Investment

For the first time in my adult life, I am debt free.  I don't own a home.  I don't have any credit card debt.  I don't have a car payment.  It has taken me about five years to accomplish this life goal and I find myself, after struggling financially for almost ten years, in a good place.  I have a decent job, a nice rental and I am comfortable.  However, my vehicle has about 238,000 miles on it, I would like to move closer to my children's school and I have two boys that are quickly becoming teenagers.  So I ask myself, what is that comfort worth to you?  I have even managed to same some money from my tax return!!  I feel I'm at a crossroads in my life.  I would like to invest my money in something that will benefit my family, but I also want to go on vacation, get a new car, move, increase my retirement fund, start a college fund, get a new computer, and go to a spa.  It appears in denying myself for three years of the creature comforts I used to indulge in on a regular basis to accumulate that debt, I now don't know what to spend my money at all?  Often when I reach one of these dilemmas, it is my life trying to illustrate some lesson.

Making good quality decisions is hard for me.  I am one of those people who can do a pro/con list, talk to a financial adviser, a tax professional, my family, my friends and still have no idea what the right decision is.  I am a recovering control freak.  Making decisions is very easy when you don't have to examine the consequences and when you think you run the universe.  After you find out you don't and there are consequences, suddenly making decisions affects everyone and no one is quite as supportive as they had been with an outcome that was more favorable to them.  So, I started a joy list.  These are some things that bring me joy:

1.  My children and the love of my life, Jason.
2.  Me - Healthy, Happy and Peaceful me.
3. Writing
4. Reading
5. Travel.
6.  Sleep - Yes I am that boring!
7. Gardening
8.  Cooking.
9.  Organizing - I know its weird, but I have a complete sense of joy when my habitat has a place for everything.  Damn that Martha Stewart!  Did I mention I was a recovering control freak?
10.  Friends

The list goes on and on, but I really think these top ten should always guide my decision making process.  However, it hasn't made the process easier.  For example, if I were to purchase a new laptop for my writing and for the kids to use, it would satisfy a few of these criteria, but also take away from the time I spend on the other things on my list.  If I bought a new car to help me with all the things on my list, I might feel like I had stress from the car payment, but if I don't my car might break down when we are on vacation.  Plus, I hate car shopping like I hate going to the dentist!  How does a person make decisions and just be okay with what they have decided?

I would love to move and buy a home that is mine.  I want to plant a flower garden again and mow the yard. I want to store the Christmas decorations in our basement and celebrate the holidays by filling our home with garland and a beautiful tree.  I want the boys to ride their bikes home from school.  I want to cook in my own kitchen and have enough room for a king size bed in my bedroom!!  I want to paint again and stencil in my kids' bedrooms.  However, I can't seem to decide on a house that has enough room and one that will allow me enough of a comfort zone in my budget to not stress.  I need to go get a physical and go to the dentist.  What do I do?  How do I know for sure I'm making the best decisions?

I guess the answer is just save my money.  It feels good to have a cushion.  I am looking at houses, but much to my agent's frustration, I haven't found one that makes me so excited that I want to go into debt right now.  I hate my old clunker, but evidently not enough to drive it down to a dealership and see about trading it in.  My wants and my needs are clearly separate at this point in my life and it feels good.  I need to feel secure that no creditors are going to garnish my paychecks.  I need to know that if I have to have surgery, I can make payments or afford a hospital stay.  I need to just sit back and enjoy the fact that the cabinets are full of groceries and I can take my family out to eat on the weekends if the mood strikes.  I think I need to just relax more than anything.  It is very difficult for me to relax, maintain a calm.  Recently, I have signed up for a meditation class.  It isn't easy for me to clear my mind.  When I shut my eyes I see clicks of pictures like one of those old viewers I had when I was a kid with the round disks.  Click! Laundry, click, work, click calendar, click kids, click, grocery list, click etc. etc. etc.  This goes on for a while until I systematically start deleting images making the list shorter and shorter.  Sometimes, I never get them all deleted and new ones pop in.  It's very frustrating.  I don't know if I'll ever have a time when I'm done deleting and can just breathe and focus, but I'm trying.  I try to meditate an hour a day if possible.  I'm also trying to walk for 30 minutes a day.  You'll notice exercise was not on my joy list.  I have started eating less processed foods.  I figured if I'm not cooking, a grab and go veggie tray or fruit would be better than microwave burritos.  I really think investing in myself is the answer to how to celebrate my new debt freedom.  I also invested in my friends like my hairstylist.  I paid her in advance for the summer's cuts and colors and I paid the sitter for the entire summer of daycare up front and it felt great!  I love not having to check my account balance constantly and worry about how much gas I have left for the week.  So, I'm making an investment in me and giving myself the time to relax and just not make a decision right now.  I'm sure soon enough I'll have to spend the rest of the money on something I didn't intend it for, but at least I can take comfort in the fact that I had it there for my needs and I'm getting a facial this weekend!