Reflecting On My Ah Ha's

Had some breakthroughs over the past year and wanted to jot them down so that I could come back and read them later.  My breakthroughs are mine, things that I needed to work on as a parent and as a person.

1.  Your life is your life and your children's life is their life.  I think as a re-formed overbearing, control freak of a mom sometimes I really feel for my kids and not in a good way.  I feel what I ASSUME they must be feeling, or I used to.  I realized that I don't have to feel for them anymore.  I choose how I feel.  I don't have to rehash my horrible pain from a dysfunctional childhood and re-feel it with my kids every time they are hurt or disappointed in some way.  I have learned to empathize without internalizing the feelings.  For example, if my ex-husband chooses to forget to pick them up, I don't have to feel rejected.  My kids might feel that way, or they might just realize that their Dad only thinks about himself and that guess what, we can walk home.  They might feel like they are perfectly capable of handling a situation AND telling their Dad later how it made them feel with absolutely no actions necessary on my part and no hurt feelings.  The relationship our children have with their father is totally dependent on all their actions and has nothing to do with me.  My ex-husband will either swing and miss or he will connect and get a home run with our kids, but I have learned I'm not a pinch hitter.  Empathy is much easier than internally feeling like HE did this to ME all over again.  The truth is he didn't do anything to me except lie and he has and will keep doing that I'm sure.  He is an untrustworthy selfish person, but this is not news.  The boys know this and have accepted it.  It was time for me to, as much as that hurts me, so I can forgive him and move forward.  He will never think these little lies are important, but I guarantee the boys will and they are going to be much more honest than he ever expected them to be, because they have learned it does make a difference if you promise to be on time and show up late.  It is called integrity.  Once you lose it with your children, you really never get it back.  I know this because my father never had any and my mother, until recently, never understood what it meant because she was always trying to protect me.  My mother is learning that no matter how hard you strive to manipulate a situation and lie to protect, the end does not justify the means.  Integrity is what I have with my children and trust comes from that.  I am honest with them every time, even if I messed up.  I don't blame work.  I don't blame anybody else.  I don't pretend to be there, I am.  If I need time for myself, I just tell them.  My life is not theirs to control just as theirs is not mine to control.  We are all individual people that have our own lives happening every day.  This has freed me from a huge amount of sadness and anger.  I sincerely hope that my ex-husband can at some point gain some integrity with our son's, but that is out of my control and I refuse to spend another second angry at him for his choices and for the mistakes of the past, present or future.

2.  The boys are growing up and you better stop treating them like babies.  :Letting go is so very difficult for me to do.  One reason is I just simply don't want them to grow up. I am having a blast right now with them talking about new discoveries and plans for the weekend.  I want to live in the now and savor all these times.  Of course I know with each year there will be more fun times, but let's face it, how many boys spend more than a couple of hours a week with their mom past age 17?  They will have jobs, girlfriends, cars, college and even if they live at home, I won't see them that much.  I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is to me.  Of course I will have more time to go out to lunch with friends, see movies, write, and do my personal hobbies, but just to come home and help them with homework or memorize their part in the play is so much fun for me.  I am truly going to miss having them around daily.  I dread it in all honesty.  I am excited for them to move forward with their lives, but I catch myself all the time thinking, is that the last time they will do that? My son lost his last baby tooth the other day and I still haven't thrown it away.  Unfortunately, these feelings also keep me from teaching them the necessary things they will need to progress.  So, this year I just have stopped being such a mom and looked at my job more like a teacher.  You want macaroni and cheese?  Ok let's go into the kitchen and I'll help YOU make it.  You have no clean pants, well let me show you this handy dandy thing called a washer/dryer!  You need money for the bake sale at school?  Well I need the lawn mowed, get on it and I'll pay you some money.  I was not doing them any favors by wallowing in my pit of guilt over divorcing their father, nor was I doing them any service by keeping them little a little longer.  Surprisingly, but probably only a surprise to me, they have responded well and have more confidence.  They try new things, voice opinions and have better grades without me always checking to see if they are doing homework.  I have no doubt they will never be the cleanest kids in the dorm, but I do think they will thrive and prosper.  Hopefully I won't sit in my rocking chair and cry my eyes out every week when my boys become men, but they will always be my babies.  Good thing is I don't have to treat them like babies anymore.

