It's been a little while since I posted. I started grad school, but that isn't the real reason. I have been dealing with another round of fall out. It's different this time. Funny how the effect of divorce is like the ocean. It's always there, wave after wave. In fact the ocean just seems to be my metaphor for life in general. Deep, mysterious, wondrous, full of miraculous creatures mostly misunderstood that could kill you, yet you can't help but be drawn to it. Sometimes you want to just dive in, explore, swim in the warm clear water, but other times the darkness and fear of the unknown keeps us building sand castles on the beach. Sometimes the danger lurking out there under the guise of a beautiful day isn't enough to risk feeling the water.
What do you tell your children about that darkness? Be careful, don't go out too far? We all know that is crap because most shark attacks happen close to the beach. It isn't safe. The ocean, the world, the playground, their Dad's house all of it has the potential to hurt them. You can get hit by a car crossing the street. Shit happens. Shit is happening every damn day. They have to decide whether it is worth the risk to be brave. My youngest son is having a real problem being brave right now. As a Mother, I have an extreme problem watching him suffer. I can rationalize all of it. We all can. He needs to learn how to deal with people. He needs to learn that pain is temporary and he is strong. He needs to develop confidence that he can handle what ever live throws his way. What if he can't? What if I'm wrong? What if he decides it is just too much? I have at times. When do you take their hand and march into the water anyway?
Al I know is to tell him what I have learned. You survive. You never know what is around the corner. We might win the lotto tomorrow? What if I'm wrong? What if it is just one crappy day after the next, on and on, until you die? Choices are all you have. This is the best I have. This is pathetic. I need something good for him. I need to show him that there is so much good in this world that he doesn't want to miss it! I need to make him feel all this love I have in my heart for him, but there is just no way to do that. You can never ever imagine how much other people love you or what you mean to them. If we could we would never self destruct. We simply wouldn't want to hurt those people so badly. He is struggling to swim, how can I sit on the beach while he is drowning? I can't. I jump in looking for anything to explain. He is a good swimmer. Why is he struggling?
When your children are born we want to show them everything about the world. We want to fill their brains with knowledge and show them the universe. What if when we do we are really just hanging a carrot in front of their nose? Here is this wonderful world out there that I have no money to take you to. You can look, but don't touch. I feel like we teach them all the wrong things. I made little explorers out of my children and the divorce just keeps them caged into a little space. They are bored with life, bored with school, bored with their lives always being like this. We keep trying to find things that are interesting to us just to have something to talk about. How do we break this cycle? It isn't like we don't appreciate what we have, it is almost that we appreciate it is all we have. It is all that is real. It is all we can trust. They know I don't trust anyone else. I can see they only trust me, but the more I push them or drag them into the ocean even for their own good, the trust is washed away. I need that trust. I need to trust that I am doing a good job as a parent. I need some calm water, but all around me the tide is rising.
Standing on the beach with my back to the ocean, I can feel the pull.
Sunday, March 30, 2014
Thursday, October 3, 2013
Marriage Material
The age of 41 one has been filled with wonderful moments and some hard struggles. I'm enjoying fixing up my little house and making memories with my children in our home. I love gardening again and getting my hands dirty making my little yard bloom. My kids are growing up too fast and the awareness of this has been a blessing. I can really tune into them and not miss some great conversations. I plan my life around the time I'm going to spend with them and it brings me such joy that I have such a wonderful mother-son relationship with them.
The love relationship I'm in has been frustrating and difficult. One of the most difficult things about it is that when it is great, it is really great but when it isn't it sucks like a Dyson on steroids. Step-parenting is not something I am ready for and increasingly neither is sharing my house. I have also come to the heart-breaking conclusion that I do not want to get married again ever. I don't want to be responsible for the care, commitment or sharing of another person's financial, emotional, health and well being for the rest of my life. Selfish? Damn right! I can barely figure out what I want to eat for dinner let alone commit to spending the rest of my life with someone. I want to be happy, but most of all I want to be free to figure that out and it seems like when I'm in a relationship it's mostly either one person is happy and the other one is just saying they are happy even though they would rather just punch you in the throat, or you are both fighting. I'm tired of fighting period. I'm tired of trying to negotiate. I'm pretty much just tired, but especially of trying to please anybody else.
I often wonder why it is that I have such a hard time having a good relationship. I know I didn't have the best role models and that I'm moody, stubborn, mouthy, over-protective, and mean at times, but I'm also a good mother, caring, devoted, loving, strong, independent, smart and creative. I never have trouble finding people to hang out with. I have many wonderful friends of both sexes. I'm social, but I honestly struggle with intimacy. I don't trust easily, especially if the people have burnt me in the past. I feel as though I state my needs clearly, but I know that sometimes I have let people take advantage of me and then resented them. I learned a lot about myself through the process of my divorce and I feel like I'm more open and honest in this relationship, but it only makes things harder. Standing your ground and demanding a partnership is impossible unless both parties agree to the constraints of being a partner. I am finding that most people really want to be taken care of, not take responsibility for their own happiness.
My expectations are these:
1. Shared financial responsibility
2. Shared daily maintenance of the property.
3. Be kind or if that isn't possible apologize.
4. Think of the other person's needs.
5. Communicate.
It is that simple. If you don't pay half the utilities then you are taking advantage of your partner. If you leave toothpaste and hair in the sink and piss on the toilet for more than a week, you are taking advantage of your partner. If you then complain about your partner not making dinner one evening after they bought said food in the fridge, you are being mean and you should apologize. If you don't apologize then you are not communicating or thinking of your partner's needs. You are being a selfish jerk and you should do the world a favor and live alone. If this happens on a regular basis and the same things keep coming up over and over you should get therapy, because you are a pathologically selfish person and are not mature enough for a relationship. Constantly taking advantage of the people you are supposed love is wrong even if those people love you so much they let you. Sometimes sorry won't fix things and I am so tired of walking around broken.
