Border Patrol

I have a very hard time with personal boundaries.  As I increase in age, it becomes easier to identify that uneasy feeling that comes when my ex-husband, his new wife, or friends are dancing along a boundary line, but it is very difficult to maintain an atmosphere of peace when standing guard over what you feel is acceptable.  I have certain boundaries and rules that I understand not everyone has, but I know I deserve enough respect as a parent, friend or partner that even though people don't share my particular view, they can communicate their feelings and we can work out a compromise.  Communication seems to be the central most element in maintaining and establishing boundaries.  Fear is the absolute destruction of communication.  If you are afraid to communicate what your feelings, boundaries, rules, expectations are then you are also afraid to solve any issues that might arise during the process of communicating.  Although anger or apathy is usually what I seem to deal with, behind the anger and the apathy is fear. Anger is just and expression of the fear that your needs are not going to be met.  Apathy is giving up caring about yourself or others. People in my life that don't respect my boundaries are often afraid that I am rejecting them in some way.  They argue, they refuse to communicate, they threaten and they are all trying to win.  What they don't understand is that my boundaries are not a game.  There are no winners or losers.  Those boundaries are for my emotional health and my preservation.  I am only trying to communicate my needs.  Setting boundaries allow my children and I to maintain peace and order in our lives.  They allow us to understand each other and how we are connected.  Boundaries and rules teach my children trust in me.  They teach other people how to treat me and what I expect from their behavior.

One huge example of this is scheduling.  My ex-husband and I fought our entire relationship with scheduling. His life was devoid of a schedule outside of him getting to work at a certain time.  I was never guaranteed he would be home at a certain time, nor that he would communicate with me regarding his schedule.  In the beginning of our marriage this wasn't a huge deal.  It allowed me unlimited freedom on the upside, because he never expected me to communicate where or when I would be home.  However, as time went on and kids came along it became a huge issue.  Baby's are on feeding schedules and toddlers need routine to help them sleep through the night.  I needed to know if he was going to be available to co-parent.  When I returned to the work force I was juggling four schedules with no communication and it fostered a huge resentment on both our parts when I would "dump" the kids on him as soon as he returned.  My ex-husband used to say things like, "You didn't tell me you needed me to watch the kids."  I highly resented that he viewed "watching" the kids as optional.  Fathers don't watch their own kids, they parent them 24/7 even if they are working.  This is something my ex-husband has never understood.  Still now divorced almost 4 years later he is a babysitter.  He has difficulty returning the children on time and has difficulty communicating his reasons other than he just forgot or he didn't think it was THAT important.  Well that is why we are divorced and I try to remain a little more flexible when he is involved.  I realize that he is re-married and this new family doesn't have the same schedule or expectations, but I still struggle with his lack of respect of my family's.  It has destroyed a great deal of trust in our relationship.  It has also destroyed his children's trust in him.  Broken promises, missed pick up times, and unanswered questions do not make a person trust you.

I once told my friend, "It isn't your responsibility to make your family happy, but it is your responsibility to communicate your feelings and try to understand theirs."  I personally can't dole out a happy pill and make everyone's problems disappear.  I can try to communicate without fear of rejection what my rules, boundaries, and expectations are.  What good does it do to have a bunch of happy people in your life when you are miserable?  Do those people really care about you if they refuse to communicate?  I didn't get married to become a martyr and sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of all others.  I wanted to share my happiness with other people that were similarly inclined to share theirs.  I mistakenly married someone who had different expectations and views on what being happy was.  My ex-husband tells me he is happier than he has been in a long time.  I hope this is truly how he feels.  I always wanted him to be happy.  I look at his chaotic life with five step-kids and his two children and know that I would never be happy with that situation, but I'm truly wishing him the very best.  I realize his views are always going to be very different from mine, but I can't help being irritated when he fails to recognize it.  If we both understand we have different lifestyles (which we have discussed at length and I believe we do have an understanding) then why is it so difficult for he him to communicate?  Very simply, he has no respect for or trust in me.

