Pantophobia

Do you have Pantophobia?

From the very first time I heard that word on Charlie Brown Christmas and deeply identified with Mr. Brown, I knew I had Pantophobia. It is an almost crippling feeling to live in constant fear. Fear of what you ask? Fear of everything. Constantly weighing every decision and every outcome of every decision. Did I say the right thing, wear the right thing, have the right things? Should I be quiet? Should I tell the truth? What will happen now? You lose sleep, you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. You know it is irrational, but still you are afraid. Panic attacks, suddenly forgetting where you are going, physical pain when you are late or too early and getting very upset and frustrated at the smallest inconvenience. My entire life has been shrouded with fear. I have spent great quantities of time trying to figure out where this fear originated and moving past my more irrational fears. I have read books on fear and thinking too much. I wouldn't say I have OCD, but at times I have had to go back and lock the front door to my house more than once. I would say at certain times in my life when I have been stressed to the max, the fear has controlled my behavior. I simply try to push through the fear when possible.

Over the years I have tried different coping mechanisms to deal with the fear. One of the best is humor. If I can laugh at my irrational fear, then I can usually get past it. I used to truly believe I was not worthy of love. Deeply damaged as a child, I believed I had to be perfect in order for my own parents to love me let alone anyone else. Perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect skin, and many other traits like organized, leader, role model, Christian, etc to deserve love. Being perfect is stressful hard work especially when you are constantly afraid that everyone is going to discover your secret. By the age of 18 I was clinically depressed, suicidal and sexually active for all the wrong reasons. By the age of 25 I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and looking for anyone to make me happy. By the age of 34 I was in a horrible fake marriage with two little babies, depressed and looking for a way out. Now at 40, divorced, happy and two wonderful children later I can recognize that fear is the hardest thing to push through. I felt I was in danger at times in my childhood. I felt I had little control over my personal safety and no voice. I have come to realize as an adult my childhood was not horrible, but it was dysfunctional and my family is still not a safe place. I deal with it on a more mature level, but it is still contributing to my fears.

Where does this fear come from? I can remember being afraid as a small child, unable to trust, quiet, wanting to spend hours dissolving in front of the television but afraid of what? It isn't something I can say, "That's IT!" I don't spend hours worrying about a spider crawling up my leg or if I locked the door. It is just a cold horrible feeling that something is wrong. Something is going to go wrong. My life is wrong, my children are going to suffer and it is all my fault. But I don't know why I feel afraid and I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of. I am less afraid now than I have ever been in my life, but it is still there lurking. It is different from regret. I regret some things like being horridly in debt and not facing responsibilities as well as I should have financially, but I also learned a great deal from those experiences. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for any amount of money in the universe. I finished college and have a good job. I wouldn't say I had regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes. I would say that I'm afraid at least a few times during the day for no particular reason and it is bad enough to make me feel sick and I don't understand why.

Pantophobia. Lucy said the cure is involvement, but I think her advice is pretty much worth as much as she charged. I don't think there is a cure, but that I just keep working through it and try to recognize it. If I recognize my fear and can't put a name to it, then I know it is not real. Unfortunately knowing and not feeling it are two very different things. To my fellow Pantophobes, you are not alone in your fear. I will not allow my fear to take over my life. Courage is being afraid, but doing what needs to be done anyway. I always tell myself, "I will do this today and if I am still afraid, then I can crawl into bed tomorrow."

Last Saturday I watched Charlie Brown Christmas with my two boys and I neither one of them seemed to identify with any of the characters except Snoopy. My greatest fear is that I pass on this disgusting fear to my children. I don't want them to feel afraid and I go to incredible lengths to make sure the environment they live in is safe. I also tell them when they are afraid that it is normal, but letting fear control your life is not. Fear is only what you allow it to be. Whether it is a speed bump or a mountain is your choice, which would you rather climb? I was always more of a mountain person, but they seem to enjoy driving cars.