In my thirteen years as a parent, I have learned some things. I have learned I don't know everything. I've learned there are many solutions to one problem. I have learned you never give dairy to a kid with a sour stomach no matter how much they cry for it. I have learned you never get white carpet. Most of all I have learned what unconditional love really is and that children are little people not dolls you can control. I have learned you must not only teach them with words, but with actions. YOUR ACTIONS when you don't even think they are listening or looking. I have learned that my thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions, etc are ultimately going to be mirrored at some point in their lives and I want them to think, feel, act, and make choices that lead them to a healthier and happier life. I have also learned that everyone makes mistakes, but they are worthless unless you can accept them, learn from them, and move forward doing something differently in the future. So, in that light I offer you a test. This is a test to show you if you are ready to be a parent. This is a test that should be completed before you even think about having sex by both partners. This is a test I will someday soon be giving to my 13 year old son so he can hopefully understand that his decisions will not only affect him, his partner, any future offspring, me, our entire family and the world. This is a test to show him we are all connected and we all need to be responsible for our choices.
Here is the test.
1) You are going to the bathroom and you finish the last of the toilet paper roll. Do you replace it with a new roll of toilet paper and put it on the toilet paper roll holder every time?
2) Have you ever not left a tip at a restaurant?
3) Have you ever told another parent they need to do something differently with their child that was misbehaving or after the unruly child left complained about that behavior to the people you were with?
4)Have you ever read a book to a child or babysat children?
5)Does it bother you to have the same song repeated over and over or watch the same commercial five times during the show you are watching?
6)Do you vomit if you see another person vomit?
7)Has someone close to you died and how did you cope with that death?
8)Can you work 24 hours straight for little to no reward?
9)Would you give up everything you own to send another person to college?
10)What do you think being a parent means?
These seem like very trivial questions, but they are not.
Numbers 1 and 2 rate your level of selfishness. If you have ever done these things it shows you are clearly not ready for parenting. You know very well the next person that uses the toilet is going to be left with crap on their hands so to speak and I don't care how crappy a waitress/waiter was those people go home with a negative check after taxes. Even if they got your order wrong, the food was crappy and the mood was generally poor that is one night you didn't have to cook or clean dishes. I would pay ten dollars not to have to cook or clean dishes any night and if you are a parent you would too.
Number 3 rates you on your expectations of parenthood. If you answered yes, you are no where near ready to be a parent! Nothing could be more personal or earth shattering as a parent to hear someone else tell them they are doing something wrong simply because their child has misbehaved in public where they know they can probably get away with it. It also shows how incredibly unrealistic your expectations of your parenting skills will be and boy are you in for a horrible terrible two's.
Number 4. It amazes me that the first time some parents realize they are actually going to be responsible for the daily care of a child is when the baby comes out. Hello? What are you thinking? Take some parenting classes. Even drivers have to take driver's ed to and a learning permit before they get behind the wheel of a car?? Babysit some friends' kids and see if this is really something you want to do. If at the end of the few hours you are totally exhausted and running for the door, chances are you should re-think becoming a parent right now.
Number 5. Infants, kids, teens need and want routine even though they will fight you endlessly not to have it. They want to watch the same Dora the Explorer episode or Barney episode or any other show that makes your skin crawl a million times and they want you to watch it with them. They want the same stuffed animal and if you can't find it good luck sleeping for the next year. Also, unless you are blessed with the gift like selective OCD the routine of parenting can get very boring. Infants, kids and teens need structure and consistency even if they fight you tooth and nail. A small thing like Daylight Savings Time can mess your family up like using salt for sugar. If you can't follow a routine or if you are so rigid you have to have the exact same routine all the time, you might want to skip on parenting.
Number 6. Let's face it, babies puke, spit up, projectile vomit like the Exorcist and kids puke all the time too. If you can't handle being puked on, peed on, shit on and by on I mean in your face, then you need to get a job as a daycare provider and work through your fear before you become a parent. If you can hold a baby in one arm that has crap coming down his leg out of his diaper and watch your two year old puke on the clothes you just laid out on your bed to wear and still have a good day, congrats you are ready to be a parent. For those of you that think I am insane and must have bought cheep diapers please re-read number 3.
Number 7. It is a harsh reality, but even in this day and age children die every day. Some of my best friends have lost their children tragically and it has broken their families into so many pieces. If you have never experienced the death of a close loved one (not that it compares in any way to the loss of a child) you are not ready for parenthood.
Number 8. Parenting is the most thankless tiring and rewarding job you will ever do, but IT IS A JOB!! It is a 24/7 never ending job. It will never end until you die period. The rewards are elusive and if you think you are going to get a thank you for dragging your butt out of bed to get your teenager that has just been caught drinking at an underage party, you are sadly mistaken. If you think infants thank you for anything you are wrong. They eat, sleep, poop over and over and over. They are blessedly cute, but they don't every say thank you. If you think your job is hard and nobody appreciates you, try doing it for free and see how long your want that job. That is parenthood.
Number 9. The reality of this is we are a nation that is firmly in debt. Most of that debt is student loans. You need to think long and hard about how long you want your adult child living with you or long and hard about how you are going to help them afford to go to college, because it may mean a second mortgage on your house.
Number 10. This is the most telling of all. If the testee can write more than one sentence on something they know nothing about, they are not ready to be a parent. You will never be ready for this responsibility no matter how much you think you know about parenting. If they write anything all they fail and they need to really think long and hard about being a parent.
Of course nobody will do this, but I am going to give this test to my sons when they are appropriate. I wish someone had done this for me. I was not ready, but I have learned a lot.
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