It is rather a catch 22.  I let him down.  By allowing him to cross those boundaries in our marriage and ultimately destroying the trust and respect we had for each other, I set this ball in motion.  I tried the entire marital relationship to compromise, to give, to change for him and ended up exhausted, tired and didn't even recognize the person I became.  He said many times he wished I was just like I had been when we were first married.  I don't have a clue what he is asking.  I have come a long way and I am a better mother, friend and ex-wife than I ever was when I was his wife.  We don't argue a lot, but we aren't hateful about it anymore.  I have established a very definite boundary that I refuse to fight with him.  If we can't communicate then we stop talking until we can.  Both of us know we have two wonderful boys that deserve two parents that can work together period.  I regret that he feels like he can't trust me, but I can only change my actions, not his mind.  I can't respect someone that is not honest and I don't expect him to and that is why I deal with him honestly even if I know it will start and argument.  Relationships can survive arguments if there is a solution.  Relationships will never survive lies and apologies go a long way to repairing mis-communication.

Rules, schedules, boundaries are all no fun.  They are responsible, adult things.  They are control and cold feeling sometimes like rigid uncompromising bandits that steal all your time.  There are times when you just need to throw them out the window and do what feels right.  I've tried to explain rules to my children as guidelines.  I realize that I can get caught up in the schedule and forget to just let life happen sometimes.  It is a fact of life that we all have limits.  I'm trying to balance and communicate my needs and the needs of all those I love.  That is respect.  Communication is trusting that we can all come to a solution eventually.  Love, trust, respect, communication, balance are what make me happy.  They don't happen overnight, but fear isn't going to keep me from being truly happy or proud of the honest, respectful, loving person I am.

Are You My Mother?

I loved reading my children the story by Dr. Seuss, "Are You My Mother?".  They would read the question part.  They would also ask me in their little bird voices and I would say, "You know I'm your Momma!".  Apparently, so does everyone else.

What is a good mother?  The ability to love unconditionally and to nurture?  What makes a person a good mother?  This question has really been on my mind lately as I seem to always end up being a "mother" to everyone, including sometimes my own Mom.  I have this mode, the fix it, take care of you, make you feel better, take all your cares, clean up your messes, gloss over your faults, mode. People I deal with at work instantly connect to me and tell me about their history.  Clients tell me all about their son's crazy wife or the trouble they have with their spouse.  Grocery clerks, people waiting in line at the tag office, everyone everywhere seems to just know that I will care.  I will listen to them and if I can, try to help. I get a good feeling from this mode or I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't fix it.  Sometimes I can't take care of anybody, including myself, because I'm utterly exhausted and depressed.  Sometimes I just want to run away and never be anybody's Mom again.  Sometimes I go to far and take care of things that were never my responsibility to fix.  Sometimes I resent the hell out of people I love for abusing my kindness.  It is difficult to have personal boundaries when you are a Mom.  I want everyone to be happy.  I don't want to see my children unhappy, but there is the crux.  All children are unhappy sometimes.  We all are.  That is life.  Life is happy, sad, messed up, perfect, confusing, boring, exciting and always changing!  What I really want is to control my life, but I can't and it doesn't make me a good Mother by trying.  I can't control anyone's life, only my behavior.  Wanting to control everything makes me a fearful Mother, a doubting in my child's ability to handle their life kind of Mother.  It makes me my Mother about 40 years ago.  I want to be good Mother, not a control freak.  So I step back, regroup, look at what is really bothering me, listen to what my children are telling me is bothering them, and then if action is required I take it.  If it is something they just needed me to listen to, then mission accomplished.  If my friends seek me out to tell me their issues and commiserate on their latest attempts to get a life, I really don't even have to listen.  I will, because I have a tough time being rude, but I don't HAVE to.  I have been doing this a bunch lately with all my relationships.  I don't think as Mom's we understand the emotional toll it takes on us when we don't be ourselves and get trapped in Mommy Mode.  A good mother knows when to separate her responsibility from her child's.  A good mother knows how to let go and make you feel good.

What is it that makes people see you as a good Mom?  Is it my ability to listen?  Is it my ability to empathize?  Do we all just really want someone to try and fix it?  I think so.  I think we all want that cup of soup, hand on our back while we puke, soft voice as we fall asleep, hug so tight we feel like we are gonna pop feeling.  You never love or hate anybody quite like your own Mother, except maybe your Step-Mother.  I have had a couple Step-Mothers in my childhood and they were the most loving, caring and patient people.  I was very lucky.  I think they had to be to want to marry the train wreck of a biological father I had, but they had something in common with me.  They were fixers.  They were optimistic about their ability to love.  They were most likely co-dependents.  In the end they were sad, depressed, used up and alone.  I never saw them again.  I was extremely angry at my Father for that.  Later my Mother told me that she talked to both my Father's ex-wives and that they were extremely emotionally connected with me and felt horrible loss and pain at the prospect of leaving him and what it would do to me.  My Mother assured them I would be fine and I was, but it hurt.  I hope my own children don't see the men in their lives as disposable.  Even at age ten I knew anybody in my Father's life was going to be temporary.  He was a temporary kind of guy, but it is hard to spend a year with a Step-Mother type person in your life and not become attached.  It is also hard to grow up in a temporary environment, a scary environment with a scared Mother and not long to get some control over your little life.

