Marriage Material

The age of 41 one has been filled with wonderful moments and some hard struggles.  I'm enjoying fixing up my little house and making memories with my children in our home.  I love gardening again and getting my hands dirty making my little yard bloom.  My kids are growing up too fast and the awareness of this has been a blessing.  I can really tune into them and not miss some great conversations.  I plan my life around the time I'm going to spend with them and it brings me such joy that I have such a wonderful mother-son relationship with them.  

The love relationship I'm in has been frustrating and difficult.  One of the most difficult things about it is that when it is great, it is really great but when it isn't it sucks like a Dyson on steroids.  Step-parenting is not something I am ready for and increasingly neither is sharing my house.  I have also come to the heart-breaking conclusion that I do not want to get married again ever.  I don't want to be responsible for the care, commitment or sharing of another person's financial, emotional, health and well being for the rest of my life.  Selfish?  Damn right!  I can barely figure out what I want to eat for dinner let alone commit to spending the rest of my life with someone.  I want to be happy, but most of all I want to be free to figure that out and it seems like when I'm in a relationship it's mostly either one person is happy and the other one is just saying they are happy even though they would rather just punch you in the throat, or you are both fighting.  I'm tired of fighting period.  I'm tired of trying to negotiate.  I'm pretty much just tired, but especially of trying to please anybody else.

I often wonder why it is that I have such a hard time having a good relationship.  I know I didn't have the best role models and that I'm moody, stubborn, mouthy, over-protective, and mean at times, but I'm also a good mother, caring, devoted, loving, strong, independent, smart and creative.  I never have trouble finding people to hang out with.  I have many wonderful friends of both sexes.  I'm social, but I honestly struggle with intimacy.  I don't trust easily, especially if the people have burnt me in the past.  I feel as though I state my needs clearly, but I know that sometimes I have let people take advantage of me and then resented them.  I learned a lot about myself through the process of my divorce and I feel like I'm more open and honest in this relationship, but it only makes things harder.  Standing your ground and demanding a partnership is impossible unless both parties agree to the constraints of being a partner.  I am finding that most people really want to be taken care of, not take responsibility for their own happiness.  

My expectations are these:

1.  Shared financial responsibility

2.  Shared daily maintenance of the property.

3.  Be kind or if that isn't possible apologize.

4. Think of the other person's needs.

5. Communicate.

It is that simple.  If you don't pay half the utilities then you are taking advantage of your partner.  If you leave toothpaste and hair in the sink and piss on the toilet for more than a week, you are taking advantage of your partner.  If you then complain about your partner not making dinner one evening after they bought said food in the fridge, you are being mean and you should apologize.  If you don't apologize then you are not communicating or thinking of your partner's needs.  You are being a selfish jerk and you should do the world a favor and live alone.  If this happens on a regular basis and the same things keep coming up over and over you should get therapy, because you are a pathologically selfish person and are not mature enough for a relationship.  Constantly taking advantage of the people you are supposed love is wrong even if those people love you so much they let you.  Sometimes sorry won't fix things and I am so tired of walking around broken.

I see some couples that have a great relationship and a genuine friendship.  I see young lovers getting engaged and they seem so happy and I have to admit I 'm so damn jealous.  I'm bitter and jaded and I'm very sure this will never happen to me again.  I know all these things are a choice I have made and trust is something I'm working on, but I honestly have lost all faith in marriage.  I see my parents' divorce after 32 years, their friends dealing with diseases like Alzheimer's, cancer and stroke spending their retirement caring for a person they don't even know anymore and it scares the life out of me.  I see my Grandmother crying and alone on this tiny fixed income.  I have no idea what the future brings, but I would rather just worry about myself.  I don't think I have enough time to build the love and lasting memories that would carry me through changing a feeding tube or a bed pan.  And if my partner can't take out the damn trash or do his own laundry now, how could I trust him to care for me if I suddenly had a stroke?  I miss that carefree attitude that allowed me to think marriage was forever.  I despise people that can face that kind of commitment with joy.  I get emotional looking at wedding dresses or bridal suites knowing there is no happiness for me there.  Jealousy doesn't even begin to describe the feeling I feel watching a happy couple while I pick apart every movement they make looking for some indication of future doom.  Am I ruined?  Do I hate marriage?

I did love a quote I heard, not sure exactly where, but it said if you want to get married be marriage material.  I honestly don't think I'm there yet.  I know to commit your life to someone you have to be able to trust them.  The only one I trust at this point is myself and some days that is even pushing it.  Without those five things there is no way I can trust a person.  Those requirements are fluid and I learned enough to know that nobody is perfect, but I seem to be able to hold up my end of the partnership. Do I have unreasonable expectations?  I also felt like wiping the piss off the toilet seat was a reasonable expectation, but much to my disappointment it seems this IS unrealistic according to 7 out of 10 men that I poled.  I am working on not sweating some of the small stuff and apologizing more.  It turns out most people are not marriage material which would support the current divorce statistics.

At 41 I think I am just going to focus on the most important things in my life which are my children.  Being a good mom makes me happier than any red rose.  I take more time for myself now they are older and it feels good.  A few moments of loneliness seems a small price to pay for peace.  Maybe someday I will be "marriage material", but for now I am a huge quilt that seems strange and interesting to the people who haven't seen it and comforting to the ones who have grown up covered by it's love.

Junior High

Well another year of school is in full swing now.  For the first time in my children's lives I did not take them to school on the first day.  It pissed me off.  The first day of school is like decorating the Christmas tree.  It's mine.  It seems like the older the kids get the more excluded either I or my ex-husband is from these events.  I try to be nice and take the high road, but I'll have to admit sometimes the high road is paved with shit bricks and I hate it.  I know I will have to find a way to get over missing some of these events or it will drive me insane.  This year I have no picture for their first day.  I took pictures on the third day, but admittedly, it wasn't the same.  Do I blame my ex-husband for taking that moment away from me?  Yes and no.  I don't blame him a bit for regretting that he has never taken time off from work and wanted to experience that thrill of watching them go off all excited on a new adventure.  I do blame him for not thinking about my feelings or helping to prepare them for that first day.  I purchased the supplies, the backpacks, the shoes and clothes and then he swoops in and takes a few days off so he can steal my time??  Right, I'm not past it yet.

I know it my heart of hearts he was only wanting time with his kids.  I can never blame him for that.  In fact, I am truly glad he sees this as a significant time for them.  I'm glad it all worked out well and they had a great first day of school.  I missed them horribly and stressed so badly about the entire thing, but that was my fault.  I put myself through that hell.  It is really just one more reminder that I am going to have to let go a little more every year.  I have to let go of my expectations and just celebrate that they are happy and thriving little people.  I have to let go of what I see as "my time".  It is their time, the kids' time.  It isn't about who they choose or who they love the most, because I know they love me and their Dad and there is enough love to go around even if I can't physically see it at the time.  I have to trust in my kids that they can handle what ever might come up while they are away from me.  That is what Junior High is, a transition.

I see my family in this transition.  It's awkward and difficult with really ugly and unexpected things going on.  They are requiring more privacy, but also more intimacy.  They want to know what I'm thinking and I have to really think about what I'm saying.  My kids have more complex worries and I'm so happy they feel comfortable talking to me, especially since they are boys.  I have to find ways to relate to them on a semi-adult level but also remember to have fun.  We have decided to coach my youngest's soccer team to spend some extra time together.  I find myself talking to them about consequences and how to make good choices, but admitting that it is hard to know what is right all the time.  Some times I don't think there even is a right or a wrong, and how do you explain that to children?  Life is not fair?  I hated that when I was younger!  Nothing gets a teenager madder than, "I'm sorry the answer is no, because I said so."  I hate to say no, but I do like to negotiate.  I like finding a common ground with the boys and letting them make choices.  Now if I can only make myself stop worrying long enough to let them endure the consequences.  I am grateful for this transition period between now and 18.  I am fully aware that I need some practice at letting go.  Deep down I don't want to let them go, but I know they will be back.  Teenagers always run out of money, thank goodness.

