Friendships After Divorce

It has become very interesting to me to see the evolution of my friends before, during and after my divorce as compared to me being a friend to someone who is getting a divorce.  Friendships with adults is not tricky unless only one of you is actually an adult.  It amazes me that the filing of a divorce can send a friendship right back to high school in the blink of an eye; sides get chosen and hearts get broken.  I have tried very hard to be cordial to the ex husbands and ex wives of my friends, especially when there is children involved, because I am an adult and I know that there are always two sides to every coin.  I have tried extremely hard to be cordial to my ex-husband's friends.  I also know how much blaming and accusing helps a relationship which is about as much as taking a knife to a tank fight.  I also felt like their divorce was none of my business and if they chose to ask for my opinions or my help, I was there to be a friend and help not tell them how to live their lives.  As far as my ex husband's friends, well they were never really great friends of mine anyways so nothing really had changed.

During my divorce, I had several good friends that tried to distract me from everything I was going through.  I was an angry, crazy mess sometimes and looking back now I know they did the best they could dealing with that.  My friends loved me and there wasn't a real loyalty issue, because frankly none of them were really friends with my ex husband.  They were cordial with him and even waved when he had the boys.  They did really exactly what I expected, but there were times when I really needed to just be sad or angry and I noticed my friends really didn't want to deal with that.  They didn't want to dig deep with me and find out exactly what the issues were surrounding WHY I got a divorce and maybe they couldn't because they had some of the same issue going on in their own marriages that they were not dealing with either.  My friends kind of fell into a few groups.  The one's that wanted me to go out and party, forgetting my responsibilities for a little while and just let loose were my Friday-Saturday friends.  My work friends that knew I was going through a divorce and helped me by letting me take extra breaks just in case my ex called and told me to hang in there helping me through the days.  Lastly, my really close friends that knew there was nothing they could do or say to make things better, but they would just cry with me sometimes and hug me.  I can honestly say I really only had one friend that did that.  She has been my friend for all of my life practically and we truly have an amazing connection that will never ever go away.  I also had my family that I leaned on a great deal, but considering my parents were also going through a divorce at the same time, it was often difficult for them to be supportive.  Even with all my support from my friends and family, I felt incredibly alone, sad and tired.  I had regret and confusion and host of emotions that nobody really understood.  Looking back I think it was difficult for my friends to see me undone.  I was someone they looked at as stable, in a good relationship, a good mom, and happy.  Looking back, I realize my friends really didn't know me at all.  My really close friend, my mother, and a few work friends had know I was having problems with depression and financial issues, but honestly I think they were all pretty shocked when I filed for divorce.  After filing, as I began to tell people the hell I had been going through for the last several years, people were shocked.  I decided then I wasn't going to lie to myself or my friends about my life anymore.  I think, surprisingly, that has shown me who these people I had called friends really were.

I recently had a discussion with some of my friends about divorce.  One of my closer friends has filed and I was her maid of honor at her wedding.  A situation happened and it was within my definition of physical abuse.  To me, this changes the entire divorce.  I would have a protective order in place and either end visitation until my spouse undergoes so psychological evaluations, or just end visitation.  My friend has decided that because she had an affair the abuse was provoked and therefore excusable.  Some of my other friends feel since they had a prior relationship with the abuser that they have a certain amount of loyalty toward him.  One thing all of my friends know about me is I have ZERO tolerance for physical abuse in a relationship.  I felt they had all gone to great lengths to conceal some of these facts from me and it is difficult for me to be any kind of friend to any of them if they are going to allow this behavior and then lie about it to me.  I can't make excuses for abuse.  It is what it is.  I love my friends, but abuse is not acceptable behavior and allowing it to continue in front of a child is something I can't watch.  Looking back, I realize they couldn't watch my divorce because they did not want to deal with any of the issues I was bringing up, but also because they didn't want to deal with anything.  They don't want to deal with why they are unhappy which was the root of why I wanted a divorce.  I wasn't happy and there was no way within the confines of that marriage I was ever going to be allowed to be myself.  I had explored the reasons for my unhappiness and most of them had little to nothing to do with my ex husband.  I was unhappy because of me.  My friends don't even seem to be unhappy.  They can't even acknowledge that it is unacceptable to be hit, pushed or locked in a bedroom and threatened with bodily harm by the people they living with.  How do you be a friend to someone who can't even be themselves?  Maybe I really don't know my friends either?

I consider myself a good friend.  I listen. I don't judge people because I believe everyone can learn to do better, I try to see the good in them and go with that.  I know I don't want to live someone else's life and I don't even want to begin to tell them how to live theirs.  I offer help when I see a need and I empathize.  Even though I can't support some of my friend's decisions, I always let them know I will be there to help them in any way.  I hope my friends can see that, but I also know that friendship is a two way street.  I learned that if I didn't reach out for help, sometimes people don't realize you need it.  Most of all, I am honest and I'm real.  I am the kind of friend I would want.  It is difficult when you see people you love in difficult situations and they don't want your help, don't want to deal with life, and don't want to stay safe.  I guess sometimes you have to look at who your friends really are and decide if they are the kind of friends you need or want.  Most of all you have to be your own best friend.