3.  I make a difference.  Plain old 40 year old mom of two from the midwest.  I touch so many peoples' lives every day and I make a difference.  I am closest to my children's hearts, loved my many and would be sorely missed if I just disappeared tomorrow.  There is no reason for me to EVER wonder if my kids would be better off without me around, if my friends would miss me, if my family would get along better.  I know deep in my heart that I matter.  I also know in my heart that my positive force matters in this universe.  I matter in a million different ways that may always go unnoticed, but the bottom line is I matter.  I have an inner confidence that can't be broken.  I still doubt my decisions sometimes and wonder if I am making the best choices, but I know I will handle whatever life my throws my way.  I have seen even the weakest people overcome, the smallest things touch a heart, and the power of one word to transform.  I get it now and there is no stopping me.

4.  Growing up is not a lot of fun and this is why it takes people so long to do.  People will avoid growing up as long as humanly possible.  We blame, we hide, we lie and we refuse at times to think and act like an adult.  We want to be selfish children as long as allowed.  Some people are allowed to be selfish children a long long time teaching their children that its okay to be a selfish child, even as a parent.  It's not okay.  All the crappy parents out there, they aren't bad parents.  They aren't parents at all.  They are selfish children that never learned to grow up.  I appeared grown up for a long time.  I got married, graduated college, had two kids, got divorced but never truly grew up.  When I was a stay-at-home mom, I took care of all the children's needs, did all the duties I was expected, and got more resentful of my ex-husband who did not play his part in the game of "house".  I got upset, yelled, screamed for attention, blamed, lied and kept wondering why doesn't anybody love me?  Ever tried to love a two year old?  The only thing that saves most two year olds from being killed is they are really cute.  A thirty-something two year old screaming in your living room throwing the remote at you is not cute.  I went to work, made a living, got in debt by being totally irresponsible with the money I made and blamed it on my ex-husband for doing the same thing.  Was I having fun?  Hell no, because I wanted to be a grown up, but had no idea how to.  Playing house or going to work doesn't make you an adult.  Growing up is being calm even when all hell has broke loose because you know it really isn't going to mean anything next week.  Growing up means accepting responsibility for your choices and actions even if no body else does.  Growing up means being honest period especially with yourself.  Growing up means letting go of a lot of things, people, and opportunities, because things aren't important, people don't always grow up at the same time, and what seems like something you would really like to do may not be the best decision for your children.  Growing up means knowing money and love don't fix nothing!  Communication fixes most things, or at least keeps the door open long enough for love or money to help.  Knowing how to communicate honestly without letting emotions getting in the way is the hardest part of being a grown up.  It is easy to throw a fit, but putting aside your feelings and THINKING about the other person, that is hard.  Growing up is going without, budgeting, sacrifice, teaching, taking the time, thinking of others and knowing you are responsible for your own choices all the time and NOT blaming anyone but yourself.  Growing up is forgiving yourself for making mistakes and forgiving other people for theirs even if it means you forgive and move on.  Being a grown up is asking what can I do first before even thinking about calling anyone else, and then doing it.  Being a grown up is hard work and who ever said hard work was supposed to be fun?  The only consolation is when you get really old, people treat you like a baby again.

5.   Never assume anything.  The biggest obstacle to communication is our assumptions of what the other person is saying.  IF we assume we do not fully hear!!  Assumption is OUR doubt.speaking, or our judgement, but either way there will be no communication until there is no assumption.  I try to start every conversation or confrontation with a clean slate.  It is hard especially with a historical precedent.  Assumptions affect our confidence, our attitude and even our facial expressions.  Don't judge a book by it's cover is so true, but we should never assume anything before investigating, asking questions, listening and learning.  Don't assume, listen.

