Well, the planets aligned (almost) and I have signed a contract to purchase a home. A very small home, but it has a nice charm to it and a covered patio that I can't wait to enjoy this fall. It's literally across the street from the schools the boys will attend for the next few years and far enough away from my mother that she won't be driving by all the time. It's also not that close to my ex-husband, but still in the same town. I'm slightly apprehensive about being back in the same town as him, but I'm on a busier street this time, so hopefully no flat tires. Nothing quite stirs up anxiety like spending upwards of 80,000 dollars. Although I know in my heart this is the best move for me and my children, I have never been solely responsible for that much debt. Since becoming debt free just a month ago, I was a little hesitant to jump right back off the deep end. As a friend reminded me though, what exactly did you work so hard to get out of debt for then?
My logical side is cheering me on with spreadsheets that show how much money I will be saving in gas and my monthly payments will be cut in half! Logically, I can show everyone how smart a move this is, but I can't shake my nerves. I don't know why I have such anxiety about my decisions, even when those decisions are the smart thing to do. I suppose it is my lack of confidence in myself rearing its ugly fanged self. I have done my pro/con sheet and nothing on the con side even compared to the pro side. I am truly very excited about everything except I had to give up a bathroom, but I on the bright side of that I only have one left to clean! I enjoy cleaning the bathroom about as much as going to the dentist. I also have boys, so if all else fails they could pee outside and probably will whether I give them permission or not. I will also be building equity and repairing my credit which is getting ahead right? Throwing away a paycheck every month on rent when I could be building equity is craziness right? I know logically my stomach should not be churning and the stress of packing and moving and switching my internet provider will be a thing of the past in a few months, but it doesn't seem to ease the tension I feel.
One of the biggest cons was the reaction I was receiving from my fiance. He did not want to move. He did not want the stress of moving and driving farther for work and school. He did not care that I would have to get up an hour earlier, take one son into town and wait 45 minutes to drop the other son off and pay latchkey or have both kids walk almost a mile after school to my mothers or arrange someone to pick up my oldest son. He has a nasty habit of superficially looking at a situation and not seeing how much stress I carry around. It is hard to get up early EVERY day and add on an two hours travel time to my day and worry constantly if the people I have appointed to watch my children are going to follow instructions. Not to mention the fact that my children HATE latchkey and don't want to be shuttled around from place to place losing homework and adding stress to their lives. He just goes to work, goes to school and comes home. He also forgets last year when I asked him to take the kids to late start Wednesday for me and he threw a fit like a baby! I don't want to rely on other people to get my tweenies where they need to go. I want them to be responsible and learn to be on time. They are overjoyed that they can ride bikes to school and home after school. They are elated they have a yard and more room. They are already pestering me to get a cat. Why do kids do that? What is this insatiable need to keep a living thing in the house? His anger and frustration regarding the purchase is causing me no end of anxiety. I did finally tell him he had lots of choices. He could move back in with his parents, he could get a one bedroom in the complex we currently rented, or he could trust me and stop being a negative, blaming jerk. Trust has always been an issue in our relationship, but its times like these that it gets hammered home yet again, he doesn't trust me.
I do trust me to make this decision and I know it is a good decision based on the information I have available. I can afford it, in fact, it is a good financial decision. It is a healthy decision for my self confidence and my independence. I feel good that I can provide a home for my kids where they can feel comfortable, safe and secure. It will make my life easier and in the long run less stressful. I have a good job, I know how to fix a leaky faucet and I know how to call in an expert if I can't fix something. I have friends in the home repair and remodel business that I can count on. I know this is a good move for me, I'm just not sure it will be a good move for us. I hope he will come around and in a few years if he starts a PhD program, we will make other decisions. The funny thing about not having any trust in someone you love is it erodes that person's confidence even if that isn't that person's intent. I'm learning to accept that his lack of trust has more to do with his family experiences and his past marriages than myself, but it is difficult. It hurts when the one person you want to spend your life with forever seems to have zero confidence in you. Do I want to spend my life being doubted regarding every decision I make? Life seems to short for me to live this way. I did finally tell him that I was fine if he didn't support me in this, but it didn't change the fact that I WAS BUYING THE HOUSE. I have learned in my 40 years that you always have a choice. Sometimes the choice is between shit and shit, but you always have a choice. I wasn't forcing him to do anything and never would. I didn't make him sign the lease, didn't tell him we were over if he didn't move with us, didn't make him feel like crap. The only thing I was doing was buying a house. If he wanted to think that he had to move with us or break up, then that was his choice. I personally think with graduate school he might be better off getting a small apartment and doing his research and writing there and then coming to our house when he had free time, but he didn't see it that way. No trust in me and no trust in us. I am also starting to suspect no trust in himself. I will admit I have my doubts about his ability to obtain his goals in higher education, but I don't doubt that he will try at the expense of everything and everyone else. While I admire his passion, I hate that his personality is inherently selfish. Whether that is due to his ADD or just his immaturity, I do not know. For now, I guess he has jumped on board and is making plans for the "vinyl" room and his study. He claims to trust me and complained that he just felt out of the circle of trust. I informed him that he removes himself from the circle of trust when he displays a complete lack of faith in me and my decisions.
Anxiety and excitement are often dance partners in many of my decisions, but none more than this one! I hope in a few years when I have some savings built up, my comfort level is up and all is good that I can look back on this blog and laugh at how silly all my worries were. I hope the air conditioner lasts at least one summer and the insulation isn't about as good as toilet paper, but if shit happens, I'll handle it. I tell my kids a bunch, "It's cool! Mommy's got this." And I do, I got this and it feels pretty great! I'm a home owner, again.
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