So much has been flooding my inbox and Facebook about people arming themselves and being afraid. How do we protect our children? How do we protect ourselves and our home? The answer is simple. You can't. You can't be prepared for all things to come and if you spend your life afraid and every choice you make is made in fear, then you are not truly living. I have done a great deal of reflecting and thinking and it seems to me that people never choose peace. People always choose war. The first choice in war is to look at external causes for your actions and take no personal responsibility. For example, my friend told me she was going to go to classes and buy a gun. Why, I asked? For protection she offered. From what, I asked? From everything she answered. Guns do not protect you from anything. Just like guns do not kill people, people do. She was making a choice to fight. She was potentially making a choice to kill if necessary. She chose war.
War is evil. War kills period. I firmly believe that the only thing war accomplishes is death. War is like a gun. War may be easier, drive the economy more, and cause so much pain and devastation that real change becomes a more acceptable alternative, but it still has only one outcome that is for certain. Death. Death of real children, real adults, and real people that never touched a gun, a bomb, a club, a rock or any other weapon. Real people that were living their lives, shopping, taking a walk, watching TV or going to school. There are many choices that lead up to war, but we make those small choices every single day. War is over if you want it. IF YOU WANT IT. If we all chose change and not war it would be over, however, fear makes people choose war.
If any of you have ever read If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, you can see the error in choosing war. Let's say my friend buys her gun. She is safe right? Wrong. Her house was robbed while she was not home. Thieves stole her gun and then broke into her neighbor's house and shot her neighbor and five children while they slept. This made her more afraid so she moved close to an military base and bought a new gun and installed an alarm system. The military base was targeted by terrorists and bombed. One of the bombs missed and hit her house killing her and everyone in a 10 mile radius. There will always be more guns, more bombs, more people that have no empathy for human life beyond their immediate family or just themselves and the first time we CHOOSE war we head down that path that only leads in one direction, more death.
I know, everything has to die right? All paths ultimately lead to death. So why worry about when or where? Why do we need to take up arms or lock our doors at all. Gotta die sometime right? I'm just like the rest of you, I don't want to die. I don't want to die before my kids are grown and I see everything there is to see! Actually I want scientists to develop robot bodies and just transfer my consciousness into it and never die, but that is just me. I certainly don't want to die knowing that a thief has just stolen my gun, shot me and now my two small children are facing that thief alone with their mother bleeding out all over the floor in front of them. I don't want my kids to die, or my family, friends, people on the street, or anybody to die truthfully! It is sad. It is a part of life however.
Living is also a part of life. A part I think some people are so afraid of death that they forget about. If you were the last person on earth and everyone else was gone, would you just crawl in a corner and wait? I certainly hope not! I hope you would really really live! Live for all of us that are gone! Swim in the ocean! Go to a Five Star Hotel and live it up! Eat a million chocolates! Dance all night! Drive like 120 miles an hour! Go to a mall and try on everything! Just live! I know I want my children, family and friends to go on without me, remember the good times and live their lives to the absolute fullest! I also want them to live with no fear of being imperfect. I want them to take chances and make mistakes! I want them to love so deeply it makes them cry and never be afraid of that! I never want them to be afraid and that is something I can teach them.
How do you teach someone to be afraid? You live in fear. You do only what is acceptable or expected. You live like a gangster. You fit in and if someone comes at you with a bat, you get a knife. If they come back with a gun you get a bigger gun. You look, do, feel and be everything you can to not be weak. You don't love. You don't feel anything if you can help it. You resist change or any ideas that might be different than what you see as acceptable. You fear people that are different from you. You don't educate yourself. You don't travel any farther than one state away. You are possessive and don't trust anyone. This is what you show your children. You teach them that fear is necessary, because you never know when something might happen.
You could teach them to choose peace. You could teach them that change is inevitable. You could teach them that because you never know what might happen, something great is just around the corner. You could teach them that death is going to happen to all of us, but that doesn't mean you won't always be there for them in their hearts and minds. You could teach them that all living things are connected and when one thing is harmed we are all diminished in a small way. You could teach them that it is okay to be afraid sometimes and talk to them about their fears until they feel more confident in their ability to handle everything that comes their way. You could teach them to be responsible for their choices and to think ahead. You can teach them to care about the world not just our little corner of it.
