Often I have thought about what exactly led to my divorce, circumstances, factors and what was the real cause. In every article, book, and therapy session I discovered some part of why I chose to end my marriage. I have asked myself a million times if I could have salvaged my marriage. The answer is always no. I couldn't have done anything, but WE could have. My ex-husband could have done quite a few things, but he didn't and nobody can make him. Love wasn't enough, our children weren't enough, and I wasn't enough of a reason for him to accept his mistakes and make changes. No therapist, or book, or pill can make a person really look at themselves and make them want to be a better person. You have to want that for yourself. The simple answer to why our marriage ended was that I wanted to be a better person and I knew I deserved better.
The problem was I learned that at the end of the marriage and not the beginning. If I had thought I was this wonderful person that deserved a loving, equal relationship with a partner that valued me as much as I valued myself, I would have had a successful marriage. I started my marriage as an empty, sad, broken, needy person that would be happy to give anything just to have someone want to marry me. I gave and I gave and I gave myself body and soul to a mirror image in an attempt to fill up his needs and we were happy at times. As long as I was giving him what he needed and expected, I was fulfilled. I was happy, he was happy, and he loved THAT me. He loved that perfect housewife that listened to all his stories like the first time I heard them, cooked like his Mom, entertained his family while ignoring my own. He loved that I loved him. Then we had children. They had needs, a lot of them. I read books again, searching for all the ways I could be the perfect parent. I exhausted myself mentally and physically to maintain that perfect wife he expected and a perfect mom. I lost weight, potty trained, and mastered the art of distraction. I did pretty good and I took pride in myself. In fact I got rather confident in who I was and didn't look into the mirror anymore. I didn't need as much approval from others and frankly, didn't care what anybody thought. I knew myself better, I was stronger, and I made things happen. I had two little lives that I was responsible for and I started resenting him for making me his mother. I didn't love him anymore. He resented me for changing into this whole other person. He didn't want me to be strong. He didn't want the best for me, because that meant he would actually have to do more to earn my respect. We blamed each other for everything and made a mess of our lives, but eventually I stopped blaming him and just accepted him. I didn't want to be married to him and he desperately still wanted to be married, just not to who I had become. I still loved him. I had become confident. I didn't need a mirror to see how wonderful I was anymore. I loved myself more.
Sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with my ex-husband, because I am dealing with my old self. I am dealing with his expectation of who I was, who I became and all of the mistrust he has of me. I also see all my old insecurities right in the eyes, looking and searching for something to reflect back the feelings. It's hard to remain calm, focused and move forward with someone still holding on to the past. It's hard to respect someone who has so little themselves. It's hard to love someone you have no respect for. I can only change my behavior. I can only be a compass now, not a mirror. A compass will only tell you which direction your are heading, not show you where you need to go. Only he can decide which path to take, because only he knows what he wants. I have my own path to tread.
At times there is an immense divide before me. I can't see the bottom and there are many obstacles in my way. Razor sharp rocks jut out waiting to rip my clothes. The wind howls trying to push me over the edge. I know I can't reach my destination alone. I call for help and only hear the echo's of my own cries. I doubt my ability to make it to the other side. That is my delusion. My truth is I am the divide. I am the other side. I am all my paths, all my obstacles, and all my needs. I only hear my own voice and that is enough. My voice says, "look again." I look inside.. There is no cavern, no obstacles, nothing I can't do. Sometimes it's as simple as looking in a different direction, but you have to look. You have to look inside to truly know yourself, trust yourself, love yourself before you can learn about someone else, trust someone else, or love someone else. Until you look inside you will keep searching for yourself in everyone else and never find what you are looking for. You will fall down on sharp rocks and feel the pain of rejection like a giant boulder crushing your soul. No fire will warm your body and no food will satisfy your hunger. Nothing you do will fill the loneliness in your heart. Your soul will only be a mirror to reflect what other's see never letting anyone inside to the unique beauty unlike any other that never ages. They will only see the qualities they want in themselves, but never appreciate who you really are. When you don't know who you are, how can you show others? Hiding behind a reflection your soul will die. Stop trying to walk a path when you don't even know why you are walking in the first place. Look again, and if you don't like what you see get some glasses. Get some help. Change what you are doing and then look again. Accept what you see. Love all of it. Fix what you can, but love even the broken pieces. Some paths leave more scars than others. There is no divide between who you are and who you want to be, there is only you.
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