Border Patrol

I have a very hard time with personal boundaries.  As I increase in age, it becomes easier to identify that uneasy feeling that comes when my ex-husband, his new wife, or friends are dancing along a boundary line, but it is very difficult to maintain an atmosphere of peace when standing guard over what you feel is acceptable.  I have certain boundaries and rules that I understand not everyone has, but I know I deserve enough respect as a parent, friend or partner that even though people don't share my particular view, they can communicate their feelings and we can work out a compromise.  Communication seems to be the central most element in maintaining and establishing boundaries.  Fear is the absolute destruction of communication.  If you are afraid to communicate what your feelings, boundaries, rules, expectations are then you are also afraid to solve any issues that might arise during the process of communicating.  Although anger or apathy is usually what I seem to deal with, behind the anger and the apathy is fear. Anger is just and expression of the fear that your needs are not going to be met.  Apathy is giving up caring about yourself or others. People in my life that don't respect my boundaries are often afraid that I am rejecting them in some way.  They argue, they refuse to communicate, they threaten and they are all trying to win.  What they don't understand is that my boundaries are not a game.  There are no winners or losers.  Those boundaries are for my emotional health and my preservation.  I am only trying to communicate my needs.  Setting boundaries allow my children and I to maintain peace and order in our lives.  They allow us to understand each other and how we are connected.  Boundaries and rules teach my children trust in me.  They teach other people how to treat me and what I expect from their behavior.

One huge example of this is scheduling.  My ex-husband and I fought our entire relationship with scheduling. His life was devoid of a schedule outside of him getting to work at a certain time.  I was never guaranteed he would be home at a certain time, nor that he would communicate with me regarding his schedule.  In the beginning of our marriage this wasn't a huge deal.  It allowed me unlimited freedom on the upside, because he never expected me to communicate where or when I would be home.  However, as time went on and kids came along it became a huge issue.  Baby's are on feeding schedules and toddlers need routine to help them sleep through the night.  I needed to know if he was going to be available to co-parent.  When I returned to the work force I was juggling four schedules with no communication and it fostered a huge resentment on both our parts when I would "dump" the kids on him as soon as he returned.  My ex-husband used to say things like, "You didn't tell me you needed me to watch the kids."  I highly resented that he viewed "watching" the kids as optional.  Fathers don't watch their own kids, they parent them 24/7 even if they are working.  This is something my ex-husband has never understood.  Still now divorced almost 4 years later he is a babysitter.  He has difficulty returning the children on time and has difficulty communicating his reasons other than he just forgot or he didn't think it was THAT important.  Well that is why we are divorced and I try to remain a little more flexible when he is involved.  I realize that he is re-married and this new family doesn't have the same schedule or expectations, but I still struggle with his lack of respect of my family's.  It has destroyed a great deal of trust in our relationship.  It has also destroyed his children's trust in him.  Broken promises, missed pick up times, and unanswered questions do not make a person trust you.

I once told my friend, "It isn't your responsibility to make your family happy, but it is your responsibility to communicate your feelings and try to understand theirs."  I personally can't dole out a happy pill and make everyone's problems disappear.  I can try to communicate without fear of rejection what my rules, boundaries, and expectations are.  What good does it do to have a bunch of happy people in your life when you are miserable?  Do those people really care about you if they refuse to communicate?  I didn't get married to become a martyr and sacrifice my happiness for the happiness of all others.  I wanted to share my happiness with other people that were similarly inclined to share theirs.  I mistakenly married someone who had different expectations and views on what being happy was.  My ex-husband tells me he is happier than he has been in a long time.  I hope this is truly how he feels.  I always wanted him to be happy.  I look at his chaotic life with five step-kids and his two children and know that I would never be happy with that situation, but I'm truly wishing him the very best.  I realize his views are always going to be very different from mine, but I can't help being irritated when he fails to recognize it.  If we both understand we have different lifestyles (which we have discussed at length and I believe we do have an understanding) then why is it so difficult for he him to communicate?  Very simply, he has no respect for or trust in me.

It is rather a catch 22.  I let him down.  By allowing him to cross those boundaries in our marriage and ultimately destroying the trust and respect we had for each other, I set this ball in motion.  I tried the entire marital relationship to compromise, to give, to change for him and ended up exhausted, tired and didn't even recognize the person I became.  He said many times he wished I was just like I had been when we were first married.  I don't have a clue what he is asking.  I have come a long way and I am a better mother, friend and ex-wife than I ever was when I was his wife.  We don't argue a lot, but we aren't hateful about it anymore.  I have established a very definite boundary that I refuse to fight with him.  If we can't communicate then we stop talking until we can.  Both of us know we have two wonderful boys that deserve two parents that can work together period.  I regret that he feels like he can't trust me, but I can only change my actions, not his mind.  I can't respect someone that is not honest and I don't expect him to and that is why I deal with him honestly even if I know it will start and argument.  Relationships can survive arguments if there is a solution.  Relationships will never survive lies and apologies go a long way to repairing mis-communication.

Rules, schedules, boundaries are all no fun.  They are responsible, adult things.  They are control and cold feeling sometimes like rigid uncompromising bandits that steal all your time.  There are times when you just need to throw them out the window and do what feels right.  I've tried to explain rules to my children as guidelines.  I realize that I can get caught up in the schedule and forget to just let life happen sometimes.  It is a fact of life that we all have limits.  I'm trying to balance and communicate my needs and the needs of all those I love.  That is respect.  Communication is trusting that we can all come to a solution eventually.  Love, trust, respect, communication, balance are what make me happy.  They don't happen overnight, but fear isn't going to keep me from being truly happy or proud of the honest, respectful, loving person I am.

Are You My Mother?

I loved reading my children the story by Dr. Seuss, "Are You My Mother?".  They would read the question part.  They would also ask me in their little bird voices and I would say, "You know I'm your Momma!".  Apparently, so does everyone else.

What is a good mother?  The ability to love unconditionally and to nurture?  What makes a person a good mother?  This question has really been on my mind lately as I seem to always end up being a "mother" to everyone, including sometimes my own Mom.  I have this mode, the fix it, take care of you, make you feel better, take all your cares, clean up your messes, gloss over your faults, mode. People I deal with at work instantly connect to me and tell me about their history.  Clients tell me all about their son's crazy wife or the trouble they have with their spouse.  Grocery clerks, people waiting in line at the tag office, everyone everywhere seems to just know that I will care.  I will listen to them and if I can, try to help. I get a good feeling from this mode or I wouldn't do it, but sometimes I can't fix it.  Sometimes I can't take care of anybody, including myself, because I'm utterly exhausted and depressed.  Sometimes I just want to run away and never be anybody's Mom again.  Sometimes I go to far and take care of things that were never my responsibility to fix.  Sometimes I resent the hell out of people I love for abusing my kindness.  It is difficult to have personal boundaries when you are a Mom.  I want everyone to be happy.  I don't want to see my children unhappy, but there is the crux.  All children are unhappy sometimes.  We all are.  That is life.  Life is happy, sad, messed up, perfect, confusing, boring, exciting and always changing!  What I really want is to control my life, but I can't and it doesn't make me a good Mother by trying.  I can't control anyone's life, only my behavior.  Wanting to control everything makes me a fearful Mother, a doubting in my child's ability to handle their life kind of Mother.  It makes me my Mother about 40 years ago.  I want to be good Mother, not a control freak.  So I step back, regroup, look at what is really bothering me, listen to what my children are telling me is bothering them, and then if action is required I take it.  If it is something they just needed me to listen to, then mission accomplished.  If my friends seek me out to tell me their issues and commiserate on their latest attempts to get a life, I really don't even have to listen.  I will, because I have a tough time being rude, but I don't HAVE to.  I have been doing this a bunch lately with all my relationships.  I don't think as Mom's we understand the emotional toll it takes on us when we don't be ourselves and get trapped in Mommy Mode.  A good mother knows when to separate her responsibility from her child's.  A good mother knows how to let go and make you feel good.