I see some couples that have a great relationship and a genuine friendship. I see young lovers getting engaged and they seem so happy and I have to admit I 'm so damn jealous. I'm bitter and jaded and I'm very sure this will never happen to me again. I know all these things are a choice I have made and trust is something I'm working on, but I honestly have lost all faith in marriage. I see my parents' divorce after 32 years, their friends dealing with diseases like Alzheimer's, cancer and stroke spending their retirement caring for a person they don't even know anymore and it scares the life out of me. I see my Grandmother crying and alone on this tiny fixed income. I have no idea what the future brings, but I would rather just worry about myself. I don't think I have enough time to build the love and lasting memories that would carry me through changing a feeding tube or a bed pan. And if my partner can't take out the damn trash or do his own laundry now, how could I trust him to care for me if I suddenly had a stroke? I miss that carefree attitude that allowed me to think marriage was forever. I despise people that can face that kind of commitment with joy. I get emotional looking at wedding dresses or bridal suites knowing there is no happiness for me there. Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I feel watching a happy couple while I pick apart every movement they make looking for some indication of future doom. Am I ruined? Do I hate marriage?
I did love a quote I heard, not sure exactly where, but it said if you want to get married be marriage material. I honestly don't think I'm there yet. I know to commit your life to someone you have to be able to trust them. The only one I trust at this point is myself and some days that is even pushing it. Without those five things there is no way I can trust a person. Those requirements are fluid and I learned enough to know that nobody is perfect, but I seem to be able to hold up my end of the partnership. Do I have unreasonable expectations? I also felt like wiping the piss off the toilet seat was a reasonable expectation, but much to my disappointment it seems this IS unrealistic according to 7 out of 10 men that I poled. I am working on not sweating some of the small stuff and apologizing more. It turns out most people are not marriage material which would support the current divorce statistics.
At 41 I think I am just going to focus on the most important things in my life which are my children. Being a good mom makes me happier than any red rose. I take more time for myself now they are older and it feels good. A few moments of loneliness seems a small price to pay for peace. Maybe someday I will be "marriage material", but for now I am a huge quilt that seems strange and interesting to the people who haven't seen it and comforting to the ones who have grown up covered by it's love.
Friday, August 23, 2013
Junior High
Well another year of school is in full swing now. For the first time in my children's lives I did not take them to school on the first day. It pissed me off. The first day of school is like decorating the Christmas tree. It's mine. It seems like the older the kids get the more excluded either I or my ex-husband is from these events. I try to be nice and take the high road, but I'll have to admit sometimes the high road is paved with shit bricks and I hate it. I know I will have to find a way to get over missing some of these events or it will drive me insane. This year I have no picture for their first day. I took pictures on the third day, but admittedly, it wasn't the same. Do I blame my ex-husband for taking that moment away from me? Yes and no. I don't blame him a bit for regretting that he has never taken time off from work and wanted to experience that thrill of watching them go off all excited on a new adventure. I do blame him for not thinking about my feelings or helping to prepare them for that first day. I purchased the supplies, the backpacks, the shoes and clothes and then he swoops in and takes a few days off so he can steal my time?? Right, I'm not past it yet.
I know it my heart of hearts he was only wanting time with his kids. I can never blame him for that. In fact, I am truly glad he sees this as a significant time for them. I'm glad it all worked out well and they had a great first day of school. I missed them horribly and stressed so badly about the entire thing, but that was my fault. I put myself through that hell. It is really just one more reminder that I am going to have to let go a little more every year. I have to let go of my expectations and just celebrate that they are happy and thriving little people. I have to let go of what I see as "my time". It is their time, the kids' time. It isn't about who they choose or who they love the most, because I know they love me and their Dad and there is enough love to go around even if I can't physically see it at the time. I have to trust in my kids that they can handle what ever might come up while they are away from me. That is what Junior High is, a transition.
I see my family in this transition. It's awkward and difficult with really ugly and unexpected things going on. They are requiring more privacy, but also more intimacy. They want to know what I'm thinking and I have to really think about what I'm saying. My kids have more complex worries and I'm so happy they feel comfortable talking to me, especially since they are boys. I have to find ways to relate to them on a semi-adult level but also remember to have fun. We have decided to coach my youngest's soccer team to spend some extra time together. I find myself talking to them about consequences and how to make good choices, but admitting that it is hard to know what is right all the time. Some times I don't think there even is a right or a wrong, and how do you explain that to children? Life is not fair? I hated that when I was younger! Nothing gets a teenager madder than, "I'm sorry the answer is no, because I said so." I hate to say no, but I do like to negotiate. I like finding a common ground with the boys and letting them make choices. Now if I can only make myself stop worrying long enough to let them endure the consequences. I am grateful for this transition period between now and 18. I am fully aware that I need some practice at letting go. Deep down I don't want to let them go, but I know they will be back. Teenagers always run out of money, thank goodness.
I know it my heart of hearts he was only wanting time with his kids. I can never blame him for that. In fact, I am truly glad he sees this as a significant time for them. I'm glad it all worked out well and they had a great first day of school. I missed them horribly and stressed so badly about the entire thing, but that was my fault. I put myself through that hell. It is really just one more reminder that I am going to have to let go a little more every year. I have to let go of my expectations and just celebrate that they are happy and thriving little people. I have to let go of what I see as "my time". It is their time, the kids' time. It isn't about who they choose or who they love the most, because I know they love me and their Dad and there is enough love to go around even if I can't physically see it at the time. I have to trust in my kids that they can handle what ever might come up while they are away from me. That is what Junior High is, a transition.
I see my family in this transition. It's awkward and difficult with really ugly and unexpected things going on. They are requiring more privacy, but also more intimacy. They want to know what I'm thinking and I have to really think about what I'm saying. My kids have more complex worries and I'm so happy they feel comfortable talking to me, especially since they are boys. I have to find ways to relate to them on a semi-adult level but also remember to have fun. We have decided to coach my youngest's soccer team to spend some extra time together. I find myself talking to them about consequences and how to make good choices, but admitting that it is hard to know what is right all the time. Some times I don't think there even is a right or a wrong, and how do you explain that to children? Life is not fair? I hated that when I was younger! Nothing gets a teenager madder than, "I'm sorry the answer is no, because I said so." I hate to say no, but I do like to negotiate. I like finding a common ground with the boys and letting them make choices. Now if I can only make myself stop worrying long enough to let them endure the consequences. I am grateful for this transition period between now and 18. I am fully aware that I need some practice at letting go. Deep down I don't want to let them go, but I know they will be back. Teenagers always run out of money, thank goodness.
