The Ocean

It's been a little while since I posted.  I started grad school, but that isn't the real reason.  I have been dealing with another round of fall out.  It's different this time.  Funny how the effect of divorce is like the ocean.  It's always there, wave after wave.  In fact the ocean just seems to be my metaphor for life in general.  Deep, mysterious, wondrous, full of miraculous creatures mostly misunderstood that could kill you, yet you can't help but be drawn to it.  Sometimes you want to just dive in, explore, swim in the warm clear water, but other times the darkness and fear of the unknown keeps us building sand castles on the beach.  Sometimes the danger lurking out there under the guise of a beautiful day isn't enough to risk feeling the water.

What do you tell your children about that darkness?  Be careful, don't go out too far?  We all know that is crap because most shark attacks happen close to the beach.  It isn't safe.  The ocean, the world, the playground, their Dad's house all of it has the potential to hurt them.  You can get hit by a car crossing the street. Shit happens.  Shit is happening every damn day.  They have to decide whether it is worth the risk to be brave.  My youngest son is having a real problem being brave right now.  As a Mother, I have an extreme problem watching him suffer.  I can rationalize all of it.  We all can.  He needs to learn how to deal with people.  He needs to learn that pain is temporary and he is strong.  He needs to develop confidence that he can handle what ever live throws his way.  What if he can't?  What if I'm wrong?  What if he decides it is just too much?  I have at times.  When do you take their hand and march into the water anyway?

Al I know is to tell him what I have learned.  You survive.  You never know what is around the corner.  We might win the lotto tomorrow?  What if I'm wrong?  What if it is just one crappy day after the next, on and on, until you die?  Choices are all you have.  This is the best I have.  This is pathetic.  I need something good for him.  I need to show him that there is so much good in this world that he doesn't want to miss it!  I need to make him feel all this love I have in my heart for him, but there is just no way to do that.  You can never ever imagine how much other people love you or what you mean to them.  If we could we would never self destruct.  We simply wouldn't want to hurt those people so badly.  He is struggling to swim, how can I sit on the beach while he is drowning?  I can't.  I jump in looking for anything to explain.  He is a good swimmer.  Why is he struggling?

When your children are born we want to show them everything about the world.  We want to fill their brains with knowledge and show them the universe.  What if when we do we are really just hanging a carrot in front of their nose?  Here is this wonderful world out there that I have no money to take you to.  You can look, but don't touch.  I feel like we teach them all the wrong things.  I made little explorers out of my children and the divorce just keeps them caged into a little space.  They are bored with life, bored with school, bored with their lives always being like this.  We keep trying to find things that are interesting to us just to have something to talk about.  How do we break this cycle?  It isn't like we don't appreciate what we have, it is almost that we appreciate it is all we have.  It is all that is real.  It is all we can trust.  They know I don't trust anyone else.  I can see they only trust me, but the more I push them or drag them into the ocean even for their own good, the trust is washed away.  I need that trust.  I need to trust that I am doing a good job as a parent.  I need some calm water, but all around me the tide is rising.

Standing on the beach with my back to the ocean, I can feel the pull.