What is it that makes people see you as a good Mom?  Is it my ability to listen?  Is it my ability to empathize?  Do we all just really want someone to try and fix it?  I think so.  I think we all want that cup of soup, hand on our back while we puke, soft voice as we fall asleep, hug so tight we feel like we are gonna pop feeling.  You never love or hate anybody quite like your own Mother, except maybe your Step-Mother.  I have had a couple Step-Mothers in my childhood and they were the most loving, caring and patient people.  I was very lucky.  I think they had to be to want to marry the train wreck of a biological father I had, but they had something in common with me.  They were fixers.  They were optimistic about their ability to love.  They were most likely co-dependents.  In the end they were sad, depressed, used up and alone.  I never saw them again.  I was extremely angry at my Father for that.  Later my Mother told me that she talked to both my Father's ex-wives and that they were extremely emotionally connected with me and felt horrible loss and pain at the prospect of leaving him and what it would do to me.  My Mother assured them I would be fine and I was, but it hurt.  I hope my own children don't see the men in their lives as disposable.  Even at age ten I knew anybody in my Father's life was going to be temporary.  He was a temporary kind of guy, but it is hard to spend a year with a Step-Mother type person in your life and not become attached.  It is also hard to grow up in a temporary environment, a scary environment with a scared Mother and not long to get some control over your little life.

I have also been reading a great deal about Spoused Children.  From what I can tell, this happens when a parent gets divorced and makes their child into their spouse, confidant, friend, buddy, etc.  The parent leans on the child for emotional support like they would a spouse.They foster a "we're partners" kind of attitude.  While reading several parenting books,  I travel back and remember all the loving stories that my Mother tells about how it was just her and I living in this duplex or that apartment.  I don't actually recall most of that time in my life as I was only three, possibly four years old, but she does and paints a picture of the strongest bond between us.  To this day, she has described it as, "You and me against the world."  I am 41 and she is 58 and I still know her better than my now Ex-Step Father.  Half the time I think I know her better than she does.   I love sometimes that we are close, but other times it feels like the tie that binds is wrapped around my neck!  I do recall as a child feeling extreme resentment at her for pushing me over for my new Step-Father, but the same time it was nice not having to worry about money and moving to a new house with my own room.  The parenting books say that often a child can be un-spoused if a parent is aware they have fallen into this pit.  Let me just say that my Mother and I fell in the pit, she threw me a raft and then periodically swam out to wallow in the pit our disfuction.  My Mother and I have always been extremely close and skated in and out of the Mother/Daughter/Friend dynamic.  I knew most of what was going on in my Mom's life at all times and I certainly knew more than what was healthy for me.  Having boys it is still a huge task for me to keep a close mother/son relationship, and not spouse them.  I like to think that because I never lean on people in general, it has been easier for me to avoid spousing my children.  I guess there is one up side to not trusting anybody.  Now they are older and ask a lot of personal questions, it is more difficult.  The boys want to know how I handle my relationships, especially with the adults in their lives.   I find if I question more than talk and really listen, usually they are just searching for better ways to handle their relationships and truly don't need personal details about me.  I have always told them I can't be everywhere and everything, I'm just your Mom.  I make mistakes just like everybody else and they are perfectly capable of screwing up their own lives.   They don't need me to do it for them   I do believe that it is impossible to respect your parents if they are constantly looking to you (a child) for comfort, advise and acceptance.  Those things all come from within.  The only thing a child wants is love, not the weight of the world an adult carries around.  Our children don't want to be our friends, they want us to be Moms and Dads and model confidence that comes with working out our problems for ourselves.  Our children want to be themselves and feel safe to do so.

In reverse, I want to feel like my spouse, my friends, my co-workers, etc. don't need me to be their mother.  I expect people to be adults.  Possibly this expectation is my biggest mistake of all, but I also see my behavior allowing them to "Motherize" me.  We all have those people we run to when snot is running down our face and we just need to wipe it on them with no fear of being pushed back.  I let people wipe snot on me when I can see they are in pain.  I honestly don't have it in me sometimes to tell the clerk at the store, "You know what, maybe if you didn't look like a crack whore and work at a huge chain store and have five kids from different dads your life wouldn't suck ass."  I can say it to myself and be thankful that I have more sense and have made better choices, but I also get that this is a human being and she is hurting right in front of me and I have to care.  I have to.  I might even have to hug her, but at the very least I have to wish her a better day and an easier shift.  What I don't have to do is take responsibility for her.  I don't have to clean up after adults, or keep cleaning up my teenager's room, or keep giving my fiance a free pass on his share of the chores.  If I do choose to then I know it is more about control and fear than love.  A good mother doesn't take your responsibility away from you, she loves you in spite of your failure to see the consequences and respects herself enough to let you face them.  She trusts you to fix it, to look for answers, to grow and change.  She knows that no matter what there will always be love.

I guess what makes a good Mother, Father, or parent is providing a safe place for a child to develop, modeling good adult behaviors, accepting everyone makes mistakes, things change, and whether times are good or bad you will always be loved.  I always thought that it was so cruel that mother birds sometimes pushed their babies out of a nest, but if they never leave the nest they will never know what it's like to really fly.  Looking back I know my parents made their share of mistakes and I have made some along my journey, but my son put it best when he said, "My Mom is closest to my heart."  As long as I'm there, I'm good.  You know I'm your Momma!

Don't Take My Dreams

My son is working on a project at school about his life so far and it had a section in it that really made me think long and hard about how I encourage him to accomplish his goals.  I have tried very hard not to influence what his dreams are, but to make him realize they are his dreams and making them come true is HIS responsibility alone.  I think too many of us parents are so busy dealing with our own lives to even hear what are kids are dreaming about, but I love to listen to the minds of my children wander through their thought processes about life and what they want to do when they grow older.  I have always felt my job as a parent is to give my children the tools they need to accomplish those dreams, whatever they might dream.  I don't want to steal my children's dreams with negativity or fear.

One of the hardest tools to teach your child is confidence.  The best way is by having some in the first place. Encourage them to try!  Don't be afraid to try things and let your children see you fail.  From their perspective, even if you fail like a boss, you're still the most awesome person ever and you are teaching them that it is perfectly okay to try even if you make mistakes.  My son once asked me why I wanted to go to school and become a nail technician when I already had a college degree.  I told him it was a dream of mine. It may not have worked out like I had planned, but that is alright and I am all the better for it.  My marriage may not have turned out like I had planned, but it was a dream of mine to get married and have children.  I think back on all the crazy dreams I've had like being a marine biologist, being a solid gold dancer, being a mom, being a lawyer, running my own business, being a computer programmer, running the family business, creating BiteSize, and being a famous writer and even though most of them didn't pan out, I tried.  I tried and I'm better for it.  I'm still trying and as long as I keep dreaming, they are possible.

One of the greatest obstacles to accomplishing your dreams are letting other's make you think their dreams are your dreams.  Judgement, fear, criticism, financing, and stress of getting through the day can put the spark of a dream out like a January wind.  I find myself asking my children, "What do you think being a sniper is like?"  Becoming a sniper in the US Marines is one of the current front runners in my son's dream basket.  Although I can think of nothing worse from a mother's standpoint, I want to be supportive of his dreams.  I make an extreme effort to separate my dreams of him becoming and famous plastic surgeon or a car designer and let him have his own dream.  I do try to inject some reality into it by asking him if he even realizes that snipers shoot real bullets and have to live with the consequences of shooting those bullets at people.  I also tell him if he wants to join the military, he won't be able to decide what he is going to do with most of his time.  I would however be honored and proud no matter what he chooses and would support him in every way possible.

