Right now I am filled with pain. I hurt. My heart pounds inside my chest and my eyes are so sore from crying. My body is exhausted and my mind is numb. I do not have the flu or an illness to blame this on. I want to choose to forget or at least forget for a little while my pain and move through this day. I don't want my children to see me cry and worry. There is nothing they can do to take away my pain. I know where it comes from. It began long ago. I hurt.
I cannot change this pain. I can't cover it with make up or eat enough food to fill it up. Nothing I buy or give away will change how I feel. No matter how many times I donate blood, break my back for a friend, help my kids with their homework, read to their classes, throw parties for them, give my energy to make another's day it does not stop this pain. No matter how much I love my life or love the people in it, I will always have this hurt. No books or religion hold the remedy for this hurt. No medicine internal or external can relieve my pain. Nobody can love me enough to make this torture end.
Sometimes I wake up and it's better. I see the beauty in the sunshine and the smile of my loved ones. I kiss my kitten and she almost giggles at me. The drive to work isn't filled with no-driving egg heads out to ruin my day. Work is blissfully easy and goes quickly. I have food and cook quietly while my children tell me about their fantastic day of little miracles and we spend time together laughing. Some times I lay my head down and my pillow feels like heaven. Not today.
What do you do when you know what causes your pain, but there is no remedy? I cope. I talk. I try. I lie to myself. I get busy with other things in my life that I can enjoy, but the pain still returns. I am still grieving for my expectations. I have acceptance, even forgiveness, but I have so much pain because in all the stages of my life I have had no parents. It affects me in so many ways daily. I realize I'm not alone and I'm old enough now that I don't need a parent, but there were so many times when I did. Children need adults to guide them. Children need to know that they are not alone. Children need a time when they aren't afraid. Children need to be encouraged to try even if they fail. Children need to hear that the only opinion that matters is theirs. Children need parents that can model these behaviors. If they don't have these things, I don't think they can truly ever grow up or change life for the better. They are left with a horrible pain, anger, incredible resentment, fear, mistrust, and independence.
Worst of all, it is a cycle. I understand my parents. I know my grandparents. I have talked to all of them so much about how they felt as children. What happened to shape them into the people they are. It is the biggest challenge in my life to PARENT my children and stop this cycle of abuse. I want my children to be proud of me and to learn from me about being responsible and being an adult. I want them to develop their own passion and confidence to guide them in their decisions, not fear. I want them to know I will stand with them through any consequences, but I will not take their choices away out of my fear. I want them to know real love, the kind that comes from within themselves, and never doubt they will always be alright even long after I'm gone. I want to love my children for who they really are, not how I want them to be or what they do for me. Most of all I want them to grow up at a normal pace and have a normal childhood. I just don't know what a normal childhood is.
I don't want my children to have so much pain in their lives. I don't want so much pain in my life, but I know I am the only one that can stop my pain by letting it go. Today I bought a blue balloon and let it go. It was only a little pain. It was that I didn't have a wedding because I was angry. I didn't want my step-father to walk me down the isle and too hurt or too scared to ask my biological father to attend, because of the changes that would make in my life and the people I would hurt. So I gave up my dream of having a big wedding and gave up my dream of having a good marriage the same day by marrying the wrong man being desperate for someone to love me. It was only a small part of my pain, but I let that go. It felt good. I feel a little better. I still have a lot of hurt to let go, but there are a lot of balloons.
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