In my thirteen years as a parent, I have learned some things. I have learned I don't know everything. I've learned there are many solutions to one problem. I have learned you never give dairy to a kid with a sour stomach no matter how much they cry for it. I have learned you never get white carpet. Most of all I have learned what unconditional love really is and that children are little people not dolls you can control. I have learned you must not only teach them with words, but with actions. YOUR ACTIONS when you don't even think they are listening or looking. I have learned that my thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions, etc are ultimately going to be mirrored at some point in their lives and I want them to think, feel, act, and make choices that lead them to a healthier and happier life. I have also learned that everyone makes mistakes, but they are worthless unless you can accept them, learn from them, and move forward doing something differently in the future. So, in that light I offer you a test. This is a test to show you if you are ready to be a parent. This is a test that should be completed before you even think about having sex by both partners. This is a test I will someday soon be giving to my 13 year old son so he can hopefully understand that his decisions will not only affect him, his partner, any future offspring, me, our entire family and the world. This is a test to show him we are all connected and we all need to be responsible for our choices.
Here is the test.
1) You are going to the bathroom and you finish the last of the toilet paper roll. Do you replace it with a new roll of toilet paper and put it on the toilet paper roll holder every time?
2) Have you ever not left a tip at a restaurant?
3) Have you ever told another parent they need to do something differently with their child that was misbehaving or after the unruly child left complained about that behavior to the people you were with?
4)Have you ever read a book to a child or babysat children?
5)Does it bother you to have the same song repeated over and over or watch the same commercial five times during the show you are watching?
6)Do you vomit if you see another person vomit?
7)Has someone close to you died and how did you cope with that death?
8)Can you work 24 hours straight for little to no reward?
9)Would you give up everything you own to send another person to college?
10)What do you think being a parent means?
These seem like very trivial questions, but they are not.
Numbers 1 and 2 rate your level of selfishness. If you have ever done these things it shows you are clearly not ready for parenting. You know very well the next person that uses the toilet is going to be left with crap on their hands so to speak and I don't care how crappy a waitress/waiter was those people go home with a negative check after taxes. Even if they got your order wrong, the food was crappy and the mood was generally poor that is one night you didn't have to cook or clean dishes. I would pay ten dollars not to have to cook or clean dishes any night and if you are a parent you would too.
Number 3 rates you on your expectations of parenthood. If you answered yes, you are no where near ready to be a parent! Nothing could be more personal or earth shattering as a parent to hear someone else tell them they are doing something wrong simply because their child has misbehaved in public where they know they can probably get away with it. It also shows how incredibly unrealistic your expectations of your parenting skills will be and boy are you in for a horrible terrible two's.
Number 4. It amazes me that the first time some parents realize they are actually going to be responsible for the daily care of a child is when the baby comes out. Hello? What are you thinking? Take some parenting classes. Even drivers have to take driver's ed to and a learning permit before they get behind the wheel of a car?? Babysit some friends' kids and see if this is really something you want to do. If at the end of the few hours you are totally exhausted and running for the door, chances are you should re-think becoming a parent right now.
Number 5. Infants, kids, teens need and want routine even though they will fight you endlessly not to have it. They want to watch the same Dora the Explorer episode or Barney episode or any other show that makes your skin crawl a million times and they want you to watch it with them. They want the same stuffed animal and if you can't find it good luck sleeping for the next year. Also, unless you are blessed with the gift like selective OCD the routine of parenting can get very boring. Infants, kids and teens need structure and consistency even if they fight you tooth and nail. A small thing like Daylight Savings Time can mess your family up like using salt for sugar. If you can't follow a routine or if you are so rigid you have to have the exact same routine all the time, you might want to skip on parenting.
Number 6. Let's face it, babies puke, spit up, projectile vomit like the Exorcist and kids puke all the time too. If you can't handle being puked on, peed on, shit on and by on I mean in your face, then you need to get a job as a daycare provider and work through your fear before you become a parent. If you can hold a baby in one arm that has crap coming down his leg out of his diaper and watch your two year old puke on the clothes you just laid out on your bed to wear and still have a good day, congrats you are ready to be a parent. For those of you that think I am insane and must have bought cheep diapers please re-read number 3.
Number 7. It is a harsh reality, but even in this day and age children die every day. Some of my best friends have lost their children tragically and it has broken their families into so many pieces. If you have never experienced the death of a close loved one (not that it compares in any way to the loss of a child) you are not ready for parenthood.
Number 8. Parenting is the most thankless tiring and rewarding job you will ever do, but IT IS A JOB!! It is a 24/7 never ending job. It will never end until you die period. The rewards are elusive and if you think you are going to get a thank you for dragging your butt out of bed to get your teenager that has just been caught drinking at an underage party, you are sadly mistaken. If you think infants thank you for anything you are wrong. They eat, sleep, poop over and over and over. They are blessedly cute, but they don't every say thank you. If you think your job is hard and nobody appreciates you, try doing it for free and see how long your want that job. That is parenthood.