It's scary how quickly some dreams can become forever out of reach.  One of the things I constantly try to instill in my children is to simply be open to a possibility.  If you can dream it you can be it, but the opposite is also true.  If you can't imagine it, then there is no way you are ever going to accomplish it.  Some things are an impossibility, right now.  Unless I win the lottery, there is no way I'm going on a vacation this summer, but when you start saying things like, "I'm never going on a vacation."  The dream is gone.  The possibility is gone.  Sometimes you don't even know something was dream until the possibility has been trampled.  I had a procedure done to make sure I didn't have any more children in my first marriage.  I was sure I didn't want and couldn't handle any more children in that relationship.  After that marriage ended and I began to open myself up to the possibility of other relationships, I suddenly realized I was furious at myself for making such a huge decision that affected the rest of my life.  I thought I was making a good decision at the time, but in the back of my mind there was a regret.  I still wish I had a girl.  That will always be a small regret, but there are no guarantees I would have had a girl if I had tried again.  I would have loved another child regardless, but I really really wish I would have left that possibility open.

Another thing I love to encourage in my boys is to create new dreams.  Sometimes when we are out playing they will get very excited about a different game or product we are using,  I ask them how could we make this better?  I also love to ask them what would be the funnest game ever, the best book, the best tasting dessert?  I always want them to realize that you can take the things you love and make them even better for you or make a career out of that!  You like legos?  How much more fun would legos be if you built special furniture to hold them and make building with them easier?  What if you built special cases to hold all of your creations and with built in lights and a webcam.  Exactly!!  My son is working on this next year in his woodworking class.  I want them to realize that dreams are sometimes small things.  This is how they can build confidence to go for the bigger dreams.

Dreams are so completely unique and personal to every person.  Sometimes they are mountains we have to climb and sometimes they are just a surprising turn of events creating a tiny wish.  Dreams are places where possibility rules the day and there are no boundaries.  Dreams can be frightful, intoxicating, warnings, pure fantasy, signs, or absolute silliness.  Dreams can teach us what we really need versus what we think we want.  How far you are willing to go to accomplish a dream is a pretty good indicator of whether that dream is truly yours.  Next time you hear a person dreaming, hold their hand.  Ride on that magical thought wave.  Look at their world with possible glasses!  Would it be so bad to pretend?    If we aren't free to dream, then we just aren't free to be the person we could become.  Dreams change as we change, but if we choose to be happy and then dream of making it better, there is nothing we can't overcome.

Friendships After Divorce

It has become very interesting to me to see the evolution of my friends before, during and after my divorce as compared to me being a friend to someone who is getting a divorce.  Friendships with adults is not tricky unless only one of you is actually an adult.  It amazes me that the filing of a divorce can send a friendship right back to high school in the blink of an eye; sides get chosen and hearts get broken.  I have tried very hard to be cordial to the ex husbands and ex wives of my friends, especially when there is children involved, because I am an adult and I know that there are always two sides to every coin.  I have tried extremely hard to be cordial to my ex-husband's friends.  I also know how much blaming and accusing helps a relationship which is about as much as taking a knife to a tank fight.  I also felt like their divorce was none of my business and if they chose to ask for my opinions or my help, I was there to be a friend and help not tell them how to live their lives.  As far as my ex husband's friends, well they were never really great friends of mine anyways so nothing really had changed.

During my divorce, I had several good friends that tried to distract me from everything I was going through.  I was an angry, crazy mess sometimes and looking back now I know they did the best they could dealing with that.  My friends loved me and there wasn't a real loyalty issue, because frankly none of them were really friends with my ex husband.  They were cordial with him and even waved when he had the boys.  They did really exactly what I expected, but there were times when I really needed to just be sad or angry and I noticed my friends really didn't want to deal with that.  They didn't want to dig deep with me and find out exactly what the issues were surrounding WHY I got a divorce and maybe they couldn't because they had some of the same issue going on in their own marriages that they were not dealing with either.  My friends kind of fell into a few groups.  The one's that wanted me to go out and party, forgetting my responsibilities for a little while and just let loose were my Friday-Saturday friends.  My work friends that knew I was going through a divorce and helped me by letting me take extra breaks just in case my ex called and told me to hang in there helping me through the days.  Lastly, my really close friends that knew there was nothing they could do or say to make things better, but they would just cry with me sometimes and hug me.  I can honestly say I really only had one friend that did that.  She has been my friend for all of my life practically and we truly have an amazing connection that will never ever go away.  I also had my family that I leaned on a great deal, but considering my parents were also going through a divorce at the same time, it was often difficult for them to be supportive.  Even with all my support from my friends and family, I felt incredibly alone, sad and tired.  I had regret and confusion and host of emotions that nobody really understood.  Looking back I think it was difficult for my friends to see me undone.  I was someone they looked at as stable, in a good relationship, a good mom, and happy.  Looking back, I realize my friends really didn't know me at all.  My really close friend, my mother, and a few work friends had know I was having problems with depression and financial issues, but honestly I think they were all pretty shocked when I filed for divorce.  After filing, as I began to tell people the hell I had been going through for the last several years, people were shocked.  I decided then I wasn't going to lie to myself or my friends about my life anymore.  I think, surprisingly, that has shown me who these people I had called friends really were.

I recently had a discussion with some of my friends about divorce.  One of my closer friends has filed and I was her maid of honor at her wedding.  A situation happened and it was within my definition of physical abuse.  To me, this changes the entire divorce.  I would have a protective order in place and either end visitation until my spouse undergoes so psychological evaluations, or just end visitation.  My friend has decided that because she had an affair the abuse was provoked and therefore excusable.  Some of my other friends feel since they had a prior relationship with the abuser that they have a certain amount of loyalty toward him.  One thing all of my friends know about me is I have ZERO tolerance for physical abuse in a relationship.  I felt they had all gone to great lengths to conceal some of these facts from me and it is difficult for me to be any kind of friend to any of them if they are going to allow this behavior and then lie about it to me.  I can't make excuses for abuse.  It is what it is.  I love my friends, but abuse is not acceptable behavior and allowing it to continue in front of a child is something I can't watch.  Looking back, I realize they couldn't watch my divorce because they did not want to deal with any of the issues I was bringing up, but also because they didn't want to deal with anything.  They don't want to deal with why they are unhappy which was the root of why I wanted a divorce.  I wasn't happy and there was no way within the confines of that marriage I was ever going to be allowed to be myself.  I had explored the reasons for my unhappiness and most of them had little to nothing to do with my ex husband.  I was unhappy because of me.  My friends don't even seem to be unhappy.  They can't even acknowledge that it is unacceptable to be hit, pushed or locked in a bedroom and threatened with bodily harm by the people they living with.  How do you be a friend to someone who can't even be themselves?  Maybe I really don't know my friends either?

I consider myself a good friend.  I listen. I don't judge people because I believe everyone can learn to do better, I try to see the good in them and go with that.  I know I don't want to live someone else's life and I don't even want to begin to tell them how to live theirs.  I offer help when I see a need and I empathize.  Even though I can't support some of my friend's decisions, I always let them know I will be there to help them in any way.  I hope my friends can see that, but I also know that friendship is a two way street.  I learned that if I didn't reach out for help, sometimes people don't realize you need it.  Most of all, I am honest and I'm real.  I am the kind of friend I would want.  It is difficult when you see people you love in difficult situations and they don't want your help, don't want to deal with life, and don't want to stay safe.  I guess sometimes you have to look at who your friends really are and decide if they are the kind of friends you need or want.  Most of all you have to be your own best friend.

The Great Divide

Often I have thought about what exactly led to my divorce, circumstances, factors and what was the real cause.  In every article, book, and therapy session I discovered some part of why I chose to end my marriage.  I have asked myself a million times if I could have salvaged my marriage.  The answer is always no.  I couldn't have done anything, but WE could have.  My ex-husband could have done quite a few things, but he didn't and nobody can make him.  Love wasn't enough, our children weren't enough, and I wasn't enough of a reason for him to accept his mistakes and make changes.  No therapist, or book, or pill can make a person really look at themselves and make them want to be a better person.  You have to want that for yourself.  The simple answer to why our marriage ended was that I wanted to be a better person and I knew I deserved better.

