I was getting my hair cut the other day and for some reason became incredibly convinced I needed to drastically change my style. My hairstylist just laughed and asked, "Where did that girl come from?" There she was staring me in the face with an awesome smile and a great cut! I love her and there is no way I could live without her, but SHE is a bad girl. She is unpredictable, bat-shit crazy, and cocky! Does that make me bad? Am I a wolf in sheep's clothing?
An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore." Really? I was a bad girl? I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl. Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!
Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear? The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud? Well, I do. When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name. She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner. She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends. She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her. She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion! I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.
I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married? That bad girl was a very selfish girl! I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't. I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies. I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone. Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person. What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"? Is it getting married? Is it getting older and having kids? I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage. Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother. I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times. Where is the line? When does fun cross over to the dark side?
I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose. I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties. I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive. I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times. I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore. Even bad girls grow up and evolve. I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her. I need her! She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity! All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy! I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good. I have always seen things in the gray. There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth. Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.
Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything. When you lie you risk your integrity. The worst thing I did was lie to myself. I was risking my life by fooling myself. I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret. Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions. While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good. Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices. By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to be a pirate, I was trying to be good! I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart. I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife. I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology. I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate. Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.
Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl. I keep my hair crazy. I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable. I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all). I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off. I get artificial nails. I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner. I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in. I send my fiance sexy texts. I flirt. If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences. I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed. I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads. I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on. Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is. Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.
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