6.  Aspire to be yourself.  Did you ever try to have a three course holiday dinner for your in-laws with perfect china, a pristine clean house down to the baseboards and a Christmas setting in every room complete with theme music playing on the house surround system?  Yes, I did and that Christmas will live in infamy as the Christmas I became Martha Stewart on crack and guess what?  Nobody appreciated my effort and even criticized me for making separate dishes for the kids.  Like I was a bad mom for thinking they might like home-made mac-n-cheese instead of roasted Cornish hens?  I love Martha Steward, she is my hero.  She isn't however, me.  I can cook, but not clean up after.  It stresses me to the max to have more than five people in my house at one time.  I was trying to impress my in-laws that were un-impressible and only succeeded in ruining my Christmas.  My only small victory was that was the one and only time my ex-husband defended me in front of his mother when she blamed me for not making his favorite dish, ham loaf.  I have tried to be many things over the years, but always trying to be what other people expect you to be never gets you anywhere, but miserable.  There is really nothing wrong with making chili for Christmas dinner.  I make chili really well and it is my recipe.  I am not a Victoria Secret model, but I do like pretty panties and bras.  Do I have to be six feet tall with long legs to look good in lacy underwear?  No, I like them and I deserve to wear things I like whether or not I'm a size 6 or 16.  I enjoy going to the salon.  Does that make me shallow because I don't want to look my age?  Probably, but damn it's who I am.  Haircolor, nail polish, and a facial make me feel good.  I'm not trying to be twenty again, I really love going to the salon and talking to my friends.  I don't have to be a super model or a super mom!  I can just be me and that is pretty damn good.  I love who I am and if I don't some days, I'm not gonna cry about it much.  I will change it and that will be okay too.  I am going to be myself from now on and be pretty proud of it.

Anyway, those are just some of the things that have been rattling around in the old noggin as this year rapidly comes to an end.  Funny how the holidays bring on bouts of reflection.  Must be the Dickens in me!

Pets Don't Live Long Enough

I really have no need to get married again.  Not exactly what a person looking for a long term relationship wants to hear.  I'm in a good place financially.  My credit score is pretty good.  My tax return is looking promising.  I am done having kids.  I really don't want to change my name.  I could give you a million different reasons NOT to get married, but it really only comes down to one reason.  I don't want to.  I'm afraid.  I failed.  Yes, it took two people, but my marriage was a complete failure.  I was a good wife and I loved my husband for most of my marriage until it became painfully clear NOTHING I did or was going to do would ever matter to my husband or change our relationship.  I am successfully co-parenting with my ex-husband, but I would never want to return to that relationship.  I do want a life partner.

I want to have a relationship.  Why? (Insert my mother's voice here)  I do believe I would be just fine if I spent the rest of my life doing my hobbies, going to my children's and/or grandchildren's activities and traveling, but I want to hold hands with someone I love.  I want love!  I deserve it just as much as any other human being.  Yes I have friends and family that love me, but I want physical intimacy, as well as emotional. A friend recently suggested to me via Facebook that maybe women are soul mates and men are just friends to have fun with.  Sadly, I just have quit believing in the notion of a soul mate.  I can't however stop thinking that being a partner has to be an attainable goal.  How difficult is it for another human being to be my partner?

It turns out it is pretty damned difficult.  Why?  Apparently, because I am fiercely independent, do not trust easily, afraid of rejection, give too much, and have boundary issues.  I also really don't like confrontation, have a crazy ass family, and two wonderful kids that I don't need any help parenting.  How do you find a partner with the patience and skills to navigate that baggage that doesn't have kids?  Yes, I'm also not agreeing to parent anyone else's children, not because I hate other people's kids, but because I don't want to take time away from my kids that have been through enough already.  Do I even have the right to ask this of another person?  Am I selfish too?  Maybe a little, but maybe not.  Why can't I ask for what I want in a relationship without feeling like I'm asking for too much?  Is a partner too much to ask for?  Isn't there a yen to my yangs?  

I have tried in my current relationship to "not sweat the small stuff".  Like the fact that the toilet paper is always sitting on the counter and never on the roll, or that he can have all day off and when I get home from work there are dishes still in the sink, and even the fact that he gets into bed every night with the covers hopelessly balled up underneath him waiting for me to come spread them out and tuck him in like a two year old.  All these things, while small, get on my nerves.  I tell myself, I can handle these things and they are "part of his personality".  It is the huge issues like not having his half of the bills repeatedly and telling me he will pick up the children and then failing to do so that has me perplexed.  Partners don't lie.  Partners ask if there are things they can do to help and then do them!  I am in yet another relationship that is vastly one-sided.  The physical intimacy is there, but the emotional erosion has started.  I have no doubt I am in love and this relationship has potential, but a marriage certificate doesn't fix any problems.  I feel like the small issues can be worked on, but the huge issues shouldn't even be there!  I'm sure I talk to much when he is studying and I am too needy sometimes, but I have never told him I would give his mother a ride and then blown him off for something I wanted to do.  In fact I have went above and beyond to make sure he knows things in his life that are priorities are mine also.  Everyone has issues that keep them from always being good partners, but how long do you give someone to get in the game?

