The love relationship I'm in has been frustrating and difficult. One of the most difficult things about it is that when it is great, it is really great but when it isn't it sucks like a Dyson on steroids. Step-parenting is not something I am ready for and increasingly neither is sharing my house. I have also come to the heart-breaking conclusion that I do not want to get married again ever. I don't want to be responsible for the care, commitment or sharing of another person's financial, emotional, health and well being for the rest of my life. Selfish? Damn right! I can barely figure out what I want to eat for dinner let alone commit to spending the rest of my life with someone. I want to be happy, but most of all I want to be free to figure that out and it seems like when I'm in a relationship it's mostly either one person is happy and the other one is just saying they are happy even though they would rather just punch you in the throat, or you are both fighting. I'm tired of fighting period. I'm tired of trying to negotiate. I'm pretty much just tired, but especially of trying to please anybody else.
I often wonder why it is that I have such a hard time having a good relationship. I know I didn't have the best role models and that I'm moody, stubborn, mouthy, over-protective, and mean at times, but I'm also a good mother, caring, devoted, loving, strong, independent, smart and creative. I never have trouble finding people to hang out with. I have many wonderful friends of both sexes. I'm social, but I honestly struggle with intimacy. I don't trust easily, especially if the people have burnt me in the past. I feel as though I state my needs clearly, but I know that sometimes I have let people take advantage of me and then resented them. I learned a lot about myself through the process of my divorce and I feel like I'm more open and honest in this relationship, but it only makes things harder. Standing your ground and demanding a partnership is impossible unless both parties agree to the constraints of being a partner. I am finding that most people really want to be taken care of, not take responsibility for their own happiness.
My expectations are these:
1. Shared financial responsibility
2. Shared daily maintenance of the property.
3. Be kind or if that isn't possible apologize.
4. Think of the other person's needs.
5. Communicate.
It is that simple. If you don't pay half the utilities then you are taking advantage of your partner. If you leave toothpaste and hair in the sink and piss on the toilet for more than a week, you are taking advantage of your partner. If you then complain about your partner not making dinner one evening after they bought said food in the fridge, you are being mean and you should apologize. If you don't apologize then you are not communicating or thinking of your partner's needs. You are being a selfish jerk and you should do the world a favor and live alone. If this happens on a regular basis and the same things keep coming up over and over you should get therapy, because you are a pathologically selfish person and are not mature enough for a relationship. Constantly taking advantage of the people you are supposed love is wrong even if those people love you so much they let you. Sometimes sorry won't fix things and I am so tired of walking around broken.
I see some couples that have a great relationship and a genuine friendship. I see young lovers getting engaged and they seem so happy and I have to admit I 'm so damn jealous. I'm bitter and jaded and I'm very sure this will never happen to me again. I know all these things are a choice I have made and trust is something I'm working on, but I honestly have lost all faith in marriage. I see my parents' divorce after 32 years, their friends dealing with diseases like Alzheimer's, cancer and stroke spending their retirement caring for a person they don't even know anymore and it scares the life out of me. I see my Grandmother crying and alone on this tiny fixed income. I have no idea what the future brings, but I would rather just worry about myself. I don't think I have enough time to build the love and lasting memories that would carry me through changing a feeding tube or a bed pan. And if my partner can't take out the damn trash or do his own laundry now, how could I trust him to care for me if I suddenly had a stroke? I miss that carefree attitude that allowed me to think marriage was forever. I despise people that can face that kind of commitment with joy. I get emotional looking at wedding dresses or bridal suites knowing there is no happiness for me there. Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I feel watching a happy couple while I pick apart every movement they make looking for some indication of future doom. Am I ruined? Do I hate marriage?
I did love a quote I heard, not sure exactly where, but it said if you want to get married be marriage material. I honestly don't think I'm there yet. I know to commit your life to someone you have to be able to trust them. The only one I trust at this point is myself and some days that is even pushing it. Without those five things there is no way I can trust a person. Those requirements are fluid and I learned enough to know that nobody is perfect, but I seem to be able to hold up my end of the partnership. Do I have unreasonable expectations? I also felt like wiping the piss off the toilet seat was a reasonable expectation, but much to my disappointment it seems this IS unrealistic according to 7 out of 10 men that I poled. I am working on not sweating some of the small stuff and apologizing more. It turns out most people are not marriage material which would support the current divorce statistics.
At 41 I think I am just going to focus on the most important things in my life which are my children. Being a good mom makes me happier than any red rose. I take more time for myself now they are older and it feels good. A few moments of loneliness seems a small price to pay for peace. Maybe someday I will be "marriage material", but for now I am a huge quilt that seems strange and interesting to the people who haven't seen it and comforting to the ones who have grown up covered by it's love.
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