We all never know when something might happen. I could post this blog and get into a car accident and die. Should I not drive? Fear has this wonderful way of blinding us to common sense, change or any opportunity that might come along with the risk we take just walking out the front door. Choices are all we really have in this life, everything else is just the luck of the draw. You have to play the cards your are dealt and hope you get a good hand, but if you quit playing you are guaranteed to lose. I choose to play with everything I have in me! May all the world be comforted and know they are loved. May all the world seek guidance and wisdom. May all the world choose peace for the sake of their fellow men/women. May this spirit last all year long and bring change. May all the world be free from fear. Good luck and Happy Holidays!
Tuesday, December 18, 2012
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
Men Are Like Purses
Let's face it, all women really need is a great purse. A great purse can literally save your life. You pack enough into that purse and you are prepared for anything at anytime and it is heavy enough that you can take down a rhino just by lobbing it at them. We love purses! We are always looking for just the right purse that can keep everything we need in just the right place. We think we love this purse and there will never be another purse that will work better. Then along comes another season and our old purse has lost it's sparkle and has gunk spilled in the bottom of it. We start to see other bigger purses, fancier purses with zippers and buckles! We think that purse will be the one for me! We find the best purse that goes with everything. We keep that purse for years! We pack it with all our things and WHAMO! Our purse is stolen, gone with all our stuff! We are left naked with our credit cards maxed! Jaded we begin again to search for a more sensible purse. Sound familiar? Men are like purses!
I know lots of you are thinking, men are human beings. How can say that about another human being? I guess I want them to be more than an accessory. Men have trophies, we have purses. Well girls the search for the perfect man is just like our quest for the perfect purse. In the end, we end up with a designer bag full of crap. Crap that we think we can't live without. Crap is just crap even with a Dolce label on it. Men are human beings and until we can recognize they aren't all full of crap or something to fill up with our crap, they will only be an accessory. Just like men that keep searching for that perfect size six, long legs, great boobs and a cute smile will only end up with a self-absorbed, fake tanned, fake nailed bubble head that only wants a new purse. Nobody is perfect.
There will always be another purse. Either the last one had too many pockets or not enough, the lining was too dark, the color was a little off, the zipper broke or any other of the bazillion excuses we use to buy a new purse. Basically, we as women need to be able to carry our own crap. Our crap stinks just like everybody else's and it's not up to anybody else to carry it. If you're like me you end up carrying a lot of other people's crap around in your purse like the kid's crap for instance. Water bottles, pacifiers, and toys to play with at the restaurant and extra pairs of pants just in case the off chance somebody might need it. Our purse gets cluttered and its hard to dig out what is useful. We do this to our men. We start out telling them they are great and it doesn't bother us in the least that play softball on Sundays, bowl on Wednesday nights and have that edgy look! Then as our lives change suddenly all our things don't fit and the fact they can change our tires gets lost in the side pocket buried under your gum and lip plumper. Men aren't here to carry our crap. They weren't made to know the difference between aqua and chartreuse. They don't understand romantic gestures except that somewhere on TV it usually gets a guy laid. Everything they need is packed into a 3" x 5" leather strap that is mostly taken up by a debit card and pictures we gave them. Men are simple and I don't mean that they are stupid. I think that millions of years of evolution has taught them to carry only what is necessary and grab the rest when you can. Women are the hoarders of the crap! Let it go and don't blame the purse! When men say, "Well if you didn't try to carry so much crap..." They are right!
Women need to stop expecting so much from their purse or all you end up with is a huge back of crap. Same goes for the men in our lives. We need to tell them exactly what we NEED and leave all the fluff out. My ex-husband was like a duffel bag. Handy, sturdy and useful, but I seldom if ever needed him. I didn't need him and he felt empty and useless. He wasn't even a purse. He was an awesome duffel bag, but not what I needed. I truly think after dating the second time around after my divorce it became perfectly clear to me that I was only searching for a new purse, not a new partner. I wanted a man that I could unload all of my crap into and it would fit perfectly so I didn't have to carry it around. How surprised I was to find that all I ended up with was a nicer looking crap carrier? Do we as women really want a bag of crap? It wasn't until dumped my emotional baggage out on the table and really started to look at all of my crap that I realized what I really needed. I needed a man that wouldn't take any crap.
A good purse can be a life saver or crap basket. It can be a heavy catch all or the accessory to make your outfit. Men are like purses a women need to realize even the best purse is going to wear out if you just stuff it with crap. Be gentle with your favorite purse and don't expect something the size of an coin purse to hold up to ten items. Only trust that purse to hold what is really important and what you really need and YOU carry the rest. Get the right purse for the job and if you get the wrong purse, let it go right away! We all have that purse we thought was going to look great and then found out the zipper was busted and it had no cell phone outer pocket! It wasn't the purse, it was us! We picked the wrong purse or we were so desperate for a purse we didn't take the time to assess our real needs. A beautiful bag full of shit is still a bag of shit.
