your feelings.  It may seem like a small thing, but add up any small thing over years and years and it accumulates into a huge pile of stinking gross shit that no amount of flushing can ever wash away.  Feelings are like fertilizer to love.  Some are nutrient rich and others are too acidic and can damage love's roots and kill off any potential for growth.

Timing is also the culprit.  If you plant a tree at the wrong time the roots will die.  If you try to build a relationship with an emotionally immature person that is selfish and can't make a commitment past Friday night, your roots will die.  If a person tries to love you when your heart is broken and you can't see a way out the thick fog of your last relationship, their roots will die.  You have to start a relationship at the right time for both partners.  Thankfully, feelings can change and so can people, but you can never change time.

So why do some relationships grow and other's end?  Luck.  I think it's hard work, but mostly luck.  My current partner tells me a lot, "You're lucky I love you."  He is right.  I am lucky, because he does appreciate how special I am right now.  I'm not perfect and I don't know if our relationship will survive the test of time and our feelings will grow.  I love that song, "Now that we found love what are we gonna do with it."  My partner and I found love, now we have to decide what to do with it.  Do we appreciate it? Do we talk about our feelings honestly and behave in ways that will nurture our love?  Are we honest about ourselves and how we feel?  Do we change our behavior based on our feelings?  Do we value the love we found over our love for others?

It's so complicated, but that's life.  My alternative is to be alone and that is just not acceptable to me.  I like to share my life way to much to spend it alone.  I have close family, many friends and co-workers, but on a Friday night when I'm sitting in front of my TV in sweats dreading going to a gallery opening or a bar all by myself, because I'd rather be sitting down to a candle light dinner with somebody  I truly love and can't, I came to the conclusion that family, friends and my kids just simply weren't enough.  I wanted the entire messy, complicated, wonderful, crazy and difficult relationship.  "Now that we found love what are we gonna do with it," I guess I'll try to love it!

The End

Am I the only person that worries about the world today? Well, obviously not because I can look on the internet for five seconds and find a survival guide for the end of the world. I think since the beginning of recorded time people have worried about the world ending. I think for me it really doesn't matter when I play all the what if's out. What if China starts a third world war and launches nuclear missiles? What if a horrible disease starts from all the anti-resistant antibiotic germs? What if aliens attack? And trust me at 3:00 a.m. I have gone through and written a flow chart of what exactly all the consequences of these events might entail. Why would I waste good sleeping time doing something so insane? I don't know, but one reason is I am a control freak. I notice these things bother me more when the other parts of my life seem to be spiraling out of control. Another reason is I am just a worry wort. My therapist says I am a passionate person with the cares of the world on my shoulders, but asks me regularly how that is working for me. Have you solved world hunger yet? Do you have an answer to the nation's problem with standardized education? Does you ex-husband magically care now that he didn't buy toothbrushes for the boys or pay the dentist bill? I hate my therapist sometimes. The answers, when it comes right down to it, are simple. If China starts a nuclear attack, if bacteria infests the world population and if aliens attack, I will deal with it. Trust, in a nut's shell, is the answer to all my worries. Trust in myself to be able to handle life's problems.

Trust is a most difficult subject for me and especially trust in myself. I have noticed something about the people in my life though. The people I most admire have the most confidence in themselves to be able to handle what ever life throws their way. They TRUST in themselves above all else. Do they have lives that always go to plan and no challenges? Are they healthy, happy, and living in wedded bliss? No, not most of them. Most of them have crazy busy schedules, kids, sickness, divorce, their own businesses, mortgages, deaths, military service, and the list will go on and on with the challenges they face. The one thing they all have is a trust that they can handle these speed bumps in the road of life.

Where does this trust come from and why do some people have it while others can't trust anything? As the old saying goes, the only things for certain in life are death and taxes. I don't agree with that, because I know some people that don't pay taxes and, according to my son, there are funky little phones that allow the dead to tap into certain frequencies and talk to the living after they have passed on. Not sure I buy into that, but I'm sure for Christmas we will test that little theory. I think the only thing that is for certain in this life is change. Everything will change and that is a fact. Sometimes things change only slightly and sometimes there is a Tsunami that wipes out entire villages in the blink of an eye. One second you are shopping at the mall making plans for summer vacation and the next you are searching frantically for your five year old that was right beside you, calling out his name. Life as we know it will always change and I have discovered that I am pretty good at adaptation. Debt, divorce, cars breaking down, kids getting sick, work, relationships, bring it on! What I'm not good at is accepting those changes with a positive attitude and a feeling of confidence that this too shall pass. I dwell in the zone of anger and blame in times of change resenting the fact that I didn't decide to make this change and somebody is going to have to pay for it. It is hard for me to trust in myself, even though I have overcome some pretty huge obstacles in my life. I also worry constantly about these changes. They are like a maze with a thousand monsters waiting around every corner growling just loud enough for me to hear them and closing in from every direction. Yes, I have always been a glass-is-half-empty person. I'm practical, negative and sarcastic sometimes, but also creative, positive and hopeful.

Death is a good example. I never want to die. Hold on all my religious fellow travelers! I don't know what happens when someone dies. You don't know until you die and that is one of the most scariest things for a control freak to accept about death, the great unknown! I want to believe that I will become one with all the universe and always be linked with my children and loved ones, so that is what I choose to believe. Beyond that, it is another twist in the maze and it scares the crap out of me. I don't want to find out, ever. If my body runs out, give me a great robotic one. I'm dealing with death as I age, but my ability to trust in myself to handle change has been the greatest gift. If I'm brutally honest, I'm afraid of leaving my children and of them leaving me more than the grim reaper coming to call. My best friend in the entire world, my first friend, lost her son at the age of 20. She struggles daily, but she is such a survivor. My heart breaks for her and her family and their ability to just live on. She has taught me that I will keep going on, no matter what too, and that my boys will change so I better value every stinking second of my time with them. I thank her son Tyler all the time for teaching me that lesson, but I still wish I could bring him back to his Mother instead. I never want to know what that feels like or how my life would change without my kids, but she has also shown me they are never gone from our minds and hearts just out of reach of our hands. I will be an empty nester in no time at all it seems and that is so scary to me. Yet, I trust each of my boys and myself enough to let them go, make mistakes, learn and live. Yin and the Yang! Negative and positive together in balance.

I guess that is how I should look at the world when I get into one of my gloom and doom, chicken little moods. The world may be different and we all might become glowing green radioactive zombies, but we might really enjoy brains and that is just okay. Aliens may take over the earth and cure diseases and world hunger. The bird flu might wipe out half the population, but Stephen Hawking might finally come up with a way to download our consciousness and cheat death all together. It's exciting really when you make a choice to be more positive and trust yourself enough to do whatever you need to do. Maybe that is why so many confident people accomplish so many wonderful things. Trust allows them a freedom to reach beyond the fear and imagine all sorts of possibilities. I'm sure these people still worry, we all do. They are the heroes that hear the growling and keep going anyway until they finish the maze.