I tried to move some of my holiday decorations out of the storage closet in my mother's house before Thanksgiving and also clear the air a little between us and our on-going debate over why she is always mean to my boyfriends. My argument is this, if you invite someone over to your home, be nice. Don't look at them like they just crapped on your floor, don't analyze every word out of their mouth, and do not under any circumstance make them feel like they shouldn't be there! After a lengthy conversation, my mother and I decided I would tell her when she was "doing it" at Thanksgiving and she would think about what had just happened and we would discuss it later. I have zero confidence that this will happen, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to make it stop. She has pretty much done this with all the men I've had in my life. No man is ever good enough for me. While that is so sweet in a mommy dearest kind of way, it doesn't help me in my relationships and it is not true. My friends male or female have every right to accompany me if they are invited and I really hate that my mother can be so rude and insane. I truly think she is unaware of her behavior, but it does make it awkward for me. If I had treated her company like she has treated some of mine, she would have thrown me out on my butt! She thinks I am the same way with her friends. Friends that are alcoholics and are too drunk to notice if I'm even there. Even those friends I have been cordial too. She, on the other hand, has made my boyfriends feel like never coming back on several occasions.
One incident occurred on 4th of July and she did acknowledge that she knew she had hurt his feelings, but didn't do it intentionally. She was relating a conversation that she had with my youngest son. Evidently the teacher had asked him if the boyfriend was his father and my son had said, "No, that is just Jason." While we are not married, we have discussed it and because of financial and other things have decided to decide that issue another time, but he lives with us. This is another point of contention with my mother. Not that she believes living together before marriage is wrong, just that she doesn't want any man living with me and my children. Her conscious decision to relate that story in front of him was rude. He absolutely wants to be their step-dad. He is trying very hard to fit in as a step-parent and it is not easy! He questions what he does constantly and read books about being a step-parent. For her to say that my son told her he was "just Jason" was very hurtful and she even admitted that she saw his expression and knew she had hurt his feelings. I asked her why she didn't say something and she gave me a chicken-shit answer that she really didn't think it was that big of a deal. Honestly, it wasn't but when something like this happens every time you visit it turns into a big deal. She constantly makes him feel his is easily replaced and not a part of our family.
Another incident happened while I was still living at my mother's house. I met my current boyfriend, Jason, at that time and moved in with him after moving from her house. I would never have been able to get back on my feel as quickly without his help. He was also divorced and living with his parents to save money while getting his masters. There was over a 45 minute drive between us and he would stay over when the kids were at their dads. This made her upset, but it made her even more upset when he stayed over one evening when the kids were there. Both kids were asleep on a different floor, they didn't know he was there and never mentioned anything to me about him being there. This was almost six months after we had started dating and were going to move in together. My mother game me an ultimatum, I was 38 years old at the time, that I would not have any men over past nine on the nights the boys were there or I could move out. I told her fine. The very next night her friends one female and one male that she had slept with were in the garage, drinking and watching movies until 12 am. I know because I was trying to sleep and so were my kids and could not because they were drunk and having a great time. To this day she says she was justified with her ultimatum because I wasn't paying her half the expenses. I was divorced, raising two kids, getting 162.00 a month in child support, paying an attorney, working a minimum wage job when she begged me to co-sign on a 152,000.00 home with a pool she couldn't afford. I refused until she had a nervous breakdown and I finally agreed knowing it was a huge mistake. Needless to say she kicked me out of the house because she did not want my boyfriend over there. She claims she was so worried about the children, but denies any of her behavior was wrong. So, to say he is a little uncomfortable with my mother would be an understatement. He is always polite and respectful to her, all I was asking was for her to return the favor. I even explained to her the reason why he had slept over and that it was my fault. She claims she talked to him and explained to him that she couldn't afford for him to take a shower and live there unless he was paying rent. Let me just tell you that I moved out because her house was a party house and my ex-husband threatened to take my kids away if I stayed there any longer. She has and never will admit that she was a bad influence on them as much or more than I while living there. It was a hard time for both of us being newly divorced. I resolved to disagree with her on this incident, but I don't and never will agree that because I didn't pay her enough rent money (which by the way I paid her by buying groceries that all her friends were welcome to, free hair and nail services, all my pictures, home decor, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, cleaning, etc. that I get no credit for although she still has them all) to live there. It was a bad situation and I have moved out and moved on, but she still holds it against my boyfriend when he was possibly the least to blame and more concerned about the children that she will ever know.