For any men that read this take a long hard look at the woman you are dating and at their purse. Here are some things to think about.
SIZE - If the purse is a more like a backpack this is a woman that is used to carrying around a lot of crap! She has high expectations. She gets attached to things easily. She has needs and few of them are being met. She is looking for a man that will help her carry the load so if you con't want to carry that purse for her, do her a favor and move on. If there is anything that vibrates in that bag, run
If the purse is regular sized but so packed everything comes spilling out it is the same story as above, but she is also crying out for attention. If you don't want to give her the time and attention, move on. If it is regular sized and she can find a pen to give you her number or a stick of gum that isn't covered in hair in less than a minute, you are probably dealing with a sensible woman that will only expect flowers on her birthday and appreciate a good man.
If the purse is small more like a coin purse and she only carries her debit card, cash and a lip gloss. She is hiding her real purse until she knows you better.
COLORS:
White - High maintenance, impulsive, short attention span
Black/Brown/Tan - Sensible, classic and likes a big bank for her buck. Loyal and will commit to the right one. Patient.
Red, Neons, Blue or very trendy colors - Goes for what she percieves as hot, but then nitpicks the
very things that attracted her in the first place. Indecisive and impulsive.
Denim - Mom purse has totally give up being fashionable and will wear sweats to bed.
Animal Print - likes an adventure, seeks to tame the beast inside you but can be clingy. Low expectations of men and will put you down quickly if you get out of line.
Visible Pockets - If there are more than five pockets on the outside of a purse and she can't find anything then she is the queen of chaos. She loves drama and creates it all herself. If everything has a place and she gets really upset if her pen ended up in the wrong pocket you can bet she is gonna hound you like a dog over your boxers laying in the corner of the room.
Sparkle - If the amount of bling on her bag could stop a train by blinding the engineer if the sun hit it from her car then you better multiply that sparkle by ten when buying her wedding ring. Materialistic, fun, likes grand gestures.
Hobo, Hippie or Crochet bag - Easy going, disorganized, late, likes organic but will take Starbucks if you are buying. Not really looking, not sure what she wants, but willing to try anything once.
CONDITION:
Old and tattered - She sticks with one guy until there is nothing left. Better be in it to win it because she will latch on to you like you are the only man for her and stay until you fall apart and then try to stitch you back together with duct tape. Trusting, cheep and loyal.
New purse every time you see her - She always has a plan B. Impulse buyer. Does not respect you as an individual. Doesn't want to make it a date, just a possible hook up later if we meet at the same place. A player! Lots of fun but not for the long haul.
Same purse good condition but messy - Busy, but ready for a relationship. Takes on too much and is looking for someone to sweep her off her feet. Will respond well to romantic gestures no matter how small or cheesy.
Same purse like new and completely organized - Neat freak, coupon queen, will drive you insane with her demands and expectations. Don't look for this relationship to last if you are not responsible.
Of course like men purses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and condition which makes the quest all the more challenging. You can luck out and find a good purse at good will that just needs to be dry cleaned. That purse can save you time and time again if you appreciate it. Good luck ladies! Men if you are married to one of the above, dump out that crap! Brace yourself for the shitstorm to follow and help her clarify her needs and wants. You will both come out smelling like a rose in the end.
I know lots of you are thinking, men are human beings. How can say that about another human being? I guess I want them to be more than an accessory. Men have trophies, we have purses. Well girls the search for the perfect man is just like our quest for the perfect purse. In the end, we end up with a designer bag full of crap. Crap that we think we can't live without. Crap is just crap even with a Dolce label on it. Men are human beings and until we can recognize they aren't all full of crap or something to fill up with our crap, they will only be an accessory. Just like men that keep searching for that perfect size six, long legs, great boobs and a cute smile will only end up with a self-absorbed, fake tanned, fake nailed bubble head that only wants a new purse. Nobody is perfect.