Wednesday, June 19, 2013
Border Patrol
I have a very hard time with personal boundaries. As I increase in age, it becomes easier to identify that uneasy feeling that comes when my ex-husband, his new wife, or friends are dancing along a boundary line, but it is very difficult to maintain an atmosphere of peace when standing guard over what you feel is acceptable. I have certain boundaries and rules that I understand not everyone has, but I know I deserve enough respect as a parent, friend or partner that even though people don't share my particular view, they can communicate their feelings and we can work out a compromise. Communication seems to be the central most element in maintaining and establishing boundaries. Fear is the absolute destruction of communication. If you are afraid to communicate what your feelings, boundaries, rules, expectations are then you are also afraid to solve any issues that might arise during the process of communicating. Although anger or apathy is usually what I seem to deal with, behind the anger and the apathy is fear. Anger is just and expression of the fear that your needs are not going to be met. Apathy is giving up caring about yourself or others. People in my life that don't respect my boundaries are often afraid that I am rejecting them in some way. They argue, they refuse to communicate, they threaten and they are all trying to win. What they don't understand is that my boundaries are not a game. There are no winners or losers. Those boundaries are for my emotional health and my preservation. I am only trying to communicate my needs. Setting boundaries allow my children and I to maintain peace and order in our lives. They allow us to understand each other and how we are connected. Boundaries and rules teach my children trust in me. They teach other people how to treat me and what I expect from their behavior.
One huge example of this is scheduling. My ex-husband and I fought our entire relationship with scheduling. His life was devoid of a schedule outside of him getting to work at a certain time. I was never guaranteed he would be home at a certain time, nor that he would communicate with me regarding his schedule. In the beginning of our marriage this wasn't a huge deal. It allowed me unlimited freedom on the upside, because he never expected me to communicate where or when I would be home. However, as time went on and kids came along it became a huge issue. Baby's are on feeding schedules and toddlers need routine to help them sleep through the night. I needed to know if he was going to be available to co-parent. When I returned to the work force I was juggling four schedules with no communication and it fostered a huge resentment on both our parts when I would "dump" the kids on him as soon as he returned. My ex-husband used to say things like, "You didn't tell me you needed me to watch the kids." I highly resented that he viewed "watching" the kids as optional. Fathers don't watch their own kids, they parent them 24/7 even if they are working. This is something my ex-husband has never understood. Still now divorced almost 4 years later he is a babysitter. He has difficulty returning the children on time and has difficulty communicating his reasons other than he just forgot or he didn't think it was THAT important. Well that is why we are divorced and I try to remain a little more flexible when he is involved. I realize that he is re-married and this new family doesn't have the same schedule or expectations, but I still struggle with his lack of respect of my family's. It has destroyed a great deal of trust in our relationship. It has also destroyed his children's trust in him. Broken promises, missed pick up times, and unanswered questions do not make a person trust you.
I once told my friend, "It isn't your responsibility to make your family happy, but it is your responsibility to communicate your feelings and try to understand theirs." I personally can't dole out a happy pill and make everyone's problems disappear. I can try to communicate without fear of rejection what my rules, boundaries, and expectations are. What good does it do to have a bunch of happy people in your life when you are miserable? Do those people really care about you if they refuse to communicate? I didn't get married to become a martyr and sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of all others. I wanted to share my happiness with other people that were similarly inclined to share theirs. I mistakenly married someone who had different expectations and views on what being happy was. My ex-husband tells me he is happier than he has been in a long time. I hope this is truly how he feels. I always wanted him to be happy. I look at his chaotic life with five step-kids and his two children and know that I would never be happy with that situation, but I'm truly wishing him the very best. I realize his views are always going to be very different from mine, but I can't help being irritated when he fails to recognize it. If we both understand we have different lifestyles (which we have discussed at length and I believe we do have an understanding) then why is it so difficult for he him to communicate? Very simply, he has no respect for or trust in me.
It is rather a catch 22. I let him down. By allowing him to cross those boundaries in our marriage and ultimately destroying the trust and respect we had for each other, I set this ball in motion. I tried the entire marital relationship to compromise, to give, to change for him and ended up exhausted, tired and didn't even recognize the person I became. He said many times he wished I was just like I had been when we were first married. I don't have a clue what he is asking. I have come a long way and I am a better mother, friend and ex-wife than I ever was when I was his wife. We don't argue a lot, but we aren't hateful about it anymore. I have established a very definite boundary that I refuse to fight with him. If we can't communicate then we stop talking until we can. Both of us know we have two wonderful boys that deserve two parents that can work together period. I regret that he feels like he can't trust me, but I can only change my actions, not his mind. I can't respect someone that is not honest and I don't expect him to and that is why I deal with him honestly even if I know it will start and argument. Relationships can survive arguments if there is a solution. Relationships will never survive lies and apologies go a long way to repairing mis-communication.
Rules, schedules, boundaries are all no fun. They are responsible, adult things. They are control and cold feeling sometimes like rigid uncompromising bandits that steal all your time. There are times when you just need to throw them out the window and do what feels right. I've tried to explain rules to my children as guidelines. I realize that I can get caught up in the schedule and forget to just let life happen sometimes. It is a fact of life that we all have limits. I'm trying to balance and communicate my needs and the needs of all those I love. That is respect. Communication is trusting that we can all come to a solution eventually. Love, trust, respect, communication, balance are what make me happy. They don't happen overnight, but fear isn't going to keep me from being truly happy or proud of the honest, respectful, loving person I am.
Thursday, June 6, 2013
Are You My Mother?
I loved reading my children the story by Dr. Seuss, "Are You My Mother?". They would read the question part. They would also ask me in their little bird voices and I would say, "You know I'm your Momma!". Apparently, so does everyone else.