I have also been reading a great deal about Spoused Children.  From what I can tell, this happens when a parent gets divorced and makes their child into their spouse, confidant, friend, buddy, etc.  The parent leans on the child for emotional support like they would a spouse.They foster a "we're partners" kind of attitude.  While reading several parenting books,  I travel back and remember all the loving stories that my Mother tells about how it was just her and I living in this duplex or that apartment.  I don't actually recall most of that time in my life as I was only three, possibly four years old, but she does and paints a picture of the strongest bond between us.  To this day, she has described it as, "You and me against the world."  I am 41 and she is 58 and I still know her better than my now Ex-Step Father.  Half the time I think I know her better than she does.   I love sometimes that we are close, but other times it feels like the tie that binds is wrapped around my neck!  I do recall as a child feeling extreme resentment at her for pushing me over for my new Step-Father, but the same time it was nice not having to worry about money and moving to a new house with my own room.  The parenting books say that often a child can be un-spoused if a parent is aware they have fallen into this pit.  Let me just say that my Mother and I fell in the pit, she threw me a raft and then periodically swam out to wallow in the pit our disfuction.  My Mother and I have always been extremely close and skated in and out of the Mother/Daughter/Friend dynamic.  I knew most of what was going on in my Mom's life at all times and I certainly knew more than what was healthy for me.  Having boys it is still a huge task for me to keep a close mother/son relationship, and not spouse them.  I like to think that because I never lean on people in general, it has been easier for me to avoid spousing my children.  I guess there is one up side to not trusting anybody.  Now they are older and ask a lot of personal questions, it is more difficult.  The boys want to know how I handle my relationships, especially with the adults in their lives.   I find if I question more than talk and really listen, usually they are just searching for better ways to handle their relationships and truly don't need personal details about me.  I have always told them I can't be everywhere and everything, I'm just your Mom.  I make mistakes just like everybody else and they are perfectly capable of screwing up their own lives.   They don't need me to do it for them   I do believe that it is impossible to respect your parents if they are constantly looking to you (a child) for comfort, advise and acceptance.  Those things all come from within.  The only thing a child wants is love, not the weight of the world an adult carries around.  Our children don't want to be our friends, they want us to be Moms and Dads and model confidence that comes with working out our problems for ourselves.  Our children want to be themselves and feel safe to do so.

In reverse, I want to feel like my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, etc. don't need me to be their mother.  I expect people to be adults.  Possibly this expectation is my biggest mistake of all, but I also see my behavior allowing them to "Motherize" me.  We all have those people we run to when snot is running down our face and we just need to wipe it on them with no fear of being pushed back.  I let people wipe snot on me when I can see they are in pain.  I honestly don't have it in me sometimes to tell the clerk at the store, "You know what, maybe if you didn't look like a crack whore and work at a huge chain store and have five kids from different dads your life wouldn't suck ass."  I can say it to myself and be thankful that I have more sense and have made better choices, but I also get that this is a human being and she is hurting right in front of me and I have to care.  I have to.  I might even have to hug her, but at the very least I have to wish her a better day and an easier shift.  What I don't have to do is take responsibility for her.  I don't have to clean up after adults, or keep cleaning up my teenager's room, or keep giving my fiance a free pass on his share of the chores.  If I do choose to then I know it is more about control and fear than love.  A good mother doesn't take your responsibility away from you, she loves you in spite of your failure to see the consequences and respects herself enough to let you face them.  She trusts you to fix it, to look for answers, to grow and change.  She knows that no matter what there will always be love.

I guess what makes a good Mother, Father, or parent is providing a safe place for a child to develop, modeling good adult behaviors, accepting everyone makes mistakes, things change, and whether times are good or bad you will always be loved.  I always thought that it was so cruel that mother birds sometimes pushed their babies out of a nest, but if they never leave the nest they will never know what it's like to really fly.  Looking back I know my parents made their share of mistakes and I have made some along my journey, but my son put it best when he said, "My Mom is closest to my heart."  As long as I'm there, I'm good.  You know I'm your Momma!