There will always be another purse. Either the last one had too many pockets or not enough, the lining was too dark, the color was a little off, the zipper broke or any other of the bazillion excuses we use to buy a new purse. Basically, we as women need to be able to carry our own crap. Our crap stinks just like everybody else's and it's not up to anybody else to carry it. If you're like me you end up carrying a lot of other people's crap around in your purse like the kid's crap for instance. Water bottles, pacifiers, and toys to play with at the restaurant and extra pairs of pants just in case the off chance somebody might need it. Our purse gets cluttered and its hard to dig out what is useful. We do this to our men. We start out telling them they are great and it doesn't bother us in the least that play softball on Sundays, bowl on Wednesday nights and have that edgy look! Then as our lives change suddenly all our things don't fit and the fact they can change our tires gets lost in the side pocket buried under your gum and lip plumper. Men aren't here to carry our crap. They weren't made to know the difference between aqua and chartreuse. They don't understand romantic gestures except that somewhere on TV it usually gets a guy laid. Everything they need is packed into a 3" x 5" leather strap that is mostly taken up by a debit card and pictures we gave them. Men are simple and I don't mean that they are stupid. I think that millions of years of evolution has taught them to carry only what is necessary and grab the rest when you can. Women are the hoarders of the crap! Let it go and don't blame the purse! When men say, "Well if you didn't try to carry so much crap..." They are right!
Women need to stop expecting so much from their purse or all you end up with is a huge back of crap. Same goes for the men in our lives. We need to tell them exactly what we NEED and leave all the fluff out. My ex-husband was like a duffel bag. Handy, sturdy and useful, but I seldom if ever needed him. I didn't need him and he felt empty and useless. He wasn't even a purse. He was an awesome duffel bag, but not what I needed. I truly think after dating the second time around after my divorce it became perfectly clear to me that I was only searching for a new purse, not a new partner. I wanted a man that I could unload all of my crap into and it would fit perfectly so I didn't have to carry it around. How surprised I was to find that all I ended up with was a nicer looking crap carrier? Do we as women really want a bag of crap? It wasn't until dumped my emotional baggage out on the table and really started to look at all of my crap that I realized what I really needed. I needed a man that wouldn't take any crap.
A good purse can be a life saver or crap basket. It can be a heavy catch all or the accessory to make your outfit. Men are like purses a women need to realize even the best purse is going to wear out if you just stuff it with crap. Be gentle with your favorite purse and don't expect something the size of an coin purse to hold up to ten items. Only trust that purse to hold what is really important and what you really need and YOU carry the rest. Get the right purse for the job and if you get the wrong purse, let it go right away! We all have that purse we thought was going to look great and then found out the zipper was busted and it had no cell phone outer pocket! It wasn't the purse, it was us! We picked the wrong purse or we were so desperate for a purse we didn't take the time to assess our real needs. A beautiful bag full of shit is still a bag of shit.
For any men that read this take a long hard look at the woman you are dating and at their purse. Here are some things to think about.
SIZE - If the purse is a more like a backpack this is a woman that is used to carrying around a lot of crap! She has high expectations. She gets attached to things easily. She has needs and few of them are being met. She is looking for a man that will help her carry the load so if you con't want to carry that purse for her, do her a favor and move on. If there is anything that vibrates in that bag, run
If the purse is regular sized but so packed everything comes spilling out it is the same story as above, but she is also crying out for attention. If you don't want to give her the time and attention, move on. If it is regular sized and she can find a pen to give you her number or a stick of gum that isn't covered in hair in less than a minute, you are probably dealing with a sensible woman that will only expect flowers on her birthday and appreciate a good man.
If the purse is small more like a coin purse and she only carries her debit card, cash and a lip gloss. She is hiding her real purse until she knows you better.
COLORS:
White - High maintenance, impulsive, short attention span
Black/Brown/Tan - Sensible, classic and likes a big bank for her buck. Loyal and will commit to the right one. Patient.
Red, Neons, Blue or very trendy colors - Goes for what she percieves as hot, but then nitpicks the
very things that attracted her in the first place. Indecisive and impulsive.
Denim - Mom purse has totally give up being fashionable and will wear sweats to bed.
Animal Print - likes an adventure, seeks to tame the beast inside you but can be clingy. Low expectations of men and will put you down quickly if you get out of line.
Visible Pockets - If there are more than five pockets on the outside of a purse and she can't find anything then she is the queen of chaos. She loves drama and creates it all herself. If everything has a place and she gets really upset if her pen ended up in the wrong pocket you can bet she is gonna hound you like a dog over your boxers laying in the corner of the room.
Sparkle - If the amount of bling on her bag could stop a train by blinding the engineer if the sun hit it from her car then you better multiply that sparkle by ten when buying her wedding ring. Materialistic, fun, likes grand gestures.
