Ripple Effect

I'm sure those of you going through a divorce have seen the ripple effect your divorce has had on other people in your life.  For my own experience, it touched my immediate family in ways I never predicted.  My parents divorced three months after my own divorce.  While the end of my eleven year marriage was a blow, the end of my parent's marriage of thirty-two years has almost been more difficult to deal with.  I realize my parents are adults who make their own choices, but honestly you would have to know my mother.  She is one of those mom's that started at 17, has been "taken care of" her whole life and never really grew up.  She is always searching for her happiness, always looking for the next cause to champion.  She looks great from a distance but close up she is a hot mess.  She looked at my divorce as an awakening and began to question her own decisions and came to the conclusion divorce was the best choice for her also.  Then completely took advantage of my weakened state and convinced me to buy a house with her.  She went from living with her husband to living with me.  I was in a very low place right after my divorce.  I was vulnerable and depressed.  I desperately needed a place to live that my children could be closer to me and was having no luck finding something I could afford.  Then in she swoops with her idea that we could buy a house together.  I resisted at first, but as her begging increased and my situation deteriorated, I caved and signed on the dotted line knowing full well I would live to regret it.  Long story short it was a complete disaster and she is now left with a huge mortgage payment and blames me.  My step-dad also blames me for the divorce.  He feels I influenced my mother and then helped her buy a house.  In reality I was afraid she was going to have a nervous breakdown and was trying desperately to talk her into a home with separate entrances so we could live together separately, but she became sold on a pool and bought way out of our price range.  A year later when she imposed several house "rules" I did not agree with I moved out and convinced her to refinance for a lower mortgage rate and lower payment taking my name off the mortgage.  Now she is jobless, renting out the pool house, and living with her mother.  I found a good job, have an affordable apartment, but still have to commute to where the boys attend school every day.  

Three years after my divorce, I finally feel like I am gaining ground.  I am in a new relationship that is healthy, I have primary residential custody of my kids and they are succeeding in school.  I am almost debt free and I feel I have learned quite a bit about myself and being a responsible parent.  I guess that is why I am so angry at my parents at this point.  My step-dad (who has always been my dad to me since my mother married him when I was three) hasn't spoken to me except in passing at family events in three years.  I say he blames me for their divorce because when he fired me from our family business that I had worked at for over 11 years that is the reason he gave my mother.  He couldn't legally fire her with the divorce settlement, but he could fire me.  Thus the desperate situation discussed in the above paragraph which left me with no income.  That was another ripple I hadn't expected, but I am thankful to no longer be in the day to day drama they created.

I just can't quite understand how they can at their age be so immature and selfish.  I know they don't think they are being selfish.  My mother insists she wants to make sure we can all survive without her.  She thinks my sister, brother and I all depend on her every second of the day.  She feels like her mother who is 80 and almost home bound depends on her too much even though she has 7 other siblings she could delegate to.  She constantly had a "nervous breakdown" because she is overloaded, but never seems to have any trouble going out drinking every weekend with friends of mine 1/2 her age and making a complete ass of herself.  I have borrowed money from her for the kids welfare and attempted so many times to pay her back which sometimes she accepts, but mostly refuses.  When I ask her to help me with daycare it is always during the week and maybe a couple of hours at the most and I have always given her the option to refuse if she is busy.  She replies she feels she can't refuse and I have told her to stop being a martyr and be honest.  THAT is what I believe is the root of all my issues.  The two people I depended on to model mature adult behavior can't be honest EVER!!!  My biological father (who I haven't spoken to in 20 years) was a perpetual child and lied anytime he felt it necessary.  How in the hell am I supposed to trust anyone I come into contact with when the people I have attempted to trust my entire life are the biggest liars of all?  As an adult I know they are not purposeful in their dishonest behavior and I can look at their family situations and see where all this dishonesty stems from, but I can't quite seem to adjust my life to keep from being hurt by them.  My parents continually hurt me emotionally.  I have been to a therapist and she has given me advice and coping skills, but also agreed they are being abusive.