What is a good mother? The ability to love unconditionally and to nurture? What makes a person a good mother? This question has really been on my mind lately as I seem to always end up being a "mother" to everyone, including sometimes my own Mom. I have this mode, the fix it, take care of you, make you feel better, take all your cares, clean up your messes, gloss over your faults, mode. People I deal with at work instantly connect to me and tell me about their history. Clients tell me all about their son's crazy wife or the trouble they have with their spouse. Grocery clerks, people waiting in line at the tag office, everyone everywhere seems to just know that I will care. I will listen to them and if I can, try to help. I get a good feeling from this mode or I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't fix it. Sometimes I can't take care of anybody, including myself, because I'm utterly exhausted and depressed. Sometimes I just want to run away and never be anybody's Mom again. Sometimes I go to far and take care of things that were never my responsibility to fix. Sometimes I resent the hell out of people I love for abusing my kindness. It is difficult to have personal boundaries when you are a Mom. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to see my children unhappy, but there is the crux. All children are unhappy sometimes. We all are. That is life. Life is happy, sad, messed up, perfect, confusing, boring, exciting and always changing! What I really want is to control my life, but I can't and it doesn't make me a good Mother by trying. I can't control anyone's life, only my behavior. Wanting to control everything makes me a fearful Mother, a doubting in my child's ability to handle their life kind of Mother. It makes me my Mother about 40 years ago. I want to be good Mother, not a control freak. So I step back, regroup, look at what is really bothering me, listen to what my children are telling me is bothering them, and then if action is required I take it. If it is something they just needed me to listen to, then mission accomplished. If my friends seek me out to tell me their issues and commiserate on their latest attempts to get a life, I really don't even have to listen. I will, because I have a tough time being rude, but I don't HAVE to. I have been doing this a bunch lately with all my relationships. I don't think as Mom's we understand the emotional toll it takes on us when we don't be ourselves and get trapped in Mommy Mode. A good mother knows when to separate her responsibility from her child's. A good mother knows how to let go and make you feel good.
What is it that makes people see you as a good Mom? Is it my ability to listen? Is it my ability to empathize? Do we all just really want someone to try and fix it? I think so. I think we all want that cup of soup, hand on our back while we puke, soft voice as we fall asleep, hug so tight we feel like we are gonna pop feeling. You never love or hate anybody quite like your own Mother, except maybe your Step-Mother. I have had a couple Step-Mothers in my childhood and they were the most loving, caring and patient people. I was very lucky. I think they had to be to want to marry the train wreck of a biological father I had, but they had something in common with me. They were fixers. They were optimistic about their ability to love. They were most likely co-dependents. In the end they were sad, depressed, used up and alone. I never saw them again. I was extremely angry at my Father for that. Later my Mother told me that she talked to both my Father's ex-wives and that they were extremely emotionally connected with me and felt horrible loss and pain at the prospect of leaving him and what it would do to me. My Mother assured them I would be fine and I was, but it hurt. I hope my own children don't see the men in their lives as disposable. Even at age ten I knew anybody in my Father's life was going to be temporary. He was a temporary kind of guy, but it is hard to spend a year with a Step-Mother type person in your life and not become attached. It is also hard to grow up in a temporary environment, a scary environment with a scared Mother and not long to get some control over your little life.
I have also been reading a great deal about Spoused Children. From what I can tell, this happens when a parent gets divorced and makes their child into their spouse, confidant, friend, buddy, etc. The parent leans on the child for emotional support like they would a spouse.They foster a "we're partners" kind of attitude. While reading several parenting books, I travel back and remember all the loving stories that my Mother tells about how it was just her and I living in this duplex or that apartment. I don't actually recall most of that time in my life as I was only three, possibly four years old, but she does and paints a picture of the strongest bond between us. To this day, she has described it as, "You and me against the world." I am 41 and she is 58 and I still know her better than my now Ex-Step Father. Half the time I think I know her better than she does. I love sometimes that we are close, but other times it feels like the tie that binds is wrapped around my neck! I do recall as a child feeling extreme resentment at her for pushing me over for my new Step-Father, but the same time it was nice not having to worry about money and moving to a new house with my own room. The parenting books say that often a child can be un-spoused if a parent is aware they have fallen into this pit. Let me just say that my Mother and I fell in the pit, she threw me a raft and then periodically swam out to wallow in the pit our disfuction. My Mother and I have always been extremely close and skated in and out of the Mother/Daughter/Friend dynamic. I knew most of what was going on in my Mom's life at all times and I certainly knew more than what was healthy for me. Having boys it is still a huge task for me to keep a close mother/son relationship, and not spouse them. I like to think that because I never lean on people in general, it has been easier for me to avoid spousing my children. I guess there is one up side to not trusting anybody. Now they are older and ask a lot of personal questions, it is more difficult. The boys want to know how I handle my relationships, especially with the adults in their lives. I find if I question more than talk and really listen, usually they are just searching for better ways to handle their relationships and truly don't need personal details about me. I have always told them I can't be everywhere and everything, I'm just your Mom. I make mistakes just like everybody else and they are perfectly capable of screwing up their own lives. They don't need me to do it for them I do believe that it is impossible to respect your parents if they are constantly looking to you (a child) for comfort, advise and acceptance. Those things all come from within. The only thing a child wants is love, not the weight of the world an adult carries around. Our children don't want to be our friends, they want us to be Moms and Dads and model confidence that comes with working out our problems for ourselves. Our children want to be themselves and feel safe to do so.
In reverse, I want to feel like my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, etc. don't need me to be their mother. I expect people to be adults. Possibly this expectation is my biggest mistake of all, but I also see my behavior allowing them to "Motherize" me. We all have those people we run to when snot is running down our face and we just need to wipe it on them with no fear of being pushed back. I let people wipe snot on me when I can see they are in pain. I honestly don't have it in me sometimes to tell the clerk at the store, "You know what, maybe if you didn't look like a crack whore and work at a huge chain store and have five kids from different dads your life wouldn't suck ass." I can say it to myself and be thankful that I have more sense and have made better choices, but I also get that this is a human being and she is hurting right in front of me and I have to care. I have to. I might even have to hug her, but at the very least I have to wish her a better day and an easier shift. What I don't have to do is take responsibility for her. I don't have to clean up after adults, or keep cleaning up my teenager's room, or keep giving my fiance a free pass on his share of the chores. If I do choose to then I know it is more about control and fear than love. A good mother doesn't take your responsibility away from you, she loves you in spite of your failure to see the consequences and respects herself enough to let you face them. She trusts you to fix it, to look for answers, to grow and change. She knows that no matter what there will always be love.
I guess what makes a good Mother, Father, or parent is providing a safe place for a child to develop, modeling good adult behaviors, accepting everyone makes mistakes, things change, and whether times are good or bad you will always be loved. I always thought that it was so cruel that mother birds sometimes pushed their babies out of a nest, but if they never leave the nest they will never know what it's like to really fly. Looking back I know my parents made their share of mistakes and I have made some along my journey, but my son put it best when he said, "My Mom is closest to my heart." As long as I'm there, I'm good. You know I'm your Momma!
