Have you ever met someone that you just instantly knew you were going to really REALLY like? Then after a month or two you decided you loved them so completely that the world began when they were with you and ended when they weren't? The way they laugh, their voice, their eyes and that smile that makes you feel like the entire universe has opened up and given you the best gift. Holding them makes you feel at peace and you never want another second to pass. Talking to them about nothing, but laughing about everything and the more you learn about them, the more you want them? A physical attraction bordering on hunger and a emotional connection that you can actually feel that person thinking of you and you text the same thing at the same time more than once.
Then have you had that person suddenly and horribly stolen from you? I had a six month "relationship" with a man that I truly loved and would have done anything for, but then I learned he had never really existed at all. Everything I had known about him was a lie. The lies kept coming and coming until the man I knew was a ghost except he was still standing there talking, telling me horrible things I did not want to ever hear. My relationship with the fictional man I was in love with ended and a new relationship began that was twisted and wrong. Thankfully it was short lived and no permanent damage was done. I couldn't continue with the lies. It only took me a little while to wake up from my nightmare, pick up my dignity, and leave. At least that is the way I'm going to remember it.
He haunts me all the time this ghost. I think about him when I'm doing things we liked to do, every time I get a french manicure, and when I pass places we used to meet for lunch or the bar where we first met. I know his cologne and I smell it in the department stores. The songs he used to play for me on his guitar still make me cry. All these things I feel for a man that never existed. The truth was he was a liar. I can't believe a word he said to me, yet I want to so badly that it physically makes me sick. I haven't spoken to the man in a long time even though I could talk to him right now, but it would be like a seance, fake and unnatural.
How do you get closure for a relationship that never really existed? I wish I had never met this liar at all. It's like winning a trip and then getting on a plane that crashes. I feel so ridiculous and betrayed. I feel cheated. Even though I've moved on and met a wonderful real man that I also truly love, I can't help thinking about my ghost. Remembering all the feelings and his kisses. It wasn't real, but why do I still feel like this? I guess it's just my memory of something so perfect that I want it to keep going even though it was over from the very first second he said hello. It leaves me numb. I can't even hate him. I want the memory to go away like the "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind". I keep telling my heart to stop breaking, but he hurt me. He hurt me! I know I learned something from this, but I'll be damned of I can tell you exactly what. I already appreciated honestly enough, I don't think I needed this. This was like a kick in the teeth while I was laying on the ground covered in my own piss watching someone go through my wallet and steal my last five dollars. Then finding out they also stole your credit cards and every once in awhile something pops up you have to fix. Why won't he just fade away?
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