The problem was I learned that at the end of the marriage and not the beginning.  If I had thought I was this wonderful person that deserved a loving, equal relationship with a partner that valued me as much as I valued myself, I would have had a successful marriage.  I started my marriage as an empty, sad, broken, needy person that would be happy to give anything just to have someone want to marry me.  I gave and I gave and I gave myself body and soul to a mirror image in an attempt to fill up his needs and we were happy at times.  As long as I was giving him what he needed and expected, I was fulfilled.  I was happy, he was happy, and he loved THAT me.  He loved that perfect housewife that listened to all his stories like the first time I heard them, cooked like his Mom, entertained his family while ignoring my own.  He loved that I loved him.  Then we had children.  They had needs, a lot of them.  I read books again, searching for all the ways I could be the perfect parent.  I exhausted myself mentally and physically to maintain that perfect wife he expected and a perfect mom.  I lost weight, potty trained, and mastered the art of distraction.  I did pretty good and I took pride in myself.  In fact I got rather confident in who I was and didn't look into the mirror anymore.  I didn't need as much approval from others and frankly, didn't care what anybody thought.  I knew myself better, I was stronger, and I made things happen.  I had two little lives that I was responsible for and I started resenting him for making me his mother.  I didn't love him anymore.  He resented me for changing into this whole other person.  He didn't want me to be strong.  He didn't want the best for me, because that meant he would actually have to do more to earn my respect.  We blamed each other for everything and made a mess of our lives, but eventually I stopped blaming him and just accepted him.  I didn't want to be married to him and he desperately still wanted to be married, just not to who I had become.  I still loved him.  I had become confident.  I didn't need a mirror to see how wonderful I was anymore.  I loved myself more.

Sometimes it is very difficult for me to deal with my ex-husband, because I am dealing with my old self.  I am dealing with his expectation of who I was, who I became and all of the mistrust he has of me.  I also see all my old insecurities right in the eyes, looking and searching for something to reflect back the feelings.  It's hard to remain calm, focused and move forward with someone still holding on to the past.  It's hard to respect someone who has so little themselves.  It's hard to love someone you have no respect for.  I can only change my behavior.  I can only be a compass now, not a mirror.  A compass will only tell you which direction your are heading, not show you where you need to go.  Only he can decide which path to take, because only he knows what he wants.  I have my own path to tread.

At times there is an immense divide before me.  I can't see the bottom and there are many obstacles in my way.  Razor sharp rocks jut out waiting to rip my clothes.  The wind howls trying to push me over the edge.   I know I can't reach my destination alone.  I call for help and only hear the echo's of my own cries.  I doubt my ability to make it to the other side.  That is my delusion.  My truth is I am the divide.  I am the other side.  I am all my paths, all my obstacles, and all my needs.  I only hear my own voice and that is enough.  My voice says, "look again."  I look inside.. There is no cavern, no obstacles, nothing I can't do.  Sometimes it's as simple as looking in a different direction, but you have to look.  You have to look inside to truly know yourself, trust yourself, love yourself before you can learn about someone else, trust someone else, or love someone else.  Until you look inside you will keep searching for yourself in everyone else and never find what you are looking for.  You will fall down on sharp rocks and feel the pain of rejection like a giant boulder crushing your soul.  No fire will warm your body and no food will satisfy your hunger.  Nothing you do will fill the loneliness in your heart.  Your soul will only be a mirror to reflect what other's see never letting anyone inside to the unique beauty unlike any other that never ages.  They will only see the qualities they want in themselves, but never appreciate who you really are.  When you don't know who you are, how can you show others?  Hiding behind a reflection your soul will die.  Stop trying to walk a path when you don't even know why you are walking in the first place.  Look again, and if you don't like what you see get some glasses.  Get some help.  Change what you are doing and then look again.  Accept what you see.  Love all of it.  Fix what you can, but love even the broken pieces.  Some paths leave more scars than others.  There is no divide between who you are and who you want to be, there is only you.

Magic Mirror

So for my 41st birthday my younger sister got me a lighted magnifying mirror, that I asked for by the way, and I have been using it daily.  It really is great, but three things have occurred to me.  One, I have more hair on my chin than a German wrestler.  Two, my face is dry and I have way more wrinkles than last year.  Three, my sister is very evil in a sneaky way.  Not that any of these things really bother me as much as the fact that I need the damn magnifying mirror because I'm getting progressively more blind, but it does remind me daily that youth is gone.  My youth, my kid's youth, everyone is getting older all around me.  Like a Dutch painting, all around me are signs of natural decay and reminders of mortality.  I realize in my mind that these ever present signals are not trying to create panic, even though they do, but that they are there even if I don't dwell in the valley of death.  I think it is so ironic that the most depressing thing is also the most encouraging.  My children are becoming little people.

My oldest son, Jack, is thirteen and nearing six feet tall.  It is truly amazing to me that he is evolving into a man right before my very eyes.  He was such a tiny beautiful baby boy.  He has so many interests and is becoming more and more independent all the time.  His hugs are like giant bear hugs now and he towers over his Mommy.  My youngest son, Elliott, is ten.  I noticed in his school pictures he is looking so much more like his father every day.  His face is changing from that little kid to that awkward teenager.  Both boys are so funny and full of life.  They are creative and sensitive.  They are totally different, yet go together like peanut butter and jelly.  I am so proud to leave this world a legacy like them.  I can't wait to see what they will accomplish and dream of when they are adults, but I am also so sad they aren't my babies anymore.  The other evening we were all exhausted and I popped in a movie.  The boys curled up on both sides of me and fell asleep.  Jack had his head in my lap and I stroked his massive curly head of hair and Elliott held my arm snuggled up beside me on the other side.  I kept thinking all night how wonderful this was to have both the boys snoring just like they did when they were little.  Sometimes I just want to go back and do things better, but that would change who they are now and they are great.  Every hug and every smile tells me that I have done pretty good.

Teenage years are difficult and I think many changes are in store for us.  Schedules become more challenging, dealing with friends and girls, and teaching them about making good choices that will affect the rest of our lives are duties that sometimes make me feel like I'm scaling Mt. Everest, especially when their father and I don't quite agree on our own life choices.  I read a quote yesterday that said, "Become who you want your kids to be."  Deep down all parents want is for their kids to be happy and healthy.  Simple, but yet so complicated.  Why is it so complicated?  I had a nail client yesterday that could not decide on a color for her polish.  I asked her about her weekend and if she had any big plans and she didn't.  She looked and looked at the colors and I asked her what her favorite color was.  Still, she couldn't decide.  Finally, she threw up her hands and just asked me to pick a color.  "There are just too many choices!"  My client had too many colors that she liked to make the best choice for her.  This is why life gets more complicated, too many choices.  This is why I could still be going to college, because I liked learning about everything and not necessarily doing anything.  This is why teen years are so difficult.  For the first time children are presented with more independence and more choices that actually make a difference and as a parent, I have to let them make the decisions and experience the consequences.  I have to let go, a little.  I also have to use my freedom to keep becoming who I want them to be.  I'm not just mom.  I'm a writer, an employee, a nail technician, a friend, and a person.  I'm old.  I'm a model.  I'm good.

I guess I don't have to wait to see how the years change them.  I can just look into my super magnifying lighted mirror and see how wonderful they will become.  My sister is one sneaky evil bitch.

