How do you teach a man to be romantic? How do you teach your teenage son to be romantic or should you? As a single woman, I sometimes dream of being romanced. Although, I haven't a clue exactly what that would entail. You see, I'm not very romantic by nature. I'm practical and fiercely independent. I'm not really the wait for the door to be opened for me kind of woman, but when it does happen, I gladly say thanks. I don't think many women I know expect to be romanced anymore. We don't carry handkerchiefs to slyly drop in hopes a willing suitor will pick it up and introduce himself. I only received flowers once or twice in my entire dating history on the first date and never on the second. I don't really think the younger crowd gets the concept of "dating" let alone being romanced and by younger crowd I mean people under the age of twenty-five. I have received some very poetic and sweet emails, and I think this behavior might explain the phenomena I like to call "internet crushing". I have had a few internet crushes in my time. You know they aren't real, but they are very intensely romantic. In the real world, they almost never measure up to the expectations you dreamed up in your mind. I do however have a very active and vivid imagination. I love the idea of being a romantic person and being romanced by a person. I enjoy doing nice things for those people I love like leaving notes for them to find in their lunches I've packed or arranging a surprise outing like a picnic. I think picnics are romantic, but I once planned one for a gentleman and was told that his knees hurt and the food was too hot. A little low on the romantic meter! What do guys think romance is? Does something "romantic" have to be romantic for both people to actually end up being perceived as romance?
I really feel that romance is doing something for someone for no other reason than to make them feel special. It is an expression of how you feel about that person in your heart. Unfortunately, some of us have non-creative, goofy or twisted hearts that don't quite see romance in the same way "normal" people might. This is okay, it is just that romance can be tricky. Is it romantic that I buy my fiance a special shampoo that he really likes and give him pedicures? I think so. Is it romantic that he likes to name his Dungeon & Dragons female characters after me? I think it could be if they weren't all demonic and weird. I rather enjoy the fact that he is thinking about me so much that it spills over into his other activities, but do I necessarily think it's romantic? No, but I guess I should.
I firmly believe that romance is a lost art that will most likely die forever due to the Women's Movement, pornography, and the invention of the internet, but there are some hopeless romantics out there. A friend of mine's husband sends her flowers almost weekly because he misses her as a long haul truck driver. I hear stories of romantic proposals and see them on the internet and they remind me that romance isn't dead altogether. My son picks weeds for me from time to time in the lot behind our house and brings me flowers he has picked. I hope he continues to find ways to be romantic to his future mates. I try to instill in my boys a sense that doing things for others just simply to make them happy is not just a simple kind gesture, but that it goes a long way in building a solid relationship.
One problem with romance is the commercial aspect of things sold under the label of being romantic. I don't think it really matters what you buy a person. A simple poem or a handwritten card saying "I love you" is very romantic to me. I never bought into the idea that being romantic had to cost a person a fortune. When I want to be in a romantic mood, I envision candle light, soft music, a nice meal or snack and then an activity that I think that person will enjoy that might include a foot massage or neck rub or a movie we both like. Flowers sent to work with an invitation for a date is very romantic gesture. I think the best present you can give someone is attention! Put the phone away, go for a walk, and just let that person know that he/she is the most important thing in the world to you. So many times I think people send things to make up for time they aren't spending with the people they care about. Texting isn't romantic! I don't care what you text, but it is the laziest form of communication ever and will never replace an actual face to face smile.
Videos, movies and TV have ruined romance for the average man. What woman wouldn't want to be swept away on a helicopter ride overlooking Maui? Shows like the Bachelor and other reality TV dating shows make me want to puke and what's worse? They are all fake looking for their fifteen minutes of fame and using the guise of a lasting relationship. It has nothing to do with romance and doing something only to make someone happy! They have distorted romance into some weird junior high popularity contest. The helicopter rides and vacation destinations don't happen in real life. Prince charming is more likely your neighbor who came over and sharpened your mover blades after he saw you struggling for hours trying to mow your lawn in 110 degree heat. Princess Charming is the gal who didn't care if you were making six figures or lived with your parents and was just happy you called her back the next day. I think we take for granted the small gestures and our expectations of romance are unrealistic. Like Julia Roberts said in Pretty Woman, "I want the fairytale." Well Julia, me too and when monkey's fly outta my butt...
One very important obstacle to romance is timing. A man can have the most wonderful evening planned and come home to his haggard wife that has been puked on, pissed on, listened to screaming kids all day and finally got them all down for a nap so she can take a shower for the first time that day and ruin all his plans for romance. Planning a romantic event takes work! So many times a man plans something wonderful only to have it fall apart at game time. My advice? Don't plan something huge, do something small all the time.
Like I mentioned, I have a fiance and I try to do small things for him on a regular basis. Even if it's just getting the kind of toothpaste he likes, I pay attention to what he likes! He is far from a Don Juan, but he does try and I appreciate his efforts. However, one place he had an epic fail was his proposal. It was a non-proposal in fact. I got a ring for Christmas and have not yet received an acceptable proposal. Do I expect a bended-knee profession of his never ending love by the Eiffel Tower? Hell yes! Am I going to get it, probably not. Will I marry him? I guess we'll have to wait and see, but I took the ring all the same because I love him. My fear is that, like my previous marriage, it will hold no romance because I allowed my mate to think this was acceptable when frankly, it is not. I don't need roses every week, or a trip to Maui, or even Paris. I do need him to bring me flowers sometimes though and I would like to take a vacation so that we can spend one on one time together away from school, work and other pressures of daily life. I want him to dance with me in our living room to his prized recording of Sinatra. I want him to make a candle light dinner for me. I worry that this will become another deal breaker a few years from now. What if he never brings me any more flowers, or sends me any love notes, or only calls me when he needs toilet paper? If he failed so miserably at a marriage proposal, is this a sign of things to come? Isn't a marriage proposal one of the best times to do something romantic? AND he told me he got my ring on sale! I know I'm being a total woman about this and honestly our budget wasn't anything to be bragging about at the time, but you NEVER tell your fiance you cheeped out on her engagement ring! ANTI-ROMANTIC!!!! I know his personality and I realize he was proud that he saved quite a bit of money, but like I relayed to him, "Tell it to your friends, your Dad, or even the salesperson, but you should have NEVER told me!" Even if it was just a Christmas present, I would never tell someone I saved money on something I purchased for them. I know only I can decide if he is sincere in his proposal, but I have to admit I threw the red flag.
Returning to my original question, how do you teach someone to be romantic? My fiance is a genius and I mean that literally. He has a genius IQ. He also has ADD and the biggest heart. I love him dearly, but I really would love him to be more romantic. I would love to be more romantic. What if anything has anyone tried and succeeded regarding romance? I would love to hear your stories of romantic gestures and suggestions! Here's to Romance!!
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