What is a good mother? The ability to love unconditionally and to nurture? What makes a person a good mother? This question has really been on my mind lately as I seem to always end up being a "mother" to everyone, including sometimes my own Mom. I have this mode, the fix it, take care of you, make you feel better, take all your cares, clean up your messes, gloss over your faults, mode. People I deal with at work instantly connect to me and tell me about their history. Clients tell me all about their son's crazy wife or the trouble they have with their spouse. Grocery clerks, people waiting in line at the tag office, everyone everywhere seems to just know that I will care. I will listen to them and if I can, try to help. I get a good feeling from this mode or I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't fix it. Sometimes I can't take care of anybody, including myself, because I'm utterly exhausted and depressed. Sometimes I just want to run away and never be anybody's Mom again. Sometimes I go to far and take care of things that were never my responsibility to fix. Sometimes I resent the hell out of people I love for abusing my kindness. It is difficult to have personal boundaries when you are a Mom. I want everyone to be happy. I don't want to see my children unhappy, but there is the crux. All children are unhappy sometimes. We all are. That is life. Life is happy, sad, messed up, perfect, confusing, boring, exciting and always changing! What I really want is to control my life, but I can't and it doesn't make me a good Mother by trying. I can't control anyone's life, only my behavior. Wanting to control everything makes me a fearful Mother, a doubting in my child's ability to handle their life kind of Mother. It makes me my Mother about 40 years ago. I want to be good Mother, not a control freak. So I step back, regroup, look at what is really bothering me, listen to what my children are telling me is bothering them, and then if action is required I take it. If it is something they just needed me to listen to, then mission accomplished. If my friends seek me out to tell me their issues and commiserate on their latest attempts to get a life, I really don't even have to listen. I will, because I have a tough time being rude, but I don't HAVE to. I have been doing this a bunch lately with all my relationships. I don't think as Mom's we understand the emotional toll it takes on us when we don't be ourselves and get trapped in Mommy Mode. A good mother knows when to separate her responsibility from her child's. A good mother knows how to let go and make you feel good.
What is it that makes people see you as a good Mom? Is it my ability to listen? Is it my ability to empathize? Do we all just really want someone to try and fix it? I think so. I think we all want that cup of soup, hand on our back while we puke, soft voice as we fall asleep, hug so tight we feel like we are gonna pop feeling. You never love or hate anybody quite like your own Mother, except maybe your Step-Mother. I have had a couple Step-Mothers in my childhood and they were the most loving, caring and patient people. I was very lucky. I think they had to be to want to marry the train wreck of a biological father I had, but they had something in common with me. They were fixers. They were optimistic about their ability to love. They were most likely co-dependents. In the end they were sad, depressed, used up and alone. I never saw them again. I was extremely angry at my Father for that. Later my Mother told me that she talked to both my Father's ex-wives and that they were extremely emotionally connected with me and felt horrible loss and pain at the prospect of leaving him and what it would do to me. My Mother assured them I would be fine and I was, but it hurt. I hope my own children don't see the men in their lives as disposable. Even at age ten I knew anybody in my Father's life was going to be temporary. He was a temporary kind of guy, but it is hard to spend a year with a Step-Mother type person in your life and not become attached. It is also hard to grow up in a temporary environment, a scary environment with a scared Mother and not long to get some control over your little life.
I have also been reading a great deal about Spoused Children. From what I can tell, this happens when a parent gets divorced and makes their child into their spouse, confidant, friend, buddy, etc. The parent leans on the child for emotional support like they would a spouse.They foster a "we're partners" kind of attitude. While reading several parenting books, I travel back and remember all the loving stories that my Mother tells about how it was just her and I living in this duplex or that apartment. I don't actually recall most of that time in my life as I was only three, possibly four years old, but she does and paints a picture of the strongest bond between us. To this day, she has described it as, "You and me against the world." I am 41 and she is 58 and I still know her better than my now Ex-Step Father. Half the time I think I know her better than she does. I love sometimes that we are close, but other times it feels like the tie that binds is wrapped around my neck! I do recall as a child feeling extreme resentment at her for pushing me over for my new Step-Father, but the same time it was nice not having to worry about money and moving to a new house with my own room. The parenting books say that often a child can be un-spoused if a parent is aware they have fallen into this pit. Let me just say that my Mother and I fell in the pit, she threw me a raft and then periodically swam out to wallow in the pit our disfuction. My Mother and I have always been extremely close and skated in and out of the Mother/Daughter/Friend dynamic. I knew most of what was going on in my Mom's life at all times and I certainly knew more than what was healthy for me. Having boys it is still a huge task for me to keep a close mother/son relationship, and not spouse them. I like to think that because I never lean on people in general, it has been easier for me to avoid spousing my children. I guess there is one up side to not trusting anybody. Now they are older and ask a lot of personal questions, it is more difficult. The boys want to know how I handle my relationships, especially with the adults in their lives. I find if I question more than talk and really listen, usually they are just searching for better ways to handle their relationships and truly don't need personal details about me. I have always told them I can't be everywhere and everything, I'm just your Mom. I make mistakes just like everybody else and they are perfectly capable of screwing up their own lives. They don't need me to do it for them I do believe that it is impossible to respect your parents if they are constantly looking to you (a child) for comfort, advise and acceptance. Those things all come from within. The only thing a child wants is love, not the weight of the world an adult carries around. Our children don't want to be our friends, they want us to be Moms and Dads and model confidence that comes with working out our problems for ourselves. Our children want to be themselves and feel safe to do so.
In reverse, I want to feel like my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, etc. don't need me to be their mother. I expect people to be adults. Possibly this expectation is my biggest mistake of all, but I also see my behavior allowing them to "Motherize" me. We all have those people we run to when snot is running down our face and we just need to wipe it on them with no fear of being pushed back. I let people wipe snot on me when I can see they are in pain. I honestly don't have it in me sometimes to tell the clerk at the store, "You know what, maybe if you didn't look like a crack whore and work at a huge chain store and have five kids from different dads your life wouldn't suck ass." I can say it to myself and be thankful that I have more sense and have made better choices, but I also get that this is a human being and she is hurting right in front of me and I have to care. I have to. I might even have to hug her, but at the very least I have to wish her a better day and an easier shift. What I don't have to do is take responsibility for her. I don't have to clean up after adults, or keep cleaning up my teenager's room, or keep giving my fiance a free pass on his share of the chores. If I do choose to then I know it is more about control and fear than love. A good mother doesn't take your responsibility away from you, she loves you in spite of your failure to see the consequences and respects herself enough to let you face them. She trusts you to fix it, to look for answers, to grow and change. She knows that no matter what there will always be love.