 When I first began counseling after my divorce, I thought that everything was stemming from my anger management issues.  This was a huge issue throughout our marriage.  I was angry alot!!  I began to question why was I so angry.  What was I angry about?  Who was I angry at?  One of my first conclusions was myself.  I had settled in my marriage.  I was 27 years old, my friends were all married, and I had a huge biological clock ticking inside of me like Big Ben!  I wasn't happy with my job and I had quit school just short of my bachelor's degree.  I was drinking more than I should have and going out with the sole purpose of finding somebody to marry.  We all know that girl!  I look back now and I am ashamed and mortified of the person I was then.  Still, I did end up dating a decent guy that I knew from high school, thought I fell in love, and we got married two months later.  We made a mess of that marriage.  I knew after we came back from our third wedding anniversary that we were never gonna make it.  I told him repeatedly my concerns and how I was feeling.  His solution was to have kids and I did love him (more like a brother), so we had two kids.  It only ended up driving us farther apart because we were so different.  After 11 years of that I was so angry I actually ran away for a weekend and thought about never returning.  We were in massive debt, massive denial and it was all coming crashing down around me.  I did have a breakdown.  I left for a weekend and made some really hard decisions about my life.  When I returned I dropped the pebble in the pond and started the process of changing my life and the lives of everyone else I know.  That did help me immensely!  I was still very angry at myself, but I was happier being honest for the first time in a very long time.  After three years divorced, I'm no longer angry at myself or my ex-husband.  I accept who he is with his limitations and I refuse to get angry with him anymore.  I deal with him regarding the children, but the blame game is over on my part.  I deal with him honestly or not at all.  We have a more amicable relationship than we have had in many years.

I was, however, still having issues with my anger.  About this time my parents divorced.  It was through this process my entire family began to go to therapy individually and as a group (once and that was such a complete disaster Mom's idea).  It was during this time I found the root of my anger.  I was so angry at my parents.  I was angry that my fathers had never met my expectations as fathers and angry at my mother for filling my life with fear.  That was a powerful turning point for me.  Fear had derailed my life.  My therapist asked me to remember a time in my life when I was happy and felt good about myself.  I told her my freshman year of high was the first time in my life I was on top of the world.  We looked at my life previous to that and a theme appeared in my early childhood.  I never had one.  From age 2 I was expected to be perfect.  I don't think my teen mother at that point knew the kinds of expectations she was putting on me.  For example, she took me to work and had me sleep in a cabinet so her boss wouldn't find out she had me at work with her, but asking a three year old to be quiet for more than 4 hours at a time (which I was) is a little outrageous to me now that I'm a mother of two boys.  At 3 years old I was not a child anymore and I was most definitely a burden.  I know my mother unconsciously resented me or maybe she just resented the responsibility of me because she didn't know any better.  I'm not saying my mother didn't love me because I have always know she loves me unconditionally, but she was a crappy mom at seventeen.  From that time on she gave me a healthy fear of being less than perfect.  She was also a control freak and would have to have everything spotless, everything looking perfect to everyone else, all our clothes perfect/stylish, and if we didn't conform drama and catastrophe was staged to the highest degree.  I'm also not saying I didn't have a good childhood, because I was pretty well taken care of.  My mom re-married to my step-dad who was a steady source of income, I visited my biological father off and on and my basic needs were met.  I developed into a great little mini mom who got my brother and sister ready for school, helped her gain some independence by accepting her responsibilities as a mother and resented them in turn.  I developed into an ok teen with depression and alcoholic tendencies then matured into a depressed adult seeking love and approval from any man who would give it to me.  Textbook case right?  Pair that with above average skills to lie and manipulate and you have the perfect storm.

