Men Are Like Purses

Let's face it, all women really need is a great purse.  A great purse can literally save your life.  You pack enough into that purse and you are prepared for anything at anytime and it is heavy enough that you can take down a rhino just by lobbing it at them.  We love purses!  We are always looking for just the right purse that can keep everything we need in just the right place. We think we love this purse and there will never be another purse that will work better.  Then along comes another season and our old purse has lost it's sparkle and has gunk spilled in the bottom of it.  We start to see other bigger purses, fancier purses with zippers and buckles!  We think that purse will be the one for me!  We find the best purse that goes with everything.  We keep that purse for years! We pack it with all our things and WHAMO!  Our purse is stolen, gone with all our stuff!  We are left naked with our credit cards maxed!  Jaded we begin again to search for a more sensible purse.  Sound familiar?  Men are like purses!

I know lots of you are thinking, men are human beings.  How can say that about another human being?  I guess I want them to be more than an accessory.  Men have trophies, we have purses.  Well girls the search for the perfect man is just like our quest for the perfect purse.  In the end, we end up with a designer bag full of crap.  Crap that we think we can't live without.  Crap is just crap even with a Dolce label on it.  Men are human beings and until we can recognize they aren't all full of crap or something to fill up with our crap, they will only be an accessory.  Just like men that keep searching for that perfect size six, long legs, great boobs and a cute smile will only end up with a self-absorbed, fake tanned, fake nailed bubble head that only wants a new purse.  Nobody is perfect.

There will always be another purse.  Either the last one had too many pockets or not enough, the lining was too dark, the color was a little off, the zipper broke or any other of the bazillion excuses we use to buy a new purse.  Basically, we as women need to be able to carry our own crap.  Our crap stinks just like everybody else's and it's not up to anybody else to carry it.  If you're like me you end up carrying a lot of other people's crap around in your purse like the kid's crap for instance.  Water bottles, pacifiers, and toys to play with at the restaurant and extra pairs of pants just in case the off chance somebody might need it.  Our purse gets cluttered and its hard to dig out what is useful.  We do this to our men.  We start out telling them they are great and it doesn't bother us in the least that play softball on Sundays, bowl on Wednesday nights and have that edgy look!  Then as our lives change suddenly all our things don't fit and the fact they can change our tires gets lost in the side pocket buried under your gum and lip plumper.  Men aren't here to carry our crap.  They weren't made to know the difference between aqua and chartreuse.  They don't understand romantic gestures except that somewhere on TV it usually gets a guy laid.  Everything they need is packed into a 3" x 5" leather strap that is mostly taken up by a debit card and pictures we gave them.  Men are simple and I don't mean that they are stupid.  I think that millions of years of evolution has taught them to carry only what is necessary and grab the rest when you can.  Women are the hoarders of the crap!  Let it go and don't blame the purse!  When men say, "Well if you didn't try to carry so much crap..."  They are right!

Women need to stop expecting so much from their purse or all you end up with is a huge back of crap.  Same goes for the men in our lives.  We need to tell them exactly what we NEED and leave all the fluff out.  My ex-husband was like a duffel bag.  Handy, sturdy and useful, but I seldom if ever needed him.  I didn't need him and he felt empty and useless.  He wasn't even a purse.  He was an awesome duffel bag, but not what I needed.  I truly think after dating the second time around after my divorce it became perfectly clear to me that I was only searching for a new purse, not a new partner.  I wanted a man that I could unload all of my crap into and it would fit perfectly so I didn't have to carry it around.  How surprised I was to find that all I ended up with was a nicer looking crap carrier?  Do we as women really want a bag of crap?  It wasn't until dumped my emotional baggage out on the table and really started to look at all of my crap that I realized what I really needed.  I needed a man that wouldn't take any crap.

