Gambling on Peace

So much has been flooding my inbox and Facebook about people arming themselves and being afraid.  How do we protect our children?  How do we protect ourselves and our home?  The answer is simple.  You can't.  You can't be prepared for all things to come and if you spend your life afraid and every choice you make is made in fear, then you are not truly living.  I have done a great deal of reflecting and thinking and it seems to me that people never choose peace.  People always choose war.  The first choice in war is to look at external causes for your actions and take no personal responsibility.  For example, my friend told me she was going to go to classes and buy a gun.  Why, I asked?  For protection she offered.  From what, I asked?  From everything she answered.  Guns do not protect you from anything.  Just like guns do not kill people, people do.  She was making a choice to fight.  She was potentially making a choice to kill if necessary.  She chose war.

War is evil.  War kills period.  I firmly believe that the only thing war accomplishes is death.  War is like a gun.  War may be easier, drive the economy more, and cause so much pain and devastation that real change becomes a more acceptable alternative, but it still has only one outcome that is for certain.  Death.  Death of real children, real adults, and real people that never touched a gun, a bomb, a club, a rock or any other weapon.  Real people that were living their lives, shopping, taking a walk, watching TV or going to school.  There are many choices that lead up to war, but we make those small choices every single day.  War is over if you want it.  IF YOU WANT IT.  If we all chose change and not war it would be over, however, fear makes people choose war.

If any of you have ever read If You Give A Mouse A Cookie, you can see the error in choosing war.  Let's say my friend buys her gun.  She is safe right?  Wrong.  Her house was robbed while she was not home.  Thieves stole her gun and then broke into her neighbor's house and shot her neighbor and five children while they slept.  This made her more afraid so she moved close to an military base and bought a new gun and installed an alarm system.  The military base was targeted by terrorists and bombed.  One of the bombs missed and hit her house killing her and everyone in a 10 mile radius.  There will always be more guns, more bombs, more people that have no empathy for human life beyond their immediate family or just themselves and the first time we CHOOSE war we head down that path that only leads in one direction, more death.

I know, everything has to die right?  All paths ultimately lead to death.  So why worry about when or where?  Why do we need to take up arms or lock our doors at all.  Gotta die sometime right?  I'm just like the rest of you, I don't want to die.  I don't want to die before my kids are grown and I see everything there is to see!  Actually I want scientists to develop robot bodies and just transfer my consciousness into it and never die, but that is just me.  I certainly don't want to die knowing that a thief has just stolen my gun, shot me and now my two small children are facing that thief alone with their mother bleeding out all over the floor in front of them.  I don't want my kids to die, or my family, friends, people on the street, or anybody to die truthfully!  It is sad.  It is a part of life however.

Living is also a part of life.  A part I think some people are so afraid of death that they forget about.  If you were the last person on earth and everyone else was gone, would you just crawl in a corner and wait?  I certainly hope not!  I hope you would really really live!  Live for all of us that are gone!  Swim in the ocean!  Go to a Five Star Hotel and live it up!  Eat a million chocolates!  Dance all night!  Drive like 120 miles an hour!  Go to a mall and try on everything!  Just live!  I know I want my children, family and friends to go on without me, remember the good times and live their lives to the absolute fullest!  I also want them to live with no fear of being imperfect.  I want them to take chances and make mistakes!  I want them to love so deeply it makes them cry and never be afraid of that!  I never want them to be afraid and that is something I can teach them.

How do you teach someone to be afraid?  You live in fear.  You do only what is acceptable or expected.  You live like a gangster.  You fit in and if someone comes at you with a bat, you get a knife.  If they come back with a gun you get a bigger gun.  You look, do, feel and be everything you can to not be weak.  You don't love.  You don't feel anything if you can help it.  You resist change or any ideas that might be different than what you see as acceptable.  You fear people that are different from you.  You don't educate yourself.  You don't travel any farther than one state away.  You are possessive and don't trust anyone.  This is what you show your children.  You teach them that fear is necessary, because you never know when something might happen.

You could teach them to choose peace.  You could teach them that change is inevitable.  You could teach them that because you never know what might happen, something great is just around the corner.  You could teach them that death is going to happen to all of us, but that doesn't mean you won't always be there for them in their hearts and minds.  You could teach them that all living things are connected and when one thing is harmed we are all diminished in a small way.  You could teach them that it is okay to be afraid sometimes and talk to them about their fears until they feel more confident in their ability to handle everything that comes their way.  You could teach them to be responsible for their choices and to think ahead.  You can teach them  to care about the world not just our little corner of it.

We all never know when something might happen.  I could post this blog and get into a car accident and die.  Should I not drive?  Fear has this wonderful way of blinding us to common sense, change or any opportunity that might come along with the risk we take just walking out the front door.  Choices are all we really have in this life, everything else is just the luck of the draw.  You have to play the cards your are dealt and hope you get a good hand, but if you quit playing you are guaranteed to lose.  I choose to play with everything I have in me!  May all the world be comforted and know they are loved.  May all the world seek guidance and wisdom.  May all the world choose peace for the sake of their fellow men/women.  May this spirit last all year long and bring change.  May all the world be free from fear.  Good luck and Happy Holidays!

Men Are Like Purses

Let's face it, all women really need is a great purse.  A great purse can literally save your life.  You pack enough into that purse and you are prepared for anything at anytime and it is heavy enough that you can take down a rhino just by lobbing it at them.  We love purses!  We are always looking for just the right purse that can keep everything we need in just the right place. We think we love this purse and there will never be another purse that will work better.  Then along comes another season and our old purse has lost it's sparkle and has gunk spilled in the bottom of it.  We start to see other bigger purses, fancier purses with zippers and buckles!  We think that purse will be the one for me!  We find the best purse that goes with everything.  We keep that purse for years! We pack it with all our things and WHAMO!  Our purse is stolen, gone with all our stuff!  We are left naked with our credit cards maxed!  Jaded we begin again to search for a more sensible purse.  Sound familiar?  Men are like purses!

I know lots of you are thinking, men are human beings.  How can say that about another human being?  I guess I want them to be more than an accessory.  Men have trophies, we have purses.  Well girls the search for the perfect man is just like our quest for the perfect purse.  In the end, we end up with a designer bag full of crap.  Crap that we think we can't live without.  Crap is just crap even with a Dolce label on it.  Men are human beings and until we can recognize they aren't all full of crap or something to fill up with our crap, they will only be an accessory.  Just like men that keep searching for that perfect size six, long legs, great boobs and a cute smile will only end up with a self-absorbed, fake tanned, fake nailed bubble head that only wants a new purse.  Nobody is perfect.

There will always be another purse.  Either the last one had too many pockets or not enough, the lining was too dark, the color was a little off, the zipper broke or any other of the bazillion excuses we use to buy a new purse.  Basically, we as women need to be able to carry our own crap.  Our crap stinks just like everybody else's and it's not up to anybody else to carry it.  If you're like me you end up carrying a lot of other people's crap around in your purse like the kid's crap for instance.  Water bottles, pacifiers, and toys to play with at the restaurant and extra pairs of pants just in case the off chance somebody might need it.  Our purse gets cluttered and its hard to dig out what is useful.  We do this to our men.  We start out telling them they are great and it doesn't bother us in the least that play softball on Sundays, bowl on Wednesday nights and have that edgy look!  Then as our lives change suddenly all our things don't fit and the fact they can change our tires gets lost in the side pocket buried under your gum and lip plumper.  Men aren't here to carry our crap.  They weren't made to know the difference between aqua and chartreuse.  They don't understand romantic gestures except that somewhere on TV it usually gets a guy laid.  Everything they need is packed into a 3" x 5" leather strap that is mostly taken up by a debit card and pictures we gave them.  Men are simple and I don't mean that they are stupid.  I think that millions of years of evolution has taught them to carry only what is necessary and grab the rest when you can.  Women are the hoarders of the crap!  Let it go and don't blame the purse!  When men say, "Well if you didn't try to carry so much crap..."  They are right!

Women need to stop expecting so much from their purse or all you end up with is a huge back of crap.  Same goes for the men in our lives.  We need to tell them exactly what we NEED and leave all the fluff out.  My ex-husband was like a duffel bag.  Handy, sturdy and useful, but I seldom if ever needed him.  I didn't need him and he felt empty and useless.  He wasn't even a purse.  He was an awesome duffel bag, but not what I needed.  I truly think after dating the second time around after my divorce it became perfectly clear to me that I was only searching for a new purse, not a new partner.  I wanted a man that I could unload all of my crap into and it would fit perfectly so I didn't have to carry it around.  How surprised I was to find that all I ended up with was a nicer looking crap carrier?  Do we as women really want a bag of crap?  It wasn't until dumped my emotional baggage out on the table and really started to look at all of my crap that I realized what I really needed.  I needed a man that wouldn't take any crap.

A good purse can be a life saver or crap basket.  It can be a heavy catch all or the accessory to make your outfit.  Men are like purses a women need to realize even the best purse is going to wear out if you just stuff it with crap.  Be gentle with your favorite purse and don't expect something the size of an coin purse to hold up to ten items.  Only trust that purse to hold what is really important and what you really need and YOU carry the rest.  Get the right purse for the job and if you get the wrong purse, let it go right away!  We all have that purse we thought was going to look great and then found out the zipper was busted and it had no cell phone outer pocket!  It wasn't the purse, it was us!  We picked the wrong purse or we were so desperate for a purse we didn't take the time to assess our real needs.  A beautiful bag full of shit is still a bag of shit.

For any men that read this take a long hard look at the woman you are dating and at their purse.  Here are some things to think about.

