Okay, so here I am being someone's mother again. Are men really that shallow and selfish that every time they get into a relationship they start forgetting how to pick up clothes, do laundry, make their own personal grooming appointments, dentist appointments, doctor appointments? Or is it just my fault, because I can't help myself? What ever happened to the golden rule? I do those things because I would love to have them done for me! I would love to come home to a house free of floor clutter, the dishes done, cabinets wiped down and dinner ready and I can GUARANTEE a night of good sex EVERY TIME I did, yet does this ever happen? No. Am I a little upset? Yes, hell yes! What is it about me that I end up with a man that not only wants me to make his hair appointment, but then pay for it too? Men that never get their clothes from the dryer to the closet, men that forget to flush the toilet, men that constantly overlook the overflowing trash can and leave their trash everywhere. Men that promise one thing and always let me down, men that use romance as a get out of the dog house free card, and men that I can't respect because of all of the above. Since when did being a life partner morph into being a mother? I can't seem to find the balance in my relationships and I am uncertain if it is my behavior or that I have a broken picker.
I come from a long line of broken pickers. I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves. One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five. For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink. Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too? Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?" Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice. If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either. I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up? If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation? And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex. Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime. I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time. I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache! Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy. Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me. Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom. It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent. Parents need breaks from their children. Children are not partners with their parents. I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.
I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men. So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:
1. I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health. You need a doctor, call one. You need a haircut, call a stylist. You need cold medicine, go to Walmart. I am done being your mother and taking care of you. You want my opinion on your hair, no problem. I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health. When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam? NEVER! Right?
2. If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses. This is only for men that may be living with me at some point. In the past I have supported people. No more free rides. If you want to be my partner, be one. Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc. If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to. I will not be your parents and support you. I have two children to support and I do not need another.
3. I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself. My life is pretty good. I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children. I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet. I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends. If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great! If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here. If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self. Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more. Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!
4. I will not do laundry. If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.
5. I will only cook when I'm hungry. If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.
6. PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET! I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet? This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive. I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on. If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man. I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean. This can also be applied to just your general area. If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor. Do men not know what a dustpan is for?
7. This is the last one and it is huge. I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities. If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment. I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance. I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will. I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy. If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted. I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids. I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior. If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required. If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house! All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around. I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.
MAN - male form of adult human species. ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.
As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense. I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior. As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love. Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand. Do they have no self respect? Where is their pride? Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants? There is a reason that is funny! It is supposed to be a joke!! I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids. I pay my bills and then some. I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments. I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it. It is a lonely place. I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do. I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises. I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.
PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.
That is my job description.
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