Hobo, Hippie or Crochet bag - Easy going, disorganized, late, likes organic but will take Starbucks if you are buying. Not really looking, not sure what she wants, but willing to try anything once.
CONDITION:
Old and tattered - She sticks with one guy until there is nothing left. Better be in it to win it because she will latch on to you like you are the only man for her and stay until you fall apart and then try to stitch you back together with duct tape. Trusting, cheep and loyal.
New purse every time you see her - She always has a plan B. Impulse buyer. Does not respect you as an individual. Doesn't want to make it a date, just a possible hook up later if we meet at the same place. A player! Lots of fun but not for the long haul.
Same purse good condition but messy - Busy, but ready for a relationship. Takes on too much and is looking for someone to sweep her off her feet. Will respond well to romantic gestures no matter how small or cheesy.
Same purse like new and completely organized - Neat freak, coupon queen, will drive you insane with her demands and expectations. Don't look for this relationship to last if you are not responsible.
Of course like men purses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and condition which makes the quest all the more challenging. You can luck out and find a good purse at good will that just needs to be dry cleaned. That purse can save you time and time again if you appreciate it. Good luck ladies! Men if you are married to one of the above, dump out that crap! Brace yourself for the shitstorm to follow and help her clarify her needs and wants. You will both come out smelling like a rose in the end.
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
Pantophobia
Do you have Pantophobia?
From the very first time I heard that word on Charlie Brown Christmas and deeply identified with Mr. Brown, I knew I had Pantophobia. It is an almost crippling feeling to live in constant fear. Fear of what you ask? Fear of everything. Constantly weighing every decision and every outcome of every decision. Did I say the right thing, wear the right thing, have the right things? Should I be quiet? Should I tell the truth? What will happen now? You lose sleep, you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. You know it is irrational, but still you are afraid. Panic attacks, suddenly forgetting where you are going, physical pain when you are late or too early and getting very upset and frustrated at the smallest inconvenience. My entire life has been shrouded with fear. I have spent great quantities of time trying to figure out where this fear originated and moving past my more irrational fears. I have read books on fear and thinking too much. I wouldn't say I have OCD, but at times I have had to go back and lock the front door to my house more than once. I would say at certain times in my life when I have been stressed to the max, the fear has controlled my behavior. I simply try to push through the fear when possible.
Over the years I have tried different coping mechanisms to deal with the fear. One of the best is humor. If I can laugh at my irrational fear, then I can usually get past it. I used to truly believe I was not worthy of love. Deeply damaged as a child, I believed I had to be perfect in order for my own parents to love me let alone anyone else. Perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect skin, and many other traits like organized, leader, role model, Christian, etc to deserve love. Being perfect is stressful hard work especially when you are constantly afraid that everyone is going to discover your secret. By the age of 18 I was clinically depressed, suicidal and sexually active for all the wrong reasons. By the age of 25 I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and looking for anyone to make me happy. By the age of 34 I was in a horrible fake marriage with two little babies, depressed and looking for a way out. Now at 40, divorced, happy and two wonderful children later I can recognize that fear is the hardest thing to push through. I felt I was in danger at times in my childhood. I felt I had little control over my personal safety and no voice. I have come to realize as an adult my childhood was not horrible, but it was dysfunctional and my family is still not a safe place. I deal with it on a more mature level, but it is still contributing to my fears.
Where does this fear come from? I can remember being afraid as a small child, unable to trust, quiet, wanting to spend hours dissolving in front of the television but afraid of what? It isn't something I can say, "That's IT!" I don't spend hours worrying about a spider crawling up my leg or if I locked the door. It is just a cold horrible feeling that something is wrong. Something is going to go wrong. My life is wrong, my children are going to suffer and it is all my fault. But I don't know why I feel afraid and I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of. I am less afraid now than I have ever been in my life, but it is still there lurking. It is different from regret. I regret some things like being horridly in debt and not facing responsibilities as well as I should have financially, but I also learned a great deal from those experiences. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for any amount of money in the universe. I finished college and have a good job. I wouldn't say I had regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes. I would say that I'm afraid at least a few times during the day for no particular reason and it is bad enough to make me feel sick and I don't understand why.
Pantophobia. Lucy said the cure is involvement, but I think her advice is pretty much worth as much as she charged. I don't think there is a cure, but that I just keep working through it and try to recognize it. If I recognize my fear and can't put a name to it, then I know it is not real. Unfortunately knowing and not feeling it are two very different things. To my fellow Pantophobes, you are not alone in your fear. I will not allow my fear to take over my life. Courage is being afraid, but doing what needs to be done anyway. I always tell myself, "I will do this today and if I am still afraid, then I can crawl into bed tomorrow."
