I have come to a conclusion about my life after my divorce. It is normal. It is a daily routine that can be boring, fun, simple, relaxing, and just plain normal. Work, kids, soccer, making dinner, grocery shopping, decorating for the holidays and just living life wonderfully normal. Now that we are moved in and all the boxes are unpacked, I am just so content. I can't even express to people how complete I feel. Part of it is this grand accomplishment of buying my own home, but there is something deeper that has happened in my life. I think for the first time in my life I am living honestly. I do the things that I enjoy and appreciate normal. There is no drama because I don't allow it or create it.
Anger is not a regular part of my daily routine. Yes, I do get angry, but it doesn't happen daily. I seem to have this calm center that I've never quite tapped until now. I also still worry, but now it is more like running into a cobweb. I acknowledge it and wipe it away vowing to clean a little better the next time, to prepare. I'm in a good place mentally and literally. My children are doing well and this feels like exactly where I was trying to be all those years ago. I'm home. I can finally say that I want to be here. I do have a wandering spirit and the call of distant horizons will always be attractive to me in some fashion, but I really have a strong sense every time I pull into my driveway that I'm coming home. Entering that peaceful zone that no one and nothing can touch.
Although I do think having my own home is a huge part of this feeling, I know that the only constant in life is change and in a few years I will have to make some choices that may take me away from this house. I'm not afraid of those changes, rather I think I can embrace them now. I feel like I can take this feeling with me even if everything changes. I know it is inevitable that my kids are growing up and getting prepared for a life that is their own. We have and will always have a connection that will hold us together over any distance, but their lives may take them on a journey that is different from my own and I will celebrate that path with no fear because they are prepared. I am prepared for the rest of my journey. I have a confidence in myself that I really am living my life.
Is it the life I pictured when I was a teenager? No, it is very different from the life I imagined as a child. With no fear or limitations, I imagined myself a marine biologist. I was swimming with dolphins and really tan. I traveled the globe and made important discoveries. However, I can read articles and watch shark week to keep my interest in that alive today. I have two boys that are sponges when it comes to information and love to investigate my ideas with me about marine biology or just the reality of global warming and how that affects us. I may not be a marine biologist, but I can inspire my kids with a love of nature and fill their minds with questions. I can give them a confidence to go forth and learn or do anything, and not because I'm there for them, but because they can. They don't need me there. They are prepared for anything and can handle life. I'm so proud they have confidence in themselves. I hope the life they are picturing now is the life they live. It is exciting for me to watch them grow now that I'm not afraid for them all the time. They will become adults solely dependent on themselves and this is a great and wonderful thing for them to accomplish!! I'm really really glad it is more than a few years away, but I am very glad I have the confidence to let it happen now. Responsibilities I have now as a parent do put some limitations on my life, but being a parent is far better than swimming with dolphins. I will encourage them to become adults before starting down a path that limits any opportunities for them, but only because it is easier to swim with dolphins when you are only paying for one plane ticket. No this isn't the life I pictured when I was a teenager, but it is my life and I love it.
There are changes and things I still want to accomplish in my life, but this feeling of being home and being centered will always be something I want to keep constant. It is such a wonderful feeling! The best part about it is I can take it anywhere I need to. I am home.
That right, Crissy. Don’t be afraid of life changes. Instead, be open and face each change with a smile on your face. Where you are now is entirely the result of your decisions. Nobody’s perfect and you may have made some mistakes, but don’t worry because there’s always another day to make things right. Just be sure to take all the lessons with you and use them to improve yourself and your life as well.
ReplyDelete-Janay Stiles