In the ever changing world of a divorced parent issues abound and crisis can erupt at any moment. The stress is like perpetually waiting to go on the roller coaster when you don't really even want to ride, getting on and finding out it wasn't as bad as you expected or that it was worse, possibly puking and finally the ride is over and the inattentive park attendant directs you to the back of the line to wait until the next ride. For a year now my children have both complained they did not want to go to their Dad's. Several occasions they have refused or manipulated their way into staying home. It affects their health, school work, our time together. Over the past year my attitude regarding their father and the situation that has unfolded with his new partner and her five children, has steadily festered into what it is today. As much as I try to explain to my children that their father loves his new family and he is trying, my words are just sounding flat. The truth is I can't pretend it is okay any more than my children can accept they just have to go, because he is their Dad. Why should they have to accept that his choices are making it impossible for them to spend any time with him? When does he have to realize that what they want matters too? How long do I have to listen to them cry, because they don't feel like they have a father anymore? Where do I draw the line? Do I allow them to draw it?
I have talked to my ex-husband on several occasions and listened to him give me a laundry list of the things he has chosen to take on with his new family. I have expressed my concerns that his children do not feel like a priority to him, repeatedly. After every conversation, I tell both boys to give their Dad a chance to make some changes. The last time we spoke was about two weeks ago. It seems to me the only change that the boys reported was they were now allowed to bring their electronic devices to his house. After I pleaded with my ex-husband to spend more time with his two children, he allows them to play on their iPad and Kindle the whole weekend. He sat on the sidelines and the boys had zero interaction with him alone the entire weekend. While the boys liked finally having something to do, they both are tired of waiting for their Dad to wake up and listen to their requests for more time alone with him. Since my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 10 and they are both active in their own activities, I don't see it getting any easier for him to schedule around his other step-children. Where is the line?
I remember vividly when I decided to stop visitations with my biological father. I was 13 years old, just starting to develop and wear makeup which he hated with a passion. To my Dad, I was still six with a big mouth. Looking back, my father was such a weak individual. He was drug addicted, high school educated, never had any self-worth, and looked at me as the only good thing he had ever done in his whole life (he actually told me that all the time). I looked at my Dad very differently after I turned 13. I started working as a babysitter so I had a little of my own money and a little more freedom. I had lots of friends and junior high was a blast. Not only did I not have anything in common with him, but I simply had better things to do. I really didn't have much to do with my mother or my step-father at that point, but giving up an entire weekend to be with a depressed, drug addicted, scruffy looking biker? I really just told him honestly that I didn't want to see him anymore. I wanted him to stop smoking pot, get a real job, stop being a biker and stop taking me to weird biker hangouts to buy drugs that made me feel incredibly unsafe. I wanted him to grow up and be a role model for me. I also told him (a little later into my 20's) that he was teaching me exactly what NOT to do, for which I am grateful. Most of my parental influences have taught me what I don't want in my life, however that isn't good enough. As a parent, I want to show my boys what is possible if you do the right things and have some dreams you follow. I want to show them that everyone makes mistakes, but if you learn from them LOOK at what you can achieve! I want them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me or even worse hate me. Most of all I want them to always feel like I listen to them and love them no matter what they choose.
For some time I have been in line watching my children ride the roller coaster. Sending them off to their Dad's and waiting for them to come home. I have figured out I don't have ride. I don't have to feel all the pain they feel and be angry like them, but I legally still have to send them and wait. I have also tried not to color their opinions about their Dad with mine, but how do you tell your children that it is okay if they don't have their own room, their own clothes, that they have no say about where they go or if they even spend a whole day with their Dad, that if their step-mom has a blow up to just try and go to a neutral corner because the one person who should defend them sides with her? I was lucky and my biological father let me off his roller coaster ride. He allowed me to make the choice many times and I can't tell you how much I agonized over that choice. I tried to tell my ex-husband that just because the boys make that choice right now doesn't mean his circumstances might not change or their tolerance level will increase and they will change their mind, but he isn't going to go on the ride without them. He refuses to let them take a break, so they are now making excuses like they are sick or seeing how far he will go to keep them. They conned him into letting them bring over their electronics this time, but I have a feeling the next weekend they will be told that the electronics are not allowed since there is no three hour car ride happening. He promises them outrageous things like cruises and cars when they come of age. I feel like at some point the roller coaster is headed for a treacherous derailment with no way to warn them. Is there no closed for repairs sign? Doesn't he see the warning signs?
I had both boys answer some written questions about how they felt about the divorce and each place they live before I talked to their Dad the last time. I felt they were honest and it drilled home to me the reality that both of them really just like to complain, but when it comes down to the wire they were doing okay. I feel that for them they still want to ride, just not all the time. I think that is pretty typical of life. Rides are fun sometimes, drama is exciting sometimes, stress is inevitable, but when it is all you do, see and live....you want to change it. I think it's time I got out of line and take the kids home.
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