The Test

In my thirteen years as a parent, I have learned some things.  I have learned I don't know everything.  I've learned there are many solutions to one problem.  I have learned you never give dairy to a kid with a sour stomach no matter how much they cry for it.  I have learned you never get white carpet.  Most of all I have learned what unconditional love really is and that children are little people not dolls you can control.  I have learned you must not only teach them with words, but with actions.  YOUR ACTIONS when you don't even think they are listening or looking.  I have learned that my thoughts, feelings, actions, decisions, etc are ultimately going to be mirrored at some point in their lives and I want them to think, feel, act, and make choices that lead them to a healthier and happier life.  I have also learned that everyone makes mistakes, but they are worthless unless you can accept them, learn from them, and move forward doing something differently in the future.  So, in that light I offer you a test.  This is a test to show you if you are ready to be a parent.  This is a test that should be completed before you even think about having sex by both partners.  This is a test I will someday soon be giving to my 13 year old son so he can hopefully understand that his decisions will not only affect him, his partner, any future offspring, me, our entire family and the world.  This is a test to show him we are all connected and we all need to be responsible for our choices.


Here is the test.


1) You are going to the bathroom and you finish the last of the toilet paper roll.  Do you replace it with a new roll of toilet paper and put it on the toilet paper roll holder every time?

2)  Have you ever not left a tip at a restaurant?

3)  Have you ever told another parent they need to do something differently with their child that was misbehaving or after the unruly child left complained about that behavior to the people you were with?

4)Have you ever read a book to a child or babysat children?

5)Does it bother you to have the same song repeated over and over or watch the same commercial five times during the show you are watching?

6)Do you vomit if you see another person vomit?

7)Has someone close to you died and how did you cope with that death?

8)Can you work 24 hours straight for little to no reward?

9)Would you give up everything you own to send another person to college?

10)What do you think being a parent means?


These seem like very trivial questions, but they are not.

Numbers 1 and 2 rate your level of selfishness.  If you have ever done these things it shows you are clearly not ready for parenting.  You know very well the next person that uses the toilet is going to be left with crap on their hands so to speak and I don't care how crappy a waitress/waiter was those people go home with a negative check after taxes.  Even if they got your order wrong, the food was crappy and the mood was generally poor that is one night you didn't have to cook or clean dishes.  I would pay ten dollars not to have to cook or clean dishes any night and if you are a parent you would too.

Number 3 rates you on your expectations of parenthood.  If you answered yes, you are no where near ready  to be a parent!  Nothing could be more personal or earth shattering as a parent to hear someone else tell them they are doing something wrong simply because their child has misbehaved in public where they know they can probably get away with it.  It also shows how incredibly unrealistic your expectations of your parenting skills will be and boy are you in for a horrible terrible two's.

Number 4.  It amazes me that the first time some parents realize they are actually going to be responsible for the daily care of a child is when the baby comes out.  Hello?  What are you thinking?  Take some parenting classes.  Even drivers have to take driver's ed to and a learning permit before they get behind the wheel of a car??  Babysit some friends' kids and see if this is really something you want to do.  If at the end of the few hours you are totally exhausted and running for the door, chances are you should re-think becoming a parent right now.

Number 5.  Infants, kids, teens need and want routine even though they will fight you endlessly not to have it.    They want to watch the same Dora the Explorer episode or Barney episode or any other show that makes your skin crawl a million times and they want you to watch it with them.  They want the same stuffed animal and if you can't find it good luck sleeping for the next year.  Also, unless you are blessed with the gift like selective OCD the routine of parenting can get very boring.  Infants, kids and teens need structure and consistency even if they fight you tooth and nail.  A small thing like Daylight Savings Time can mess your family up like using salt for sugar.  If you can't follow a routine or if you are so rigid you have to have the exact same routine all the time, you might want to skip on parenting.

Number 6.  Let's face it, babies puke, spit up, projectile vomit like the Exorcist and kids puke all the time too.  If you can't handle being puked on, peed on, shit on and by on I mean in your face, then you need to get a job as a daycare provider and work through your fear before you become a parent.  If you can hold a baby in one arm that has crap coming down his leg out of his diaper and watch your two year old puke on the clothes you just laid out on your bed to wear and still have a good day, congrats you are ready to be a parent.  For those of you that think I am insane and must have bought cheep diapers please re-read number 3.

Number 7.  It is a harsh reality, but even in this day and age children die every day.  Some of my best friends have lost their children tragically and it has broken their families into so many pieces.   If you have never experienced the death of a close loved one (not that it compares in any way to the loss of a child) you are not ready for parenthood.

Number 8.  Parenting is the most thankless tiring and rewarding job you will ever do, but IT IS A JOB!!  It is a 24/7 never ending job.  It will never end until you die period.  The rewards are elusive and if you think you are going to get a thank you for dragging your butt out of bed to get your teenager that has just been caught drinking at an underage party, you are sadly mistaken.  If you think infants thank you for anything you are wrong.  They eat, sleep, poop over and over and over.  They are blessedly cute, but they don't every say thank you.  If you think your job is hard and nobody appreciates you, try doing it for free and see how long your want that job.  That is parenthood.

Number 9.  The reality of this is we are a nation that is firmly in debt.  Most of that debt is student loans.  You need to think long and hard about how long you want your adult child living with you or long and hard about how you are going to help them afford to go to college, because it may mean a second mortgage on your house.

Number 10.  This is the most telling of all.  If the testee can write more than one sentence on something they know nothing about, they are not ready to be a parent.  You will never be ready for this responsibility no matter how much you think you know about parenting.  If they write anything all they fail and they need to really think long and hard about being a parent.

Of course nobody will do this, but I am going to give this test to my sons when they are appropriate.  I wish someone had done this for me.  I was not ready, but I have learned a lot.

Does The Line Start Here?

In the ever changing world of a divorced parent issues abound and crisis can erupt at any moment.  The stress is like perpetually waiting to go on the roller coaster when you don't really even want to ride, getting on and finding out it wasn't as bad as you expected or that it was worse, possibly puking and finally the ride is over and the inattentive park attendant directs you to the back of the line to wait until the next ride.  For a year now my children have both complained they did not want to go to their Dad's.  Several occasions they have refused or manipulated their way into staying home.  It affects their health, school work, our time together.  Over the past year my attitude regarding their father and the situation that has unfolded with his new partner and her five children, has steadily festered into what it is today.  As much as I try to explain to my children that their father loves his new family and he is trying, my words are just sounding flat.  The truth is I can't pretend it is okay any more than my children can accept they just have to go, because he is their Dad.  Why should they have to accept that his choices are making it impossible for them to spend any time with him?  When does he have to realize that what they want matters too?  How long do I have to listen to them cry, because they don't feel like they have a father anymore?  Where do I draw the line?  Do I allow them to draw it?

I have talked to my ex-husband on several occasions and listened to him give me a laundry list of the things he has chosen to take on with his new family.  I have expressed my concerns that his children do not feel like a priority to him, repeatedly.  After every conversation, I tell both boys to give their Dad a chance to make some changes.  The last time we spoke was about two weeks ago.  It seems to me the only change that the boys reported was they were now allowed to bring their electronic devices to his house.  After I pleaded with my ex-husband to spend more time with his two children, he allows them to play on their iPad and Kindle the whole weekend.  He sat on the sidelines and the boys had zero interaction with him alone the entire weekend.  While the boys liked finally having something to do, they both are tired of waiting for their Dad to wake up and listen to their requests for more time alone with him.  Since my oldest is 13 and my youngest is 10 and they are both active in their own activities, I don't see it getting any easier for him to schedule around his other step-children.  Where is the line?

I remember vividly when I decided to stop visitations with my biological father.  I was 13 years old, just starting to develop and wear makeup which he hated with a passion.  To my Dad,  I was still six with a big mouth.  Looking back, my father was such a weak individual.  He was drug addicted, high school educated, never had any self-worth, and looked at me as the only good thing he had ever done in his whole life (he actually told me that all the time).  I looked at my Dad very differently after I turned 13.  I started working as a babysitter so I had a little of my own money and a little more freedom.  I had lots of friends and junior high was a blast.  Not only did I not have anything in common with him, but I simply had better things to do.  I really didn't have much to do with my mother or my step-father at that point, but giving up an entire weekend to be with a depressed, drug addicted, scruffy looking biker?  I really just told him honestly that I didn't want to see him anymore.  I wanted him to stop smoking pot, get a real job, stop being a biker and stop taking me to weird biker hangouts to buy drugs that made me feel incredibly unsafe.  I wanted him to grow up and be a role model for me.  I also told him (a little later into my 20's) that he was teaching me exactly what NOT to do, for which I am grateful.  Most of my parental influences have taught me what I don't want in my life, however that isn't good enough.  As a parent, I want to show my boys what is possible if you do the right things and have some dreams you follow.  I want to show them that everyone makes mistakes, but if you learn from them LOOK at what you can achieve!  I want them to be proud of me, not feel sorry for me or even worse hate me.  Most of all I want them to always feel like I listen to them and love them no matter what they choose.