SIZE - If the purse is a more like a backpack this is a woman that is used to carrying around a lot of crap!  She has high expectations.  She gets attached to things easily.  She has needs and few of them are being met.  She is looking for a man that will help her carry the load so if you con't want to carry that purse for her, do her a favor and move on.  If there is anything that vibrates in that bag, run

If the purse is regular sized but so packed everything comes spilling out it is the same story as above, but she is also crying out for attention.  If you don't want to give her the time and attention, move on.  If it is regular sized and she can find a pen to give you her number or a stick of gum that isn't covered in hair in less than a minute, you are probably dealing with a sensible woman that will only expect flowers on her birthday and appreciate a good man.

If the purse is small more like a coin purse and she only carries her debit card, cash and a lip gloss.  She is hiding her real purse until she knows you better.

COLORS:

White - High maintenance, impulsive, short attention span
Black/Brown/Tan - Sensible, classic and likes a big bank for her buck.  Loyal and will commit to the right one.  Patient.
Red, Neons, Blue or very trendy colors - Goes for what she percieves as hot, but then nitpicks the
very things that attracted her in the first place.  Indecisive and impulsive.
Denim - Mom purse has totally give up being fashionable and will wear sweats to bed.
Animal Print - likes an adventure, seeks to tame the beast inside you but can be clingy.  Low expectations of men and will put you down quickly if you get out of line.
Visible Pockets - If there are more than five pockets on the outside of a purse and she can't find anything then she is the queen of chaos.  She loves drama and creates it all herself.  If everything has a place and she gets really upset if her pen ended up in the wrong pocket you can bet she is gonna hound you like a dog over your boxers laying in the corner of the room.
Sparkle - If the amount of bling on her bag could stop a train by blinding the engineer if the sun hit it from her car then you better multiply that sparkle by ten when buying her wedding ring.  Materialistic, fun, likes grand gestures.
Hobo, Hippie or Crochet bag - Easy going, disorganized, late, likes organic but will take Starbucks if you are buying.  Not really looking, not sure what she wants, but willing to try anything once.

CONDITION:

Old and tattered - She sticks with one guy until there is nothing left.  Better be in it to win it because she will latch on to you like you are the only man for her and stay until you fall apart and then try to stitch you back together with duct tape.  Trusting, cheep and loyal.

New purse every time you see her - She always has a plan B.  Impulse buyer.  Does not respect you as an individual.  Doesn't want to make it a date, just a possible hook up later if we meet at the same place.  A player!  Lots of fun but not for the long haul.

Same purse good condition but messy - Busy, but ready for a relationship.  Takes on too much and is looking for someone to sweep her off her feet.  Will respond well to romantic gestures no matter how small or cheesy.

Same purse like new and completely organized - Neat freak, coupon queen, will drive you insane with her demands and expectations.  Don't look for this relationship to last if you are not responsible.

Of course like men purses come in all shapes, sizes, colors and condition which makes the quest all the more challenging.  You can luck out and find a good purse at good will that just needs to be dry cleaned.  That purse can save you time and time again if you appreciate it.  Good luck ladies!  Men if you are married to one of the above, dump out that crap!  Brace yourself for the shitstorm to follow and help her clarify her needs and wants.  You will both come out smelling like a rose in the end.

Pantophobia

Do you have Pantophobia?

From the very first time I heard that word on Charlie Brown Christmas and deeply identified with Mr. Brown, I knew I had Pantophobia. It is an almost crippling feeling to live in constant fear. Fear of what you ask? Fear of everything. Constantly weighing every decision and every outcome of every decision. Did I say the right thing, wear the right thing, have the right things? Should I be quiet? Should I tell the truth? What will happen now? You lose sleep, you feel responsible for everything and everyone, you feel like crawling into bed and never coming out. You know it is irrational, but still you are afraid. Panic attacks, suddenly forgetting where you are going, physical pain when you are late or too early and getting very upset and frustrated at the smallest inconvenience. My entire life has been shrouded with fear. I have spent great quantities of time trying to figure out where this fear originated and moving past my more irrational fears. I have read books on fear and thinking too much. I wouldn't say I have OCD, but at times I have had to go back and lock the front door to my house more than once. I would say at certain times in my life when I have been stressed to the max, the fear has controlled my behavior. I simply try to push through the fear when possible.

Over the years I have tried different coping mechanisms to deal with the fear. One of the best is humor. If I can laugh at my irrational fear, then I can usually get past it. I used to truly believe I was not worthy of love. Deeply damaged as a child, I believed I had to be perfect in order for my own parents to love me let alone anyone else. Perfect grades, perfect clothes, perfect hair, perfect skin, and many other traits like organized, leader, role model, Christian, etc to deserve love. Being perfect is stressful hard work especially when you are constantly afraid that everyone is going to discover your secret. By the age of 18 I was clinically depressed, suicidal and sexually active for all the wrong reasons. By the age of 25 I was a borderline alcoholic, depressed, and looking for anyone to make me happy. By the age of 34 I was in a horrible fake marriage with two little babies, depressed and looking for a way out. Now at 40, divorced, happy and two wonderful children later I can recognize that fear is the hardest thing to push through. I felt I was in danger at times in my childhood. I felt I had little control over my personal safety and no voice. I have come to realize as an adult my childhood was not horrible, but it was dysfunctional and my family is still not a safe place. I deal with it on a more mature level, but it is still contributing to my fears.

Where does this fear come from? I can remember being afraid as a small child, unable to trust, quiet, wanting to spend hours dissolving in front of the television but afraid of what? It isn't something I can say, "That's IT!" I don't spend hours worrying about a spider crawling up my leg or if I locked the door. It is just a cold horrible feeling that something is wrong. Something is going to go wrong. My life is wrong, my children are going to suffer and it is all my fault. But I don't know why I feel afraid and I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of. I am less afraid now than I have ever been in my life, but it is still there lurking. It is different from regret. I regret some things like being horridly in debt and not facing responsibilities as well as I should have financially, but I also learned a great deal from those experiences. I wouldn't change becoming a mom for any amount of money in the universe. I finished college and have a good job. I wouldn't say I had regrets, because I have learned from my mistakes. I would say that I'm afraid at least a few times during the day for no particular reason and it is bad enough to make me feel sick and I don't understand why.

Pantophobia. Lucy said the cure is involvement, but I think her advice is pretty much worth as much as she charged. I don't think there is a cure, but that I just keep working through it and try to recognize it. If I recognize my fear and can't put a name to it, then I know it is not real. Unfortunately knowing and not feeling it are two very different things. To my fellow Pantophobes, you are not alone in your fear. I will not allow my fear to take over my life. Courage is being afraid, but doing what needs to be done anyway. I always tell myself, "I will do this today and if I am still afraid, then I can crawl into bed tomorrow."

Last Saturday I watched Charlie Brown Christmas with my two boys and I neither one of them seemed to identify with any of the characters except Snoopy. My greatest fear is that I pass on this disgusting fear to my children. I don't want them to feel afraid and I go to incredible lengths to make sure the environment they live in is safe. I also tell them when they are afraid that it is normal, but letting fear control your life is not. Fear is only what you allow it to be. Whether it is a speed bump or a mountain is your choice, which would you rather climb? I was always more of a mountain person, but they seem to enjoy driving cars.

I Don't Hate All Your Boyfriends.

I tried to move some of my holiday decorations out of the storage closet in my mother's house before Thanksgiving and also clear the air a little between us and our on-going debate over why she is always mean to my boyfriends.  My argument is this, if you invite someone over to your home, be nice.  Don't look at them like they just crapped on your floor, don't analyze every word out of  their mouth, and do not under any circumstance make them feel like they shouldn't be there!  After a lengthy conversation, my mother and I decided I would tell her when she was "doing it" at Thanksgiving and she would think about what had just happened and we would discuss it later.  I have zero confidence that this will happen, but I'm honestly at a loss as to how to make it stop.  She has pretty much done this with all the men I've had in my life.  No man is  ever good enough for me.  While that is so sweet in a mommy dearest kind of way, it doesn't help me in my relationships and it is not true.  My friends male or female have every right to accompany me if they are invited and I really hate that my mother can be so rude and insane.  I truly think she is unaware of her behavior, but it does make it awkward for me.  If I had treated her company like she has treated some of mine, she would have thrown me out on my butt!  She thinks I am the same way with her friends.  Friends that are alcoholics and are too drunk to notice if I'm even there.  Even those friends I have been cordial too.  She, on the other hand, has made my boyfriends feel like never coming back on several occasions.

One incident occurred on 4th of July and she did acknowledge that she knew she had hurt his feelings, but didn't do it intentionally.  She was relating a conversation that she had with my youngest son.  Evidently the teacher had asked him if the boyfriend was his father and my son had said, "No, that is just Jason."  While we are not married, we have discussed it and because of financial and other things have decided to decide that issue another time, but he lives with us.  This is another point of contention with my mother.  Not that she believes living together before marriage is wrong, just that she doesn't want any man living with me and my children.  Her conscious decision to relate that story in front of him was rude.  He absolutely wants to be their step-dad.  He is trying very hard to fit in as a step-parent and it is not easy!  He questions what he does constantly and read books about being a step-parent.  For her to say that my son told her he was "just Jason" was very hurtful and she even admitted that she saw his expression and knew she had hurt his feelings.  I asked her why she didn't say something and she gave me a chicken-shit answer that she really didn't think it was that big of a deal.  Honestly, it wasn't but when something like this happens every time you visit it turns into a big deal. She constantly makes him feel his is easily replaced and not a part of our family.

