Well another holiday that falls on a weekend I don't have my boys has come and gone. I can't help feeling that even though I spent the holiday with friends and received a phone call from my boys, holidays have lost their charm. Part of this problems is my own expectation of what a holiday should be like and I keep reminding myself it is what you make of it. I still was greeted on Sunday evening with a bouquet of paper flowers and a wonderful card, but I also got two down faced, butchered haired, tired little men. It seems preparing for an upcoming event at their father's required a hair cut from the Boy Butcher. I have told his father several times that FREE HAIRCUTS are not always a good thing, but he continues to let one of his new step-daughters hack away at their self-esteem. My youngest son did not want to go to school this morning because of the fantastic job she did. My oldest claims she is a "beauty school drop-out". Regardless, they both went to school after some gel and water, but I can't help feeling let down.
Is this what I have to look forward to for every holiday? My ex-husband has stayed fairly flexible and we usually get equal time, but it seems my time is clouded by the unfortunate incidents that occur on his time. I know there is no way to control what happens at his residence and I need to just focus on the positive when they are with me, but this is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. My ex-husband, who thought the haircuts warranted an apology, did text me to ask if the boys were upset and I assured him that yes they were. He responds, "It's just hair. It'll grow back." I keep telling myself he is right, but I know that doesn't matter to the boys. It isn't just hair to them, it is their hair and they have every right to want it to look like THEY want it to look. We unfortunately have a couple of kids that want to do the "skater" look, while their dad wants carbon copies of himself. He thinks anything longer than a crew cut is a "hippie" or scraggly looking. I have tried to compromise with an in between style and was fairly successful until this weekend when the new Step-Mom having her own agenda stepped in and basically said its hair cutting time. I hope she is happy with her "family" picture now.
I know these are speed bumps in the road of life and five years from now this hair cut will be a bad picture stuck in an album somewhere, but I just can't help thinking if that is the case, then why make your children go through it? Why is it so important to disregard one person's feelings over another? Why can't he just see life from his children's perspective? I know the boys had a bad weekend, they called me twice asking to come home. I'm standing firmly beside their Dad that if it is his weekend they can't play both sides and come home with they aren't having fun, but they never ask me if they can go to his house. In fact, the weeks I have them for the entire weekend we don't hear from their Dad at all. Why can't he just back off a little on blending them into his new family and look at what they want?
As far as holidays go, I've decided they are subject to be rescheduled at a more convenient time. As far as the boys are concerned, most of the time they don't know what day Christmas falls on or what day Father's Day is so why not just pick the day we want and celebrate then. I refuse to let him rob me of my holiday spirit, even if he persists in his charade. It may not be a Norman Rockwell picture perfect day, but that isn't important. What is important is that I'm together with my kids and we are joyful.
As they came up the stairs Sunday night with their paper bouquets and sad little faces, my eyes could hardly contain the love I felt for them. I gushed over my card and then waited for the inevitable explosion of hurt feelings and resentment. My oldest had also "lost" his cell phone over the weekend. Took his Dad five minutes to recover it and then all was right with the world. As they settled in for bed, I hugged and kissed both of them and gave them the assurance that their hair didn't look that bad. Then I went to bed and cried wondering why it was my life was so irritating sometimes. Then I recovered and taped my card on my cabinet by my coffee pot to remind me in the morning how much joy I really had in my life.
Holidays, weddings, vacations, graduations are seldom perfect or seldom live up to our perfect expectations much like the people that attend them. I guess that is the lesson I'm supposed to learn here. I need to let go of my expectations before I pass on all of my dissatisfaction to my children. Instead of being blue because I didn't get the attention I craved on Mother's Day, I need to move on and pick another day like the next weekend that is mine and celebrate it then. I never want my children to be disappointed that I wasn't happy to see them even if they weren't in the best mood or because I was expecting something different from them. I just want them to be glad to be home, trust me enough to unload their baggage and celebrate the fact we are all together again. Hopefully the next holiday will be an unexpected joy and their hair grows as fast as possible!
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