For some time I have been in line watching my children ride the roller coaster.  Sending them off to their Dad's and waiting for them to come home.  I have figured out I don't have ride.  I don't have to feel all the pain they feel and be angry like them, but I legally still have to send them and wait.  I have also tried not to color their opinions about their Dad with mine, but how do you tell your children that it is okay if they don't have their own room, their own clothes, that they have no say about where they go or if they even spend a whole day with their Dad, that if their step-mom has a blow up to just try and go to a neutral corner because the one person who should defend them sides with her?  I was lucky and my biological father let me off his roller coaster ride.  He allowed me to make the choice many times and I can't tell you how much I agonized over that choice.  I tried to tell my ex-husband that just because the boys make that choice right now doesn't mean his circumstances might not change or their tolerance level will increase and they will change their mind, but he isn't going to go on the ride without them.  He refuses to let them take a break, so they are now making excuses like they are sick or seeing how far he will go to keep them.  They conned him into letting them bring over their electronics this time, but I have a feeling the next weekend they will be told that the electronics are not allowed since there is no three hour car ride happening.  He promises them outrageous things like cruises and cars when they come of age.  I feel like at some point the roller coaster is headed for a treacherous derailment with no way to warn them.  Is there no closed for repairs sign?  Doesn't he see the warning signs?

I had both boys answer some written questions about how they felt about the divorce and each place they live before I talked to their Dad the last time.  I felt they were honest and it drilled home to me the reality that both of them really just like to complain, but when it comes down to the wire they were doing okay.  I feel that for them they still want to ride, just not all the time.  I think that is pretty typical of life.  Rides are fun sometimes, drama is exciting sometimes, stress is inevitable, but when it is all you do, see and live....you want to change it.  I think it's time I got out of line and take the kids home.

Blue Balloons

Right now I am filled with pain.  I hurt.  My heart pounds inside my chest and my eyes are so sore from crying.  My body is exhausted and my mind is numb.  I do not have the flu or an illness to blame this on.  I want to choose to forget or at least forget for a little while my pain and move through this day.  I don't want my children to see me cry and worry.  There is nothing they can do to take away my pain.  I know where it comes from.  It began long ago.  I hurt.

I cannot change this pain.  I can't cover it with make up or eat enough food to fill it up.  Nothing I buy or give away will change how I feel.  No matter how many times I donate blood, break my back for a friend, help my kids with their homework, read to their classes, throw parties for them, give my energy to make another's day it does not stop this pain.  No matter how much I love my life or love the people in it, I will always have this hurt.  No books or religion hold the remedy for this hurt.  No medicine internal or external can relieve my pain.  Nobody can love me enough to make this torture end.

Sometimes I wake up and it's better.  I see the beauty in the sunshine and the smile of my loved ones.  I kiss my kitten and she almost giggles at me.  The drive to work isn't filled with no-driving egg heads out to ruin my day.  Work is blissfully easy and goes quickly.  I have food and cook quietly while my children tell me about their fantastic day of little miracles and we spend time together laughing.  Some times I lay my head down and my pillow feels like heaven.  Not today.

What do you do when you know what causes your pain, but there is no remedy?  I cope.  I talk.  I try.  I lie to myself.  I get busy with other things in my life that I can enjoy, but the pain still returns.  I am still grieving for my expectations. I have acceptance, even forgiveness, but I have so much pain because in all the stages of my life I have had no parents.  It affects me in so many ways daily.   I realize I'm not alone and I'm old enough now that I don't need a parent, but there were so many times when I did.  Children need adults to guide them.  Children need to know that they are not alone.  Children need a time when they aren't afraid.  Children need to be encouraged to try even if they fail.  Children need to hear that the only opinion that matters is theirs.  Children need parents that can model these behaviors.   If they don't have these things, I don't think they can truly ever grow up or change life for the better.  They are left with a horrible pain, anger, incredible resentment, fear, mistrust, and independence.

Worst of all, it is a cycle.  I understand my parents.  I know my grandparents.  I have talked to all of them so much about how they felt as children.  What happened to shape them into the people they are.  It is the biggest challenge in my life to PARENT my children and stop this cycle of abuse.  I want my children to be proud of me and to learn from me about being responsible and being an adult.  I want them to develop their own passion and confidence to guide them in their decisions, not fear.  I want them to know I will stand with them through any consequences, but I will not take their choices away out of my fear.  I want them to know real love, the kind that comes from within themselves, and never doubt they will always be alright even long after I'm gone.  I want to love my children for who they really are, not how I want them to be or what they do for me.  Most of all I want them to grow up at a normal pace and have a normal childhood.  I just don't know what a normal childhood is.

I don't want my children to have so much pain in their lives.  I don't want so much pain in my life, but I know I am the only one that can stop my pain by letting it go.  Today I bought a blue balloon and let it go.  It was only a little pain.  It was that I didn't have a wedding because I was angry.  I didn't want my step-father to walk me down the isle and too hurt or too scared to ask my biological father to attend, because of the changes that would make in my life and the people I would hurt.  So I gave up my dream of having a big wedding and gave up my dream of having a good marriage the same day by marrying the wrong man being desperate for someone to love me.  It was only a small part of my pain, but I let that go.  It felt good.  I feel a little better.  I still have a lot of hurt to let go, but there are a lot of balloons.

Bent

I feel like I'm bent.  Not broken, not incapable of functioning, but there is a difficulty.  I'm affected somehow on a subconscious and every increasingly conscious level that there is a fundamental difference between the way I think, speak, function and they way other "normal" people do.  I'm different somehow.  I don't seem to fit in, but I have many friends.  I don't have a best friend.  I realize at 41 best friends may be an outdated concept, but I just feel strange about reaching out sometimes just to have a conversation.  I'm jealous of people that do have that kind of connection.  I am starting to become more internal and I'm not really sure why.  I have less tolerance for immaturity except from people who are truly immature like children and it seems I'm surrounded by drama queens and Peter Pans.  I want to pursue Buddhism, gardening, and write.  I have a hard time seeing the point in developing any work relationships, because I don't want to work at this job for any longer than it takes to become an independent writer.  I love my friends, but I also can't stand some of them for more than an hour.  I get home and take a shower and thank God I'm not them.  I have ever increasing empathy for all the people I get to know, because it is easier to see their reasons and courage despite their circumstances.  It is easier to understand the why, but my choice is just to not participate, join or belong.  Maybe I just need a different place to belong, different friends, different definitions of normal.  How does a person do that?  What is this pull to someplace different?

I think this bending began a long time ago.  I think I've been bending and bending trying to fit in to what other people's expectations were of me.  I think my divorce was a breaking point.  Either I quit bending or I would break, but I am now forever bent.  My focus is different.  It's like I was standing up my whole life and now I'm in one of those weird yoga poses trying desperately to stretch out the kinks and find some inner peace.  I gravitate toward people that are in transition.  I crave new books, new ideas, new anything.  Maybe this is what mid-life crisis is like?  Maybe I'm just bored with everything.  Maybe I'm just starting to define what is really important to me.