Another incident happened while I was still living at my mother's house.  I met my current boyfriend, Jason, at that time and moved in with him after moving from her house.  I would never have been able to get back on my feel as quickly without his help.  He was also divorced and living with his parents to save money while getting his masters.  There was over a 45 minute drive between us and he would stay over when the kids were at their dads.  This made her upset, but it made her even more upset when he stayed over one evening when the kids were there.  Both kids were asleep on a different floor, they didn't know he was there and never mentioned anything to me about him being there.  This was almost six months after we had started dating and were going to move in together.  My mother game me an ultimatum, I was 38 years old at the time, that I would not have any men over past nine on the nights the boys were there or I could move out.  I told her fine.  The very next night her friends one female and one male that she had slept with were in the garage, drinking and watching movies until 12 am.  I know because I was trying to sleep and so were my kids and could not because they were drunk and having a great time.  To this day she says she was justified with her ultimatum because I wasn't paying her half the expenses.  I was divorced, raising two kids, getting 162.00 a month in child support, paying an attorney, working a minimum wage job when she begged me to co-sign on a 152,000.00 home with a pool she couldn't afford.  I refused until she had a nervous breakdown and I finally agreed knowing it was a huge mistake.  Needless to say she kicked me out of the house because she did not want my boyfriend over there.  She claims she was so worried about the children, but denies any of her behavior was wrong.  So, to say he is a little uncomfortable with my mother would be an understatement.  He is always polite and respectful to her, all I was asking was for her to return the favor. I even explained to her the reason why he had slept over and that it was my fault.  She claims she talked to him and explained to him that she couldn't afford for him to take a shower and live there unless he was paying rent.  Let me just tell you that I moved out because her house was a party house and my ex-husband threatened to take my kids away if I stayed there any longer.  She has and never will admit that she was a bad influence on them as much or more than I while living there.  It was a hard time for both of us being newly divorced.  I resolved to disagree with her on this incident, but I don't and never will agree that because I didn't pay her enough rent money (which by the way I paid her by buying groceries that all her friends were welcome to, free hair and nail services, all my pictures, home decor, furniture, appliances, clothes, shoes, cleaning, etc. that I get no credit for although she still has them all) to live there.  It was a bad situation and I have moved out and moved on, but she still holds it against my boyfriend when he was possibly the least to blame and more concerned about the children that she will ever know.

I don't really understand how to get her to see my side of the equation.  Let's say she hates my boyfriend.  I don't really care and it isn't any of her business.  I'm 40 years old and I get to run my life.  If she ever found anyone she wanted to have a relationship with, trust  me if they made her happy, I would be happy.  I have told her repeatedly, I don't care what you think of him, but I don't want to be uncomfortable when I bring him around and if I am.... guess what?  I'm going to stop coming around.  She has said all my life she just wants me to be happy.  How can I be happy when every time I am happy, I can't share it with my family.  It isn't just my mom either, my sister is down right nasty to anybody that tries to join the family.  Anything he says or does she automatically hates.  Why do they have so little confidence in my ability to stand up for myself and tell men what is acceptable to me that they feel they have to defend me.  I know most of you think this is what families do, but is that true?  Do your siblings after three years ask you if HE is coming?  He has a name and yes, he is part of my family.  My sister's husband is a loving man, but not who I would have picked.  I have nothing in common with him, but I can see the love he has for her and their children.  He used to be addicted to cocaine, used to be jobless and homeless, and has health issues because of his hard life.  I have never judged him or made him feel like a freak when he talks about hunting or fishing.  I have been supportive of him when they were having rough times and she was going through post pardum depression.  I don't understand how she can look at him like he just slapped me across the face every time we walk into the house.  My brother has been the nicest to him of all, but he isn't around that much and has nothing in common with my boyfriend.  He at least is nice though.

The only justification I can muster in a defense to my family is they don't realize they are doing it.  They have always done it.  Our family is dysfunctional and cold when it comes to outsiders.  We don't trust easily and we are quick to exclude out of fear.  We aren't touchy feely and we don't hug.  Sometimes we don't even talk for weeks at a time.  I know this is how we have always been, but I have been working so hard to be open and honest with people that it is easier for me to take my boyfriend to my friends houses than to my own family functions.  It makes me dread the holidays.  It makes me want to send the kids and stay home.  I know I can't do that so I hope my family is serious that they will listen if I say, "you're doing it again."  I hope they won't start a huge scene, but if they do I will handle it calmly and maturely.  I will tell them their behavior is unacceptable to me and we will leave.  I'm tired of having to divide up my life into what other people will accept and if you can't accept my choice of who I am in a relationship with then you can't accept me.

I'm 40 years old and I'm tired of changing who I am to fit in with my family.  I'm not what they expect me to be, but I know they love me.  I don't expect them to love the people I love, but they can be nice to them.  So, as I go to yet another holiday like a sacrificial lamb to slaughter, I am hopeful they will see my happiness and celebrate it.  If they choose to wallow in the jealous pit and spread the hate, next year it will be without us.

Happy Thanksgiving

That Is Not In My Job Description....

Okay, so here I am being someone's mother again.  Are men really that shallow and selfish that every time they get into a relationship they start forgetting how to pick up clothes, do laundry, make their own personal grooming appointments, dentist appointments, doctor appointments?  Or is it just my fault, because I can't help myself?  What ever happened to the golden rule?  I do those things because I would love to have them done for me!  I would love to come home to a house free of floor clutter, the dishes done, cabinets wiped down and dinner ready and I can GUARANTEE a night of good sex EVERY TIME I did, yet does this ever happen?  No.  Am I a little upset?  Yes, hell yes!  What is it about me that I end up with a man that not only wants me to make his hair appointment, but then pay for it too?  Men that never get their clothes from the dryer to the closet, men that forget to flush the toilet, men that constantly overlook the overflowing trash can and leave their trash everywhere.  Men that promise one thing and always let me down, men that use romance as a get out of the dog house free card, and men that I can't respect because of all of the above.  Since when did being a life partner morph into being a mother?  I can't seem to find the balance in my relationships and I am uncertain if it is my behavior or that I have a broken picker.

I come from a long line of broken pickers.  I also think I'm so fixed in the role of a mother, it is very hard for me to let anyone else do for themselves.  One thing I have realized is that raising children is a lot different when they are thirty-five.  For example, my ten year old son is kind of short and can't reach the glasses so I am constantly fixing him something to drink.  Well, since I'm in there I usually get asked to get everyone else a drink too even though they are twice the size and if they wanted a drink, why in the hell didn't they get up and go get one AND fix the kid a drink too?  Why did I have to stop reading my book, get up, fix him a drink and hear, "Honey, can you get me some tea too?"  Now if this happened every once in a great while, I probably wouldn't notice.  If I didn't work two jobs, come home do dishes, make dinner, repeat dishes, wash clothes, feed cat, clean litter box and finally crash on the couch to sit back and look at my house that is messy, it probably would affect me either.  I have also found that my tweens seem to get the back scratching concept, so I'm wondering what is it about me being in a relationship with a man that makes everything so messed up?  If I do something special for the kids, they usually are more than willing to take the trash out or vacuum for me, so why is it that if I do anything for my life partner such as cook, clean, grocery shop, pick up a special shampoo, make a hair appointment, call his mother, etc. there is no special reciprocation?  And I don't want to brag, but I am not one of those women that hates sex.  Unless you have just puked up a lung, with a little encouragement you are pretty much guaranteed sex anytime.  I enjoy the hell out of my intimate time.  I am one of those rare breeds that believes sex cures a headache or a backache!  Sex is one of the few sports I enjoy.  Let me also quantify reciprocation by saying ANY household chore like putting clothes in the dirty clothes or folding laundry and putting it away would be special to me.  Every relationship I have ever had I have felt like a mom.  It is really difficult to get jazzed about someone when you feel like you are their parent.  Parents need breaks from their children.  Children are not partners with their parents.  I don't want a parent/child relationship with my life partner.

I seem to be stuck in this pattern and I'm at a loss as to how to get the results I am seeking from men.  So, here is my list that I will no longer be doing for men in my relationships:

1.  I will not take any responsibility for any man's personal hygiene or health.  You need a doctor, call one.  You need a haircut, call a stylist.  You need cold medicine, go to Walmart.  I am done being your mother and taking care of you.  You want my opinion on your hair, no problem.  I will give you suggestions all the day long, but I will not actively participate in any behavior that takes on your responsibility for your hygiene or health.  When was the last time a man called and made a doctor appointment for their wife's yearly exam?  NEVER!  Right?

2.  If we live in the same residence, I will require money for half of living expenses.  This is only for men that may be living with me at some point.  In the past I have supported people.  No more free rides.  If you want to be my partner, be one.  Pay half the rent, half the electric, half the water/trash, etc.  If you can't, move back in with your parents, I had to.  I will not be your parents and support you.  I have two children to support and I do not need another.

3.  I will not make any major life decisions for anyone but myself.  My life is pretty good.  I have a great little house, a crappy car and two wonderful children.  I have food in the fridge and clothes in the closet.  I have a couple great jobs and lots of friends.  If any man wants to join me on this journey called life that is great!  If any man wants me to move across the country to join his, sorry but I'm good right here.  If any man wants me to decide where he should work or take a promotion, guess you should make a pro and con list and decide for your self.  Who to vote for, what to major in college, whether to leave your wife, those are decisions I refuse to even give my opinion on any more.  Plus, they never listen to me anyway, so why in the hell would I waste my time!

4.  I will not do laundry.  If a guy has dirty clothes (and I know you do because they are laying all over your damn floor!) wash them, period.

5.  I will only cook when I'm hungry.  If .I'm not hungry and a man wants something to eat, go to McDonalds.

6.  PISS ON YOUR OWN TOILET!  I have two boys and I know sometimes you miss, but for goodness sake, if a man can't see that he just peed on a white toilet?  This is like me taking my own poop and smearing it on your steering wheel and then asking you to drive.  I will not clean piss off a toilet that a man has pissed on.  If my two boys can learn to wipe up messes, so can a grown man.  I could care less if you leave the seat up, but the seat better be clean.  This can also be applied to just your general area.  If you do make a snack, don't leave shredded cheese or chips on the floor.  Do men not know what a dustpan is for?