I don't really understand how to get her to see my side of the equation. Let's say she hates my boyfriend. I don't really care and it isn't any of her business. I'm 40 years old and I get to run my life. If she ever found anyone she wanted to have a relationship with, trust me if they made her happy, I would be happy. I have told her repeatedly, I don't care what you think of him, but I don't want to be uncomfortable when I bring him around and if I am.... guess what? I'm going to stop coming around. She has said all my life she just wants me to be happy. How can I be happy when every time I am happy, I can't share it with my family. It isn't just my mom either, my sister is down right nasty to anybody that tries to join the family. Anything he says or does she automatically hates. Why do they have so little confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and tell men what is acceptable to me that they feel they have to defend me. I know most of you think this is what families do, but is that true? Do your siblings after three years ask you if HE is coming? He has a name and yes, he is part of my family. My sister's husband is a loving man, but not who I would have picked. I have nothing in common with him, but I can see the love he has for her and their children. He used to be addicted to cocaine, used to be jobless and homeless, and has health issues because of his hard life. I have never judged him or made him feel like a freak when he talks about hunting or fishing. I have been supportive of him when they were having rough times and she was going through post pardum depression. I don't understand how she can look at him like he just slapped me across the face every time we walk into the house. My brother has been the nicest to him of all, but he isn't around that much and has nothing in common with my boyfriend. He at least is nice though.
The only justification I can muster in a defense to my family is they don't realize they are doing it. They have always done it. Our family is dysfunctional and cold when it comes to outsiders. We don't trust easily and we are quick to exclude out of fear. We aren't touchy feely and we don't hug. Sometimes we don't even talk for weeks at a time. I know this is how we have always been, but I have been working so hard to be open and honest with people that it is easier for me to take my boyfriend to my friends houses than to my own family functions. It makes me dread the holidays. It makes me want to send the kids and stay home. I know I can't do that so I hope my family is serious that they will listen if I say, "you're doing it again." I hope they won't start a huge scene, but if they do I will handle it calmly and maturely. I will tell them their behavior is unacceptable to me and we will leave. I'm tired of having to divide up my life into what other people will accept and if you can't accept my choice of who I am in a relationship with then you can't accept me.
I'm 40 years old and I'm tired of changing who I am to fit in with my family. I'm not what they expect me to be, but I know they love me. I don't expect them to love the people I love, but they can be nice to them. So, as I go to yet another holiday like a sacrificial lamb to slaughter, I am hopeful they will see my happiness and celebrate it. If they choose to wallow in the jealous pit and spread the hate, next year it will be without us.
Happy Thanksgiving
Tuesday, November 20, 2012
Thursday, November 15, 2012
That Is Not In My Job Description....
Okay, so here I am being someone's mother again. Are men really that shallow and selfish that every time they get into a relationship they start forgetting how to pick up clothes, do laundry, make their own personal grooming appointments, dentist appointments, doctor appointments? Or is it just my fault, because I can't help myself? What ever happened to the golden rule? I do those things because I would love to have them done for me! I would love to come home to a house free of floor clutter, the dishes done, cabinets wiped down and dinner ready and I can GUARANTEE a night of good sex EVERY TIME I did, yet does this ever happen? No. Am I a little upset? Yes, hell yes! What is it about me that I end up with a man that not only wants me to make his hair appointment, but then pay for it too? Men that never get their clothes from the dryer to the closet, men that forget to flush the toilet, men that constantly overlook the overflowing trash can and leave their trash everywhere. Men that promise one thing and always let me down, men that use romance as a get out of the dog house free card, and men that I can't respect because of all of the above. Since when did being a life partner morph into being a mother? I can't seem to find the balance in my relationships and I am uncertain if it is my behavior or that I have a broken picker.
I come from a long line of broken pickers. I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves. One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five. For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink. Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too? Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?" Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice. If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either. I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up? If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation? And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex. Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime. I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time. I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache! Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy. Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me. Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom. It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent. Parents need breaks from their children. Children are not partners with their parents. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.
I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men. So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:
1. I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health. You need a doctor, call one. You need a haircut, call a stylist. You need cold medicine, go to Walmart. I am done being your mother and taking care of you. You want my opinion on your hair, no problem. I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health. When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam? NEVER! Right?
2. If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses. This is only for men that may be living with me at some point. In the past I have supported people. No more free rides. If you want to be my partner, be one. Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc. If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to. I will not be your parents and support you. I have two children to support and I do not need another.
3. I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself. My life is pretty good. I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children. I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet. I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends. If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great! If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here. If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self. Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more. Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!
4. I will not do laundry. If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.
5. I will only cook when I'm hungry. If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.
6. PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET! I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet? This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive. I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on. If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man. I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean. This can also be applied to just your general area. If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor. Do men not know what a dustpan is for?