I guess what makes a good Mother, Father, or parent is providing a safe place for a child to develop, modeling good adult behaviors, accepting everyone makes mistakes, things change, and whether times are good or bad you will always be loved. I always thought that it was so cruel that mother birds sometimes pushed their babies out of a nest, but if they never leave the nest they will never know what it's like to really fly. Looking back I know my parents made their share of mistakes and I have made some along my journey, but my son put it best when he said, "My Mom is closest to my heart." As long as I'm there, I'm good. You know I'm your Momma!
Thursday, May 30, 2013
Don't Take My Dreams
My son is working on a project at school about his life so far and it had a section in it that really made me think long and hard about how I encourage him to accomplish his goals. I have tried very hard not to influence what his dreams are, but to make him realize they are his dreams and making them come true is HIS responsibility alone. I think too many of us parents are so busy dealing with our own lives to even hear what are kids are dreaming about, but I love to listen to the minds of my children wander through their thought processes about life and what they want to do when they grow older. I have always felt my job as a parent is to give my children the tools they need to accomplish those dreams, whatever they might dream. I don't want to steal my children's dreams with negativity or fear.
One of the hardest tools to teach your child is confidence. The best way is by having some in the first place. Encourage them to try! Don't be afraid to try things and let your children see you fail. From their perspective, even if you fail like a boss, you're still the most awesome person ever and you are teaching them that it is perfectly okay to try even if you make mistakes. My son once asked me why I wanted to go to school and become a nail technician when I already had a college degree. I told him it was a dream of mine. It may not have worked out like I had planned, but that is alright and I am all the better for it. My marriage may not have turned out like I had planned, but it was a dream of mine to get married and have children. I think back on all the crazy dreams I've had like being a marine biologist, being a solid gold dancer, being a mom, being a lawyer, running my own business, being a computer programmer, running the family business, creating BiteSize, and being a famous writer and even though most of them didn't pan out, I tried. I tried and I'm better for it. I'm still trying and as long as I keep dreaming, they are possible.
One of the greatest obstacles to accomplishing your dreams are letting other's make you think their dreams are your dreams. Judgement, fear, criticism, financing, and stress of getting through the day can put the spark of a dream out like a January wind. I find myself asking my children, "What do you think being a sniper is like?" Becoming a sniper in the US Marines is one of the current front runners in my son's dream basket. Although I can think of nothing worse from a mother's standpoint, I want to be supportive of his dreams. I make an extreme effort to separate my dreams of him becoming and famous plastic surgeon or a car designer and let him have his own dream. I do try to inject some reality into it by asking him if he even realizes that snipers shoot real bullets and have to live with the consequences of shooting those bullets at people. I also tell him if he wants to join the military, he won't be able to decide what he is going to do with most of his time. I would however be honored and proud no matter what he chooses and would support him in every way possible.
It's scary how quickly some dreams can become forever out of reach. One of the things I constantly try to instill in my children is to simply be open to a possibility. If you can dream it you can be it, but the opposite is also true. If you can't imagine it, then there is no way you are ever going to accomplish it. Some things are an impossibility, right now. Unless I win the lottery, there is no way I'm going on a vacation this summer, but when you start saying things like, "I'm never going on a vacation." The dream is gone. The possibility is gone. Sometimes you don't even know something was dream until the possibility has been trampled. I had a procedure done to make sure I didn't have any more children in my first marriage. I was sure I didn't want and couldn't handle any more children in that relationship. After that marriage ended and I began to open myself up to the possibility of other relationships, I suddenly realized I was furious at myself for making such a huge decision that affected the rest of my life. I thought I was making a good decision at the time, but in the back of my mind there was a regret. I still wish I had a girl. That will always be a small regret, but there are no guarantees I would have had a girl if I had tried again. I would have loved another child regardless, but I really really wish I would have left that possibility open.
Another thing I love to encourage in my boys is to create new dreams. Sometimes when we are out playing they will get very excited about a different game or product we are using, I ask them how could we make this better? I also love to ask them what would be the funnest game ever, the best book, the best tasting dessert? I always want them to realize that you can take the things you love and make them even better for you or make a career out of that! You like legos? How much more fun would legos be if you built special furniture to hold them and make building with them easier? What if you built special cases to hold all of your creations and with built in lights and a webcam. Exactly!! My son is working on this next year in his woodworking class. I want them to realize that dreams are sometimes small things. This is how they can build confidence to go for the bigger dreams.
Dreams are so completely unique and personal to every person. Sometimes they are mountains we have to climb and sometimes they are just a surprising turn of events creating a tiny wish. Dreams are places where possibility rules the day and there are no boundaries. Dreams can be frightful, intoxicating, warnings, pure fantasy, signs, or absolute silliness. Dreams can teach us what we really need versus what we think we want. How far you are willing to go to accomplish a dream is a pretty good indicator of whether that dream is truly yours. Next time you hear a person dreaming, hold their hand. Ride on that magical thought wave. Look at their world with possible glasses! Would it be so bad to pretend? If we aren't free to dream, then we just aren't free to be the person we could become. Dreams change as we change, but if we choose to be happy and then dream of making it better, there is nothing we can't overcome.
One of the hardest tools to teach your child is confidence. The best way is by having some in the first place. Encourage them to try! Don't be afraid to try things and let your children see you fail. From their perspective, even if you fail like a boss, you're still the most awesome person ever and you are teaching them that it is perfectly okay to try even if you make mistakes. My son once asked me why I wanted to go to school and become a nail technician when I already had a college degree. I told him it was a dream of mine. It may not have worked out like I had planned, but that is alright and I am all the better for it. My marriage may not have turned out like I had planned, but it was a dream of mine to get married and have children. I think back on all the crazy dreams I've had like being a marine biologist, being a solid gold dancer, being a mom, being a lawyer, running my own business, being a computer programmer, running the family business, creating BiteSize, and being a famous writer and even though most of them didn't pan out, I tried. I tried and I'm better for it. I'm still trying and as long as I keep dreaming, they are possible.