7.  This is the last one and it is huge.  I will not ask any man to be responsible for my responsibilities.  If I need my oil changed, I will pay a mechanic and make the appointment.  I will not ask a man to fix my sink, dishwasher or any other major appliance.  I will never ask a man to support me, I can work and I will.  I am responsible for my happiness and I will never expect any other person to make me happy or unhappy.  If a man decides out of love and the kindness of his heart that he would like to support me and help me through my journey in this world, I would forever be grateful that he took some time to think of me, but I would never take that for granted.  I will never ask a man to help me parent my kids.  I will expect them to behave in a way that models good behavior.  If a man wants to join me and be my partner then behaving in an appropriate manner to model what a good man does is required.  If you want to smoke or drink, go do it at your friend's house!  All adults have a responsibility to model good behavior for the children we are around.  I'm not asking a man to be a parent, just that they be an adult.

MAN - male form of adult human species.  ADULT - Responsible for all needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.

ADULT MAN - Male form of adult human species responsible for all HIS needs, health, hygiene, finances, lodging and transport that occurs in the normal course of a life.

As I write this it all sounds very crazy to me that this isn't common sense.  I truly believe that some of the fault lies with me and my behavior.  As an adult female, I have done all of the above out of love.  Why my love seems to enable men to slip back into that wonderful comfortable womb they enjoyed for so many years where their mother did for them, I don't understand.  Do they have no self respect?  Where is their pride?  Do they feel like since they are working forty hours they are thus entitled to come home like Al Bundy and sit on the sofa with their hands down their pants?  There is a reason that is funny!  It is supposed to be a joke!!  I'm not for a second saying I'm Martha freaking Stewart and keep a spotless house always full of five course meals, but my house is clean even if I worked a twelve hour day with two kids.  I pay my bills and then some.  I make all my appointments and all my kid's appointments.  I just am at a loss as to how this keeps happening to me and I'm very resentful and I hate it.  It is a lonely place.  I'm tired of trying to earn love when I feel like everyone deserves love and I would gladly take a partner that worked as hard as I do.  I get that partnerships are a compromise and communication is huge in keeping the resentment from building up, but my communication is mostly seen as nagging and I'm the only one that compromises.  I guess as long as I accept the above behavior it will continue to be a part of my life, so here is the line in the sand.

PARTNER - Male or female that loves you unconditionally and works with you to provide the best possible work environment.

That is my job description.

Good Girl vs. Bad Girl

I was getting my hair cut the other day and for some reason became incredibly convinced I needed to drastically change my style.  My hairstylist just laughed and asked, "Where did that girl come from?"  There she was staring me in the face with an awesome smile and a great cut!  I love her and there is no way I could live without her, but SHE is a bad girl. She is unpredictable, bat-shit crazy, and cocky!  Does that make me bad?  Am I a wolf in sheep's clothing?

An ex-something of mine facebooked me recently and commented that, "I wasn't a bad girl anymore."  Really?  I was a bad girl?  I'll admit I had a wild side, but I didn't think I was a bad girl.  Oddly enough he was commenting on my new haircut!

Do you ever have that part of your personality that intimidates people, makes people gasp, or actually inspires fear?  The big bad biker chick that wears boots and wants a shot of whiskey wearing a little too much make-up and laughing way too loud?  Well, I do.  When I used to go to clubs she even had her own name.  She is still there always lurking around to throw out that snappy one-liner.  She likes to talk me into bad choices and is a bad influence on my friends.  She is also a hell of a lot of fun! Now that we are both a little older, people that know me still miss her and tell me songs like "Fastest Girl in Town" remind them of her.  She seems like a long lost friend sometimes, but how quickly she can rise to the occasion!  I never did consider myself a bad girl though, even when I was making poor choices.

I wonder though after hearing that from one of my ex's, was that why it took me so long to get married?  That bad girl was a very selfish girl!  I did start to wonder at age 25 why all my friends were married and I wasn't.  I was still having fun, but my friends were all dropping like flies.  I was a bride's maid quite a few times and even organized a few bachelorette parties that are still a topic of conversation when the kids are gone.  Still, through all those crazy times in my twenties I was always the same good person.  What causes us to change so drastically at some point that we go from "bad girl" to "good girl"?  Is it getting married?  Is it getting older and having kids?  I know I certainly can't be making choices that could possible land me in jail with two kids and a mortgage.  Well, I could, but that would not be a good mother.  I never wanted to stop being a fun girl though, which my ex-husband certainly accused me of many times.  Where is the line?  When does fun cross over to the dark side?

I suppose it is when you are risking more than you are willing to lose.  I did learn those were words to live by in my twenties.  I look back on those times and feel very lucky I'm still alive.  I certainly risked more than I was willing to lose at times.  I guess he was right, I'm not a bad girl anymore.  Even bad girls grow up and evolve.  I must say that I really enjoyed being a "bad girl' at times and its really hard to let go of her.  I need her!  She is part of my confidence, my attitude, and my spontaneity!  All play and no fun makes Johnny a dull boy!  I guess it all depends on a person's definition of bad and good.  I have always seen things in the gray.  There are always two sides to every story and when you mix them together somewhere in the gray lies the truth.   Most clouds do have a silver lining and it is really hard to find something that is all bad to everyone.

Sometimes your ignorance clouds the reality that you are risking everything.  When you lie you risk your integrity.  The worst thing I did was lie to myself.  I was risking my life by fooling myself.  I lost myself in a marriage I never wanted, responsibilities I wasn't ready for, and lost opportunities I will always regret.  Fortunately a person is the sum total of ALL their choices and actions.  While I made bad choices, the outcome was incredibly good.  Ironically, it was my decisions as a "good girl" that were the bad choices.  By denying my true feelings that I never wanted to get married, that I wanted to travel the globe, that I wanted to  be a pirate, I was trying to be good!  I was doing what was expected of me by settling down, having kids, and becoming Martha Stewart.  I did turn out to be a great mom, but I was a horrible wife.  I yearn for travel and regret not majoring in marine biology.  I love my life, but I would have made an excellent pirate.  Not listening to my real feelings and being afraid to be "bad" kept me from being whole.

Therefore, I do embrace my bad girl.  I keep my hair crazy.  I tell my friends what I would do even if it isn't acceptable.  I yell at soccer games (only positive comments, but you aren't supposed to yell at all).  I drive too fast when my kids aren't in the car and flip people off.  I get artificial nails.   I watch porn. I eat ice cream for dinner.  I have red peep toe 6" pumps that I go dancing in.  I send my fiance sexy texts.  I flirt.  If a kid hits my kid first, you bet I'm gonna tell them to get up and kick their ass or at least tackle them until their friends can pull them off and I will stand by them no matter what the consequences.  I am still the girl you want walking you to the bathroom in case you get rushed.  I would probably throw my bra on stage at a concert, unless I paid over 40 bucks for it and if I was in New Orleans on Fat Tuesday I would be covered in beads.  I'm not someone every mother in law would love, but I'm damn sure one they can count on.  Sometimes being bad isn't bad and being too good is.  Even Sandra Dee had to put on a little leather at some point.

Reflecting On My Ah Ha's

Had some breakthroughs over the past year and wanted to jot them down so that I could come back and read them later.  My breakthroughs are mine, things that I needed to work on as a parent and as a person.

1.  Your life is your life and your children's life is their life.  I think as a re-formed overbearing, control freak of a mom sometimes I really feel for my kids and not in a good way.  I feel what I ASSUME they must be feeling, or I used to.  I realized that I don't have to feel for them anymore.  I choose how I feel.  I don't have to rehash my horrible pain from a dysfunctional childhood and re-feel it with my kids every time they are hurt or disappointed in some way.  I have learned to empathize without internalizing the feelings.  For example, if my ex-husband chooses to forget to pick them up, I don't have to feel rejected.  My kids might feel that way, or they might just realize that their Dad only thinks about himself and that guess what, we can walk home.  They might feel like they are perfectly capable of handling a situation AND telling their Dad later how it made them feel with absolutely no actions necessary on my part and no hurt feelings.  The relationship our children have with their father is totally dependent on all their actions and has nothing to do with me.  My ex-husband will either swing and miss or he will connect and get a home run with our kids, but I have learned I'm not a pinch hitter.  Empathy is much easier than internally feeling like HE did this to ME all over again.  The truth is he didn't do anything to me except lie and he has and will keep doing that I'm sure.  He is an untrustworthy selfish person, but this is not news.  The boys know this and have accepted it.  It was time for me to, as much as that hurts me, so I can forgive him and move forward.  He will never think these little lies are important, but I guarantee the boys will and they are going to be much more honest than he ever expected them to be, because they have learned it does make a difference if you promise to be on time and show up late.  It is called integrity.  Once you lose it with your children, you really never get it back.  I know this because my father never had any and my mother, until recently, never understood what it meant because she was always trying to protect me.  My mother is learning that no matter how hard you strive to manipulate a situation and lie to protect, the end does not justify the means.  Integrity is what I have with my children and trust comes from that.  I am honest with them every time, even if I messed up.  I don't blame work.  I don't blame anybody else.  I don't pretend to be there, I am.  If I need time for myself, I just tell them.  My life is not theirs to control just as theirs is not mine to control.  We are all individual people that have our own lives happening every day.  This has freed me from a huge amount of sadness and anger.  I sincerely hope that my ex-husband can at some point gain some integrity with our son's, but that is out of my control and I refuse to spend another second angry at him for his choices and for the mistakes of the past, present or future.