Number 9. The reality of this is we are a nation that is firmly in debt. Most of that debt is student loans. You need to think long and hard about how long you want your adult child living with you or long and hard about how you are going to help them afford to go to college, because it may mean a second mortgage on your house.
Number 10. This is the most telling of all. If the testee can write more than one sentence on something they know nothing about, they are not ready to be a parent. You will never be ready for this responsibility no matter how much you think you know about parenting. If they write anything all they fail and they need to really think long and hard about being a parent.
Of course nobody will do this, but I am going to give this test to my sons when they are appropriate. I wish someone had done this for me. I was not ready, but I have learned a lot.
Friday, March 15, 2013
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
Does The Line Start Here?
In the ever changing world of a divorced parent issues abound and crisis can erupt at any moment. The stress is like perpetually waiting to go on the roller coaster when you don't really even want to ride, getting on and finding out it wasn't as bad as you expected or that it was worse, possibly puking and finally the ride is over and the inattentive park attendant directs you to the back of the line to wait until the next ride. For a year now my children have both complained they did not want to go to their Dad's. Several occasions they have refused or manipulated their way into staying home. It affects their health, school work, our time together. Over the past year my attitude regarding their father and the situation that has unfolded with his new partner and her five children, has steadily festered into what it is today. As much as I try to explain to my children that their father loves his new family and he is trying, my words are just sounding flat. The truth is I can't pretend it is okay any more than my children can accept they just have to go, because he is their Dad. Why should they have to accept that his choices are making it impossible for them to spend any time with him? When does he have to realize that what they want matters too? How long do I have to listen to them cry, because they don't feel like they have a father anymore? Where do I draw the line? Do I allow them to draw it?
I have talked to my ex-husband on several occasions and listened to him give me a laundry list of the things he has chosen to take on with his new family. I have expressed my concerns that his children do not feel like a priority to him, repeatedly. After every conversation, I tell both boys to give their Dad a chance to make some changes. The last time we spoke was about two weeks ago. It seems to me the only change that the boys reported was they were now allowed to bring their electronic devices to his house. After I pleaded with my ex-husband to spend more time with his two children, he allows them to play on their iPad and Kindle the whole weekend. He sat on the sidelines and the boys had zero interaction with him alone the entire weekend. While the boys liked finally having something to do, they both are tired of waiting for their Dad to wake up and listen to their requests for more time alone with him. Since my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 10 and they are both active in their own activities, I don't see it getting any easier for him to schedule around his other step-children. Where is the line?
I remember vividly when I decided to stop visitations with my biological father. I was 13 years old, just starting to develop and wear makeup which he hated with a passion. To my Dad, I was still six with a big mouth. Looking back, my father was such a weak individual. He was drug addicted, high school educated, never had any self-worth, and looked at me as the only good thing he had ever done in his whole life (he actually told me that all the time). I looked at my Dad very differently after I turned 13. I started working as a babysitter so I had a little of my own money and a little more freedom. I had lots of friends and junior high was a blast. Not only did I not have anything in common with him, but I simply had better things to do. I really didn't have much to do with my mother or my step-father at that point, but giving up an entire weekend to be with a depressed, drug addicted, scruffy looking biker? I really just told him honestly that I didn't want to see him anymore. I wanted him to stop smoking pot, get a real job, stop being a biker and stop taking me to weird biker hangouts to buy drugs that made me feel incredibly unsafe. I wanted him to grow up and be a role model for me. I also told him (a little later into my 20's) that he was teaching me exactly what NOT to do, for which I am grateful. Most of my parental influences have taught me what I don't want in my life, however that isn't good enough. As a parent, I want to show my boys what is possible if you do the right things and have some dreams you follow. I want to show them that everyone makes mistakes, but if you learn from them LOOK at what you can achieve! I want them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me or even worse hate me. Most of all I want them to always feel like I listen to them and love them no matter what they choose.
For some time I have been in line watching my children ride the roller coaster. Sending them off to their Dad's and waiting for them to come home. I have figured out I don't have ride. I don't have to feel all the pain they feel and be angry like them, but I legally still have to send them and wait. I have also tried not to color their opinions about their Dad with mine, but how do you tell your children that it is okay if they don't have their own room, their own clothes, that they have no say about where they go or if they even spend a whole day with their Dad, that if their step-mom has a blow up to just try and go to a neutral corner because the one person who should defend them sides with her? I was lucky and my biological father let me off his roller coaster ride. He allowed me to make the choice many times and I can't tell you how much I agonized over that choice. I tried to tell my ex-husband that just because the boys make that choice right now doesn't mean his circumstances might not change or their tolerance level will increase and they will change their mind, but he isn't going to go on the ride without them. He refuses to let them take a break, so they are now making excuses like they are sick or seeing how far he will go to keep them. They conned him into letting them bring over their electronics this time, but I have a feeling the next weekend they will be told that the electronics are not allowed since there is no three hour car ride happening. He promises them outrageous things like cruises and cars when they come of age. I feel like at some point the roller coaster is headed for a treacherous derailment with no way to warn them. Is there no closed for repairs sign? Doesn't he see the warning signs?
