So for my 41st birthday my younger sister got me a lighted magnifying mirror, that I asked for by the way, and I have been using it daily. It really is great, but three things have occurred to me. One, I have more hair on my chin than a German wrestler. Two, my face is dry and I have way more wrinkles than last year. Three, my sister is very evil in a sneaky way. Not that any of these things really bother me as much as the fact that I need the damn magnifying mirror because I'm getting progressively more blind, but it does remind me daily that youth is gone. My youth, my kid's youth, everyone is getting older all around me. Like a Dutch painting, all around me are signs of natural decay and reminders of mortality. I realize in my mind that these ever present signals are not trying to create panic, even though they do, but that they are there even if I don't dwell in the valley of death. I think it is so ironic that the most depressing thing is also the most encouraging. My children are becoming little people.
My oldest son, Jack, is thirteen and nearing six feet tall. It is truly amazing to me that he is evolving into a man right before my very eyes. He was such a tiny beautiful baby boy. He has so many interests and is becoming more and more independent all the time. His hugs are like giant bear hugs now and he towers over his Mommy. My youngest son, Elliott, is ten. I noticed in his school pictures he is looking so much more like his father every day. His face is changing from that little kid to that awkward teenager. Both boys are so funny and full of life. They are creative and sensitive. They are totally different, yet go together like peanut butter and jelly. I am so proud to leave this world a legacy like them. I can't wait to see what they will accomplish and dream of when they are adults, but I am also so sad they aren't my babies anymore. The other evening we were all exhausted and I popped in a movie. The boys curled up on both sides of me and fell asleep. Jack had his head in my lap and I stroked his massive curly head of hair and Elliott held my arm snuggled up beside me on the other side. I kept thinking all night how wonderful this was to have both the boys snoring just like they did when they were little. Sometimes I just want to go back and do things better, but that would change who they are now and they are great. Every hug and every smile tells me that I have done pretty good.
Teenage years are difficult and I think many changes are in store for us. Schedules become more challenging, dealing with friends and girls, and teaching them about making good choices that will affect the rest of our lives are duties that sometimes make me feel like I'm scaling Mt. Everest, especially when their father and I don't quite agree on our own life choices. I read a quote yesterday that said, "Become who you want your kids to be." Deep down all parents want is for their kids to be happy and healthy. Simple, but yet so complicated. Why is it so complicated? I had a nail client yesterday that could not decide on a color for her polish. I asked her about her weekend and if she had any big plans and she didn't. She looked and looked at the colors and I asked her what her favorite color was. Still, she couldn't decide. Finally, she threw up her hands and just asked me to pick a color. "There are just too many choices!" My client had too many colors that she liked to make the best choice for her. This is why life gets more complicated, too many choices. This is why I could still be going to college, because I liked learning about everything and not necessarily doing anything. This is why teen years are so difficult. For the first time children are presented with more independence and more choices that actually make a difference and as a parent, I have to let them make the decisions and experience the consequences. I have to let go, a little. I also have to use my freedom to keep becoming who I want them to be. I'm not just mom. I'm a writer, an employee, a nail technician, a friend, and a person. I'm old. I'm a model. I'm good.
I guess I don't have to wait to see how the years change them. I can just look into my super magnifying lighted mirror and see how wonderful they will become. My sister is one sneaky evil bitch.
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