2.  The boys are growing up and you better stop treating them like babies.  :Letting go is so very difficult for me to do.  One reason is I just simply don't want them to grow up. I am having a blast right now with them talking about new discoveries and plans for the weekend.  I want to live in the now and savor all these times.  Of course I know with each year there will be more fun times, but let's face it, how many boys spend more than a couple of hours a week with their mom past age 17?  They will have jobs, girlfriends, cars, college and even if they live at home, I won't see them that much.  I can't tell you how heartbreaking that is to me.  Of course I will have more time to go out to lunch with friends, see movies, write, and do my personal hobbies, but just to come home and help them with homework or memorize their part in the play is so much fun for me.  I am truly going to miss having them around daily.  I dread it in all honesty.  I am excited for them to move forward with their lives, but I catch myself all the time thinking, is that the last time they will do that? My son lost his last baby tooth the other day and I still haven't thrown it away.  Unfortunately, these feelings also keep me from teaching them the necessary things they will need to progress.  So, this year I just have stopped being such a mom and looked at my job more like a teacher.  You want macaroni and cheese?  Ok let's go into the kitchen and I'll help YOU make it.  You have no clean pants, well let me show you this handy dandy thing called a washer/dryer!  You need money for the bake sale at school?  Well I need the lawn mowed, get on it and I'll pay you some money.  I was not doing them any favors by wallowing in my pit of guilt over divorcing their father, nor was I doing them any service by keeping them little a little longer.  Surprisingly, but probably only a surprise to me, they have responded well and have more confidence.  They try new things, voice opinions and have better grades without me always checking to see if they are doing homework.  I have no doubt they will never be the cleanest kids in the dorm, but I do think they will thrive and prosper.  Hopefully I won't sit in my rocking chair and cry my eyes out every week when my boys become men, but they will always be my babies.  Good thing is I don't have to treat them like babies anymore.

3.  I make a difference.  Plain old 40 year old mom of two from the midwest.  I touch so many peoples' lives every day and I make a difference.  I am closest to my children's hearts, loved my many and would be sorely missed if I just disappeared tomorrow.  There is no reason for me to EVER wonder if my kids would be better off without me around, if my friends would miss me, if my family would get along better.  I know deep in my heart that I matter.  I also know in my heart that my positive force matters in this universe.  I matter in a million different ways that may always go unnoticed, but the bottom line is I matter.  I have an inner confidence that can't be broken.  I still doubt my decisions sometimes and wonder if I am making the best choices, but I know I will handle whatever life my throws my way.  I have seen even the weakest people overcome, the smallest things touch a heart, and the power of one word to transform.  I get it now and there is no stopping me.

4.  Growing up is not a lot of fun and this is why it takes people so long to do.  People will avoid growing up as long as humanly possible.  We blame, we hide, we lie and we refuse at times to think and act like an adult.  We want to be selfish children as long as allowed.  Some people are allowed to be selfish children a long long time teaching their children that its okay to be a selfish child, even as a parent.  It's not okay.  All the crappy parents out there, they aren't bad parents.  They aren't parents at all.  They are selfish children that never learned to grow up.  I appeared grown up for a long time.  I got married, graduated college, had two kids, got divorced but never truly grew up.  When I was a stay-at-home mom, I took care of all the children's needs, did all the duties I was expected, and got more resentful of my ex-husband who did not play his part in the game of "house".  I got upset, yelled, screamed for attention, blamed, lied and kept wondering why doesn't anybody love me?  Ever tried to love a two year old?  The only thing that saves most two year olds from being killed is they are really cute.  A thirty-something two year old screaming in your living room throwing the remote at you is not cute.  I went to work, made a living, got in debt by being totally irresponsible with the money I made and blamed it on my ex-husband for doing the same thing.  Was I having fun?  Hell no, because I wanted to be a grown up, but had no idea how to.  Playing house or going to work doesn't make you an adult.  Growing up is being calm even when all hell has broke loose because you know it really isn't going to mean anything next week.  Growing up means accepting responsibility for your choices and actions even if no body else does.  Growing up means being honest period especially with yourself.  Growing up means letting go of a lot of things, people, and opportunities, because things aren't important, people don't always grow up at the same time, and what seems like something you would really like to do may not be the best decision for your children.  Growing up means knowing money and love don't fix nothing!  Communication fixes most things, or at least keeps the door open long enough for love or money to help.  Knowing how to communicate honestly without letting emotions getting in the way is the hardest part of being a grown up.  It is easy to throw a fit, but putting aside your feelings and THINKING about the other person, that is hard.  Growing up is going without, budgeting, sacrifice, teaching, taking the time, thinking of others and knowing you are responsible for your own choices all the time and NOT blaming anyone but yourself.  Growing up is forgiving yourself for making mistakes and forgiving other people for theirs even if it means you forgive and move on.  Being a grown up is asking what can I do first before even thinking about calling anyone else, and then doing it.  Being a grown up is hard work and who ever said hard work was supposed to be fun?  The only consolation is when you get really old, people treat you like a baby again.

5.   Never assume anything.  The biggest obstacle to communication is our assumptions of what the other person is saying.  IF we assume we do not fully hear!!  Assumption is OUR doubt.speaking, or our judgement, but either way there will be no communication until there is no assumption.  I try to start every conversation or confrontation with a clean slate.  It is hard especially with a historical precedent.  Assumptions affect our confidence, our attitude and even our facial expressions.  Don't judge a book by it's cover is so true, but we should never assume anything before investigating, asking questions, listening and learning.  Don't assume, listen.

6.  Aspire to be yourself.  Did you ever try to have a three course holiday dinner for your in-laws with perfect china, a pristine clean house down to the baseboards and a Christmas setting in every room complete with theme music playing on the house surround system?  Yes, I did and that Christmas will live in infamy as the Christmas I became Martha Stewart on crack and guess what?  Nobody appreciated my effort and even criticized me for making separate dishes for the kids.  Like I was a bad mom for thinking they might like home-made mac-n-cheese instead of roasted Cornish hens?  I love Martha Steward, she is my hero.  She isn't however, me.  I can cook, but not clean up after.  It stresses me to the max to have more than five people in my house at one time.  I was trying to impress my in-laws that were un-impressible and only succeeded in ruining my Christmas.  My only small victory was that was the one and only time my ex-husband defended me in front of his mother when she blamed me for not making his favorite dish, ham loaf.  I have tried to be many things over the years, but always trying to be what other people expect you to be never gets you anywhere, but miserable.  There is really nothing wrong with making chili for Christmas dinner.  I make chili really well and it is my recipe.  I am not a Victoria Secret model, but I do like pretty panties and bras.  Do I have to be six feet tall with long legs to look good in lacy underwear?  No, I like them and I deserve to wear things I like whether or not I'm a size 6 or 16.  I enjoy going to the salon.  Does that make me shallow because I don't want to look my age?  Probably, but damn it's who I am.  Haircolor, nail polish, and a facial make me feel good.  I'm not trying to be twenty again, I really love going to the salon and talking to my friends.  I don't have to be a super model or a super mom!  I can just be me and that is pretty damn good.  I love who I am and if I don't some days, I'm not gonna cry about it much.  I will change it and that will be okay too.  I am going to be myself from now on and be pretty proud of it.

Anyway, those are just some of the things that have been rattling around in the old noggin as this year rapidly comes to an end.  Funny how the holidays bring on bouts of reflection.  Must be the Dickens in me!

Pets Don't Live Long Enough

I really have no need to get married again.  Not exactly what a person looking for a long term relationship wants to hear.  I'm in a good place financially.  My credit score is pretty good.  My tax return is looking promising.  I am done having kids.  I really don't want to change my name.  I could give you a million different reasons NOT to get married, but it really only comes down to one reason.  I don't want to.  I'm afraid.  I failed.  Yes, it took two people, but my marriage was a complete failure.  I was a good wife and I loved my husband for most of my marriage until it became painfully clear NOTHING I did or was going to do would ever matter to my husband or change our relationship.  I am successfully co-parenting with my ex-husband, but I would never want to return to that relationship.  I do want a life partner.

I want to have a relationship.  Why? (Insert my mother's voice here)  I do believe I would be just fine if I spent the rest of my life doing my hobbies, going to my children's and/or grandchildren's activities and traveling, but I want to hold hands with someone I love.  I want love!  I deserve it just as much as any other human being.  Yes I have friends and family that love me, but I want physical intimacy, as well as emotional. A friend recently suggested to me via Facebook that maybe women are soul mates and men are just friends to have fun with.  Sadly, I just have quit believing in the notion of a soul mate.  I can't however stop thinking that being a partner has to be an attainable goal.  How difficult is it for another human being to be my partner?

It turns out it is pretty damned difficult.  Why?  Apparently, because I am fiercely independent, do not trust easily, afraid of rejection, give too much, and have boundary issues.  I also really don't like confrontation, have a crazy ass family, and two wonderful kids that I don't need any help parenting.  How do you find a partner with the patience and skills to navigate that baggage that doesn't have kids?  Yes, I'm also not agreeing to parent anyone else's children, not because I hate other people's kids, but because I don't want to take time away from my kids that have been through enough already.  Do I even have the right to ask this of another person?  Am I selfish too?  Maybe a little, but maybe not.  Why can't I ask for what I want in a relationship without feeling like I'm asking for too much?  Is a partner too much to ask for?  Isn't there a yen to my yangs?  

I have tried in my current relationship to "not sweat the small stuff".  Like the fact that the toilet paper is always sitting on the counter and never on the roll, or that he can have all day off and when I get home from work there are dishes still in the sink, and even the fact that he gets into bed every night with the covers hopelessly balled up underneath him waiting for me to come spread them out and tuck him in like a two year old.  All these things, while small, get on my nerves.  I tell myself, I can handle these things and they are "part of his personality".  It is the huge issues like not having his half of the bills repeatedly and telling me he will pick up the children and then failing to do so that has me perplexed.  Partners don't lie.  Partners ask if there are things they can do to help and then do them!  I am in yet another relationship that is vastly one-sided.  The physical intimacy is there, but the emotional erosion has started.  I have no doubt I am in love and this relationship has potential, but a marriage certificate doesn't fix any problems.  I feel like the small issues can be worked on, but the huge issues shouldn't even be there!  I'm sure I talk to much when he is studying and I am too needy sometimes, but I have never told him I would give his mother a ride and then blown him off for something I wanted to do.  In fact I have went above and beyond to make sure he knows things in his life that are priorities are mine also.  Everyone has issues that keep them from always being good partners, but how long do you give someone to get in the game?