I had both boys answer some written questions about how they felt about the divorce and each place they live before I talked to their Dad the last time. I felt they were honest and it drilled home to me the reality that both of them really just like to complain, but when it comes down to the wire they were doing okay. I feel that for them they still want to ride, just not all the time. I think that is pretty typical of life. Rides are fun sometimes, drama is exciting sometimes, stress is inevitable, but when it is all you do, see and live....you want to change it. I think it's time I got out of line and take the kids home.
I have talked to my ex-husband on several occasions and listened to him give me a laundry list of the things he has chosen to take on with his new family. I have expressed my concerns that his children do not feel like a priority to him, repeatedly. After every conversation, I tell both boys to give their Dad a chance to make some changes. The last time we spoke was about two weeks ago. It seems to me the only change that the boys reported was they were now allowed to bring their electronic devices to his house. After I pleaded with my ex-husband to spend more time with his two children, he allows them to play on their iPad and Kindle the whole weekend. He sat on the sidelines and the boys had zero interaction with him alone the entire weekend. While the boys liked finally having something to do, they both are tired of waiting for their Dad to wake up and listen to their requests for more time alone with him. Since my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 10 and they are both active in their own activities, I don't see it getting any easier for him to schedule around his other step-children. Where is the line?
I remember vividly when I decided to stop visitations with my biological father. I was 13 years old, just starting to develop and wear makeup which he hated with a passion. To my Dad, I was still six with a big mouth. Looking back, my father was such a weak individual. He was drug addicted, high school educated, never had any self-worth, and looked at me as the only good thing he had ever done in his whole life (he actually told me that all the time). I looked at my Dad very differently after I turned 13. I started working as a babysitter so I had a little of my own money and a little more freedom. I had lots of friends and junior high was a blast. Not only did I not have anything in common with him, but I simply had better things to do. I really didn't have much to do with my mother or my step-father at that point, but giving up an entire weekend to be with a depressed, drug addicted, scruffy looking biker? I really just told him honestly that I didn't want to see him anymore. I wanted him to stop smoking pot, get a real job, stop being a biker and stop taking me to weird biker hangouts to buy drugs that made me feel incredibly unsafe. I wanted him to grow up and be a role model for me. I also told him (a little later into my 20's) that he was teaching me exactly what NOT to do, for which I am grateful. Most of my parental influences have taught me what I don't want in my life, however that isn't good enough. As a parent, I want to show my boys what is possible if you do the right things and have some dreams you follow. I want to show them that everyone makes mistakes, but if you learn from them LOOK at what you can achieve! I want them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me or even worse hate me. Most of all I want them to always feel like I listen to them and love them no matter what they choose.
For some time I have been in line watching my children ride the roller coaster. Sending them off to their Dad's and waiting for them to come home. I have figured out I don't have ride. I don't have to feel all the pain they feel and be angry like them, but I legally still have to send them and wait. I have also tried not to color their opinions about their Dad with mine, but how do you tell your children that it is okay if they don't have their own room, their own clothes, that they have no say about where they go or if they even spend a whole day with their Dad, that if their step-mom has a blow up to just try and go to a neutral corner because the one person who should defend them sides with her? I was lucky and my biological father let me off his roller coaster ride. He allowed me to make the choice many times and I can't tell you how much I agonized over that choice. I tried to tell my ex-husband that just because the boys make that choice right now doesn't mean his circumstances might not change or their tolerance level will increase and they will change their mind, but he isn't going to go on the ride without them. He refuses to let them take a break, so they are now making excuses like they are sick or seeing how far he will go to keep them. They conned him into letting them bring over their electronics this time, but I have a feeling the next weekend they will be told that the electronics are not allowed since there is no three hour car ride happening. He promises them outrageous things like cruises and cars when they come of age. I feel like at some point the roller coaster is headed for a treacherous derailment with no way to warn them. Is there no closed for repairs sign? Doesn't he see the warning signs?
I had both boys answer some written questions about how they felt about the divorce and each place they live before I talked to their Dad the last time. I felt they were honest and it drilled home to me the reality that both of them really just like to complain, but when it comes down to the wire they were doing okay. I feel that for them they still want to ride, just not all the time. I think that is pretty typical of life. Rides are fun sometimes, drama is exciting sometimes, stress is inevitable, but when it is all you do, see and live....you want to change it. I think it's time I got out of line and take the kids home.
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