One of the greatest obstacles to accomplishing your dreams are letting other's make you think their dreams are your dreams. Judgement, fear, criticism, financing, and stress of getting through the day can put the spark of a dream out like a January wind. I find myself asking my children, "What do you think being a sniper is like?" Becoming a sniper in the US Marines is one of the current front runners in my son's dream basket. Although I can think of nothing worse from a mother's standpoint, I want to be supportive of his dreams. I make an extreme effort to separate my dreams of him becoming and famous plastic surgeon or a car designer and let him have his own dream. I do try to inject some reality into it by asking him if he even realizes that snipers shoot real bullets and have to live with the consequences of shooting those bullets at people. I also tell him if he wants to join the military, he won't be able to decide what he is going to do with most of his time. I would however be honored and proud no matter what he chooses and would support him in every way possible.
It's scary how quickly some dreams can become forever out of reach. One of the things I constantly try to instill in my children is to simply be open to a possibility. If you can dream it you can be it, but the opposite is also true. If you can't imagine it, then there is no way you are ever going to accomplish it. Some things are an impossibility, right now. Unless I win the lottery, there is no way I'm going on a vacation this summer, but when you start saying things like, "I'm never going on a vacation." The dream is gone. The possibility is gone. Sometimes you don't even know something was dream until the possibility has been trampled. I had a procedure done to make sure I didn't have any more children in my first marriage. I was sure I didn't want and couldn't handle any more children in that relationship. After that marriage ended and I began to open myself up to the possibility of other relationships, I suddenly realized I was furious at myself for making such a huge decision that affected the rest of my life. I thought I was making a good decision at the time, but in the back of my mind there was a regret. I still wish I had a girl. That will always be a small regret, but there are no guarantees I would have had a girl if I had tried again. I would have loved another child regardless, but I really really wish I would have left that possibility open.
Another thing I love to encourage in my boys is to create new dreams. Sometimes when we are out playing they will get very excited about a different game or product we are using, I ask them how could we make this better? I also love to ask them what would be the funnest game ever, the best book, the best tasting dessert? I always want them to realize that you can take the things you love and make them even better for you or make a career out of that! You like legos? How much more fun would legos be if you built special furniture to hold them and make building with them easier? What if you built special cases to hold all of your creations and with built in lights and a webcam. Exactly!! My son is working on this next year in his woodworking class. I want them to realize that dreams are sometimes small things. This is how they can build confidence to go for the bigger dreams.
Dreams are so completely unique and personal to every person. Sometimes they are mountains we have to climb and sometimes they are just a surprising turn of events creating a tiny wish. Dreams are places where possibility rules the day and there are no boundaries. Dreams can be frightful, intoxicating, warnings, pure fantasy, signs, or absolute silliness. Dreams can teach us what we really need versus what we think we want. How far you are willing to go to accomplish a dream is a pretty good indicator of whether that dream is truly yours. Next time you hear a person dreaming, hold their hand. Ride on that magical thought wave. Look at their world with possible glasses! Would it be so bad to pretend? If we aren't free to dream, then we just aren't free to be the person we could become. Dreams change as we change, but if we choose to be happy and then dream of making it better, there is nothing we can't overcome.
Wednesday, April 24, 2013
Friendships After Divorce
It has become very interesting to me to see the evolution of my friends before, during and after my divorce as compared to me being a friend to someone who is getting a divorce. Friendships with adults is not tricky unless only one of you is actually an adult. It amazes me that the filing of a divorce can send a friendship right back to high school in the blink of an eye; sides get chosen and hearts get broken. I have tried very hard to be cordial to the ex husbands and ex wives of my friends, especially when there is children involved, because I am an adult and I know that there are always two sides to every coin. I have tried extremely hard to be cordial to my ex-husband's friends. I also know how much blaming and accusing helps a relationship which is about as much as taking a knife to a tank fight. I also felt like their divorce was none of my business and if they chose to ask for my opinions or my help, I was there to be a friend and help not tell them how to live their lives. As far as my ex husband's friends, well they were never really great friends of mine anyways so nothing really had changed.
During my divorce, I had several good friends that tried to distract me from everything I was going through. I was an angry, crazy mess sometimes and looking back now I know they did the best they could dealing with that. My friends loved me and there wasn't a real loyalty issue, because frankly none of them were really friends with my ex husband. They were cordial with him and even waved when he had the boys. They did really exactly what I expected, but there were times when I really needed to just be sad or angry and I noticed my friends really didn't want to deal with that. They didn't want to dig deep with me and find out exactly what the issues were surrounding WHY I got a divorce and maybe they couldn't because they had some of the same issue going on in their own marriages that they were not dealing with either. My friends kind of fell into a few groups. The one's that wanted me to go out and party, forgetting my responsibilities for a little while and just let loose were my Friday-Saturday friends. My work friends that knew I was going through a divorce and helped me by letting me take extra breaks just in case my ex called and told me to hang in there helping me through the days. Lastly, my really close friends that knew there was nothing they could do or say to make things better, but they would just cry with me sometimes and hug me. I can honestly say I really only had one friend that did that. She has been my friend for all of my life practically and we truly have an amazing connection that will never ever go away. I also had my family that I leaned on a great deal, but considering my parents were also going through a divorce at the same time, it was often difficult for them to be supportive. Even with all my support from my friends and family, I felt incredibly alone, sad and tired. I had regret and confusion and host of emotions that nobody really understood. Looking back I think it was difficult for my friends to see me undone. I was someone they looked at as stable, in a good relationship, a good mom, and happy. Looking back, I realize my friends really didn't know me at all. My really close friend, my mother, and a few work friends had know I was having problems with depression and financial issues, but honestly I think they were all pretty shocked when I filed for divorce. After filing, as I began to tell people the hell I had been going through for the last several years, people were shocked. I decided then I wasn't going to lie to myself or my friends about my life anymore. I think, surprisingly, that has shown me who these people I had called friends really were.