7. This is the last one and it is huge. I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities. If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment. I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance. I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will. I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy. If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted. I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids. I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior. If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required. If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house! All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around. I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.
MAN - male form of adult human species. ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense. I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior. As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love. Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand. Do they have no self respect? Where is their pride? Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants? There is a reason that is funny! It is supposed to be a joke!! I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids. I pay my bills and then some. I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments. I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it. It is a lonely place. I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do. I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises. I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.
PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.
That is my job description.
I come from a long line of broken pickers. I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves. One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five. For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink. Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too? Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?" Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice. If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either. I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up? If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation? And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex. Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime. I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time. I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache! Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy. Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me. Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom. It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent. Parents need breaks from their children. Children are not partners with their parents. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.
I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men. So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:
1. I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health. You need a doctor, call one. You need a haircut, call a stylist. You need cold medicine, go to Walmart. I am done being your mother and taking care of you. You want my opinion on your hair, no problem. I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health. When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam? NEVER! Right?
2. If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses. This is only for men that may be living with me at some point. In the past I have supported people. No more free rides. If you want to be my partner, be one. Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc. If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to. I will not be your parents and support you. I have two children to support and I do not need another.
3. I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself. My life is pretty good. I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children. I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet. I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends. If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great! If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here. If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self. Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more. Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!
4. I will not do laundry. If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.
5. I will only cook when I'm hungry. If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.
6. PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET! I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet? This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive. I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on. If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man. I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean. This can also be applied to just your general area. If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor. Do men not know what a dustpan is for?
7. This is the last one and it is huge. I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities. If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment. I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance. I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will. I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy. If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted. I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids. I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior. If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required. If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house! All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around. I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.
MAN - male form of adult human species. ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense. I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior. As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love. Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand. Do they have no self respect? Where is their pride? Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants? There is a reason that is funny! It is supposed to be a joke!! I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids. I pay my bills and then some. I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments. I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it. It is a lonely place. I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do. I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises. I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.
PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.
That is my job description.
Monday, November 12, 2012
Good Girl vs. Bad Girl
I was getting my hair cut the other day and for some reason became incredibly convinced I needed to drastically change my style. My hairstylist just laughed and asked, "Where did that girl come from?" There she was staring me in the face with an awesome smile and a great cut! I love her and there is no way I could live without her, but SHE is a bad girl. She is unpredictable, bat-shit crazy, and cocky! Does that make me bad? Am I a wolf in sheep's clothing?
An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore." Really? I was a bad girl? I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl. Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!
Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear? The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud? Well, I do. When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name. She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner. She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends. She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her. She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion! I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.
I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married? That bad girl was a very selfish girl! I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't. I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies. I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone. Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person. What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"? Is it getting married? Is it getting older and having kids? I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage. Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother. I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times. Where is the line? When does fun cross over to the dark side?
I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose. I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties. I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive. I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times. I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore. Even bad girls grow up and evolve. I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her. I need her! She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity! All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy! I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good. I have always seen things in the gray. There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth. Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.
Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything. When you lie you risk your integrity. The worst thing I did was lie to myself. I was risking my life by fooling myself. I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret. Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions. While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good. Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices. By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to be a pirate, I was trying to be good! I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart. I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife. I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology. I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate. Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.
Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl. I keep my hair crazy. I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable. I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all). I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off. I get artificial nails. I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner. I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in. I send my fiance sexy texts. I flirt. If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences. I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed. I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads. I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on. Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is. Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.
An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore." Really? I was a bad girl? I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl. Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!
Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear? The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud? Well, I do. When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name. She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner. She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends. She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her. She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion! I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.
I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married? That bad girl was a very selfish girl! I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't. I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies. I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone. Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person. What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"? Is it getting married? Is it getting older and having kids? I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage. Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother. I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times. Where is the line? When does fun cross over to the dark side?
I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose. I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties. I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive. I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times. I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore. Even bad girls grow up and evolve. I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her. I need her! She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity! All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy! I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good. I have always seen things in the gray. There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth. Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.
Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything. When you lie you risk your integrity. The worst thing I did was lie to myself. I was risking my life by fooling myself. I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret. Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions. While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good. Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices. By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to be a pirate, I was trying to be good! I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart. I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife. I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology. I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate. Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.
Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl. I keep my hair crazy. I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable. I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all). I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off. I get artificial nails. I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner. I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in. I send my fiance sexy texts. I flirt. If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences. I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed. I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads. I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on. Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is. Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.
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