I guess the bottom line is I want a partner that loves me enough to value my life whatever may be happening in it.  I want a partner that thinks love is a verb not just a word to say to get me to smile or forgive.  I want a partner to love for life so I can walk in the Scottish Highlands with someone, dance in my bedroom to Sinatra, and pets just don't live long enough.

Lucy, I'm Home...

I have come to a conclusion about my life after my divorce.  It is normal.  It is a daily routine that can be boring, fun, simple, relaxing, and just plain normal.  Work, kids, soccer, making dinner, grocery shopping, decorating for the holidays and just living life wonderfully normal.  Now that we are moved in and all the boxes are unpacked, I am just so content.  I can't even express to people how complete I feel.  Part of it is this grand accomplishment of buying my own home, but there is something deeper that has happened in my life.  I think for the first time in my life I am living honestly.  I do the things that I enjoy and appreciate normal.  There is no drama because I don't allow it or create it.

Anger is not a regular part of my daily routine.  Yes, I do get angry, but it doesn't happen daily.  I seem to have this calm center that I've never quite tapped until now.  I also still worry, but now it is more like running into a cobweb.  I acknowledge it and wipe it away vowing to clean a little better the next time, to prepare.  I'm in a good place mentally and literally.  My children are doing well and this feels like exactly where I was trying to be all those years ago.  I'm home.  I can finally say that I want to be here.  I do have a wandering spirit and the call of distant horizons will always be attractive to me in some fashion, but I really have a strong sense every time I pull into my driveway that I'm coming home.  Entering that peaceful zone that no one and nothing can touch.

Although I do think having  my own home is a huge part of this feeling, I know that the only constant in life is change and in a few years I will have to make some choices that may take me away from this house.  I'm not afraid of those changes, rather I think I can embrace them now.  I feel like I can take this feeling with me even if everything changes.  I know it is inevitable that my kids are growing up and getting prepared for a life that is their own.  We have and will always have a connection that will hold us together over any distance, but their lives may take them on a journey that is different from my own and I will celebrate that path with no fear because they are prepared.  I am prepared for the rest of my journey.  I have a confidence in myself that I really am living my life.

Is it the life I pictured when I was a teenager?  No, it is very different from the life I imagined as a child.  With no fear or limitations, I imagined myself a marine biologist.  I was swimming with dolphins and really tan.  I traveled the globe and made important discoveries.  However, I can read articles and watch shark week to keep my interest in that alive today.  I have two boys that are sponges when it comes to information and love to investigate my ideas with me about marine biology or just the reality of global warming and how that affects us.  I may not be a marine biologist, but I can inspire my kids with a love of nature and fill their minds with questions.  I can give them a confidence to go forth and learn or do anything, and not because I'm there for them, but because they can.  They don't need me there.  They are prepared for anything and can handle life.  I'm so proud they have confidence in themselves.  I hope the life they are picturing now is the life they live.  It is exciting for me to watch them grow now that I'm not afraid for them all the time.  They will become adults solely dependent on themselves and this is a great and wonderful thing for them to accomplish!!  I'm really really glad it is more than a few years away, but I am very glad I have the confidence to let it happen now.  Responsibilities I have now as a parent do put some limitations on my life, but being a parent is far better than swimming with dolphins.  I will encourage them to become adults before starting down a path that limits any opportunities for them, but only because it is easier to swim with dolphins when you are only paying for one plane ticket.  No this isn't the life I pictured when I was a teenager, but it is my life and I love it.

There are changes and things I still want to accomplish in my life, but this feeling of being home and being centered will always be something I want to keep constant.  It is such a wonderful feeling!  The best part about it is I can take it anywhere I need to.  I am home.

Reality TV

Does anyone else feel like their family should be an episode of Intervention, Hoarders, Celebrity Rehab, or some other off the wall reality show?  I like to think my life is pretty boring.  Soccer mom, divorced with a semi-amicable relationship with my ex-husband, recent home buyer and in a relationship doesn't make for headlines, but I like it.  I'm comfortable and I enjoy my yard and my kids' activities.  I have friends over occasionally, but just for dinner or the occasional board game night.  Why is it that it feels like I'm watching a flood roll in from ten miles away?  My immediate family hovers on the brink of disaster.

Someone in my family has a secret.  It is a time bomb ticking away in my lap.  I know the secret, but then I know all the secrets.  I'm the bank.  I'm the normal one that everyone runs to.  I'm the rock, the sounding board, the liar to all.  I can't tell any of them the truth without getting swallowed by the flood.  This time it is different though.  It is the big one.  The 40 days and 40 nights flood that will wipe out everything.  There is no escape and it is far reaching.  It's the point in the episode where everyone will gasp in disbelief and then be on edge until next week's show.

I hate reality TV.  I have never understood the point of watching people struggle through horrible times in their lives.  Even Survivor was just really fake and pointless to me, because when you are forced into a survival mode you don't make friends or allies.  Real people trying to survive go for the throat the first time and it doesn't get drug out over weeks and weeks.  My reality is that most people can and will do the unthinkable to survive and when you live on survival mode for long enough, you make really poor choices.  It's like a person dying of thirst in the ocean.  You know you can't drink salt water, but you are so thirsty after a few days, many people will do it anyway.

I stopped operating on survival mode just in this last year.  I'm really doing well.  My kids are really doing well.  I'm seriously considering getting married again at some point to my boyfriend of almost three years and the prospect of that doesn't scare me into a destructive spiral of bad behavior.  I'm not testing people anymore.  I'm not as angry as I was.  I really have whole weeks where I'm just really happy for the first time in my life.  So why is it that I feel like I've climbed to higher ground only to see that the mountain is covered in snow that is slowly melting and rolling down towards me?

I've also decided to start working seriously on my writing.  I have a promising book idea that seems to be evolving well.  I feel like sometimes I have to hurry through my life just in case the bomb explodes.  I feel this intense urgency to become very financially stable, or at least enough so that I can run away if I have to.  I don't want to be here when the bomb goes boom.  I don't want to deal with the broken pieces that will be left.  I didn't choose any of this and I don't deserve this.  I don't want to feel any of the pain this is going to cause.  Can't somebody please write me off this show or vote me out?

I guess I will just have to ride out this storm like all the others.  Maybe they will surprise me and be able to overcome this disaster.  Maybe this is supposed to teach me that family endures and I should trust they will always be there for me, as screwed up and twisted as they are, but there.  Maybe this will destroy them and I won't have to bank their problems on my doorstep.  I just don't want to survive anymore.  I want to get ahead.  I want the light at the end of the tunnel and to come out in the fresh air.  I want to sing and dance like the Sound of Music!  I want to exhale not sigh. 

The Right Thing To Do

So, my Step-Dad was in an accident.  A serious accident, one that he caused and could have been avoided easily, but an accident none-the-less.  I have been posting on Facebook his recovery and talking to some of my friends that live in the same town as him.  His accident happened while he was on vacation in another state and my immediate family had to leave work, children and pay for hotels and gas to go be with him.  I stayed here helping take care of their homes, spouses, kids and yards.  I worried and waited to hear that he was recovering through ups and downs.  Since I haven't had much of a relationship with him in the last few years, many people assumed I could have cared less, told me I should be up there with my siblings and my mother, and told me how lucky I was he was still alive and that I should forgive him and go see him.

I ask you, what is the right thing to do?  Do I even want to be right?  I really could care less about what any of those people think about me.  I do love my Step-Dad and I certainly would never wish him any harm, but why should the fact that he went to another state on a motorcycle he wasn't used to riding and conditions he wasn't used to riding in, had an accident not wearing a helmet, and was severely injured make all that he has done and said over the past few years ok?  Did I mention there is some talk of him forgetting to pay his insurance before he left?  This is going to possibly ruin his life and my biological mother's because of a huge medical expense the insurance may not cover and I'm supposed to forgive him for everything and run over there to help him?  Is that the right thing to do?

I had one friend tell me, "He provided you a good childhood."  Really?  Like you have any idea how it feels to be told, "Well you aren't really MY daughter."  I wanted to do the wrong thing and tell her to take a motorcycle ride off a cliff too.  I didn't, I politely told her it was complicated and that I was thankful she had offered any help to my Step-Dad whom she barely knows.  If she knew how he really felt and had told me her whole family was a worthless bunch of drunks with no sense, she might not be offering to go make him dinner.

I am glad he is recovering and I will go help him if he needs it, but not because of him.  I will go to ease the burden on my other family members that do feel obligated to help him.  I don't feel like the fact that he was irresponsible and risked his life doing something stupid deserves a total change in my attitude.  I also refuse to feel sorry for him if his irresponsibility causes the family business to go under.  I wish people could see him and the way he has treated me before they open their mouths.  I am really angry at him for putting my brother and sister in a position to have to risk their jobs, income, time with their children, etc. so he could go live out his mid-life crisis with two of his buddies that left as soon as the helicopter life-flighted him off the mountain.  I'm angry that only two of his family members only came down for two days and spent most of their time driving my mother out of the room and undermining the relationship she had with the doctors when they weren't sleeping in the hotel.  I'm angry at his other family members that stayed here and criticized every little move we made and when it was discovered he didn't pay the insurance got angry at my mother and I for leaving the business in his hands like all of this is our fault??  Once again, I'm so angry that I really don't want to go see him or any of his family that will now swoop over in force to appear they care just in case anybody is paying attention.