One of my biggest fears of getting older is that my children will grow up and have these wonderful experiences going to college and being on their own and I will just be old and lonely.  I refuse to do this!  I refuse to keep working a dead end good job and eat myself into a 300 pound misery cushion, because all of my coping mechanisms have been stripped away except for food.  I have changed my eating habits, but when travel, art, and age limit you between what is financially possible and what you really enjoy, then you have to really start to look at what you CAN really enjoy right now.  When you begin one life and build up your dreams stacking them neatly on top of each other, you are at the bottom and can't see everyone else slipping their own added expectations on to your pile.  The weight gets heavier and heavier until all of the sudden you're bent.  Even worse when life comes along and rips the foundation out from under you, the stack of dreams falls all over smashing to pieces and you are left bent with nothing you recognize.  I don't mind being bent and rebuilding, but I'm not entirely sure what to build.  The pieces of my dreams don't fit and little slivers of expectations keep getting stuck where they don't belong.  It's like changing your make up for the first time since high school.  You stand back in the mirror and ask, "Is this me?  Can I pull off this pink of a blusher?  Do people wear this color of blue or am I going to look like a total prostitute?"  You want to trust the sales woman who just spent the better part of 15 minutes applying the new product, but you also want to retreat back to the same old comfortable brown eyeliner and lip gloss that carried you through two of the most important relationships of your young life.  Maybe the NEW just needs time to grow on me?  I guess I have until my son's graduation.

I bought a house a short time ago and couldn't be happier with the purchase.  I, however, didn't buy a house for me.  It is a huge debt, huge responsibility, and a huge hassle since I'm not the best at maintenance.  I bought a house for my family.  I wanted the children to have a home.  I wanted to paint their rooms and decorate with their artwork in a space we could truly express ourselves.  I wanted them to feel comfortable an invite their friends over.  I wanted to invest in something that might give me a return or help me pay for college if I sold it.  It gives me a place to practice being myself.  I'm gaining confidence by repairing my broken drain and fixing the toilet.  I feel good knowing that my children think of my house as their home.  I have noticed that the first week excitement has passed and now the reality of being stuck here until my kids graduate high school is bumming me out.  Still, I have decided to use this time for improving the curb appeal and resale value of this house and to really begin to write.  This house doesn't have to be prison, it can still be my refuge until I decide I'm ready to swim for it and brave the unknown ocean again.  I don't know where this restlessness is coming from?  Is it possible that it's just a side affect of freedom?  Do I feel like this because for the first time in my life I'm just not afraid of what comes next?

Being bent is not being broken and I guess at some point we all look within and acknowledge something is different.  I'm not a girl anymore.  I have wrinkles.  My back hurts sometimes when it rains.  My friends are different people and some are exactly the same as they were in high school.  It's harder to maintain friendships and feel that closeness that you had when you told someone everything, because frankly we all make mistakes and might not want people to know everything.  Maybe I am afraid of being that intimate with anyone?  Maybe I don't trust them enough to understand me?  I do entertain a lot of crazy notions and ideas.  I think that is why I like writing.  Blank pages don't judge or mock me.  They are open and friendly waiting to be filled with details.  Unfortunately, telling a joke on paper is not as fun as hearing your friends laughter.  Books don't hug you, although they may tug at your heartstrings and stimulate your brain.  Maybe I'm just bent in a weird direction right now and as time goes on that part of me will loosen and my perspective will change.  I am much more conscious of all my decisions and the consequences of all my decisions now and I like that awareness even if it brings more stress.  Cautious has never been who I am, but I guess that is why it feels different.  It's hard to be the same person, yet different in so many ways.  I struggle with bent.

Forty Plus One

Well my birthday is rapidly approaching.  I am turning 41.  That is unbelievable to me, but yet in a week I will be well into my 40's.  I don't feel 41.  In fact I feel the same as I did when I was 25.  A little wiser, a little more aware, but basically the same.  I am heavier but working to eat healthier and make 41 a leaner year.  I have decided to take up meditation seriously this year and have plans to attend a workshop on my birthday.  I just don't feel like 41.  Where has all the time gone?  I think turning 41 is harder on me than turning 30.  It just seems like I am saying internally, "No, you are too old for that." a bunch more than I used to.  I look at the dates on some of my favorite movies and some are more that 25 years old.  How did this happen?  The songs I listen to are on the classic rock stations, my outfits are more toward the vintage and I am just 41!!  I don't even want to think about what my kids say about me when I'm out there playing soccer with them or dancing in the kitchen.  Why does 41 seem like it's old in my mind, but not in my heart?  I still get hit on at the grocery store, why do I have to be 41???

One of the things I love about myself is I do not look my age thanks to great skin, greater makeup and never smoking, however, hormones have not done me any favors recently and my doctor informs me that part of this could be me going through menopause.  Pre-menopausal?  Are you freaking serious?  I wanted to punch him in the throat and that was not about the hormones.  Pre-menopause has some wonderful symptoms like night sweats, mood swings, dry skin (everywhere), weight gain, blah blah blah all of which I have been experiencing for a couple of years now.  I guess my uterus has given up on me since being unused for 10 years and decided I was too old to have any more kids too.  The "Change" as my mother calls it is about as welcome as fibroids which I might also have to deal with.   I am usually a great herald of change, but not within my body and not that is so beyond my control regarding my body.  I wasn't a huge fan of puberty and menopause doesn't seem to be that whippy either.  "Look at the bright side, no more periods," the nurse was now holding me back from punching him in the throat!  I am not pre-menopausal ok.  I refuse to be.

I also refuse to accept that I can't wear a bikini.  I may not chuck my pumpkin butt down to the public pool anymore, but I will always wear a two piece.  I have a short torso and I can never find a one piece that doesn't hang low at the bottom.  I'm not a Victoria Secret model and I don't have to be perfect.  I will never accept that I can't wear a bikini.  My mom is 57 and still wears one, I guess that is where I get it.

Growing older with grace and dignity?  I don't know if I know how to do that?  There are so many things I want to accomplish in my life still.  I realize that 41 isn't the end of the road and far from it, but it is a ways down the road.  I feel guilty that I haven't accomplished some of the things on my bucket list yet.  I feel guilty that I wasted some of my time afraid and feeling sorry for myself.  I feel guilty that I made bad financial decisions.  I guess one good thing is now that I'm older and wiser, I know guilt doesn't really help anybody.  I also realize it isn't too late to do all those things I wanted to accomplish if I try harder.  Grace was never a trait high on my description list, so why should it be a requisite for getting older?  Dignity?  That really kind of flew out the window with my twenties.  No, I won't be skinny dipping in a public pool anymore, but I will skinny dip til I die!  I will just promise not to allow any YouTube videos.

So to mark this milestone of my development, I have come up with a few things I will never be too old for:

1.  Haircolor - Even if I color it purple, I will always have product in my hair.
2.  Bikini's - Even if I look like Magda from "Something About Mary" I will wear me a two-piece!
3.  High heels - I might have a cane and a wheelchair, but I will never give up my heels!
4.  Ice Cream Cones - Yes, I will have a double dip please!
5.  Skinny Dipping - Nothing in this world feels as free as being naked in the water.
6.  Nail Polish - On my toes and fingers!  In fact the older I get the more I will get manicure and pedicures!  I deserve it!
7.  Animal Print Clothing - I don't care if it is my underwear, I will always have animal prints!!
8.  Flirting - I don't care if I'm 90!  Hot is hot and I will probably tell you about it. WINK!
9.  Motorcycles - Ok I might not ride one when I'm 90, but if I get a chance I probably will.
10.  Travel - Let's face it, most of us Joe Blows only get a few states away.  Even if I can't drive myself, walk without assistance, or poop unless I have a bag attached to me, I will travel to other countries, states, or even possibly Mars.  I will never let my age keep me from exploring.

On that note, this is my continuing mission.
To explore strange new worlds and eat ice cream there wearing a bikini...
To seek out new life; new civilizations, and new hair products...
To boldly go where no one has gone before in animal print clothing and high heels riding a motorcycle!

No fear!  Bazinga!!  Happy Birthday to me!