A good purse can be a life saver or crap basket.  It can be a heavy catch all or the accessory to make your outfit.  Men are like purses a women need to realize even the best purse is going to wear out if you just stuff it with crap.  Be gentle with your favorite purse and don't expect something the size of an coin purse to hold up to ten items.  Only trust that purse to hold what is really important and what you really need and YOU carry the rest.  Get the right purse for the job and if you get the wrong purse, let it go right away!  We all have that purse we thought was going to look great and then found out the zipper was busted and it had no cell phone outer pocket!  It wasn't the purse, it was us!  We picked the wrong purse or we were so desperate for a purse we didn't take the time to assess our real needs.  A beautiful bag full of shit is still a bag of shit.

For any men that read this take a long hard look at the woman you are dating and at their purse.  Here are some things to think about.

SIZE - If the purse is a more like a backpack this is a woman that is used to carrying around a lot of crap!  She has high expectations.  She gets attached to things easily.  She has needs and few of them are being met.  She is looking for a man that will help her carry the load so if you con't want to carry that purse for her, do her a favor and move on.  If there is anything that vibrates in that bag, run

If the purse is regular sized but so packed everything comes spilling out it is the same story as above, but she is also crying out for attention.  If you don't want to give her the time and attention, move on.  If it is regular sized and she can find a pen to give you her number or a stick of gum that isn't covered in hair in less than a minute, you are probably dealing with a sensible woman that will only expect flowers on her birthday and appreciate a good man.

If the purse is small more like a coin purse and she only carries her debit card, cash and a lip gloss.  She is hiding her real purse until she knows you better.

COLORS:

White - High maintenance, impulsive, short attention span
Black/Brown/Tan - Sensible, classic and likes a big bank for her buck.  Loyal and will commit to the right one.  Patient.
Red, Neons, Blue or very trendy colors - Goes for what she percieves as hot, but then nitpicks the
very things that attracted her in the first place.  Indecisive and impulsive.
Denim - Mom purse has totally give up being fashionable and will wear sweats to bed.
Animal Print - likes an adventure, seeks to tame the beast inside you but can be clingy.  Low expectations of men and will put you down quickly if you get out of line.
Visible Pockets - If there are more than five pockets on the outside of a purse and she can't find anything then she is the queen of chaos.  She loves drama and creates it all herself.  If everything has a place and she gets really upset if her pen ended up in the wrong pocket you can bet she is gonna hound you like a dog over your boxers laying in the corner of the room.
Sparkle - If the amount of bling on her bag could stop a train by blinding the engineer if the sun hit it from her car then you better multiply that sparkle by ten when buying her wedding ring.  Materialistic, fun, likes grand gestures.
Hobo, Hippie or Crochet bag - Easy going, disorganized, late, likes organic but will take Starbucks if you are buying.  Not really looking, not sure what she wants, but willing to try anything once.

CONDITION:

Old and tattered - She sticks with one guy until there is nothing left.  Better be in it to win it because she will latch on to you like you are the only man for her and stay until you fall apart and then try to stitch you back together with duct tape.  Trusting, cheep and loyal.

New purse every time you see her - She always has a plan B.  Impulse buyer.  Does not respect you as an individual.  Doesn't want to make it a date, just a possible hook up later if we meet at the same place.  A player!  Lots of fun but not for the long haul.

Same purse good condition but messy - Busy, but ready for a relationship.  Takes on too much and is looking for someone to sweep her off her feet.  Will respond well to romantic gestures no matter how small or cheesy.

Same purse like new and completely organized - Neat freak, coupon queen, will drive you insane with her demands and expectations.  Don't look for this relationship to last if you are not responsible.

Of course like men purses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and condition which makes the quest all the more challenging.  You can luck out and find a good purse at good will that just needs to be dry cleaned.  That purse can save you time and time again if you appreciate it.  Good luck ladies!  Men if you are married to one of the above, dump out that crap!  Brace yourself for the shitstorm to follow and help her clarify her needs and wants.  You will both come out smelling like a rose in the end.