With the light of understanding shining down on my anger issue, I then began to feel better, but as most of you know who have been in therapy, understanding doesn't make it go away.  I still have anger issues and I still have to deal with a dysfunctional family.  My children are however benefiting from a calmer, more mature and less self destructive, not as much of a control freak, more healthy person for a mother.  I wish my ex-husband was right and there was a pill I could take to make me happier and healthier.  The answer wasn't pharmacological for me, the answer was being honest.  Practicing honesty in every situation and being honest with myself.  Honestly looking at what I felt, wanted, thought, dreamed and grieving for my childhood without stealing my children's from them.  One of the most destructive things my mother has done to me is to blend herself with me.  She never looked at any of her children as individuals, only extensions of herself.  I think because I was an only child with her for seven years it was worse with me. Because in my mother's world, its all about her.  It is still all about her and it may always be all about her because she still can't see she is doing the same thing she always does.  She is doing different things, ie. got a divorce, but she still only depends on alimony for income, hasn't changed anything about her lifestyle, and still is in denial about her financial situation.  She relies on her children for all her emotional support, she never gives us a chance to just have a normal conversation without turning it into a Dr. Phil show, and it's never good enough.  In short she has no life except the superficial one that feeds her own dramatic needs and if you don't agree with everything she is thinking at the time (which can be unclear and change mid-conversation) then you are too upsetting to her and she is "dead" to you for a specified period of time or until she gets bored, lonely, or needs affirmation.  There is no questioning her reasoning, no explanations about your behavior, no dissenting views if you want to have a relationship with her.

Therefore, I am faced with the cold hard fact that I have really known all my life.  I am alone.  It's a very scary realization, but also a good one.  I don't have to depend on anyone else to make me happy or let anyone else make me sad.  I get to decide and I'm responsible for all my decisions.  My choices are mine.  They may affect others like ripples in a pond and I will have to face consequences for them.  If I get angry it is my choice not a conditioned response.  If a person is making me angry they may not have that intention or understanding of purpose and I can look at their behavior and CHOOSE to get angry or just deem their behavior as unacceptable and leave.  Being angry all the time is incredibly exhausting.  Taking care of myself and being honest has a simplicity and peace like nothing I have ever felt before.  My therapist believes I have come to that point that I need to let some things go or forgive.  It makes me laugh because I have forgiven my parents a million times over for things.  Just as I'm sure my children have forgiven me for all my mistakes.  Loving someone is forgiving, accepting and enjoying that person for who they are.  I told my therapist THAT is the piece I'm missing.  Enjoying them just the way they are.  I enjoy my children just as they are and sometimes that is really a challenge, but I wouldn't change them in any way or try to make them  like me.  In fact I celebrate those qualities that are different!!!  I enjoy my fiance and our relationship has had it's challenges.  I really enjoy spending time with him and being myself with him not pretending to be someone he wants me to be.  With my family however, it is just so exhausting to spend an hour with them and I get sick thinking about dealing with them.  I am alone, but I can reach out and connect with people.  I can be imperfect and still magically make friends and not be afraid.  I am not my mother or my father or what either of them expect from me.  I'm not my sister's mom or my brother's mother just their sister and someone who knows what they are going through a little better than most people.  I won't replace that place in their soul that grieves for parents they never had, but I will care and love them just the way they are.  I can't feel joy at the thought of attending Thanksgiving at their homes, but I can take them out to dinner for their birthday.  I will make wonderful family memories with my kids, but not fake ones where we are all trying to live up to something we read about or saw on TV.  We might have chili for Thanksgiving dinner and watch football and that will just be fine.

I love my life and I love my kids, but they aren't my life and I'm not theirs.  Hopefully we will affect each other in a positive way and when they are 40 they won't be angry at me every time I call or afraid.  If they are I hope we can talk about it and they will be able to tell me why so I change my behavior and I will listen to them.  It is hard to work out problems when communication is an issue, but I can only work on my issues.  Just like Forest Gump says, "I guess some times there just aren't enough rocks."  I'll keep throwing rocks in the water and watching the ripples.  Maybe someday I'll just enjoy the water and swim away.