I tried to move some of my holiday decorations out of the storage closet in my mother's house before Thanksgiving and also clear the air a little between us and our on-going debate over why she is always mean to my boyfriends. My argument is this, if you invite someone over to your home, be nice. Don't look at them like they just crapped on your floor, don't analyze every word out of their mouth, and do not under any circumstance make them feel like they shouldn't be there! After a lengthy conversation, my mother and I decided I would tell her when she was "doing it" at Thanksgiving and she would think about what had just happened and we would discuss it later. I have zero confidence that this will happen, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to make it stop. She has pretty much done this with all the men I've had in my life. No man is ever good enough for me. While that is so sweet in a mommy dearest kind of way, it doesn't help me in my relationships and it is not true. My friends male or female have every right to accompany me if they are invited and I really hate that my mother can be so rude and insane. I truly think she is unaware of her behavior, but it does make it awkward for me. If I had treated her company like she has treated some of mine, she would have thrown me out on my butt! She thinks I am the same way with her friends. Friends that are alcoholics and are too drunk to notice if I'm even there. Even those friends I have been cordial too. She, on the other hand, has made my boyfriends feel like never coming back on several occasions.
One incident occurred on 4th of July and she did acknowledge that she knew she had hurt his feelings, but didn't do it intentionally. She was relating a conversation that she had with my youngest son. Evidently the teacher had asked him if the boyfriend was his father and my son had said, "No, that is just Jason." While we are not married, we have discussed it and because of financial and other things have decided to decide that issue another time, but he lives with us. This is another point of contention with my mother. Not that she believes living together before marriage is wrong, just that she doesn't want any man living with me and my children. Her conscious decision to relate that story in front of him was rude. He absolutely wants to be their step-dad. He is trying very hard to fit in as a step-parent and it is not easy! He questions what he does constantly and read books about being a step-parent. For her to say that my son told her he was "just Jason" was very hurtful and she even admitted that she saw his expression and knew she had hurt his feelings. I asked her why she didn't say something and she gave me a chicken-shit answer that she really didn't think it was that big of a deal. Honestly, it wasn't but when something like this happens every time you visit it turns into a big deal. She constantly makes him feel his is easily replaced and not a part of our family.
Another incident happened while I was still living at my mother's house. I met my current boyfriend, Jason, at that time and moved in with him after moving from her house. I would never have been able to get back on my feel as quickly without his help. He was also divorced and living with his parents to save money while getting his masters. There was over a 45 minute drive between us and he would stay over when the kids were at their dads. This made her upset, but it made her even more upset when he stayed over one evening when the kids were there. Both kids were asleep on a different floor, they didn't know he was there and never mentioned anything to me about him being there. This was almost six months after we had started dating and were going to move in together. My mother game me an ultimatum, I was 38 years old at the time, that I would not have any men over past nine on the nights the boys were there or I could move out. I told her fine. The very next night her friends one female and one male that she had slept with were in the garage, drinking and watching movies until 12 am. I know because I was trying to sleep and so were my kids and could not because they were drunk and having a great time. To this day she says she was justified with her ultimatum because I wasn't paying her half the expenses. I was divorced, raising two kids, getting 162.00 a month in child support, paying an attorney, working a minimum wage job when she begged me to co-sign on a 152,000.00 home with a pool she couldn't afford. I refused until she had a nervous breakdown and I finally agreed knowing it was a huge mistake. Needless to say she kicked me out of the house because she did not want my boyfriend over there. She claims she was so worried about the children, but denies any of her behavior was wrong. So, to say he is a little uncomfortable with my mother would be an understatement. He is always polite and respectful to her, all I was asking was for her to return the favor. I even explained to her the reason why he had slept over and that it was my fault. She claims she talked to him and explained to him that she couldn't afford for him to take a shower and live there unless he was paying rent. Let me just tell you that I moved out because her house was a party house and my ex-husband threatened to take my kids away if I stayed there any longer. She has and never will admit that she was a bad influence on them as much or more than I while living there. It was a hard time for both of us being newly divorced. I resolved to disagree with her on this incident, but I don't and never will agree that because I didn't pay her enough rent money (which by the way I paid her by buying groceries that all her friends were welcome to, free hair and nail services, all my pictures, home decor, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, cleaning, etc. that I get no credit for although she still has them all) to live there. It was a bad situation and I have moved out and moved on, but she still holds it against my boyfriend when he was possibly the least to blame and more concerned about the children that she will ever know.
I don't really understand how to get her to see my side of the equation. Let's say she hates my boyfriend. I don't really care and it isn't any of her business. I'm 40 years old and I get to run my life. If she ever found anyone she wanted to have a relationship with, trust me if they made her happy, I would be happy. I have told her repeatedly, I don't care what you think of him, but I don't want to be uncomfortable when I bring him around and if I am.... guess what? I'm going to stop coming around. She has said all my life she just wants me to be happy. How can I be happy when every time I am happy, I can't share it with my family. It isn't just my mom either, my sister is down right nasty to anybody that tries to join the family. Anything he says or does she automatically hates. Why do they have so little confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and tell men what is acceptable to me that they feel they have to defend me. I know most of you think this is what families do, but is that true? Do your siblings after three years ask you if HE is coming? He has a name and yes, he is part of my family. My sister's husband is a loving man, but not who I would have picked. I have nothing in common with him, but I can see the love he has for her and their children. He used to be addicted to cocaine, used to be jobless and homeless, and has health issues because of his hard life. I have never judged him or made him feel like a freak when he talks about hunting or fishing. I have been supportive of him when they were having rough times and she was going through post pardum depression. I don't understand how she can look at him like he just slapped me across the face every time we walk into the house. My brother has been the nicest to him of all, but he isn't around that much and has nothing in common with my boyfriend. He at least is nice though.
The only justification I can muster in a defense to my family is they don't realize they are doing it. They have always done it. Our family is dysfunctional and cold when it comes to outsiders. We don't trust easily and we are quick to exclude out of fear. We aren't touchy feely and we don't hug. Sometimes we don't even talk for weeks at a time. I know this is how we have always been, but I have been working so hard to be open and honest with people that it is easier for me to take my boyfriend to my friends houses than to my own family functions. It makes me dread the holidays. It makes me want to send the kids and stay home. I know I can't do that so I hope my family is serious that they will listen if I say, "you're doing it again." I hope they won't start a huge scene, but if they do I will handle it calmly and maturely. I will tell them their behavior is unacceptable to me and we will leave. I'm tired of having to divide up my life into what other people will accept and if you can't accept my choice of who I am in a relationship with then you can't accept me.
I'm 40 years old and I'm tired of changing who I am to fit in with my family. I'm not what they expect me to be, but I know they love me. I don't expect them to love the people I love, but they can be nice to them. So, as I go to yet another holiday like a sacrificial lamb to slaughter, I am hopeful they will see my happiness and celebrate it. If they choose to wallow in the jealous pit and spread the hate, next year it will be without us.
Happy Thanksgiving
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