I recently had a discussion with some of my friends about divorce. One of my closer friends has filed and I was her maid of honor at her wedding. A situation happened and it was within my definition of physical abuse. To me, this changes the entire divorce. I would have a protective order in place and either end visitation until my spouse undergoes so psychological evaluations, or just end visitation. My friend has decided that because she had an affair the abuse was provoked and therefore excusable. Some of my other friends feel since they had a prior relationship with the abuser that they have a certain amount of loyalty toward him. One thing all of my friends know about me is I have ZERO tolerance for physical abuse in a relationship. I felt they had all gone to great lengths to conceal some of these facts from me and it is difficult for me to be any kind of friend to any of them if they are going to allow this behavior and then lie about it to me. I can't make excuses for abuse. It is what it is. I love my friends, but abuse is not acceptable behavior and allowing it to continue in front of a child is something I can't watch. Looking back, I realize they couldn't watch my divorce because they did not want to deal with any of the issues I was bringing up, but also because they didn't want to deal with anything. They don't want to deal with why they are unhappy which was the root of why I wanted a divorce. I wasn't happy and there was no way within the confines of that marriage I was ever going to be allowed to be myself. I had explored the reasons for my unhappiness and most of them had little to nothing to do with my ex husband. I was unhappy because of me. My friends don't even seem to be unhappy. They can't even acknowledge that it is unacceptable to be hit, pushed or locked in a bedroom and threatened with bodily harm by the people they living with. How do you be a friend to someone who can't even be themselves? Maybe I really don't know my friends either?
I consider myself a good friend. I listen. I don't judge people because I believe everyone can learn to do better, I try to see the good in them and go with that. I know I don't want to live someone else's life and I don't even want to begin to tell them how to live theirs. I offer help when I see a need and I empathize. Even though I can't support some of my friend's decisions, I always let them know I will be there to help them in any way. I hope my friends can see that, but I also know that friendship is a two way street. I learned that if I didn't reach out for help, sometimes people don't realize you need it. Most of all, I am honest and I'm real. I am the kind of friend I would want. It is difficult when you see people you love in difficult situations and they don't want your help, don't want to deal with life, and don't want to stay safe. I guess sometimes you have to look at who your friends really are and decide if they are the kind of friends you need or want. Most of all you have to be your own best friend.
During my divorce, I had several good friends that tried to distract me from everything I was going through. I was an angry, crazy mess sometimes and looking back now I know they did the best they could dealing with that. My friends loved me and there wasn't a real loyalty issue, because frankly none of them were really friends with my ex husband. They were cordial with him and even waved when he had the boys. They did really exactly what I expected, but there were times when I really needed to just be sad or angry and I noticed my friends really didn't want to deal with that. They didn't want to dig deep with me and find out exactly what the issues were surrounding WHY I got a divorce and maybe they couldn't because they had some of the same issue going on in their own marriages that they were not dealing with either. My friends kind of fell into a few groups. The one's that wanted me to go out and party, forgetting my responsibilities for a little while and just let loose were my Friday-Saturday friends. My work friends that knew I was going through a divorce and helped me by letting me take extra breaks just in case my ex called and told me to hang in there helping me through the days. Lastly, my really close friends that knew there was nothing they could do or say to make things better, but they would just cry with me sometimes and hug me. I can honestly say I really only had one friend that did that. She has been my friend for all of my life practically and we truly have an amazing connection that will never ever go away. I also had my family that I leaned on a great deal, but considering my parents were also going through a divorce at the same time, it was often difficult for them to be supportive. Even with all my support from my friends and family, I felt incredibly alone, sad and tired. I had regret and confusion and host of emotions that nobody really understood. Looking back I think it was difficult for my friends to see me undone. I was someone they looked at as stable, in a good relationship, a good mom, and happy. Looking back, I realize my friends really didn't know me at all. My really close friend, my mother, and a few work friends had know I was having problems with depression and financial issues, but honestly I think they were all pretty shocked when I filed for divorce. After filing, as I began to tell people the hell I had been going through for the last several years, people were shocked. I decided then I wasn't going to lie to myself or my friends about my life anymore. I think, surprisingly, that has shown me who these people I had called friends really were.
I recently had a discussion with some of my friends about divorce. One of my closer friends has filed and I was her maid of honor at her wedding. A situation happened and it was within my definition of physical abuse. To me, this changes the entire divorce. I would have a protective order in place and either end visitation until my spouse undergoes so psychological evaluations, or just end visitation. My friend has decided that because she had an affair the abuse was provoked and therefore excusable. Some of my other friends feel since they had a prior relationship with the abuser that they have a certain amount of loyalty toward him. One thing all of my friends know about me is I have ZERO tolerance for physical abuse in a relationship. I felt they had all gone to great lengths to conceal some of these facts from me and it is difficult for me to be any kind of friend to any of them if they are going to allow this behavior and then lie about it to me. I can't make excuses for abuse. It is what it is. I love my friends, but abuse is not acceptable behavior and allowing it to continue in front of a child is something I can't watch. Looking back, I realize they couldn't watch my divorce because they did not want to deal with any of the issues I was bringing up, but also because they didn't want to deal with anything. They don't want to deal with why they are unhappy which was the root of why I wanted a divorce. I wasn't happy and there was no way within the confines of that marriage I was ever going to be allowed to be myself. I had explored the reasons for my unhappiness and most of them had little to nothing to do with my ex husband. I was unhappy because of me. My friends don't even seem to be unhappy. They can't even acknowledge that it is unacceptable to be hit, pushed or locked in a bedroom and threatened with bodily harm by the people they living with. How do you be a friend to someone who can't even be themselves? Maybe I really don't know my friends either?
I consider myself a good friend. I listen. I don't judge people because I believe everyone can learn to do better, I try to see the good in them and go with that. I know I don't want to live someone else's life and I don't even want to begin to tell them how to live theirs. I offer help when I see a need and I empathize. Even though I can't support some of my friend's decisions, I always let them know I will be there to help them in any way. I hope my friends can see that, but I also know that friendship is a two way street. I learned that if I didn't reach out for help, sometimes people don't realize you need it. Most of all, I am honest and I'm real. I am the kind of friend I would want. It is difficult when you see people you love in difficult situations and they don't want your help, don't want to deal with life, and don't want to stay safe. I guess sometimes you have to look at who your friends really are and decide if they are the kind of friends you need or want. Most of all you have to be your own best friend.
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