I guess the bottom line is I want a partner that loves me enough to value my life whatever may be happening in it.  I want a partner that thinks love is a verb not just a word to say to get me to smile or forgive.  I want a partner to love for life so I can walk in the Scottish Highlands with someone, dance in my bedroom to Sinatra, and pets just don't live long enough.

Lucy, I'm Home...

I have come to a conclusion about my life after my divorce.  It is normal.  It is a daily routine that can be boring, fun, simple, relaxing, and just plain normal.  Work, kids, soccer, making dinner, grocery shopping, decorating for the holidays and just living life wonderfully normal.  Now that we are moved in and all the boxes are unpacked, I am just so content.  I can't even express to people how complete I feel.  Part of it is this grand accomplishment of buying my own home, but there is something deeper that has happened in my life.  I think for the first time in my life I am living honestly.  I do the things that I enjoy and appreciate normal.  There is no drama because I don't allow it or create it.

Anger is not a regular part of my daily routine.  Yes, I do get angry, but it doesn't happen daily.  I seem to have this calm center that I've never quite tapped until now.  I also still worry, but now it is more like running into a cobweb.  I acknowledge it and wipe it away vowing to clean a little better the next time, to prepare.  I'm in a good place mentally and literally.  My children are doing well and this feels like exactly where I was trying to be all those years ago.  I'm home.  I can finally say that I want to be here.  I do have a wandering spirit and the call of distant horizons will always be attractive to me in some fashion, but I really have a strong sense every time I pull into my driveway that I'm coming home.  Entering that peaceful zone that no one and nothing can touch.

Although I do think having  my own home is a huge part of this feeling, I know that the only constant in life is change and in a few years I will have to make some choices that may take me away from this house.  I'm not afraid of those changes, rather I think I can embrace them now.  I feel like I can take this feeling with me even if everything changes.  I know it is inevitable that my kids are growing up and getting prepared for a life that is their own.  We have and will always have a connection that will hold us together over any distance, but their lives may take them on a journey that is different from my own and I will celebrate that path with no fear because they are prepared.  I am prepared for the rest of my journey.  I have a confidence in myself that I really am living my life.

Is it the life I pictured when I was a teenager?  No, it is very different from the life I imagined as a child.  With no fear or limitations, I imagined myself a marine biologist.  I was swimming with dolphins and really tan.  I traveled the globe and made important discoveries.  However, I can read articles and watch shark week to keep my interest in that alive today.  I have two boys that are sponges when it comes to information and love to investigate my ideas with me about marine biology or just the reality of global warming and how that affects us.  I may not be a marine biologist, but I can inspire my kids with a love of nature and fill their minds with questions.  I can give them a confidence to go forth and learn or do anything, and not because I'm there for them, but because they can.  They don't need me there.  They are prepared for anything and can handle life.  I'm so proud they have confidence in themselves.  I hope the life they are picturing now is the life they live.  It is exciting for me to watch them grow now that I'm not afraid for them all the time.  They will become adults solely dependent on themselves and this is a great and wonderful thing for them to accomplish!!  I'm really really glad it is more than a few years away, but I am very glad I have the confidence to let it happen now.  Responsibilities I have now as a parent do put some limitations on my life, but being a parent is far better than swimming with dolphins.  I will encourage them to become adults before starting down a path that limits any opportunities for them, but only because it is easier to swim with dolphins when you are only paying for one plane ticket.  No this isn't the life I pictured when I was a teenager, but it is my life and I love it.

There are changes and things I still want to accomplish in my life, but this feeling of being home and being centered will always be something I want to keep constant.  It is such a wonderful feeling!  The best part about it is I can take it anywhere I need to.  I am home.