How in the hell can anyone tell me what the right thing to do is when they don't know my life, my relationships, or my heart?  For all I know, he might not want me to come over there and they have no idea if he would or not.  I do know that I have asked him for help on several occasions and was told he could not help me.  The difference is he could have helped me, he chose not to.  I have helped him and will continue to help him, may not be directly, but it is still help.  I feel this is the right thing to do because it is the loving thing to do.  I love myself enough to stay in the background and not open myself up for any further pain, but I will still help my loved ones help him.  Sometimes being there isn't the right thing, but it isn't the only thing you can do.

I Try... Why Doesn't He?

Right at this moment I feel such utter and complete dispair at the total failure of my ex-husband to accept responsibility for the emotional well being, financial support, and day to day care of our children. I used to excuse it away explaining to myself that if he isn't aware, not intelligent enough, or educated enough to see his responsibility then I was in part to blame for not standing up for my kids and telling him what they needed. I started communicating thier needs and even took him back to court to more clearly define his responsibilities and mine. I would notify him of appointments and conferences, but he still was late, had an excuse or just flat forgot. He doesn't live up to his financial responsibility and now has taken on more children in a second marriage and never offers any support other than what is deducted from his paychecks. No school suppiles, no doctor co-pays and he even switched to a cheeper insurance carrier that excluded all of the doctors the children see as in-network providers while telling me I would have to just find new doctors or pay all the extra costs myself. I don't mind telling you that I have such a deep and utter disgust of this man that I once pledged til death do us part that I feel as though I may vomit if I have to talk with him again.

Of course, I will have to talk to him. I will have to be a mature, caring, stable adult and try to work out my issues through the proper legal channels all the while working out soccer schedules and school functions. I will be the best influence in our children's lives. I will give them security and they will see me happy and healthy so they know what that is and they can model that behavior. However, when they don't see me I will cry. I am crying now. Huge tears that won't stop because I am so hurt that I have deal with an irresponsible, immature jerk that doesn't value his children enough to pay a 57.00 dentist bill. Who does that? Who says my children aren't worth 57.00? Who says my children aren't worth taking off work to take them to the dentist? What kind of father doesn't know you have to take kids to the dentist?

The real problem is now, he does know. He is fully aware that we must take our kids to the dentist, make them do homework, feed them, buy them clothes, talk to them about thier interests, love them no matter what and he has made the choice not to. I am left puzzeled by this. I guess I never realized it was a choice. My only choice was to become a parent. I chose that! I planned it, we discussed it, agreed on it and did it. I didn't think that if I hated changing diapers that I simply would refuse to do it, or if I was tired and the baby woke up at 3 a.m. I would just ignore it, but he did. I never knew that if potty training was too difficult I could just simply get angry and give up letting the boys wear pull-ups instead, that if I didn't feel like playing with a toddler I could shut myself in a bathroom for two hours, or that if I didn't want to watch Barney I could go golfing all day, but he did. Now as the boys get older they don't want to spend as much time with him and he doesn't understand why. He makes then cut thier hair military style and stay away from electronics. He has a new family he makes them participate in which sometimes they enjoy, but most of the time it just "feels weird".

I would never choose anything, anyone, or any life without my children being at the foremost of my thoughts. I don't understand how he can make choices that deprive his children of essential things like healthcare and blame me for being a bad mother. He makes almost three times my income and sometimes they don't eat dinner because he claims he couldn't afford it. He has two vehicles and he had three but gave his father one. I don't think he owes me a damn dime, but it is in the divorce petition that we each have an equal responsibility to pay medical expenses over what insurance does not cover. Am I supposed to take him back to court every time I take the kids to the doctor? Why can't he try to be a good father?

I have never claimed to be a perfect person or mother of the year, but I will never stand by and make my children go without basic needs. There are no "things" that I wouldn't go without to ensure our children were given access to healthcare. Even if I only saw them once a week I would guarantee they would have toothpaste, toothbrushes, clothes, food, clean shelter and medication they need at the absolute least and he chooses to ignore these needs. What kind of person can do that? How could I be so blind to have married him? I am honestly amazed at his complete and total failure as a father and my heart is obliterated. I feel nothing for this man not even an once of sympathy or compassion. My only hope is our children can look at what he does as an example of selfishness to be avoided. I have no doubt in my mind a day will come when they feel only pity for him and that is not a basis for a loving mature relationship. It makes my soul completely sad. I try so very hard to be a good mother. I don't understand why he doesn't try to be a father at all.

Home Owner Again....

Well, the planets aligned (almost) and I have signed a contract to purchase a home.  A very small home, but it has a nice charm to it and a covered patio that I can't wait to enjoy this fall.  It's literally across the street from the schools the boys will attend for the next few years and far enough away from my mother that she won't be driving by all the time.  It's also not that close to my ex-husband, but still in the same town.  I'm slightly apprehensive about being back in the same town as him, but I'm on a busier street this time, so hopefully no flat tires.  Nothing quite stirs up anxiety like spending upwards of 80,000 dollars.  Although I know in my heart this is the best move for me and my children, I have never been solely responsible for that much debt.  Since becoming debt free just a month ago, I was a little hesitant to jump right back off the deep end.  As a friend reminded me though, what exactly did you work so hard to get out of debt for then?

My logical side is cheering me on with spreadsheets that show how much money I will be saving in gas and my monthly payments will be cut in half!  Logically, I can show everyone how smart a move this is, but I can't shake my nerves.  I don't know why I have such anxiety about my decisions, even when those decisions are the smart thing to do.  I suppose it is my lack of confidence in myself rearing its ugly fanged self.  I have done my pro/con sheet and nothing on the con side even compared to the pro side.  I am truly very excited about everything except I had to give up a bathroom, but I on the bright side of that I only have one left to clean!  I enjoy cleaning the bathroom about as much as going to the dentist.  I also have boys, so if all else fails they could pee outside and probably will whether I give them permission or not.  I will also be building equity and repairing my credit which is getting ahead right?  Throwing away a paycheck every month on rent when I could be building equity is craziness right?  I know logically my stomach should not be churning and the stress of packing and moving and switching my internet provider will be a thing of the past in a few months, but it doesn't seem to ease the tension I feel.

One of the biggest cons was the reaction I was receiving from my fiance.  He did not want to move.  He did not want the stress of moving and driving farther for work and school.  He did not care that I would have to get up an hour earlier, take one son into town and wait 45 minutes to drop the other son off and pay latchkey or have both kids walk almost a mile after school to my mothers or arrange someone to pick up my oldest son.  He has a nasty habit of superficially looking at a situation and not seeing how much stress I carry around.  It is hard to get up early EVERY day and add on an two hours travel time to my day and worry constantly if the people I have appointed to watch my children are going to follow instructions.  Not to mention the fact that my children HATE latchkey and don't want to be shuttled around from place to place losing homework and adding stress to their lives.  He just goes to work, goes to school and comes home.  He also forgets last year when I asked him to take the kids to late start Wednesday for me and he threw a fit like a baby!  I don't want to rely on other people to get my tweenies where they need to go.  I want them to be responsible and learn to be on time.  They are overjoyed that they can ride bikes to school and home after school.  They are elated they have a yard and more room.  They are already pestering me to get a cat.  Why do kids do that?  What is this insatiable need to keep a living thing in the house?  His anger and frustration regarding the purchase is causing me no end of anxiety.  I did finally tell him he had lots of choices.  He could move back in with his parents, he could get a one bedroom in the complex we currently rented, or he could trust me and stop being a negative, blaming jerk.  Trust has always been an issue in our relationship, but its times like these that it gets hammered home yet again, he doesn't trust me.

I do trust me to make this decision and I know it is a good decision based on the information I have available.  I can afford it, in fact, it is a good financial decision.  It is a healthy decision for my self confidence and my independence.  I feel good that I can provide a home for my kids where they can feel comfortable, safe and secure.  It will make my life easier and in the long run less stressful.  I have a good job, I know how to fix a leaky faucet and I know how to call in an expert if I can't fix something.  I have friends in the home repair and remodel business that I can count on.  I know this is a good move for me, I'm just not sure it will be a good move for us.  I hope he will come around and in a few years if he starts a PhD program, we will make other decisions.  The funny thing about not having any trust in someone you love is it erodes that person's confidence even if that isn't that person's intent.  I'm learning to accept that his lack of trust has more to do with his family experiences and his past marriages than myself, but it is difficult.  It hurts when the one person you want to spend your life with forever seems to have zero confidence in you.  Do I want to spend my life being doubted regarding every decision I make?  Life seems to short for me to live this way.  I did finally tell him that I was fine if he didn't support me in this, but it didn't change the fact that I WAS  BUYING THE HOUSE.  I have learned in my 40 years that you always have a choice.  Sometimes the choice is between shit and shit, but you always have a choice.  I wasn't forcing him to do anything and never would.  I didn't make him sign the lease, didn't tell him we were over if he didn't move with us, didn't make him feel like crap.  The only thing I was doing was buying a house.  If he wanted to think that he had to move with us or break up, then that was his choice.  I personally think with graduate school he might be better off getting a small apartment and doing his research and writing there and then coming to our house when he had free time, but he didn't see it that way.  No trust in me and no trust in us.  I am also starting to suspect no trust in himself.  I will admit I have my doubts about his ability to obtain his goals in higher education, but I don't doubt that he will try at the expense of everything and everyone else.  While I admire his passion, I hate that his personality is inherently selfish.  Whether that is due to his ADD or just his immaturity, I do not know.  For now, I guess he has jumped on board and is making plans for the "vinyl" room and his study.  He claims to trust me and complained that he just felt out of the circle of trust.  I informed him that he removes himself from the circle of trust when he displays a complete lack of faith in me and my decisions.

