Hello All, this is my first attempt at blogging so be kind LOL!
I am a single mom with two boys ages 12 and 9. I have been divorced about 3 years now and my family is still suffering, but doing better. I have managed to maintain some sense of new normal, but my ex-husband has made some major life choices that continue to place the boys in turmoil. He is getting remarried to a woman he had only known about two months before moving in with her and her five biological children + a live in boyfriend of her oldest daughter's and numerous pets. At first I was so glad that he seemed to be happier and moving forward with his life. This honeymoon period only lasted until he announced they were moving in together. Ironically (or maybe not so ironically) this move occurred when I was awarded residential custody and his child support increased dramatically.
Let me preface this by saying I was your typical guilt ridden mother that did not ask for appropriate custody or support because I chose to ask for a divorce. I decided to end the marriage of eleven years because my ex-husband continued to jeopardize my credit, would not seek counseling for depression and felt no other alternative but to leave, therefore, I felt it was my fault and deserved no support. I have since received counseling and realized it takes two to make or break a marriage and it wasn't all my fault or all his fault and that I needed to do what was appropriate for my kids and stop blaming myself or allowing him to blame me. A year later when it became painfully clear I could not support the boys on $7.50 and hour and that I was not enjoying the benefits of joint/shared custody ie. I had the boys during the weekdays and he got to pick them up and go have fun on the weekend and bring them back on Sundays, I decided to return to mediation to attempt to work out a child support increase and reasonable visitation schedule.
After the court battle was settled a year later, he met and moved in with his new girlfriend. There was no transition period for our children. He moved all of their things to her house, sold most of them in a garage sale when they were not present, and explained to them this is her house and we are all going to have to follow her rules in one weekend after he moved. Needless to say, it has not been smooth sailing. However, I being the negotiator type and wanting to try and salvage our new custody arrangement without spending more money in court took the boys to counseling and encouraged him to join us to talk about the new move and how they might feel more involved. He attended one session, called to say he was going to be 30 minutes late the next time, and just plain skipped the last session in which the boys both told the counselor he isn't present today and isn't present for us most of the time. The boys then refused to attend another session believing it was not helping nor needed because nothing was going to change.
The boys have now been living approximately 3 weekends a month with their father at this new residence for a year and frankly it is a struggle to get them to go every weekend. They actually enjoy spending time with the other children (that now call my ex-husband Dad), but every Sunday when they return they have begun to follow a pattern. They unload all the negative and horrible things she said to them, their dad and the other children. At first I tried to sympathize with her. I explained to my kids how hard I thought it would be to keep the house from exploding into chaos with that many people in it. I told them you might have to help out a little more because if you don't it wasn't fair that she had to clean up after 8 other people. I reminded them that sometimes adults get stressed and that it might take some time for her to get used to having extra people living with her. Now, I feel like she has become this overbearing bully that "blows up" at every little thing. I have friends telling me that she is "crazy". The people she attends church with have sought me out to let me know how "crazy" she is. My ex-husband's best friend has sought me out to ask me what is going on and why he would put up with that "crazy" person. This same best friend had nothing good to say about me during our divorce, but has since realized I wasn't the horrible cheating whore my ex-husband claimed evidently, and now wants to enlist my help in talking to my ex-husband who seems completely under the new "crazy" person's spell. (on a side note: I thanked his friend for supporting my ex-husband through his good and bad times and hoped he could watch out for my boys when he was with them and keep his comments to himself when they were present)
I guess I'm just wondering if I should go back to court and limit the time he spends with the new family to every other weekend. I do have a cordial relationship with my ex-husband and I would like to keep that going. There is, however, no possible way he is willing to agree to this arrangement even though the boys have requested it several times. He has suggested a compromise that adds a couple of week nights to his visitation, but since they don't have their own rooms at his house, the homework is a huge issue and he seldom keeps the medication my oldest son takes on daily a routine, the overnights during the school week were not recommended by the judge and they certainly aren't feasible in my opinion. I don't want to alienate the children against their father or the new soon to be step-mom, but I really feel trapped into either supporting the situation or returning to court.
I'm sure most of you have either dealt with a similar situation or are dealing with it. I welcome advice or reading materials to assist me to make better parenting choices or talking to my ex-husband in a mature and solution oriented fashion. Thank you for reading and I look forward to reading all of your blogs!
Hopelessly caught in the triangle!