Last Saturday I watched Charlie Brown Christmas with my two boys and I neither one of them seemed to identify with any of the characters except Snoopy. My greatest fear is that I pass on this disgusting fear to my children. I don't want them to feel afraid and I go to incredible lengths to make sure the environment they live in is safe. I also tell them when they are afraid that it is normal, but letting fear control your life is not. Fear is only what you allow it to be. Whether it is a speed bump or a mountain is your choice, which would you rather climb? I was always more of a mountain person, but they seem to enjoy driving cars.
From the very first time I heard that word on Charlie Brown Christmas and deeply identified with Mr. Brown, I knew I had Pantophobia. It is an almost crippling feeling to live in constant fear. Fear of what you ask? Fear of everything. Constantly weighing every decision and every outcome of every decision. Did I say the right thing, wear the right thing, have the right things? Should I be quiet? Should I tell the truth? What will happen now? You lose sleep, you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. You know it is irrational, but still you are afraid. Panic attacks, suddenly forgetting where you are going, physical pain when you are late or too early and getting very upset and frustrated at the smallest inconvenience. My entire life has been shrouded with fear. I have spent great quantities of time trying to figure out where this fear originated and moving past my more irrational fears. I have read books on fear and thinking too much. I wouldn't say I have OCD, but at times I have had to go back and lock the front door to my house more than once. I would say at certain times in my life when I have been stressed to the max, the fear has controlled my behavior. I simply try to push through the fear when possible.
Over the years I have tried different coping mechanisms to deal with the fear. One of the best is humor. If I can laugh at my irrational fear, then I can usually get past it. I used to truly believe I was not worthy of love. Deeply damaged as a child, I believed I had to be perfect in order for my own parents to love me let alone anyone else. Perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect skin, and many other traits like organized, leader, role model, Christian, etc to deserve love. Being perfect is stressful hard work especially when you are constantly afraid that everyone is going to discover your secret. By the age of 18 I was clinically depressed, suicidal and sexually active for all the wrong reasons. By the age of 25 I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and looking for anyone to make me happy. By the age of 34 I was in a horrible fake marriage with two little babies, depressed and looking for a way out. Now at 40, divorced, happy and two wonderful children later I can recognize that fear is the hardest thing to push through. I felt I was in danger at times in my childhood. I felt I had little control over my personal safety and no voice. I have come to realize as an adult my childhood was not horrible, but it was dysfunctional and my family is still not a safe place. I deal with it on a more mature level, but it is still contributing to my fears.
Where does this fear come from? I can remember being afraid as a small child, unable to trust, quiet, wanting to spend hours dissolving in front of the television but afraid of what? It isn't something I can say, "That's IT!" I don't spend hours worrying about a spider crawling up my leg or if I locked the door. It is just a cold horrible feeling that something is wrong. Something is going to go wrong. My life is wrong, my children are going to suffer and it is all my fault. But I don't know why I feel afraid and I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of. I am less afraid now than I have ever been in my life, but it is still there lurking. It is different from regret. I regret some things like being horridly in debt and not facing responsibilities as well as I should have financially, but I also learned a great deal from those experiences. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for any amount of money in the universe. I finished college and have a good job. I wouldn't say I had regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes. I would say that I'm afraid at least a few times during the day for no particular reason and it is bad enough to make me feel sick and I don't understand why.
Pantophobia. Lucy said the cure is involvement, but I think her advice is pretty much worth as much as she charged. I don't think there is a cure, but that I just keep working through it and try to recognize it. If I recognize my fear and can't put a name to it, then I know it is not real. Unfortunately knowing and not feeling it are two very different things. To my fellow Pantophobes, you are not alone in your fear. I will not allow my fear to take over my life. Courage is being afraid, but doing what needs to be done anyway. I always tell myself, "I will do this today and if I am still afraid, then I can crawl into bed tomorrow."
Last Saturday I watched Charlie Brown Christmas with my two boys and I neither one of them seemed to identify with any of the characters except Snoopy. My greatest fear is that I pass on this disgusting fear to my children. I don't want them to feel afraid and I go to incredible lengths to make sure the environment they live in is safe. I also tell them when they are afraid that it is normal, but letting fear control your life is not. Fear is only what you allow it to be. Whether it is a speed bump or a mountain is your choice, which would you rather climb? I was always more of a mountain person, but they seem to enjoy driving cars.
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