Anxiety and excitement are often dance partners in many of my decisions, but none more than this one!  I hope in a few years when I have some savings built up, my comfort level is up and all is good that I can look back on this blog and laugh at how silly all my worries were.  I hope the air conditioner lasts at least one summer and the insulation isn't about as good as toilet paper, but if shit happens, I'll handle it.  I tell my kids a bunch, "It's cool!  Mommy's got this."  And I do, I got this and it feels pretty great!  I'm a home owner, again.

The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

As my sister was calling me on Father's Day for the third time, I started to feel that sinking guilty feeling creeping up on me.  I started feeling the sorrow, the pain and the anger too, but then I hung up and let it go.  I spent Father's day all by myself and loved every second of it.  I just refuse to celebrate a day that has never had an once of meaning for me.  What I needed, expected, craved in a father was never present for me, so why should I be expected to reciprocate anything to any of the men that were supposed to fulfill that role?  I've heard so many times, "It takes more than sperm donation to make a man a father."  It also takes less than a second to teach a little girl she is worthless and she should seek out men that think she is worthless, because that's what love is.

I honestly don't even know what a great dad is.  I know what he is not.  I had some friends that loved their fathers and I respected them and the relationship they had with my friends.  I have had friends that I thought were good fathers and that were very engaged with their family.  My experience was not without love, but it was confusing and dangerous.  Love came at a great cost and had many strings attached.  In the end, the cost to my self was too high and I cut the strings.  Unfortunately, I didn't come away free and clear.  Those men shaped my future.  As if trying to repair all the damage done to that little girl, I sought out men just like them to fill that empty void inside my heart.  Or maybe it was just what I knew and what was comfortable for me to be around, so I chose good providers, strong silent types, shy guys that didn't know how to communicate, or just plain jerks that everyone viewed as the tough guys.  All were emotionally unavailable, immature, selfish bullies that needed a woman that would feed their self-esteem, give them unconditional love and leave them to prove finally what an unworthy bitch she was like they had presumed all along.  A few were clinically depressed, many were alcoholic or addictive personalities, but all of them were basically the same men as my fathers had been.  All of them have had wonderful qualities about them, but the underlying traits that make it hard to have a relationship with them were there.  Selfish, immature, problems with communication, and the inability to accept responsibility seem to be hallmarks with the men I get involved with.  The trickiest part of all is they seem to hide it pretty well until after I fall in love with them.  I'm not fully convinced that this is deception on their part, as much as it is blindness on mine.  It is such a deeply rooted need to be validated and loved  by my father that will never be fulfilled and the result is a blind spot that clouds my vision when viewing potential mates.  Along with a few other 100 pounds of baggage I drag along to my dates, I take this cloudy vision and go merrily on my way in search of a drama free, loving relationship.  Simple right?

As it turns out, no.  Relationships, no matter what your baggage weighs, are hard.  That is why there are counselors, therapists, life-coaches and television shows dedicated to how people navigate through them, because they can suck in a big way.  Why do people continue to pursue them?  It's nature, we like to school, pack, herd, whatever you call it, it's just the human animal doing what it does.  I believe it is in my nature to complicate things as much as humanly possible  I think too much.   I worry too much.  I make up things to complicate a relationship before they are even an issue.  I self-preserve, make excuses, jump in head first, and then hate myself in the morning.  I also love to work a relationship to death, apparently. Even when things are going well, I'm not at peace.  So maybe it's just my nature to struggle?  What is that old saying, "Anything worth having is worth fighting for," so on I struggle.


My biggest struggle regarding my fathers was neglect.  I like to describe my biological father as driftwood that floated along in and out of my life, but essentially hollow and meaningless with a mysterious quality.  My step-father was more like a tool.  He was useful at times depending on the job, but if you weren't careful he could hurt you very badly and by the time the job was finished, he was always lost.  Another man that tried to be a father figure to me was a youth counselor at church.  As an inquisitive teen, I spent a brief and heartbreaking year in church.  Although this man was a sweet, caring and very religious person he was also seeking validation.  He didn't get what he was seeking and crushed any respect for him I would have had for all his teaching in the process.  Another male authority figure I had growing up was my high school P.E. Coach.  I still have the paper I wrote about him my freshman year of college.  I always wanted a dad like him and I suspect he always wanted a daughter like me.  The best thing he did for me was to let me know he cared and he was watching out for all of us kids.  I will say he was the closest thing to a father I have ever had, but I graduated high school and he had other kids to teach.  He is retired now and has lots of grand-kids to spoil.  He still gives me a big old bear hug whenever he sees me and he tried to set me up with his son to no avail.  Even though my teacher and my youth group leader were nice guys, they still couldn't replace the void left by my real father and I was left with the realization that all men leave.  They are not a permanent fixture, only an accent piece.  


I had no trust in men and was fairly sure this was just the way men are supposed to be.  Whether or not that belief contributed to the subsequent failure of all my future relationships or not, which I suspect it did subconsciously, it did play a huge role.  No relationship can exist without trust and the trust a little girl has in her parents will influence her future relationships.    I learned from my fathers that it was normal and okay for them to be gone for long periods of time, to not know where I was or who I was with, that I was less interesting than anything they had going on even if it was just a cigarette, and that it was perfectly acceptable to behave in any way they liked even if it included hurting me or the people around me.  My biological father took drugs, sold drugs, and placed me in dangerous situations.  He drove drunk with me in the vehicle.  He left me unattended with people that did not have my best intentions at heart.  I knew at age nine I was more emotionally mature than he would ever be and could manipulate him into doing exactly what I wanted.  I learned that they were paychecks, drivers or that if they found out what I was doing, they were dangerous.  My step-father had explosive anger that was barely under control and our household was like a volcanic hot spot.  It didn't matter what you did really, as long as you weren't standing close enough when the eruption happened.  Luckily for us, he wasn't around that much.  He was a business owner and provided for us very well monetarily, just never emotionally.  It's difficult to have a relationship with a volcano.  You can respect its power, but you can't hug it and if you choose to play within it's borders, you do so at your own risk.  So as father figures go, I got driftwood, a volcano, a teacher and a liar.  Not ideal, but I turned out okay.


Now that I'm nearing mid life, I have accepted that these men did the very best they could.  They all loved me in their own way.  Was it they way I needed them to?  Hardly, but you can't change the past only the way you let it influence your life.  I am still angry with them sometimes and I don't have any contact with any of them on a regular basis.  Mostly, I am just sad for my biological father.  He was responsible enough to realize that he didn't have the maturity to be a good father and had a vasectomy.  My step-father and biological mother gave me two siblings that I cherish beyond words.  He did provide for my basic needs growing up and we did have some fun times that he was actually present for.  I love all of them, but the pain they bring into my life is far greater than the love I receive from them.  I am available to them if they choose to open a dialogue with maturity, but when they call at what they feel are the appropriate birthday and holiday times to make small talk and invite me to this or that with one hours notice, I politely thank them and decline. It makes them feel better to have offered than it would if I actually accepted.  I have stopped seeking approval from my fathers through the relationships I have with other men and now give myself the approval and praise I deserve.  I will never get what I needed from a father, so I accept that and I get that from myself.  Incredibly, this fierce independence has served me so well in my life and I'm very proud of that personality trait.  


I'm not proud of the weak and needy person I was always trying to please men so that "daddy would love me".  I am still angry at times that they broke my heart instead of fortifying it against all the evils of the world.  My fathers didn't understand that love doesn't cost money.  It costs time.  The time you take to sit down and help with homework, to go to a volleyball game, to drive your kids to school or the doctor, or just to take a weekend off and go camping.  Time to get to know your children's friends, listen to their music, watch a movie and talk about what they think is interesting and what you think is interesting about them.  I know what not to do as a parent because of how badly they hurt me as a child.  I used this hurt and anger as an excuse for so long prohibiting myself from a real and honest relationship!  Blaming them or any man for hurting me just seems silly at this point, because I am a big girl and I allowed it.  It's pretty easy to date someone and tell if they are selfish or immature.  I love that book, "He's just not that in to you."  What the author doesn't say is you weren't important enough to those men for them to be honest with you.  They aren't mature enough to accept that you might listen to what they are really saying and accept that there isn't chemistry or whatever and just say, okay thanks for the drinks.  They only selfishly wanted your attention, but did not want to give you anything you wanted in return or an opportunity to hurt them.  I, like that author, believe all women have wonderful things about them and all women need to value those things before anyone else will.  We all self-preserve.  That is where my fathers failed miserably!  The best thing a dad can do for his child is to recognize his/her individual talents and to dote on him/her.  Is she an artist, good at sports, debate?  Is she a great communicator, social, have lots of friends?  I wish either of my fathers had taken the time to notice that I was always writing or asked to read something I had written.  I mailed a copy of that paper I wrote about my high school coach to him and he had it published in the local paper.  It still make me cry, for lots of reasons.  


I know the damage both parents can do to their children and I know first hand that adults can over come that damage with time.  I joke with my mother that parenting is only working out your childhood issues with live models.  The good thing about my dads are they were good guys trying the best they could.  The bad thing about my dads is they weren't very good a being mature, responsible people.  The ugly thing about my dads is that even with all the help available for them to change, they still chose to remain selfish, immature, addicted and alone instead of getting help and making changes that would open their hearts just a little more to having a relationship with the adult I've become.  Every child needs their father their whole life every bit as much as they need a mother.  Luckily, as you become an adult you need parents for different things.  I only need them to just be happy in their own lives at this point, and that is something I have no control over or responsibility for.  I wish them the best of luck with that.  I choose to look at the good and forget the bad and the ugly and ride off into the sunset a winner.