Well another year of school is in full swing now. For the first time in my children's lives I did not take them to school on the first day. It pissed me off. The first day of school is like decorating the Christmas tree. It's mine. It seems like the older the kids get the more excluded either I or my ex-husband is from these events. I try to be nice and take the high road, but I'll have to admit sometimes the high road is paved with shit bricks and I hate it. I know I will have to find a way to get over missing some of these events or it will drive me insane. This year I have no picture for their first day. I took pictures on the third day, but admittedly, it wasn't the same. Do I blame my ex-husband for taking that moment away from me? Yes and no. I don't blame him a bit for regretting that he has never taken time off from work and wanted to experience that thrill of watching them go off all excited on a new adventure. I do blame him for not thinking about my feelings or helping to prepare them for that first day. I purchased the supplies, the backpacks, the shoes and clothes and then he swoops in and takes a few days off so he can steal my time?? Right, I'm not past it yet.
I know it my heart of hearts he was only wanting time with his kids. I can never blame him for that. In fact, I am truly glad he sees this as a significant time for them. I'm glad it all worked out well and they had a great first day of school. I missed them horribly and stressed so badly about the entire thing, but that was my fault. I put myself through that hell. It is really just one more reminder that I am going to have to let go a little more every year. I have to let go of my expectations and just celebrate that they are happy and thriving little people. I have to let go of what I see as "my time". It is their time, the kids' time. It isn't about who they choose or who they love the most, because I know they love me and their Dad and there is enough love to go around even if I can't physically see it at the time. I have to trust in my kids that they can handle what ever might come up while they are away from me. That is what Junior High is, a transition.
I see my family in this transition. It's awkward and difficult with really ugly and unexpected things going on. They are requiring more privacy, but also more intimacy. They want to know what I'm thinking and I have to really think about what I'm saying. My kids have more complex worries and I'm so happy they feel comfortable talking to me, especially since they are boys. I have to find ways to relate to them on a semi-adult level but also remember to have fun. We have decided to coach my youngest's soccer team to spend some extra time together. I find myself talking to them about consequences and how to make good choices, but admitting that it is hard to know what is right all the time. Some times I don't think there even is a right or a wrong, and how do you explain that to children? Life is not fair? I hated that when I was younger! Nothing gets a teenager madder than, "I'm sorry the answer is no, because I said so." I hate to say no, but I do like to negotiate. I like finding a common ground with the boys and letting them make choices. Now if I can only make myself stop worrying long enough to let them endure the consequences. I am grateful for this transition period between now and 18. I am fully aware that I need some practice at letting go. Deep down I don't want to let them go, but I know they will be back. Teenagers always run out of money, thank goodness.
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